Mommylove.

Dear Rayray,

Whenever I see you (especially as I stare at you sleeping with your chubby cheeks resting on the pillow and your eyes looking all the more Shaolin), I can't help but think "How could we have been so lucky?"
True, there were times when I felt so exhausted and sleep deprived.
There are still some moments when I can't help but notice how much our lives have changed.
I do miss the late night-outs, trips I could go to on a whim, basically not having to worry about anyone else but myself. There are a lot of things, which honestly, had I known before having you, I probably would have had second thoughts on whether or not I could really take on motherhood.
Thank God nothing scared me too much to back out on being a parent. Because no matter how much poo or pee or back-breaking bends to carry 25lbs up around my waist for long stretches...See, right now I can't even think of anything bad enough to merit the thought of not having had you. Nothing could ever be worse than not being with you.

You are such a blessing.
When you hold my cheek in the morning as you say, "Nana, nana."
When you turn over and ride your dad's tummy as you say "Tata, tata!"
I still can't help but feel amazed at how fast you're growing.
And baduy as it may sound, I always have this overwhelming feeling--like my heart's about to explode because it just can't contain the amount of love I feel for you.
I just love you so much. Hugging you just feels like a burst of positive energy. All my worries, frustrations, or whatever sh**ty feeling just melts away.

I thank God for you. It's amazing seeing you cuddled in your Tatay's embrace...and in that moment, I realize how that portion of our bed suddenly contains my whole world.

Always remember that you are very much loved, Anak.

*hugs*
Nanay

Baby, baby, baby oh.

There are mornings when I wake up and the first thought that enters my head goes "Lord, be my strength."

I read that in the first 3 months of pregnancy, though your body seems to be doing nothing (net-net, you're not running around or doing jumping jacks and all that) but really, the amount of effort it's expending at the moment--just so it could produce everything the little one needs, is almost like it's climbing a mountain. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the analogy seems appropriate. Really, because there are times when you could probably look me in the eye and tell me, "Sige nga, fall asleep." And I'll get to dreamland faster than you can count to 50; and you can do that at practically any time of the day.

I'm always hungry. But I don't know what to eat. Well, lately, anything that comes by me, I can munch down. (Although I'm hoping I'll be diligent enough to pack enough fruits in my lunch bag so I won't have to cheat with sweet treats.) And the over-sensitive sense of smell is just...just that. Over. The simplest smell could make me feel nauseous. I can't even put on my favorite lotion (well, any lotion for that matter) without feeling like reaching for the toilet bowl.

Sometimes even eating could be like lottery. You'll never know which ones will make you feel gassy the whole day, all the more nauseous, or hopefully (if you're a winner) won't bother you with a burp at all.

Oh the list of woes just seems to go on. I can almost feel the baby saying, "Mom..it's not really my fault, is it?"

And now I'm getting all teary-eyed (yes, another down-side, with mixed-up hormones that get my emotions on hyper-drive...I've been emotional before getting pregnant, that was the default mode, now imagine me high on progesterone; it's a chick-flick cry-fest.) But hormones aside, I'd still get teary-eyed at that thought.

And if I were to talk to my baby I'd tell him/her:
Cey: No, no it's not your fault.
Baby: Still, I'm sorry for making you feel all...crappy.
Cey: Aw, c'mon. It's not your fault.
Baby: If you knew it was gonna be this uncomfortable, would you still have wanted to...you know...
Cey: Don't you even dare ask that.
Baby: What.
Cey: Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't be so easy, I...I would've been afraid to get into this whole pregnancy thing...I would've thought about postponing it for a while...but then I'd think again (and of course with much consultation with your Tatay) just get on with it. (or to Marvin Gaye's joy, simply 'Get it on!')
Baby: Yeah right.
Cey: Cocky eh. Only a baby and already you've got some spunk.
Baby: I don't think that's me, that's you speaking in my voice.
Cey: Oh.
Baby: But, really? You mean that?
Cey: Let's put it this way. Remember last week? When we were pitching, and I had to stay up til 4am...and get back to the office by 730...and you didn't even give me a bit of a bother...anyway, that's beside the point. The pitch was about kids right? And...and I kept on thinking about you. And I saw you. I imagined you, looking at me, playing with me and your daddy/tatay. And you were smiling. And you're so happy. And I felt like a mom.
And I realized how excited I am to see you.
I'm so happy to have you.
And despite the fact that there are days when I can't help but wish that I'll feel better; or I just feel like I'm suddenly so old and drained. If that's what it would take to have you...
Baby: Then it's all worth it right? :)
Cey: I'm sorry, I can't think of a more profound way of saying it.
Baby: It's okay. That's more than enough.

Cey: One last thing, please help us pray that you be shielded from all the days' stress. We really want you to be a happy, healthy, normal wonderful baby boy/girl.
See you in 6 months and a week.
Baby: Ok, nanay.
Cey: Oh, and one more thing. I love you.