Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Pin-head

It was the size of a pinhead. Unseen. But as I lay in bed last week, rendered sick with colds and fever, I felt it. Right below my sternum. There it was, a lump. Tiny, but a lump nonetheless.

Being the paranoid freak that I am, my life flashed before me. The things I’ve long feared. I won’t go into the specifics, but the nightmare mostly was made up of hospital beds, treatments, agonizing visits to the doctor, laboring for cash payments. Leaving at such a young age.

My throat went dry as I thought about those things; as I stroked the tiny lump and made sure it really was a lump on my flesh and not simply a misshapen piece of dirt on my shirt.

And I prayed. Hard. I prayed that it be nothing. I prayed for Him to take my worries away. There were nights when I’d wake up, stare in the darkness and again, pray for sleep to come. I just wanted to forget the pin-head. It was nothing. Maybe it was only a dream. But then, I’d wake up in the morning and still, I’d find it there, cradled safely below my sternum.

Then I told myself to suspend all the worrying. Stop it altogether--if it was possible. Worrying, after all is an insult to God. He’ll get me through this. He knows I’m too weak for a challenge as big as this. He knew what’s best.

‘So how come there’s a lump?’ I thought. The answer: I don’t know.

I decided not to tell my mom. It’ll only make her worry. That week, only kuya and a few of my closest friends knew. And though I told myself not to worry, but try as I might, I couldn’t shove all those sad thoughts away. Mahirap pala.

I went through the days as normally as I possibly could. But I simply couldn’t get through the days with a smile. Each chance I had to go to mass, I went. In the chapels I found solace. Baduy as it may sound, it’s true. Last week, I prayed. Really prayed.

Funny, even as I felt fear, a part of me knew that everything will be alright. It had to be. I always got what I prayed for. I consoled myself with that thought. I found comfort in the idea that He loves me. He won’t let me down. Not this time. Not ever.

Come Friday, my sadness/worries started to peak. I will be having my check-up tomorrow. Tomorrow, everything could change.

And so I went to Dra. Ongkeko, and told her about my predicament. The routine went on for less than 10minutes. But the conversation after, lasted longer. I had questions, stories…and grateful cheers to pour out.

It was nothing!

A sebaceous gland, which, to her surprise, I even bothered to notice. She even pointed out that the real lumps which were indeed THERE fell under my radar. But those too, were nothing to worry about. She assured me. I needed neither a mammogram nor a biopsy. Candidly, she told me not to worry. She even laughed as I told her how paranoid I’ve been for the past week.

And so it went. The hours, the agony of waiting for the doctor to finally tell me the worrying’s over.

There weren’t confetti popping from cans as she told me the good news. Not much fanfare. I texted kuya, regi, maui and eca. Thanked them for the prayaers. They too were relieved.

Before I went out of the clinic, I told doc that she made my day, that she can’t possibly imagine how happy her news made me feel.

But deep down, a voice told me, “Sabi ko sayo, wala lang e.” The thing is, I wasn’t sure if the past few days of keeping quiet, feeling sad, and worrying were pure manifestations of an emotional meltdown or partly histrionics. More like the latter. Because I knew He wouldn’t let me down, still I let myself go through the perfunctory motions of being sad. It wasn’t ‘proper’ after all to rejoice over such a matter. But I probably shouldn’t have been too sad, or too worried. Or I shouldn’t have made other people worried, and I shouldn’t have…The list may go on about what I should’ve or should not have done…

But the important thing is, it’s over.

I’m happy now. From my view, I see this as a new lease on life. It’s time to stop ranting over the cloud of mediocrity that hangs over this life. The point is, it’s mine, and I can still live it as well as I want to. Because my body ain’t failing me, and my dreams can become real.

Funny how God makes wow events out of the ordinary. Last week would’ve gone by in a whiz. No occasion, whatsoever, nothing to look forward to. But with the possibility of losing my life so apparent, I hung on to it. Prayed that God make it longer. I said sorry for feeling unexcited over each day; for thinking that my life at 24 failed me by faring below my expectations. It was when I feared I might lose it that I started to think that it wasn’t as bad as I painted it to be; not as mediocre as I thought; not worth being too disillusioned over to let go of. I want it still. There’s so much to be done with it.

Now, I see each day as already better, even when it’s just begun. It’s definitely better than if the doctor had said otherwise. Or if God has called the game over.

But it’s not. And so the fun goes on.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Hoping for Nothing

I had been wanting to postpone writing this until next week. When I’d finally look at things in retrospect, hopefully write of nice things, of things I’ve learned; of being thankful for a new lease on life as some would say.

Turns out I can’t keep myself from thinking about it. A part of me keeps on saying that I’m just paranoid. I may be over reacting. After all, it’s merely the size of a pimple, the shape of a pin-head. Unseen, unnoticed, until last week.

It’s amazing how a simple lump can change everything. How I who always found it so easy to smile, now find it a chore. I may be just paranoid. I hope I’m just being paranoid. I’ve played it over and over in my head. How my doctor would jokingly say that I’ve been wasting my energy and thoughts over unnecessary anxiety. How I have been sulking, worrying, getting mentally/emotionally spent over nothing. It’s nothing to be worried about, she’ll say.

It’s nothing to be worried about. Nothing. It’s nothing.
Lord please. Let it be nothing.

Missing Me


It’s an unhealthy obsession over the past.
There are times when I catch myself thinking that what I am today is a diluted version of what I was 2, 3 years ago.
I was much better then. Accomplished more. Laughed more often. Got sick less. Survived on less sleep, but lived vibrantly despite that.

Whatever happened?

Suddenly I’m brought back to my first months in college. For almost 3 months, I’ve been crying every time I got my sorry ass home. I was aching to move back the time and get myself into my black&white uniform and declare myself once more a high school student. I missed the flag ceremony, being greeted on my bday, First Friday masses (yey! 2 subjects less!) I missed eating on the floor, being in the company of friends. Ending each day knowing that I did the tasks I had to. Feeling that I did them well. (sometimes sulking over that low quiz grade)

But after a few months, I stopped missing high school.
I’ve moved on. Loved the new one. Each time I got into the campus I could not help but say (albeit in my head) ‘Hay, this is MY school.’

Ang ganda. The tree-lined avenues, the big buildings. Oh, yes, and it had boys. Real ones.

It was time to move on to bigger stuff. Bigger things to learn. Thicker books to read (&photocopy!). Longer bus rides. More people to meet, talk to, be with, call friends. The following year, people actually greeted me on my birthday. College wasn’t so bad after all. It was actually good. No, it was a blast.

Funny how when my mind goes back to my past, all the happy memories come rushing in. Suddenly, even those things which used to be perfunctory get to trigger a sense of nostalgia.

I remember the time when I started driving around the campus and Gayo and I felt the urge to cruise along Apacible gangstah syle. Windows down boom-boom music oozing from the speakers. We only lasted a couple of minutes, for fear of having someone we know see what we’ve been up to. Slapshock pa ata yung pinapatugtog namin nun.

And the time Asto and I started passing an imaginary ball along AS. Moving farther and farther from each other with each throw. Mukhang tanga, pero masaya.

K3. Ang mga alamat ni Leo. Ang galing ni Jocie mag-organize ng grupo. Lahat ng blockmates ko, na iba-iba. Pero masaya. Masaya.

Riding the Ikot jeep for the first time, getting down on the exact spot I boarded the jeep. Finding out that my perpetual crush whom I haven’t seen in 5 years suddenly is a classmate. Still, he ignored me. (Some things, never change)
Yo-sessions (na walang yosi!) with Maui&Eca. Tambay pag Tuesday o Friday.
Regi, finally putting a stop to my daydreams of having a boyfriend. Finally a loveydud was no longer a concept. He’s the real deal. Sigh.

At ICTUS. God, I miss Ictus. I don’t mean it like ‘My Gosh’ I miss Ictus. I mean it, really, like a prayer. As in, ‘God, I miss Ictus, please bring me back there.’ For a thousand and one reasons I miss it. Most of them related to the one which says: Being there, doing what I did there, made me feel good about myself. Deserving of the thought that I was doing enough; given what I had.

Okay, it may not have been enough. But it was definitely more than what I’m doing now.
It, what’s the referent of my ‘it’?

It just sucks. I just miss tapping myself on the back a-la Babe style: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

I don’t see myself deserving of the pat on the back nowadays. And that’s what I miss most about the old version of me. She worked hard, slept less, laughed more often, got tired, woke up the next day, had crushes in almost every class, sweat a lot, ate a lot, slaved off and demanded the same from groupmates, smiled at the sight of a good score, (more like jumped up&down?)

And then the memories come back. It wasn’t all fun. College, was hard. I was also harder on myself then. But I was…better then.

So who do I blame for this? That’s the whole point. I can’t pin it on anyone. Anybody from my present. They have nothing to do, or probably even have no idea about this regression. More like digression. Because, in this case, regressing to my old self would be good. But now, I’ve so far digressed from that.

In a few months I will be turning 24. And so I ask myself, what have I done with my life so far? What have I accomplished? And I will probably rattle off the things I’ve done ‘til college. After that, I will have to stall, reminisce, think back really hard about what I’ve done after graduating that would deserve my pride.

Oh, and that too. I miss feeling proud.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

tantalizing

Of days I dreamt it all will end
When everything my heart has seen
my hands behold
But it seems the two were never meant to be
of one voice
For as one beholds
the other falters
rests its glance for only awhile
And looks beyond for farther more