Missing Me

It’s an unhealthy obsession over the past.
There are times when I catch myself thinking that what I am today is a diluted version of what I was 2, 3 years ago.
I was much better then. Accomplished more. Laughed more often. Got sick less. Survived on less sleep, but lived vibrantly despite that.

Whatever happened?

Suddenly I’m brought back to my first months in college. For almost 3 months, I’ve been crying every time I got my sorry ass home. I was aching to move back the time and get myself into my black&white uniform and declare myself once more a high school student. I missed the flag ceremony, being greeted on my bday, First Friday masses (yey! 2 subjects less!) I missed eating on the floor, being in the company of friends. Ending each day knowing that I did the tasks I had to. Feeling that I did them well. (sometimes sulking over that low quiz grade)

But after a few months, I stopped missing high school.
I’ve moved on. Loved the new one. Each time I got into the campus I could not help but say (albeit in my head) ‘Hay, this is MY school.’

Ang ganda. The tree-lined avenues, the big buildings. Oh, yes, and it had boys. Real ones.

It was time to move on to bigger stuff. Bigger things to learn. Thicker books to read (&photocopy!). Longer bus rides. More people to meet, talk to, be with, call friends. The following year, people actually greeted me on my birthday. College wasn’t so bad after all. It was actually good. No, it was a blast.

Funny how when my mind goes back to my past, all the happy memories come rushing in. Suddenly, even those things which used to be perfunctory get to trigger a sense of nostalgia.

I remember the time when I started driving around the campus and Gayo and I felt the urge to cruise along Apacible gangstah syle. Windows down boom-boom music oozing from the speakers. We only lasted a couple of minutes, for fear of having someone we know see what we’ve been up to. Slapshock pa ata yung pinapatugtog namin nun.

And the time Asto and I started passing an imaginary ball along AS. Moving farther and farther from each other with each throw. Mukhang tanga, pero masaya.

K3. Ang mga alamat ni Leo. Ang galing ni Jocie mag-organize ng grupo. Lahat ng blockmates ko, na iba-iba. Pero masaya. Masaya.

Riding the Ikot jeep for the first time, getting down on the exact spot I boarded the jeep. Finding out that my perpetual crush whom I haven’t seen in 5 years suddenly is a classmate. Still, he ignored me. (Some things, never change)
Yo-sessions (na walang yosi!) with Maui&Eca. Tambay pag Tuesday o Friday.
Regi, finally putting a stop to my daydreams of having a boyfriend. Finally a loveydud was no longer a concept. He’s the real deal. Sigh.

At ICTUS. God, I miss Ictus. I don’t mean it like ‘My Gosh’ I miss Ictus. I mean it, really, like a prayer. As in, ‘God, I miss Ictus, please bring me back there.’ For a thousand and one reasons I miss it. Most of them related to the one which says: Being there, doing what I did there, made me feel good about myself. Deserving of the thought that I was doing enough; given what I had.

Okay, it may not have been enough. But it was definitely more than what I’m doing now.
It, what’s the referent of my ‘it’?

It just sucks. I just miss tapping myself on the back a-la Babe style: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

I don’t see myself deserving of the pat on the back nowadays. And that’s what I miss most about the old version of me. She worked hard, slept less, laughed more often, got tired, woke up the next day, had crushes in almost every class, sweat a lot, ate a lot, slaved off and demanded the same from groupmates, smiled at the sight of a good score, (more like jumped up&down?)

And then the memories come back. It wasn’t all fun. College, was hard. I was also harder on myself then. But I was…better then.

So who do I blame for this? That’s the whole point. I can’t pin it on anyone. Anybody from my present. They have nothing to do, or probably even have no idea about this regression. More like digression. Because, in this case, regressing to my old self would be good. But now, I’ve so far digressed from that.

In a few months I will be turning 24. And so I ask myself, what have I done with my life so far? What have I accomplished? And I will probably rattle off the things I’ve done ‘til college. After that, I will have to stall, reminisce, think back really hard about what I’ve done after graduating that would deserve my pride.

Oh, and that too. I miss feeling proud.