Christmas is HERE!

As I walked towards the office I could not help but feel it in the air. It's oh-so-wonderfully true, Christmas IS here. There's an unexplainable flurry of cheers that seems to reek out of every person on the street. Despite all the obvious reasons not to be happy, Christmas really is unstoppable.

Despite the fact that I haven't even started wrapping my presents (well, at least I'm done buying them!) the panic and frenzy can't even prevent me from declaring this as a carefree, cheerful time.

It's just nice to be happy, to be excited for Christmas again. I don't know if I was this happy last year. Probably. It probably feels a bit more heightened this time around because Cris and Ate Lilet are here. Except for Dave and Tita Bot, the family's all here! Wooo-hooo! Plus with Gelo and Ica, the newest members of ever-so small Enriquez family. This really is a happy Christmas. Ahhh...quality time with the family. (syempre, with friends and lovey-dudey regi din :))

And, I haven't even opened my gifts yet! Unlike the other years when my EQ waned to .2678 and evidently made me peep and...open all my gifts even before the 24th. Come Christmas time I had nothing to look forward to; especially in these years when Santa doesn't exactly come around any more. So there. Except for 1 gift which I opened (the humongous Sponge Bob 'canister' filled with butter popcorn...yeah yeah yeah!) I'm still in for some surprise. Who says Christmas is only for kids? I wish to uphold my right to still be happy despite my un-kiddie status. Come to think of it, I still am a kid. Who cares if I'm 24? There's no law saying that once you stop believing in Santa Claus you're no longer qualified to be a kid and be ecstatic during this season.

Well, there is another reason why I'm happy...finally i've gone to confession. Hah! Yes, even in this day and age when it's easier to believe that it's no longer needed, I just felt the need to go through it. Deep down I still believe (no matter how cheesy / seemingly self-righteous it may sound) that it's nice to have a 'clean' heart during these times. Ok. 'Clean' may be a relative term; but the point is, it just feels good to have gone to confession right in time for His birth. Sort of feels like the good ol' grade school days.

Finally, this year's about to be over. Not to be unfair to 2005, it's had its good points. Still, there have been moments of pain. There's a nice feeling in knowing that next year's a clean new slate. Hah. 365 new days. 365 new reasons to plan and dream. 365 new reasons to wake up and be thankful that you're breathing. As if the last 6 days aren't worth being thankful enough. Heck, there's a certain joy in looking at the coming days as something...well...for lack of a more profound term...NEW.

Parang bagong sapatos. Bagong damit. Bagong taon. May ibang dating ang bago. Pero bago ang lahat...salamat sa Diyos sa Pasko; espesyal ang dating ng pagsalubong sa 2006. Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!!! At syempre, may rason para magbakasyon. stop look and listenn to the bells to the ringing of the bells...

teka. malayo na ang usapan. basta masaya. MASAYA!!!! woooo-hooooo!!!!! Merry Christmas!! Thank you God, masaya ako. Ang selfish naman...pero sana lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay masayang-masaya din. While we're at it, sana buong mundo masaya; pero dahil may favoritism ako--sana pinakamasaya ang mga Pinoy! Siguro naman somewhere may Kano, Aprikano, Chinez, o iba pang nagmimithi na ang lahi nya ang pinakamasaya. so okay, patas lang ang laban.

osya, may Christmas dinner pa kong pupuntahan. Eto'ng isa pang masarap sa pasko, more effort to reconnect and spend time with friends. Hayyy....basta. masaya lang.

Good, bad, good, good GOOOD.

It’s almost creepy. I was going through some old docs in the computer when I came upon a document entitled: sunny wed.

============

8.24.05

It’s a Wednesday afternoon and the sun is shining oh so brightly.
I almost thought it was a Saturday, a Sunday even.

And suddenly I have this light feeling.
I am happy. For whatever reason, I’m not too sure.

Rod Stewart’s crooning in the background.
I still haven’t found dad’s Hotdog tribute CD. But still I feel happy. Is there something wrong with that?


============

Nothing’s really special about it. But here’s the deal. I wrote it the day before my house caught fire. It gave me the creeps. So is that it? When you feel suddenly oh-so happy, you ought to be wary? Because come tomorrow something bad, no…drastic just may happen.

Awful awful thought. But it’s a reality: I felt unexplainably happy on a given day, and come tomorrow, something totally devastating occurs. How else am I supposed to explain that?



Thing is, I can’t. Maybe it’s better not to put much thought on it. Blame it on coincidence. Hayyy…coincidence. Some cosmic interference must’ve caused these events to happen one after the other. For all I know it could’ve happened the other after the one. Huwaht?! Though that might not seem too logical, wouldn’t it?

Fine. So one good thing’s followed by an excruciatingly painful one. Suddenly I remember those kilig moments followed all too suddenly by heartbreaks... Should this be a reason to believe (P&G speak?!) that that’s how the world turns? I know there have been other moments in my life when this type of order occurred, but even when it’s far easier to generalize and cast this out as a rule, I would much rather not.

Because then every good thing would be smeared by the fear of a bad thing happening right after. What good should happy moments serve then? Suddenly I remember Dessa (fellow Ictusian) when she said, “I’ve stopped living my life waiting for the big axe to fall” For better illustration, let’s replace it the axe with an anvil. After all, isn’t it nice to sometimes think of ourselves as lone roadrunners nonchalantly speeding through the vast desert despite the fact that we know, (oh yes, the cartoonist said so) that the coyote’s got another ACME anvil hung over somewhere in our paths, waiting for our heads to pass.

Exciting lang.

Then again, there’s comfort in knowing that God the great cartoonist just won’t let the anvil fall flat on our heads. Unless of course we ignore all His warnings, and we truly need a head-bumping ‘learning experience’. Oh well, that’s another story.


For now, I would like to believe that not all good things are followed by bad events. There’s even a higher probability for bad things to be followed by surprisingly good ones. After all, despite all those kilig-moments cut abruptly by heartaches, I found Regi. Forgive the mushiness. It’s a happy thought nonetheless :)

on hopes and people

It’s not good to pin your hopes on people. Because people tend to disappoint. Yesterday that’s what I thought…I was proven wrong. Because although some may tend to fail your expectations, others unexpectedly go beyond.
(note: shoes' owners not necessarily related to the people referred to in this entry. Astig lang tignan, tsaka mukhang swak sa entry yung visuals e... :)

Two-thousand-what?!

For some weird reason, I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that it already is 2005. Sometimes I still catch myself writing down 2004. When in a few months, its already going to be 2006.

It’s all moving too fast for me, I seem to have a rather hard time catching up. Catching up, or trying mighty hard not to let time move past, and obviously failing?

Here I go again catching myself fixated over the past, and unbelievably doing nothing about it.

Unfinished book to date: Peter Pan.

Better than.

What makes a person better? Or at least, want to be better?

Is it the thought that someone’s watching?
Is it the prospect of a reward?
Is it the fear of missing out on something?
Of dying early?
Of not being good enough?
Is it the wonder to impress.
To please?
The want to be ‘better than’
The desire to be wanted

What?

Is it the discontent over what he or she is now?
Is it the knowledge that it is possible?


(nov.23, 3005)

Shhhlinggg!

When do you know when enough is enough?

Naks. Kala mo kung gaano kaseryoso e no. Ang pinupunterya ko lang naman e, ‘pag umiinom ka, pa’no mo ba alam na dapat tumigil ka na…kasi malakas ang tama sa’yo maya-maya, mahihilo ka pag bumangon ka bukas, at higit sa lahat, magsisisisi ka that you took those last…ilang shots uli?!

My gas. Yes. I had a lot of gas. Pero teka. Let’s start from the very beginning. Bakit ko nga pala muna sinusulat ‘to cey? Aaaah, tama…para hinding-hindi ko malimutan yung gabing yun. Para di na maulit, okay? Hindi na mauulit dapat ha?

Game.

Tamang-tama ang simoy ng hangin. Di malagkit, di naman sobrang lamig. Gabi na, pero may mga lumulusong pa din sa tubig. Yung mesa namin, pinakamalapit sa shore. Dumating ang isang pitsel ng Mindoro sling. Pink, may apples pang lumulutang-lutang. Ano ‘to punch? Punch lang pala e. But wait, bakit hindi baso ang kasama ng pitsel, shot glass?! Siguro, para mas matipid? Para mas matagal maubos?

Hala sige, tuloy-tuloy ang kwentuhan. Pag balik pa namin ni Regi sa table nagtataka kami kung ba’t tumatawa sila Baq & Grace. Kaya pala…Near our table a bunch of kids dug a hole. So everytime a group of girls in skimpy clothes or men in their board shorts passed us by, one of them suddenly disappears (o sige OA ang disappears) at the very least, loses his/her balance. Ang babaw no. Pero nakakatawa lang, pramis. O epekto ba yun nung shling? Ewan. Basta, pagkatapos ng ilang babae’t lalakeng na wa-poise sa harapan namin, tumigil na kami sa katatawa. Baka kami pa ang pagdiskitahan, pagkamalang kami ang naghukay nung butas sa dilim. Pero I must say ha…magandang alterantive source of entertainment.

Ayosh. Paubos na yung isang pitsel. Nung una, tahimik lang ang kwentuhan. Tapos mejo lumalakas na ang tawanan. May pa-apir apir pang nalalaman pag maganda ang joke. Of course, lilipas ba naman ang gabi without me going to the CR to relieve my ever-reliable/ ang bilis mapunong pantog?

Mga ilang balik pa. Parang mas madaling magpatihulog kesa ang maglakad. Tas naririnig ko yung ibang tao…Op op…sabay extend ng kamay to help. Ba’t kaya. Aaah, kasi malalaglag na ko. Ayun, nakabalik pa rin naman sa upuan nang safe.






Shige pa. Shige. Hep. Tigil muna. Parang nanlalamig yung batok ko. Hmmm, parang ganito din yung naramdaman ko nung lumagok-lagok ako dati ng bend me over (which to my dismay I had to discover the hard way what it meant…) sa pag-aakalang juice lang ito na may konting-konting halo ng kung ano mang alcohol. Parang sumasama yung pakiramdam ko. Pero sayang ang gabi. Hala, sige, buhos lang nang buhos!

Omygas. Yes, gas lang ‘to. Makukuha sa burp. Ilang dighay pa nawala din yung sakit ng batok ko at paninigas ng sikmura. Orayt, tuloy ang ligaya.
May dumaang magbabalot, bumili si Baq. Gusto ko din sana…kaso, hmmm. Wag na lang. Kaka-dinner lang namin kanina e. So, dapat ok lang na walang pulutan diba? Diba…?


Woooo-hoooo! Yeaaaahhhhh…Sayaw naman tayo. Sayaw tayo. Shwing. Shwing. Blag. Masarap pala humiga sa buhangin pag gabi. Tinatamad na sana ako bumangon kaso hinila ako ni Regi para tumayo.

Ubos na? Isa pang pitsel! Hala, sige, fight naman kami.

Di na namin naubos yun e. Halfway thru the second pitcher ata inantok na…kaya pack-up na pack-up. Log-tu na log-tu.

Pag gising ko, wow men, umiikot ang mundo ko. Ilang beses ata ako bumalik sa banyo para sumuka. Ahshet. Tubig lang ang katapat nito. Pag inom ko ng tubig, after a few minutes, balik sa banyo para ilabas uli.

Di kaya gutom ako? So game, niyaya ako ni Regi kumain. Baka kailangan lang malamanan ang tiyan. Mainit na sabaw. Gusto ko ng Mami. Maaaaahhhhmmmmmmmiiiiiiiii.

I finally got the courage to get off the bed and get some breakfast. Lakad ng konti. Kaya pa…kaya pa…bweck…balik balik balik.

I never even got to the door. Sa gate pa lang inabutan na ko. Yeba. Binuhusan ko na lang ng tubig. Di naman siguro mapupuna ng kapitbahay?

Okay okay, let’s try this one more time. Kaya mo ‘yan Cey…kaya mo yan…Kapit kay Regi para di bumagsak. Whew…ayan na ang kainan. “Miss, isang order ng wooowww meron silang Mami!!” Parang yung inimagine ko kanina.

Hmmmm…Now I’m going to get better! Or so I thought. A few sips of the soup and I was holding the waitress’ arm begging her to point me towards the CR. Strike One! Oh, look, is that my mami? It looked just the same when I saw it only a few minutes ago…only…it was in a different type of bowl.

Break muna. Balik sa tubig. Tubig…Sige konti pang tubig. Balik na naman sa banyo. Nakakahiya, nakatingin na yung ibang tao sa mesa. Nakatalungko lang ako with my bowl of steaming hot Maggi chicken noodles in front of me.

Di ko na ‘to ma-take. Ibang klaseng learning experience. Take in mami, take out mami. Take in tubig, take out tubig. Reversed peristalsis at its finest. I’m never drinking again. Ayoko na po. Di na po mauulit. God, sorry na please sorry na. Tama na please!

Nakatalungko na lang ako sa mesa. Nagtitinginan ang iba pang kumakain. Kebs lang ako. Pag nasa ganung sitwasyon ka, wala ka nang energy isipin pa ang iniisip ng ibang tao. Basta, sana na lang, umayos na ang lahat!

Called robby. Remembered him telling a story a few weeks back about having drunk more than what he could take. Kakahiya. Mukhang nagising ko pa ata sa pagkakapahinga dahil galing lang sya sa lamay ng lola nya.

Ang sagot: Hydrite.

Ang problema: Walang botika sa white beach. Huwaaahhht?

Next best thing: Gatorade.

Kung nasa tamang pag-iisip lang ako, di ako kakagat sa P40/bottle na Gatorade. Pero dahil akala ko talaga mamamatay na ko sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Bumili ako ng isa, dalawa…tatlong boteng Gatorade.

Sa wakas. Di ko na sinu** palabas. Wonderful. Pero syempre, di ko pa rin kayang sumakay sa banana boat. Baka malagay pa ko sa balita: Puerto Galera, polluted beyond belief. Kasalukuyang isinara ang White Beach sa mga manlalangoy dahil sa unidentified floating kadiri substance na natagpuang nakakalat sa tubig ng Puerto Galera. Napag-alamang ito ay nanggaling sa isang babaeng engers, tadtad ng hang-over nag-tangka pa ring mag-banana boat…

Ayan, so habang naglalangoy ang mga kasama ko, dun na lang ako sa buhangin…nagpamasahe. Promise, gumanda ang pakiramdam ko!! Pero sa katangahang-palad, dahil malapit na kaming umalis for Manila, naligo ako. Nawala ang sakit ng sikmura, napalitan ng sakit ng katawan. Ibang kwento naman yun. Salamat na lang sa Diyos di tumuloy sa trangkaso.

Fire Away

I am afraid that by writing the article below, I have become a part of the ever-growing number of people who sling mud at the government, complain about our current state, but do nothing to make things better. To rationalize what I’ve done, I could say that keeping mum would have been worse. But deep down, I know that merely speaking up does not qualify as doing something significant. Someday I hope to write again, of doing more than just talk & complain.

A year ago, I wrote that despite all these country’s problems, I am Happy to be Pinoy (Youngblood, PDI, Oct.9). A year and a fire after, unbelievably, I still am. Perhaps that’s another reason why I wrote all these, not only to vent, but more importantly to ask for those who wield the power, to please not take away any more from my joy & hope reserves.

Submitted this article this morning. Hope PDI publishes it...

===============


Last month, I came home at the sight of our house on fire. Until now I cannot find the perfect word to describe how I felt that night. Surreal would come closest.

For 30 years, my parents have lived in that house. I grew up in it, was potty-trained in it, labored for hours on end studying in it; cried, celebrated, stared into the busy streets while in it. And now, it’s gone. There are days when I wake up and I still find myself in my old room. The green walls, the stiff bed…and then I’d have to remind myself that it’s unreal. It’s all gone now.

I did not even get to cry on that night. Crying was a show of despair, hopelessness, sadness. I was beyond all those.

There were fire-trucks all over the street. As my friend Dep and I hurried towards the building, my mom’s friend snatched me into their house to spare me from having to watch the horrific event. Even as I sat in their living room, I knew what was going on. Regi, my boyfriend kept calling me to comfort me. But I was too numb to respond. For in my head, the fires raged--eating up everything I held special in my room, and everything my parents have worked for more than 30 years.

So this is how it feels to be let down. That night, I felt like I was one with the world. Suddenly, I too had a painful story to tell.

I can’t really say which was sadder: seeing our house burn down, or knowing that it could have been stopped. Our unit was farthest from the house where an LPG tank supposedly, leaked. There were a few minutes when my parents just stood and stared at our burning house; beside them were the firemen, who did just that—stood and stared.

It would’ve been a funny scene had it been a comedy flick.

We were furious at those firemen. How could they have let this happen, when our house was only 15 minutes away from the fire station? Why didn’t they have the proper gear—masks, hard caps, hand-held radio, ladders?!? It was stupid. When it came to being equipped, I would’ve made a better fireman than them.

But as the fires died down, so did our fury. It was useless to get angry at those firemen. For they too, like us, were victims that night. With clearer heads, my parents even apologized to Captain Samson for blowing their tops off. He said he understood. And he too was sad (an understatement, I suppose) at the fact that they were poorly-equipped to stop the fire. When it came to doing good, they tried mighty hard. One of his men even got injured doing his job. Another, (SFO2 Renier Almjuela) was even kind enough to return the videocam he retrieved from our house. See, it’s not all horror stories when it came to firemen.

Now, we’re renting a unit in the opposite building. My parents are still busy fixing the requirements for the insurance, talking with the building administration about how to go about rehabilitating the place. My brother still labors on which electronic equipment can still be used. Ate Yolly has been working hard to make the rented unit as homey as possible. So you see, when your house burns down, it doesn’t just end there, more work follows.

But in every step of the way, there were friends who made things easier for us. Until now, it still feels a bit weird receiving…donations--to be suddenly, on the receiving end. I remember how I used to complain to God that whenever my bank account reaches a certain figure, someone amazingly needs ‘financial augmentation’ right at the same day. But after this fire, after learning how to accept and thank people for what they have generously offered us with, I have realized the true meaning of the saying: It is better to give than to receive. It was, and still is an utmost humbling experience.

Despite all the goodness my family and I have received, I sometimes still ask God, ‘How could You have let this happen? Where were You when our house was on fire? As I said in an email thanking all my friends who have extended their help: To this day, I still don’t know what His master plan is. Maybe that’s why they call it a test of faith. But the best answer I got so far was from my best friend, Maui: If it was hard for you to see God’s face when your house was on fire, I hope it’s easier for you to see Him now, in the faces of everyone who’s here to help you get through this.

There are so many people to thank. If I were to list them all down, it would take me a day or two. Yes, it may be hard to know exactly how God will reveal His plans for now. I could wait for that; for after all, who am I to rush God and command Him to do something for me, now, fast! There is comfort in believing that in His time, things will fall into their proper places.

But I would like to throw the same question back at the government. How could you have let this happen?

I could go on and take the bitter stance of blaming the government--but that would be a futile exercise of venting my anger. Instead, I would like to enjoin all government officials, all policy makers, everyone who’s on Juan dela Cruz’s payroll to please, please have a look around your public domains. It wouldn’t hurt to have some concern for your constituents’ living conditions. Look at how our public hospitals have been reduced to such a sorry state. Please see how our public schools have become unbelievably overcrowded. Look at how our streets still get flooded with the littlest of rain. Maybe then it would be easier for you to have a hint of guilt when you feel like dipping your hands into our public funds. Oh, and please, when I talk about the government, I talk about the opposition as well. Ever heard of the saying--he who hasn’t sinned, cast the first stone? Instead of poking holes at this government, have you offered some viable and logical solutions? And what have you done to make things better for your people again?

The thing is, while you all hold your catfights--be it in congress or through the local media, this country’s problems continue to rage on. This may feel off-tangent from my sentiments regarding the fire, but in essence, I write of the same things—of falling victim to undesirable circumstances, and of being failed by a higher authority. No, I am not talking about God. I’m talking about the government.

I am not saying that the government should provide the panacea to this nation’s problems. What I would like to say is that the government, at the very least, should no longer be a part of THE problem. Quit fighting and start putting out some fire.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 4

Isa pa...

Trivia lang...dapat si pareng Ben magpapalit ng pangalan. Ben Pho sa unang issue, Ben Chinko sa sunod, Ben Sison...
Wala lang. E parang astig na yung ben pho. Di pa obvious kung 'san galing yung pangalan. Kaya ayun. Nagsimula, natapos ang pagsusulat para sa Kalakbay bilang Ben Pho.

===

Hango sa tunay na karanaSAM
Ni: Ben Pho
Mabait, malambing, at cute. Tisoy at balingkinitan ang katawan. Ganito ang pagkakaalala ko kay Sam. Hindi ko na masiguro kung kailan kami unang nagkita, basta ang alam ko, mabilis ko siyang nakapalagayang loob. Dati-rati’y madalas ko siyang nakikita sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay at tiyempong mamamasyal din naman siya. Nang mga panahong iyon, maayos pa si Sam.

Isang araw, naiwan yata nila Ate Bing na bukas ang pinto, at dahil dito ay nakaalis si Sam nang di nila namamalayan. Ilang linggo din halos siyang nawala. Inakala ng marami na patay na siya. Nakapangingilabot isipin na maaring ang naging huli niyang hantungan ay isang bandehadong inihain sa hapag-kainan ng mga sunog-baga…..Asusenang Sam.

Nagulat na lang ako nang isang gabing napadaan ako sa harap ng bahay nila Ate Bing. Matapos ang ilang linggong pagkawala, sumulpot muli si Sam. Ibang-iba na ang kanyang itsura---nanlilimahid sa grasa ang kanyang ginagalis katawan, iika-ika ang kanyang paglakad dahil sa napilay na kanang paa, at mistulang nabubulok na ang kanyang kaliwang mata. Umalis siyang isang makisig na Japanese Spitz na maputi at malago ang buhok, may kislap sa mga mata, at may tindig na machong-macho ang dating; at nagbalik na taglay ang kalunos-lunos na anyo. Kung hindi mo siya kilala noon, matatkot ka pa sa kanya. Ngunit pangit man siya at mabaho, pinauwi pa rin siya ni Ate Bing sa kanilang bahay. Sa paglipas ng panahon, nanumbalik ang malago niyang buhok, unti-unti nang umayos ang kanyang paglakad, at tuluyan mang nabulag ang kanyang kaliwang mata, mababakas pa rin ang kislap sa kanyang natitirang kanang mata.

Siguro iniisip ninyo na imbento ko lang ang kwentong ito. Sino ba naman kasi ang magpapapasok sa kanilang bahay ng isang asong tulad ni Sam? Masyado sigurong mahirap isipin na makakayanan pang tanggapin ni Ate Bing ang isang asong bulag, galisin, at pilay. Kung sa bagay……pero di ba mas mahirap isipin na tayo na naglayas ng ilang beses ay tinatanggap pa rin muli?

Ang isang nabulag na mata—mapapantayan pa rin ng paningin ng natitirang isa; ang pilay—nahihilot pa; ang galis—nakukuha sa paligo at gamot; pero ang kasalanan, di yata nakukuha sa hilot o simpleng paligo. Kung naamoy lang at nakikita ang bakas ng mga pagkakasala natin, siguradong mas kalunos-lunos at mabaho pa tayo kay Sam.
Gaya ni Sam, marami sa atin ang pilay; iika-ika at hirap na hirap maglakad papabalik sa Diyos—pero pagdating sa gimik at inuman……HALA! Para bang dinapuan ng milagro at kumakaripas na sa pagtakbo! Napakadali para sa ating magbulag-bulagan sa mga biyaya Niya, paano, para sa atin, hindi ito sapat; pero pagdating sa pamimintas sa kapwa o sa pagtingin ng bagong kaiinggitan sa mga katabi, para bang lumilinaw bigla ang ating mga mata! Kung tutuusin, marami sa atin ang masahol pa kay Sam—hindi lang bulag o pilay; bingi at pipi din. Bingi sa tawag Niya. Pipi pagdating sa pagbibigay-puri sa Kanyang pangalan…..pero tinutubuan ng boses pagdating sa pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko. Si Ate Bing ay isang ordinaryong tao lamang, pero nakuha niyang tanggapin muli si Sam; pano pa kaya kung tayo ang magbalik sa Diyos na Maylikha sa atin? Kahit gaano man kalunos-lunos ang ating anyo, lumapit lang tayo muli, humingi ng tawad sa ating paglayas, at siguradong tatanggapin Niya tayo ng may buong galak at pagmamahal.

Gusto ko sanang itigil na dito ang kwento, pero ang totoo hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang istorya. Sa ngayon, nawawala muli si Sam. Bakit kasi kailangan pa niyang lumayo at magpakahirap, kung pwede naman siyang mamuhay ng masaya sa bahay ni Ate Bing?!? Nanghihinayang ka ba kay Sam? Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng asong ligaw, isipin mo na lang si Sam, at ang istorya niyang walang hapi ending. Alalahanin mo, pareho lang tayo ng kwento--lahat tayo, ay nakararanas ng paglalayas… pero hindi pa tapos ang storya ng buhay natin. Nasa atin na lang kung pipiliin nating manghinayang habang buhay dahil sa sinayang na pagkakataong umuwi muli kay Hesus, o ang bumalik sa landas patungo sa isang hapi ending kasama Niya. Tandaan mo lang: hindi ito kwentong barbero.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 3

Blast from the past.

========
Isang Untitled Piece
Ni: Ben Pho
Sayang naman ang oras kung mamroblema tayo masyado ngayon, tapos bukas pala ay patay na tayo.

Hindi ko gustong manakot. Sana lang ay huwag nating gawing trabaho ang pagiging tao. Hindi obligasyon ang buhay. Regalo ‘to, kaya dapat ang bawat segundo ineenjoy. King masaya tayo sa ngayon, huwag na lang tayo mamroblema kung kailan kaya tayo mabibigyan ng mabigat na krus. Matuto naman tayong magpasalamat. Kung mahirap naman ang buhay, magsumikap tayong ayusin ito at iasa na lang ang mga bagay na di na magagawan ng paraan sa Diyos. Ganyan lang…pag nang-aasar ang buhay, dapat di tyo pikon, matuto tayong mamilosopo.

Oo, madali itong sabihin para sa akin, dahil naging mabait ang buhay sa akin. Pero minsan, napapaisip ako: kung ayaw ng Diyos na masaktan ang mga anak Niya, bakit madming mahirap sa mundo, bakit araw-araw ilang inosente ang napaptay ng sakit o ng kapwa tao, bakit madaming nabibilanggo ng walng sala?

May sistema ba ng raffle sa langit—‘pag nabunot ang pangalan mo ay seswertihin ka sa lupa, at pag hindi naman ay…sorry ka na lang?

Sa gitna ng problema, paalalahanan mo lang ako ng ganito: “Mahal ka ng Diyos, napakabait Niya at kailanma’y di ka pababayaan” ay madali akong maniniwala sa iyo. Pero paano mo ito sasabihin sa iisang taong nakabilanggo at tuluyang iniwan na ng asawa’t anak? Sa isang lalaking kasing edad mo, ngunit nang kaka-graduate pa lang sa high-school ay napiit na sa Munti’ dahil nakapatay ng kapwa estudyante sa isang ramble?

Ano ang kabuluhan ng mga salitang “Mahal ka ng Diyos” sa mga batang lansangan na ang tanign paraan upang makakain ay ang manlimos? SA isang taong nalaman na di matatapos ang tatlong buwan at kailangan na siyang pagawan ng magandang damit na pamburol at mamahaling kabaong?

Hindi ko alam.

Minsa’y naisip kong dispalinghado magbigay ng sentensya ang buhay. Nakaklungkot dahil lalong napapatingkad ang ating mga kasuwertehan sa buhay kapag nakikilala natin ang mga kapwa nating minalas.

Madumi man ang lansangan, masuwerte pa rin tayo at malaya tayong kakagala dito. Wala man tayong pera para mag-Chocolate Kiss or Barrio Fiesta araw-araw, buti na lang at nakakakain pa rin tayo ng maayos. Hindi man malaki ang kita’ natin, buti na lang at di ito kailangan gastusin sa mga mamahaling gamot at espesyalista.
Pero teka, ano ito? Ibig sabihin ba’y liligaya tayo dahil sa kapahamakang sinapit ng ibang tao? Makikita lang ba natin na swerte tayo dahil sadyang minalas ang iba?
Totoo na pinagtrabahuhan din natin ang kung ano mang ligayang tinatamasa natin ngayon. AT ang hirap na dinaranas ng iba ay bunga ng sarili nilang pagkakamali…pero hindi rin natin matanggal na ang iba ay nabigyan ng ligaya o pasakit higit sa sukat ng pagsusumikap o kasalanang ginawa nila.

Babalik pa rin tayo sa unang tanong, paano natin ipamumkha sa mga taong ito an mayroon ngang Diyos? Sapat na ba ang ipagdasal ntin sila? Ang dalawin sila paminsan-minsan at bigyan ng donasyon?

Hindi ko rin alam.

Kung sabihin mong “Habang may buhay may pag-asa” matutuwa kaya ang mga taong ito, gayong magiging mas matamis pa siguro para sa ilan sa kanila ang mamatay at iwan na ang mga paghihirap ng sinumpaan nilang mundo?
Hindi ko talaga alam.

Nakakita na ako ng mga taong gaya ng nabanggit ko kanina. At nang makilala ko sila, naisip kong bigla, “Ang kapal ng mukha kong magreklamo sa aking buhay.” Paano ba talaga sinusukat ng Diyos kung sino ang may karapatan lumigaya, kung sino ang malayang makakaasa, kung sino ang buong-pusong makakapaghayag ng pagmamahal niya?
Ayaw kong sayangin ang oras ninyo sa pagbabasa ng article na ito…pero uulitin ko pa din, hindi ko talaga alam.
Kung bahagi man tayo ng porsyentong “sinwerte” sana’y sikapin nating maabot iyong mga kapatid nating “minalas” sa buhay—hindi upang inggitin sila, kundi upang sa kahit ilang sandali ay madama nila ang pagmamahal ng Diyos.
Lahat ng bagay na nangyayri ay may rason—ito, nasisiguro ko. Kung paano natin magagawa ang buhaying ang pag-asa sa mg taong ito, hindi ko lubos na nasisiguro. Ngunit ang lahat marahil ay nagsisimula sa pagkamulat at pagtanggap ng katotohanang ang bawat isa sa atin ay may kakayahang magmahal, gumawa ng kabutihan, at bigyan ng mukha ang Diyos dito sa lupa.


Hindi ito imposible, ito ang alam ko.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 2

Owrayt...mag-reminisce. Sarap magsulat uli ng ganito. Pero para saan? Makapag-blog na nga lang...
Malayo pa ang pasko...pero parang kahit di pasko, nag-aapply pa din sa ibang utaw...ako?

======
PasKO o sa mga bata lang ba?
Ni: Ben Pho
“Sa ming bahay, ang aming bati: Meri Christmas na mawalhati, ang pag-ibig ang syang naghari. Araw-araw ay magiging Pasko lagi! Ang samhi po ng pampalito, hihingi po ng aginaldo…...Jingol bells, jingol bells, jingol all da wey! O waspun it is to ride on a wanhors opesley! Hey!”

Kasabay ang kalansing ng mga tansan at ang musika ng isang tambol na gawa sa latang binalutan ng plastic, ang mga kantang tulad nito ay talamak na talamak sa tuwing sasapit na ang pasko. Marami sa atin ang nagdaan na sa mga panahong iyon. Siguradong mas alam na natin ngayon ang tamang liriko ng mga kanta, subalit nakalulungkot isipin na para bang mas naiintindihan pa ng mga batang ito (na mali-mali ang salitang kinakanta) ang diwa ng pasko kay sa sa ating mga “matanda” na. Para sa isang bata, simple lang ang ibig sabihin ng pasko---Bertdey ni Hesus, panahon ng regalo at pagbibigayan, ang pagsasama-sama ng buong pamilya sa kasiyahan at pagmamahalan. Para sa isang matanda, ITO ay panahon para (sa wakas ay) makapagpahinga mula sa trabaho, magbigay ng aginaldo sa mga inaanak, o kaya ay magtago sa mga kinauutangan…at oo nga pala, para ipagdiwang ang kaarawan ni Hesus. Ang dami natin masyadong pinoproblema naduduling na tayo bago pa natin makita ang buong saysay ng Pasko. Dati ay nagtataka ako sa tuwing sinasabi nila na ang pasko ay para sa mga bata. Ngayon, sa kasawiang palad ay alam ko na kung bakit.

Ang hirap pag tumatanda…feeling mo alam mo na ang maraming bagay at wala nang rason pa para maniwala ka sa mga kwentong tila ay “illogical”. Ang hirap nang maniwalang baka sakaling may Santa Claus, baka totoong umiilaw nga ang ilong ni Rudolph, na pwedeng matupad ang hiling mo kapag may shooting star, at pwede ngang mapunuan ang isang matinding puwang ng kalungkutan sa puso ng bawat isa, sa pamamagitan ng pagdating ng isang sanggol--ang tagapagligtas na si Jesus. Kapag matanda ka na, kwentong barbero na lang ang mga ito sa iyo. Sinisisi natin ang pagiging baduy ng pasko sa kawalan ng pera, o sa pagtanggap ng kaunting regalo; ang hindi natin alam ay nagiging malungkot ang panahon dahil nilimot na natin ang tunay na rason ng selebrasyon.
Isinilang ni Maria ang anak ng Diyos, na si Jesus upang iligtas tayo sa ating mga kasalanan. Sa dinami-daming beses na natin itong narinig, imposibleng hindi mo pa ito nalalaman; pero sa totoo, pinaniniwalaan mo ba? Aling parte ba talaga ang mas mahirap paniwalaan: kung totoo ngang isinilang ang anak ng Diyos sa sabsaban nang araw ng pasko o ang katotohanang isa ka sa mga rason kung bakit ibinigay ng Diyos ang anak Niya sa mundo? Kung ayaw nating maging baduy ang pasko, bakit di natin balikan ang mga panahong mali-mali din ang ating mga kanta; ang mga paskong inabangan natin si Santa Claus; ang mga Disyembreng nakontento na tayo sa mga simpleng regalo. Kung gusto nating mahanap ang saysay ng Pasko, bakit di natin tanggapin sa ating mga puso ang isang munting regalo—isang sanggol.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay / FnQ

Namimiss ko na rin lang ang dating ceycey, edi babalikan ko na lang yung mga pinagsususulat ng ugok na 'yun.




Heto'ng isa sa mga unang sinulat nya para sa FnQ:

SERMON NG SANGGOL
Kahapon nagsimba ako. Sa tabi ko ay may mag-ina; di ko na gaano napuna yung nanay, napukaw na ang atensyon ko sa batang nakatingin sa akin. Nakakatuwa, sapagkat puro gilagid man ang laman ng bibig niya, walang pakialam siyang ngumisi sa aking di man niya kakilala o kaano-ano. Bakit nga ba habang bata ay libre ang ngiti, pero pag tanda, ang saya ay halos tapatan pa ng pera?
Malabo. Malamang alam nating lahat ang sagot, ayaw lang natin aminin. Mas masaya naman talaga ang buhay habang tumatanda ka, kaya lang, mukhang mas mahirap makontento. Andami masyadong problema, karaniwan, higit na madali ang malungkot kesa tumawa. Pero kung gagawin nating rason ang mga problema, edi habang buhay na tayong hindi sasaya. Sa totoo lang, hindi mauubos ang mga problema---may mga panahong magigipit ka sa pera, may eksam ka bukas, minalas ka sa puso, tumaas ang langis, may gera sa Mindanao. Kung iintayin nating maubos ang mga suliranin bago natin pipiliing lumigaya, talagang hindi na natin makakamtan ang saya.
Baka hindi ko man matapos ito. Pwedeng mamaya, makalimutan mo nang huminga. Wala naman talagang nakakaalam kung kelan mailalagay sa marmol don sa may Loyola ang mga pangalan natin. Hindi ako nananakot…kaso, naisip ko lang, ang iksi pala ng buhay, sayang naman kung hindi ko ito masusulit. Ang pangit naman atang malaman natin nang huli na, na hindi pala kaylangan na magsungit noon at mamroblema sa simpleng bagay; na hindi naman pala kailangan makasakit ng kapwa para matapos ang trabaho; na wala palang kwenta ang pagmumukmok at pagmumura nang na-gago ka ng ilang tao. Sino ba namang gustong manghinayang sa huli?
Hindi naman masamang pag-isipan ang mga problema. Natural, hindi naman pinipitas sa puno ng kalachuchi ang mga solusyon o nasasalo mula sa bibig ng kaklase mong humatsing. Ang hirap kasi sa’tin, masyado tayong mahilig magsarili; lahat tayo nagmamarunong at nagpipilit akuin ng mag-isa ang problema…kahit di naman kailangan. Nakalimutan na kasi natin ang isang bagay na marahil alam na alam natin nung tayo ma’y wala pang pakialam sa gilagidin nating mga ngiti— na isang tawag lang pala ang layo natin mula sa solusyon. Baduy na daw yon, sabi ng iba. Wala daw kwenta, para sa ilan. Ewan ko, pero para sa akin, mas madali yatang ngumiti kapag iniisip mong kahit kelan, tutulungan Niya tayo. Kaya pala ang saya ni Neneng Gilagid.

Must be PMS

Sometimes I wake up knowing that everything's going to be alright. Even when the sky's gray. Then I slump back on my seat and start feeling all shitty.
Must've eaten too much for breakfast.
Must've been what I've been thinking of last night.
On these days on the calendar, it's easiest to blame it on PMS.

Then I slap myself and say that it's all wrong; it simply isn't right to be feeling down when nothing's wrong. It's like inviting rain.

So, what now?

Maybe I'm thinking way too much about how I'm feeling today; about how I should feel. Maybe I'm growing old?

PMS. Stupid hormones.

Happy hippie

Hearing my parents laugh with each other (after a very long, tiring day each one of them had) fills me with happy thoughts.

Pin-head

It was the size of a pinhead. Unseen. But as I lay in bed last week, rendered sick with colds and fever, I felt it. Right below my sternum. There it was, a lump. Tiny, but a lump nonetheless.

Being the paranoid freak that I am, my life flashed before me. The things I’ve long feared. I won’t go into the specifics, but the nightmare mostly was made up of hospital beds, treatments, agonizing visits to the doctor, laboring for cash payments. Leaving at such a young age.

My throat went dry as I thought about those things; as I stroked the tiny lump and made sure it really was a lump on my flesh and not simply a misshapen piece of dirt on my shirt.

And I prayed. Hard. I prayed that it be nothing. I prayed for Him to take my worries away. There were nights when I’d wake up, stare in the darkness and again, pray for sleep to come. I just wanted to forget the pin-head. It was nothing. Maybe it was only a dream. But then, I’d wake up in the morning and still, I’d find it there, cradled safely below my sternum.

Then I told myself to suspend all the worrying. Stop it altogether--if it was possible. Worrying, after all is an insult to God. He’ll get me through this. He knows I’m too weak for a challenge as big as this. He knew what’s best.

‘So how come there’s a lump?’ I thought. The answer: I don’t know.

I decided not to tell my mom. It’ll only make her worry. That week, only kuya and a few of my closest friends knew. And though I told myself not to worry, but try as I might, I couldn’t shove all those sad thoughts away. Mahirap pala.

I went through the days as normally as I possibly could. But I simply couldn’t get through the days with a smile. Each chance I had to go to mass, I went. In the chapels I found solace. Baduy as it may sound, it’s true. Last week, I prayed. Really prayed.

Funny, even as I felt fear, a part of me knew that everything will be alright. It had to be. I always got what I prayed for. I consoled myself with that thought. I found comfort in the idea that He loves me. He won’t let me down. Not this time. Not ever.

Come Friday, my sadness/worries started to peak. I will be having my check-up tomorrow. Tomorrow, everything could change.

And so I went to Dra. Ongkeko, and told her about my predicament. The routine went on for less than 10minutes. But the conversation after, lasted longer. I had questions, stories…and grateful cheers to pour out.

It was nothing!

A sebaceous gland, which, to her surprise, I even bothered to notice. She even pointed out that the real lumps which were indeed THERE fell under my radar. But those too, were nothing to worry about. She assured me. I needed neither a mammogram nor a biopsy. Candidly, she told me not to worry. She even laughed as I told her how paranoid I’ve been for the past week.

And so it went. The hours, the agony of waiting for the doctor to finally tell me the worrying’s over.

There weren’t confetti popping from cans as she told me the good news. Not much fanfare. I texted kuya, regi, maui and eca. Thanked them for the prayaers. They too were relieved.

Before I went out of the clinic, I told doc that she made my day, that she can’t possibly imagine how happy her news made me feel.

But deep down, a voice told me, “Sabi ko sayo, wala lang e.” The thing is, I wasn’t sure if the past few days of keeping quiet, feeling sad, and worrying were pure manifestations of an emotional meltdown or partly histrionics. More like the latter. Because I knew He wouldn’t let me down, still I let myself go through the perfunctory motions of being sad. It wasn’t ‘proper’ after all to rejoice over such a matter. But I probably shouldn’t have been too sad, or too worried. Or I shouldn’t have made other people worried, and I shouldn’t have…The list may go on about what I should’ve or should not have done…

But the important thing is, it’s over.

I’m happy now. From my view, I see this as a new lease on life. It’s time to stop ranting over the cloud of mediocrity that hangs over this life. The point is, it’s mine, and I can still live it as well as I want to. Because my body ain’t failing me, and my dreams can become real.

Funny how God makes wow events out of the ordinary. Last week would’ve gone by in a whiz. No occasion, whatsoever, nothing to look forward to. But with the possibility of losing my life so apparent, I hung on to it. Prayed that God make it longer. I said sorry for feeling unexcited over each day; for thinking that my life at 24 failed me by faring below my expectations. It was when I feared I might lose it that I started to think that it wasn’t as bad as I painted it to be; not as mediocre as I thought; not worth being too disillusioned over to let go of. I want it still. There’s so much to be done with it.

Now, I see each day as already better, even when it’s just begun. It’s definitely better than if the doctor had said otherwise. Or if God has called the game over.

But it’s not. And so the fun goes on.

Hoping for Nothing

I had been wanting to postpone writing this until next week. When I’d finally look at things in retrospect, hopefully write of nice things, of things I’ve learned; of being thankful for a new lease on life as some would say.

Turns out I can’t keep myself from thinking about it. A part of me keeps on saying that I’m just paranoid. I may be over reacting. After all, it’s merely the size of a pimple, the shape of a pin-head. Unseen, unnoticed, until last week.

It’s amazing how a simple lump can change everything. How I who always found it so easy to smile, now find it a chore. I may be just paranoid. I hope I’m just being paranoid. I’ve played it over and over in my head. How my doctor would jokingly say that I’ve been wasting my energy and thoughts over unnecessary anxiety. How I have been sulking, worrying, getting mentally/emotionally spent over nothing. It’s nothing to be worried about, she’ll say.

It’s nothing to be worried about. Nothing. It’s nothing.
Lord please. Let it be nothing.

Missing Me

It’s an unhealthy obsession over the past.
There are times when I catch myself thinking that what I am today is a diluted version of what I was 2, 3 years ago.
I was much better then. Accomplished more. Laughed more often. Got sick less. Survived on less sleep, but lived vibrantly despite that.

Whatever happened?

Suddenly I’m brought back to my first months in college. For almost 3 months, I’ve been crying every time I got my sorry ass home. I was aching to move back the time and get myself into my black&white uniform and declare myself once more a high school student. I missed the flag ceremony, being greeted on my bday, First Friday masses (yey! 2 subjects less!) I missed eating on the floor, being in the company of friends. Ending each day knowing that I did the tasks I had to. Feeling that I did them well. (sometimes sulking over that low quiz grade)

But after a few months, I stopped missing high school.
I’ve moved on. Loved the new one. Each time I got into the campus I could not help but say (albeit in my head) ‘Hay, this is MY school.’

Ang ganda. The tree-lined avenues, the big buildings. Oh, yes, and it had boys. Real ones.

It was time to move on to bigger stuff. Bigger things to learn. Thicker books to read (&photocopy!). Longer bus rides. More people to meet, talk to, be with, call friends. The following year, people actually greeted me on my birthday. College wasn’t so bad after all. It was actually good. No, it was a blast.

Funny how when my mind goes back to my past, all the happy memories come rushing in. Suddenly, even those things which used to be perfunctory get to trigger a sense of nostalgia.

I remember the time when I started driving around the campus and Gayo and I felt the urge to cruise along Apacible gangstah syle. Windows down boom-boom music oozing from the speakers. We only lasted a couple of minutes, for fear of having someone we know see what we’ve been up to. Slapshock pa ata yung pinapatugtog namin nun.

And the time Asto and I started passing an imaginary ball along AS. Moving farther and farther from each other with each throw. Mukhang tanga, pero masaya.

K3. Ang mga alamat ni Leo. Ang galing ni Jocie mag-organize ng grupo. Lahat ng blockmates ko, na iba-iba. Pero masaya. Masaya.

Riding the Ikot jeep for the first time, getting down on the exact spot I boarded the jeep. Finding out that my perpetual crush whom I haven’t seen in 5 years suddenly is a classmate. Still, he ignored me. (Some things, never change)
Yo-sessions (na walang yosi!) with Maui&Eca. Tambay pag Tuesday o Friday.
Regi, finally putting a stop to my daydreams of having a boyfriend. Finally a loveydud was no longer a concept. He’s the real deal. Sigh.

At ICTUS. God, I miss Ictus. I don’t mean it like ‘My Gosh’ I miss Ictus. I mean it, really, like a prayer. As in, ‘God, I miss Ictus, please bring me back there.’ For a thousand and one reasons I miss it. Most of them related to the one which says: Being there, doing what I did there, made me feel good about myself. Deserving of the thought that I was doing enough; given what I had.

Okay, it may not have been enough. But it was definitely more than what I’m doing now.
It, what’s the referent of my ‘it’?

It just sucks. I just miss tapping myself on the back a-la Babe style: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

I don’t see myself deserving of the pat on the back nowadays. And that’s what I miss most about the old version of me. She worked hard, slept less, laughed more often, got tired, woke up the next day, had crushes in almost every class, sweat a lot, ate a lot, slaved off and demanded the same from groupmates, smiled at the sight of a good score, (more like jumped up&down?)

And then the memories come back. It wasn’t all fun. College, was hard. I was also harder on myself then. But I was…better then.

So who do I blame for this? That’s the whole point. I can’t pin it on anyone. Anybody from my present. They have nothing to do, or probably even have no idea about this regression. More like digression. Because, in this case, regressing to my old self would be good. But now, I’ve so far digressed from that.

In a few months I will be turning 24. And so I ask myself, what have I done with my life so far? What have I accomplished? And I will probably rattle off the things I’ve done ‘til college. After that, I will have to stall, reminisce, think back really hard about what I’ve done after graduating that would deserve my pride.

Oh, and that too. I miss feeling proud.

tantalizing

Of days I dreamt it all will end
When everything my heart has seen
my hands behold
But it seems the two were never meant to be
of one voice
For as one beholds
the other falters
rests its glance for only awhile
And looks beyond for farther more

Slow days

Lately I’ve been feeling…lethargic. Not sad or down and blue. Just that. Lethargic.
It’s amazing how some words can really capture what you truly feel. In this case, what I’m truly in. It’s a state. Not the one where you could frolic or go shopping around in.

It’s a not-so-good state…being lethargic.

There’s nothing wrong really. So I tell myself that’s its not right to be sad.
Or down, nor blue.

But lethargic, yes, I can be lethargic.

It’s a sorry excuse for my mediocre existence. I’m lethargic, so I’m mediocre. Or should it be the other way around? Could be.

In my younger, more idealistic days, I’ve always said that I wanted each day to be a fight against mediocrity. Each day should be better than the last. If I can’t do anything with the day, at least do something with myself. Better. Be better.

Now, I open my eyes to the sound of my brother’s voice (yes, I don’t use an alarm clock. Thanks kuya for the daily favor) and say to myself, is it Friday yet?

Well, not always. Sometimes I think, “Get up, get up, please”
And sometimes I pray, “Lord, please, make this a happy day”

But you see, the previous days weren’t sad at all. No tragedy, no sickness, nothing to cause anyone utmost poverty.

They just make me lethargic.

And lately, I’ve been growing even more (for the nth time) le…thar…gic.
It’s alarming.

Things that run around your mind when you're sleep-deprived

There are days when you just can’t help but pray, “Lord, please don’t let the sun shine yet.” Begging him, to please prolong the darkness, ‘til you finally get yourself to sleep, and forget about the stinging heat on your bed and back, and the impending list of things to do.

Finally, you get the strength to get up, and you realize how easy that was. So you think to yourself: life does go on.

Ka-windangan

Should life be made up of a series of Sissyphian tasks?
Will this ever really end?

--thoughts on Sapphire

Guardinero at Green light: Mga Kwentong Sabado

Exam season na, kaya sinamahan ko na lang si Regi mag-aral. Sarado na ata pati main lib sa UP, kaya sa Katipunan na lang kami tumambay. Habang kumakain ng pizza, I got distracted by some movement at my right side. Up, down. Up-down. Pag tingin ko, si Manong Guard, nagbubungkal ng lupa. Sa labas kasi ng bintana ng Pizza Hut, may maliit na flower bed.

Tapos, ang mabuting guardia, imbes na tumambay lang at magbantay sa labas ng pinto, seemed to have cooked up a method to while away the time more productively. He started to remove the dead plants from the soil. After a while, he was already re-planting new ones. It was amusing to see him.

Well, it wasn’t exactly appetizing. After all, we were eating the vegetarian pizza (feeling nagpapaka-healthy e hello, pizza kaya yun. Unhealthy to start with…) and it was weird to see plants being uprooted (with bits of soil falling from the roots) while I shoved green leafy vegetables into my mouth.

Nevertheless, it was a happy scene to remember on a Saturday afternoon. A man in a guard’s uniform happily tending a mini garden right outside the pizza place. When he was done replanting, he tenderly maneuvered his scissors to trim off the leaves from this side, and there, to give the plants a 3d cup shape.
Afterwards, he poured water on the thirsty soil, as if to say, “O ayan, inom muna kayo. Tapos tulog muna kayo mga anak.”

Right there, outside Pizza Hut Katipunan was a man who went beyond the call of duty. Where on earth will you see ‘tending a garden’ to be part of a security guard’s job description? Yet he voluntarily heeded the starving plants’ call. Oo na, wala namang yumaman, di nabayaran ang utang ng Pinas dahil sa ginawa nya. Pero nakakatuwa pa din. At aba, he did make a difference in more lives than one; go ask the plants right outside Pizza Hut Katipunan.


**Green Light**

Paboritong traffic light ko yung nasa intersection ng Ultra at Meralco Ave. ext (tama ba?) Basta yung pag andun ka, pag kumanan ka papunta kang Alexandria, pag kumaliwa papunta kang Shaw. Weniwei…

Sa lahat ng traffic lights na dinaanan ko sa tanang buhay ko, yun yung pinakamabilis mag-pula; isa sa pinakamabagal mag-green. Everytime I get to that point, it’s always red. Mabibilang ko lang sa daliri ko kung ilang beses sya green. Kaya pag may importanteng tanong ako sa buhay, yun ang ginagawa kong sign :)

Di ko sinasabing doon lang nakabase ang desisyon ko ha…pero wala lang, masarap mag-laro. Bago ko sinagot si Regi noon, sabi ko sa sarili ko, pag green ‘to game na! Ayun. Green nga.

Di pa ko nakontento. A few nights after that, nagtanong ako uli. Pag green nga ‘to, tooto na, sasagutin ko na…Green uli. Ang kulit kasi ng mukha ko. Pero teka, hindi naman ibig sabihin na yun lang ang basehan ko sa pag-decide ha. Kumbaga, kung point system ang gamit ko sa pagtimbang ng pros and cons, kasali yung green light sa scoring. Mga 10 points ang dagdag nun.

Bago ko makita yung traffic light, meron akong nakakakilig na tinanong nung sabado. Tapos saktong green. Yehey. (Kung ano man yung tinanong ko, secret na lang muna. In 6 years, sana masagot ko kung tama nga. :) )

Kutob ko talaga, merong cosmic force behind it. Basta, magaling. Magaling…

Getting more than what I gave

...
Ang karugdtong ng kagabi.
...

Totoo pramis. Wala kasing tubig at kuryente doon sa site. Kaya kung gusto mong maligo, either dun ka sa bukal maligo, o mag-igib ka't maglakad ng ilang daang metro bago makarating sa banyo. Tamad pa man din akong maligo. Eto, ibang level na. Kundi lang ako nanlilimahid sa libag, semento, pawis at kung ano-ano pang elemento, di na lang ako naligo.

Pero ansarap ng feeling pagkaligo ha. Parang gumaan ako by 2 lbs.

Eto pang isang first.

First time kong matulog sa tent. Buti na lang pinahiram kami nila Duane. Sakto lang kami ni Maui sa pulang small-sized Coleman tent na dala ni Mike. Ayus sana yung posisyon namin dahil nasa may lilim. Kaso may malaking bato sa ilalim ng tent namin kaya dapat dahan-dahan kang hihiga, kundi baka masapul yung likod mo.

Kinabukasan, nagmisa sa site. Di ko na kinaya mag-build uli. Bukod sa masakit na ang likod, braso, at balat ko...Mas malaking concern ko ay ang katamaran kong maligo pa uli bago umuwi. Nakakahiya man, pero totoo. Tinatamad na kong mag-igib uli sa malayo para maligo uli. Kaya kung pwede lang wag na kong gumalaw kinaumagahan para wag nang mamawis at mamaho bago makauwi sa Maynila.

Onga pala, meron pang isang first.

First time kong makipagchikahan sa mga sundalo. Kinabahan nga si Maui. Kasi ganito yung takbo ng chikahan namin ng isang magiting na myembro ng Philippine Army.

Macho Sundalo: Taga-Manila ba kayo?
Cey & Maui: Opo.
Macho Sundalo: A talga? San sa Manila?
Maui: Sa _______
Cey: Ako po sa Mandaluyong. Sa loob.
Macho Sundalo: (nakikisakay sa lokohan) A talaga, sa loob? Saan dun?
Cey: Sa Pavillion 5 po.
Macho Sundalo: Aba! Ba't ka naman napasok dun? May pagka- loko ka siguro (basta something to that effect. Nakikipag-joke din kasi sya)
Cey: Hindi naman. Pinasok ako sa Mental matapos akong manapak ng sundalong nang-aasar sakin. Bwehehehe.
Maui: Nervous laughter.


Ayan. Magaling. Hindi na mawawala ang gist ng General Nakar experience ko. Buti na lang nagyaya sila Duane & Didi. Heto nga pala ang mga bagong friends from YFC EA--Pat, Derrick, Aaron, Patrick, Galo, Jayson, John, Love, Michelle, Tracy, yung isa pang matangkad at mabait na kabarkada nila, AR, RJ, Mike. Pati yung mga naging instant Titos & Titas from CFC, sila Tita Roda, Tito Tonie, Tito who rode in front of the van nung pauwi from Quezon :)

Yung mga bahay, di pa namin tapos. Tuloy-tuloy pa ang daloy ng mga tao. Ang goal ay ang makapagtayo ng 120 houses sa site. Parte ng 7700 houses in 7 years goal ng Gawad Kalinga.

Ang ganda pala ng slogan nila: Bawat Pilipino Bayani.

Back to my previous point. I got more than what I gave...Ayan na naman, nagpapaka-feeling-mabuting-Kristyano ako kaya sumama. Feeling ko, nagbigay ako sa kapwa. Pero sa totoo, mas madami akong nakuha. Mukhang di ko na kailangan i-explain. Ibang klase yung saya at recharge ng pag-asa't paniniwala uli sa bansa ang nakuha ko nung araw na yun. Sana, sana lang e di naman yun ang huli. Sana din, lahat ng mga batang nakasama namin dun, akchwali, lahat ng mga sumama sa build na yun, patuloy maniwala na ookey sa owrayt pa 'tong Pinas.

Sabi nga ni Maui, sayang nga lang...bakit tuwing weekends lang pwede gawin yung mga ganitong bagay? Bakit nga ba? Gusto kong isipin na pwede namang habang ginagawa natin ang mga kanya-kanya nating mga trabaho e may magawa pa rin tayo para sa ikauunlad ng bansa.

Ano ba 'to, parang boses politiko.

Pero gets mo naman ang punto ko diba? Pwede kaya yun? Pwede dapat e. Di ko pa lang sigurado, as in concretely grasp the idea of how to go about it exactly.

Siguro, sa ngayon kahit pakonti-konti muna. Pero dapat atang malaman na kung pano kaya talaga; sa lalong madaling panahon.

Ang karugdtong

To be continued(michelle, Lyle, YFC people, Golda)Masakit na balat, likod. Pero masayang puso.Deprive yourself of some comforts sometimes…

Sorry ha, ilang beses ko na atang sinabing nakakatuwa, nakakatuwa. E kasi, wala na akong ibang masabi. Basta SOBRANG NAKAKATUWA. Approximation lang yun sa lagay na 'yun.

Biruin nyo, may mga taong pumunta doon, nakisama sa Kalinga Luzon out of their own accord. Hindi school activity. Walang pumilit sa kanila. Gusto lang nila tumulong. Sa tingin nila gusto lang nilang gumawa ng paraan para kahit papano, kahit sa maliit na paraan may magawa naman sila sa bansa.

May mga nakilala kaming taga-Miriam. Sila Golda, Marian...at si... Naku, ang hina ko sa pangalan. Pero in fairness, naalala ko naman ang itsura nya. Kami, 2 days lang sa site, etong mga batang 'to, isang linggo halos. Ibang klase! Tapos nagyayaya pa nga silang bumalik. Mag-organize daw kami minsan ng build uli.

Walang grade na katapat. Pero pumunta ang mga estudyanteng to.

Eto pang mga nakakabilib na taong nakilala ko: Si Lyle, isang full-time missionary para sa YFC. Ka-edad ko lang, tapos yun yung napili nyang tunay na trabaho. Tapos mukhang masaya sya.

Si Michelle, isang teacher sa Holy Spirit. Graduate ng Ateneo. Mahilig mag-volunteer sa mga clean-up sa Manila Zoo, feeling ko nagk-Kythe din sya dahil na mention nyang nakapag-alaga na din sya ng mga batang may cancer, tumanggi sa isang high-paying job dahil nalaman nyang yung Kanong boss nya ay nag-utos na hinding-hindi, under any circumstances, nila aaminin sa mga customers na kausap nila na mga Pinoy sila.

Nabad trip nga daw yung pamilya nya nung ginawa nya yun. Pero pinanindigan nya yung prinsipyo nya.

Hanep. May mga nagtatanong daw sa kanya kung bakit ba nya ginagawa yung mga bagay na yun. Wala namang perang kapalit o kung ano pa man. Simple lang ang sagot nya, "Mahal ko ang Pilipinas."

Potek. Pareho siguro tayo ng iniisip. Yung mga taong ganun, pinagtatayo na ata ng rebulto. Sobrang rare. Ilang beses sa isang taon lang ata ako nakakarinig ng ganun. Madami every 4 years, bandang Mayo. Lalo't pag malapit na ang bilangan ng boto.

Sa dalawang araw namin sa Quezon, hindi ko talaga makakalimutan kung gaano kasarap ng pakiramdam tuwing naririnig ko ang mga salitang iyon. Seryoso, may mga Pilipino pang nagsasabing ayaw nilang iwan ang Pilipinas.

At hindi sila tinutukan ng baril para sabihin ito.

Nung narinig ko nga si Michelle magsalita, parang napatanong din ako sa sarili ko. Ako ba, anong ginagawa ko dito?

Yung totoo? Nagpapaka self-righteous. Para may masabi naman akong may nagawa ako para sa bansa. Kahit papano. Oo na, anong tulong ba naman ang magagawa ng pagbuhat ng konting hollow blocks at pag-halo ng semento. (Pero in fairness, hindi sya madali ha) Anong magagawa ng pagtitiis ng init at pagkasunog ng balat (e uso naman ang tan ngayon dahil summer). Did I really make a difference?

Gusto kong sabihing oo e. Gusto ko talaga.

Pero isang bagay ang mas sigurado ko. I got more than what I gave.

Oo, nakakapagod. Jahe pa ang amoy pagkatapos magbuhat, magbody-building gamit ang pala at malapot na semento, at magbilad sa araw. Hassle maligo dahil mag-iigib ka pa sa bukal...

to be cont.

Madaming firsts sa General Nakar

Ang sarap isipin na sa panahon ngayon, may mga taong ayaw pa ring iwan ang bayan.

Sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako ganun ka-desedido pumunta. Nung inemail nga ni didi sakin yung invitation, di ko pa nabasa ng maayos. Buti na lang nagtext sya. Nagtanong uli kung may balak ba ko sumama. Nung una, nahihiya lang ako magdecline. Pero…ewan. Parang sa kaloob-looban ko, merong gustong sumama sa Quezon.

And now I’m back on my cube. But the past two days were amazing. Dati, akala ko, Boracay lang ang katapat ng pagod na utak. Pag bagot na ko, iniisip ko lang ang putting buhangin, ang kumiskislap-kislap na tubig na wari bang tinatawag ang pangalan mo sa bawat pag-alon. Ang hangin na bumubulong sa tainga mo at walang ibang sinasabi kundi, “Mainit ba? Lublob ka na, tara.”

Pero yung trip sa General Nakar, hindi ko makakalimutan. Ang daming firsts.
Teka, teka…akchwali, kaya ko ‘to sinulat, takot akong makalimutan yung mga detalye. Minsan kasi may paraan mag-edit ang utak ko. Yung gist lang ang natatandaan. Basta yung thought lang na nag-enjoy ako. Period.

Sayang naman kung mabaon lang sa limot yung mga pangyayari ng April 2-3. Kaya’t heto na.


Ang daming Firsts.

First time kong makakita ng alitaptap. Astig. Parang bulalakaw na malapit lang sa kamay mo. Sayang, ang bilis nga lang lumipad papalayo.

First time kong makakita ng kalabaw na nagkakamot ng tenga gamit ang kanyang hind leg. Akala ko, aso lang ang gumagawa nun. Kapag kalabaw ka, igagalaw mo lang ang tenga mo para mabugaw ang makulit na langaw. O kaya, magdasal at umasang aalis na lang ang makulit na insekto ng kusa. Hindi pala. Either marunong lahat ng kalabaw magkamot ng tenga gamit ang hind legs nila…o nagyoyoga yung kalabaw na nakita ko.


It was the first time I listened to a soldier, and saw the Filipino behind the army suit. And I was thankful, not frightened to see that they were there. After all, that was Quezon and it’s known to be a place where NPA’s hold their fort. Pero narinig ko mula sa iba naming kaibigan na ayos naman pala ang mga NPA at sundalo sa Quezon, yung iban nga, nag-iinuman pa. Kasi nga naman magkakapitbahay sila. Pero para lang siguro makampante ang mga volunteers na nasa site, binantayan na din kami ng mga sundalo. Mabuti na rin yun, para kampante ang mga magulang naming kapag nagtetext kami sa kanila para mag-update kung kamusta nga naman kami.

Weniwei, back to the sundalo story.

Kinwento nya yung tungkol sa mag-amang may dalang kalabaw. Sa ibang versions, donkey ang dala nila. When the son was riding on the carabao’s back, people criticized him for not letting his old father take the ride. When the father rode on the carabao, people still criticized him for not letting his young son ride on it instead. Nung nalito na ang mag-ama at ayaw nang mapulaan, di na lang nila sinakyan yung kalabaw.

Nang ganito ang ginawa nila, ang sabi ng mga nakakita, “Mga tanga, may kalabaw, ayaw naman gamitin”

Ayaw ko na halos makinig sa kwento nya, kasi nga naman, alam ko na yung ending. Sino bang hindi.

Pero yung punchline ni manong, tinablan ako. Sabi nya, yung mag-ama daw kasi, parang ang gobyerno natin, kahit na anong gawin, siguradong mapupulaan, mahahanapan ng mali.

Oo nga naman. Syempre, parang tayo lang yan. Can’t please everyone ika nga.

Pero sa totoo lang, naawa ako kay Lt… (Ano ba yan, nakalimutan ko ang pangalan nya. Russell ata…) Kasi nagtatrabaho sya para sa gobyerno. Sundalo pa din sya, kahit alam nyang kaunti na lang ang naniniwala sa kakayanan nyang magsilbi.

Hayyy. Sino ba naman sa atin ang nakakakita ng mga opisyal ng army at gobyerno na ang gagara ng mga sasakyan at hindi alam kung kaninong bulsa ba nanggaling ang pambili. Linchok na. Ang hirap ditto, sa sobrang talamak ng nakawan, parang lehitimo na.

Tapos, yun lang naman kasi ang madalas nating Makita. Di natin naalala kung sino yung mga nasa ilalim ng mga opisyal na nagpapaksasa sa erkon na bahay at magarang kotse.

Tulad nung mga sundalong kasama namin nun. Natuwa nga daw sya at nakasalamuha ang mga sibilyan. At least may opportunity naman silang maipakilala ang tunay na intensyon nila na magsilbi.

Hindi lang sila nagbabantay dun ha. Sila mismo nagbubuhat ng hollow-blocks. Nagbubungkal ng lupa. Naghahalo ng semento. Nakikipagdaldalan. Pinapawisan. Nauuhaw. Nag-iintay kung kelan kaya magb-break para makakin ng pandesal. Natutuwa dahil unti-unting nabubuo ang mga bahay.

Nakakatuwa. Nakakapangilid pa nga ng luha. Ang sarap isipin, na eto, eto ang mga kababayan ko.

Ang hirap kasi kapag andito ka lang lagi sa Maynila. Nakakulong sa opisina, lalabas sa mall para magpalamig at mag-aliw. Uuwi ng bahay nang pagod kaya di na halos makapagkwentuhan sa kapamilya. Matutulog para bumangon uli at ulit-ulitin ang parehong mga pangyayari.

You see the same things and get numbed by the idea that this is it. We’ve got nothing else to do but get used to the fact that this is how it’s been and this is how it’s going to be even when we have kids of our own.

Matraffic, madami pa ding mahirap. May mga mayayaman na gumigimik sa Makati. Yung mga minalas na pinanganak na mahirap, malamang pati mga anak nila ganun na din. Yung mga mayayaman, kundi man mabawasan ng konti ang kayamanan, malamang yayaman at yayaman pa rin. O kaya aalis ng bansa dahil sawang-sawa na sila makakita ng pangit.

Pero ganito na lang ba talaga?

Nung Sabado’t linggo, nakita ko na HINDE. Hindi talaga, kasi may mga Pilipino pa ding gustong tumulong. May mga tao pa ring nagsasabing ‘Ayaw kong iwan ang bansang ‘to. Mahal ko ang Pilipinas”

At hindi sila tumatakbo sa eleksyon ha. O naghahanap ng taong mapapa-impress. Sinasabi nila yun kasi totoo.

Ang sarap. Ang sarap marinig. Na may mga taong naniniwala pa din na aayos pa ‘tong bansa natin. And the best part of it all was that they were doing something about it.

First time kong sumama sa mga Couples, Singles, at Youth for Christ. Kasama din namin ang mga SIGA. Halo-halo, iba-ibang eskwela, probinsya, o kung ano pa man. Basta gusto lang tumulong. Magtayo ng bahay.

First time kong nasampal ng katotohanang tumatanda na nga talaga ako. Well, syempre, paminsan-minsan, naiisip ko na yun. Kahit na naipako na sa 21 ang edad ko, di ko pa rin matakasan na totoo, malayo na sa ‘teen’ ang actual age ko.

Well, di pa naman sobrang tanda. (Ayaw talagang pakawalan) Pero hindi na yung tipong madaling makipagsabayan sa energy level ng mga tunay na bata. (tubog lang pala akoh!)

Basta, iba pala. Nung mga 17-19 ako, ang tingin ko talaga sa mga taong 23 pataas…matanda na. Hindi naman tipong lola-ic, pero iba na. Iba na ang humor, iba na ang prinsipyo sa buhay, iba na ang mga priorities…

Hmmm, looking back, mejo iba nga. Pero in essence, ganun pa din. Gusto pa ding magkaron ng stable na trabaho, magkapamilya, yumaman! Makatulong sa iba, sana.

Kaya lang, naiiba ang order pag tumatanda ka. I-jumble jumble mo na lang. Basta pag bata ka, iba. Pag tumanda… ewan. Basta yun.


To be continued


(michelle, Lyle, YFC people, Golda)

Masakit na balat, likod. Pero masayang puso.

Deprive yourself of some comforts sometimes…