Pin-head

It was the size of a pinhead. Unseen. But as I lay in bed last week, rendered sick with colds and fever, I felt it. Right below my sternum. There it was, a lump. Tiny, but a lump nonetheless.

Being the paranoid freak that I am, my life flashed before me. The things I’ve long feared. I won’t go into the specifics, but the nightmare mostly was made up of hospital beds, treatments, agonizing visits to the doctor, laboring for cash payments. Leaving at such a young age.

My throat went dry as I thought about those things; as I stroked the tiny lump and made sure it really was a lump on my flesh and not simply a misshapen piece of dirt on my shirt.

And I prayed. Hard. I prayed that it be nothing. I prayed for Him to take my worries away. There were nights when I’d wake up, stare in the darkness and again, pray for sleep to come. I just wanted to forget the pin-head. It was nothing. Maybe it was only a dream. But then, I’d wake up in the morning and still, I’d find it there, cradled safely below my sternum.

Then I told myself to suspend all the worrying. Stop it altogether--if it was possible. Worrying, after all is an insult to God. He’ll get me through this. He knows I’m too weak for a challenge as big as this. He knew what’s best.

‘So how come there’s a lump?’ I thought. The answer: I don’t know.

I decided not to tell my mom. It’ll only make her worry. That week, only kuya and a few of my closest friends knew. And though I told myself not to worry, but try as I might, I couldn’t shove all those sad thoughts away. Mahirap pala.

I went through the days as normally as I possibly could. But I simply couldn’t get through the days with a smile. Each chance I had to go to mass, I went. In the chapels I found solace. Baduy as it may sound, it’s true. Last week, I prayed. Really prayed.

Funny, even as I felt fear, a part of me knew that everything will be alright. It had to be. I always got what I prayed for. I consoled myself with that thought. I found comfort in the idea that He loves me. He won’t let me down. Not this time. Not ever.

Come Friday, my sadness/worries started to peak. I will be having my check-up tomorrow. Tomorrow, everything could change.

And so I went to Dra. Ongkeko, and told her about my predicament. The routine went on for less than 10minutes. But the conversation after, lasted longer. I had questions, stories…and grateful cheers to pour out.

It was nothing!

A sebaceous gland, which, to her surprise, I even bothered to notice. She even pointed out that the real lumps which were indeed THERE fell under my radar. But those too, were nothing to worry about. She assured me. I needed neither a mammogram nor a biopsy. Candidly, she told me not to worry. She even laughed as I told her how paranoid I’ve been for the past week.

And so it went. The hours, the agony of waiting for the doctor to finally tell me the worrying’s over.

There weren’t confetti popping from cans as she told me the good news. Not much fanfare. I texted kuya, regi, maui and eca. Thanked them for the prayaers. They too were relieved.

Before I went out of the clinic, I told doc that she made my day, that she can’t possibly imagine how happy her news made me feel.

But deep down, a voice told me, “Sabi ko sayo, wala lang e.” The thing is, I wasn’t sure if the past few days of keeping quiet, feeling sad, and worrying were pure manifestations of an emotional meltdown or partly histrionics. More like the latter. Because I knew He wouldn’t let me down, still I let myself go through the perfunctory motions of being sad. It wasn’t ‘proper’ after all to rejoice over such a matter. But I probably shouldn’t have been too sad, or too worried. Or I shouldn’t have made other people worried, and I shouldn’t have…The list may go on about what I should’ve or should not have done…

But the important thing is, it’s over.

I’m happy now. From my view, I see this as a new lease on life. It’s time to stop ranting over the cloud of mediocrity that hangs over this life. The point is, it’s mine, and I can still live it as well as I want to. Because my body ain’t failing me, and my dreams can become real.

Funny how God makes wow events out of the ordinary. Last week would’ve gone by in a whiz. No occasion, whatsoever, nothing to look forward to. But with the possibility of losing my life so apparent, I hung on to it. Prayed that God make it longer. I said sorry for feeling unexcited over each day; for thinking that my life at 24 failed me by faring below my expectations. It was when I feared I might lose it that I started to think that it wasn’t as bad as I painted it to be; not as mediocre as I thought; not worth being too disillusioned over to let go of. I want it still. There’s so much to be done with it.

Now, I see each day as already better, even when it’s just begun. It’s definitely better than if the doctor had said otherwise. Or if God has called the game over.

But it’s not. And so the fun goes on.