And the countdown begins.

To Rayray:


It's almost unbelievable.
How in a few weeks, I'll be seeing you.
Parang kailan lang ang bagets ko pa.
Tapos ngayon, I'll be having a baget (isang baget) of my own.
Wow.
Thinking about it makes me swallow hard.
Pa'no kaya ko as a mom?
Sana kayanin ko. Well, I shouldn't be thinking about that now, right?
Dapat lang kayanin ko.
What I meant to say was, sana kayanin kong maging mabuti...awesome nanay.
Your tatay and I both have great sets of parents. Oh, you'll love your lolos and lolas.
They're wonderful and they're all waiting for you.
They're simply overflowing with lots and lots and lots of love to give.
And I can't bear the thought of short-changing you.
You deserve to have wonderful parents too.
Sana talaga kaya namin ng tatay mo.

I'm sorry about last Saturday.
You shouldn't have heard me being on the verge of a meltdown.
I was just being a brat.
Probably overwhelmed with the thought of being on the brink of a major major change.

But please know that it comes from the fear of not being good enough for you.
I don't want to be an adequate parent. I want to be the best mom I could ever be for you. You know how afraid I am of failing...at anything.
All the more in this aspect.

Right now, I'm feeling you kick.
Parang gusto mo nang lumabas.
O may gusto ka bang sabihin?
O gutom na ba tayo?

There are so many things that go on through my head. That work actually offers solace.
But prayers give me the most peace.
So please pray for me. For your tatay and me--that we'll be as God-given to you, as you are to us.

I may not look enthusiastic now, but it's just the tiredness seeping out of my eyes. But believe me, I'm so excited to see you, to hug you, to kiss you, to talk to you, to listen to you coo, to watch you kick, and see you smile.

I'm so excited to read books to you, and listen to what you have to say. We're going to have so much fun. I'm going to teach you how to swim. Your tatay's going to teach you to play ball. We'll eat ice cream (but not too much), and cake (and drink lots of water after!) And hopefully, you'll love veggies too.

We'll watch Sesame Street together. Or you tell me what fun thing you want to do, and we'll do it! (hopefully, it doesn't involve skating downhill or anything that can break bones).
Euw. See, you're not even here yet and already I'm being...such a mommy!

But really, I want you to have so much fun. Seriously.
I want you to enjoy life as much as your tatay and I do. No...even much much more than we do! I pray you'll have great dreams and will never tire of reaching for them; and you'll always have a generous heart to share the fruits with others. And that you'll always live each day knowing how much you are loved.


Osya, I'm turning mushy again.

p.s.
sana kahit malaki ka na, you'll still hug me & tatay.

luv,
nanay