The Post Post Partum (D) Post

After x number of months, I'm finally back.

Was putting off writing because I was thinking of starting off with the Post-Post-Partum (D) Post. But I don't think I'm that rrrready to get back to the dark ages. Not just yet.

Would rather look at the bright side, and enjoy lucid thoughts on motherhood.

Sometimes there are days when I think that the bad hormones are still in my system; or the drama queen in me just found yet another reason to unabashedly wallow in self-pity. Mommy guilt. "Am I doing this right?"
"Am I being a good mother?"
"Will this make him the best that he could be? or Will it set him back?"

Praninger-Z. If I were to acknowledge all the questions ringing in my head, I guess I'll never be a happy mom.

For now, the best trick I've learned is holding on to the mantra:
Being a momma's an act of faith. Thank God for God.

Because the truth is, no matter what the books, experts, moms, grandmoms, in-laws or the best-ever-mother-awardee would say the best way to be a mom is--what they say is best may not be what's best for me. Because no two moms are the same.
There is no cut & dried, tried and tested, guaranteed way to do this perfectly.

In times when Rayray cries and I can't seem to figure out what to do, I imagine myself laying my head on Mama Mary's lap. And there I find my rest; and 15-second respite from the heartbreaking, indecipherable waaahs. Sometimes I get to make him stop, sometimes he still cries. But there is comfort in knowing that God won't let me be a nanay if I couldn't be a loving one to Rayray.

As my friend Ina said, "...what matters most is that your baby knows you love him/her."

Hay Rayray, there may be times when Nanay can't seem to figure out what you want.
When Nanay can't come home early.
When Nanay can't amuse you longer.
When Nanay can't give you the best types of unprocessed food.
When Nanay can't give you more breastmilk that she can...
When...

The list could go on for as long as the guilt-trip can find the inroads I've created in my head--

But remember, Rayray, that I try, and will try really hard to be the best nanay I can be for you. And I want to be happy doing it. Because this guilt-trip's not meant to be a joyride for two.

So I'm parking the guilt. And basking in the thought that I finally get what they say about babies taking away all your tiredness with one hug.
(Because I used to think "Wha?! I'm still one tired momma.")

And the inexplicable joy I get just watching you sleep.
Wow. I've truly been mommified.

Luv,
Nanay