Right or Left?

How do you know when you're doing the right thing?
Whether it be with my job, being a mother, a wife...a daughter, friend, or whatever. Sometimes I wish supers would appear--like a giant red check mark if I'm doing something right and an x mark that starts off as a watermark and begins to darken in shade as I stray away from the right path all the more. Giving me just enough time to mend my ways in the process and get myself back to the red check position.

Sometimes, it just feels right. But when I realize that some people aren't feeling right because of what I did, I start having doubts.
To allay my worries I caress my ego with the thought, "You're not my God."

Whoever it is who may not be pleased with the things I say yes or no to.
I just think, "You're not my God."

Principles sometimes turn gray. And the path sometimes goes wayward towards heaven.
And it does become hard.

These days when decisions seem hard, I just have to remember it's not about pleasing some people; it's about knowing what needs to be done...

And because I'm not all too sure what it is, I say, "God, please point me towards the right direction. And please remember that I have eyesight bordering within 'legally blind' so please please make the signs neon obvious."
Because I want to choose right by you. After all, You are my God.

Some things best enjoyed with you.

Paging regi,paging regi.you're right, we should come back to baguio sometime soon. Sana andito kayo ni Rayray. It's the perfect place and the perfect weather for chillaxing.



https://www.dropbox.com/s/3rw079smdy9lu34/2013-04-23%2018.05.29.jpg

Mommylove.

Dear Rayray,

Whenever I see you (especially as I stare at you sleeping with your chubby cheeks resting on the pillow and your eyes looking all the more Shaolin), I can't help but think "How could we have been so lucky?"
True, there were times when I felt so exhausted and sleep deprived.
There are still some moments when I can't help but notice how much our lives have changed.
I do miss the late night-outs, trips I could go to on a whim, basically not having to worry about anyone else but myself. There are a lot of things, which honestly, had I known before having you, I probably would have had second thoughts on whether or not I could really take on motherhood.
Thank God nothing scared me too much to back out on being a parent. Because no matter how much poo or pee or back-breaking bends to carry 25lbs up around my waist for long stretches...See, right now I can't even think of anything bad enough to merit the thought of not having had you. Nothing could ever be worse than not being with you.

You are such a blessing.
When you hold my cheek in the morning as you say, "Nana, nana."
When you turn over and ride your dad's tummy as you say "Tata, tata!"
I still can't help but feel amazed at how fast you're growing.
And baduy as it may sound, I always have this overwhelming feeling--like my heart's about to explode because it just can't contain the amount of love I feel for you.
I just love you so much. Hugging you just feels like a burst of positive energy. All my worries, frustrations, or whatever sh**ty feeling just melts away.

I thank God for you. It's amazing seeing you cuddled in your Tatay's embrace...and in that moment, I realize how that portion of our bed suddenly contains my whole world.

Always remember that you are very much loved, Anak.

*hugs*
Nanay

My life theme for 2013: The power of gratitude.

For this year I would like to make each day an exercise of gratitude. Come to think of it, I always have a way of looking at the past with a longing feeling. Wishing it'll come back. But I know that when I was there it wasn't always that good and at times I'd wish that the minutes would go much faster than is physically possible just so I could make it to tomorrow.

What's gone seems better, looking back. It's easy to be sad, when you want to. For this year, I still would like to enjoy reminiscing about the good, the bad, what's should've been forgotten, or treasured. But I'd like to consciously, spend more time being thankful for the now.

God, thank you for everything. For the gift of family, friends, words, love, and a whole lot of things I can't put my finger on right now. Thank you, for thank you.

Off with the bad

With the frustrating events from the past few days, I showered this morning with the dismal thought 'Why must we make each other sad?'
Either by disappointing each other. By being abrasive. Or simply not caring.

And I thought, how sad to raise Rayray to such brazen display of...dispassion.
Or rather, how sad for him to be raised by a jaded mom.

And as I came to work, I got a cookie. Chocolate chip. Keebler. And already, I knew this day God's going to show-off.

A cookie, sometimes it's all I need to realize that maybe I'm just looking at all the wrong things. Maybe I'm taking for granted the nice ones. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

And as I let the day roll along, I got another surprise--a cute pair of blue caterpillar rubbery crocsy type of slippers a friend got for Rayray. She got them for him, for no reason at all.

Hah.

C'mon world, happify me. I'm ready.

(Thank you God.)

Thoughts that run around my head when I see Rayray:
1. You're growing up so fast--which is both a good thing and a not-so-good thing. Can't wait to hear you speak your thoughts; Not necessarily looking forward to you introducing me to your girlfriend. (Basta sana lovable sya.)
2. Of all the sleepless nights we've had, more than sulit.
3. I still get amazed when I think that you came from mommy's tummy.
4. Sana you'll always be malambing.
5. Ikaw, ano kayang iniisip mo when you look at me and your tatay?
6. I pray you'll always be a happy person.
7. I hope you'll always remember all those stuff we pray for every night.

:)

Dear Ceycey from 8 months ago.

If I were to meet myself 8 months ago, these are the things I'd tell her:

1. Quit worrying about the breastmilk. Believe me, it'll last.

2. Rayray loves you, even when he cries; even when it takes you a bit longer than the average mom to find out why. He loves you still.

3. Don't compare yourself to those other moms. They probably look like they're having it easy--maybe it's true, or they could be faking it. Each mom to herself. (At least when it comes to mothering styles.)

4. Yes, yes, that's right, show your mom how much you appreciate her; especially now that you've got a preview of how truly hard it is.

5. Oh c'mon, don't be too hard on Regi. Yeah, yeah, he may not get motherhood as well as you can (duh, do guys have a uterus?) but believe me, even when he looks like he doesn't care much...he does, he SO does. He just has to keep his cool and can't be as emotional as you are, because you'll go nuclear if you're both on a drama high.

6. Get some sunshine!!! Those messed-up hormones are all the more gonna get messed up if you don't get your much needed vitamin D! (and fresh air, and a dose of reality, and a wake-up call that YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THIS WORLD WHO'S GOT ISSUES.)

7. It may be hard getting to do simple things like peeing, p**ing, taking a bath, even getting off the bed, but believe me, it's gonna get better much faster than you think. Cherish these moments, because in times when you think there ain't much happening in your life, the mere fact that you get to do all those bathroom duties in a jiffy (flashback to these days) will already make you feel genuinely blessed.

8. You're a mom. Nanay ka na! BASK IN THAT FACT as much as you can. Daydream about Rayray's graduation speech, think of how he'll celebrate his first birthday, his 7th...how he'll introduce the girl (erk.) wait, not too far; anyway, enjoy mommyhood and embrace the fact that there will always be tons of things for you to worry about 'Was that a wheeze I heard?' What's that I felt on his nape...a lump?! Why is pee too yellow? Is his bumbum irritated? Is he getting enough milk? Gassy? Fussy? Will I get to sleep tonight??!?!

And that's just for today.

But no matter how many reasons your mind can concoct just so your could wallow in worries over reasons imagined or real, the fact remains that this miracle of life you call Rayray got to this world oh-so-beautifully with (yes, a bit...well a lot of) worrying and care from your end, but for the most part, it's by God's grace that he came into your life.

So quit worrying too much. Sayang ang energy. Make a conscious effort to enjoy every moment you have with him. No, it's not because he's gonna grow up fast (although to some extent, that is true), but simply because Rayray wants you to be happy too. He wants you to be a happy nanay. And not think that just because he came into your life your spontaneity and youthful ardor for things both mature and mundane should be shelved.

He wants you to be happy for him, and with him.

9. When he's too fussy, sometimes he's just gassy. Manzanilla! (on your palm first, then rub your palms on his tummy, coccyx, and his feet.

10. Don't cry when you have to give him some formula. Mixed feeding doesn't make you an evil mom. It won't make him less of what he should be. And most of all, it's NOT going to make your milk stop.

11. There will be times when you just want to cry--hormones, fatigue, or what have you. Go ahead. But make a conscious effort to remember the first time you heard his heartbeat and the doc confirmed that 'yep, you're gonna have a baby'. And you'll know, it has, and always will be...more than worth it.

:)
Cey

The Post Post Partum (D) Post

After x number of months, I'm finally back.

Was putting off writing because I was thinking of starting off with the Post-Post-Partum (D) Post. But I don't think I'm that rrrready to get back to the dark ages. Not just yet.

Would rather look at the bright side, and enjoy lucid thoughts on motherhood.

Sometimes there are days when I think that the bad hormones are still in my system; or the drama queen in me just found yet another reason to unabashedly wallow in self-pity. Mommy guilt. "Am I doing this right?"
"Am I being a good mother?"
"Will this make him the best that he could be? or Will it set him back?"

Praninger-Z. If I were to acknowledge all the questions ringing in my head, I guess I'll never be a happy mom.

For now, the best trick I've learned is holding on to the mantra:
Being a momma's an act of faith. Thank God for God.

Because the truth is, no matter what the books, experts, moms, grandmoms, in-laws or the best-ever-mother-awardee would say the best way to be a mom is--what they say is best may not be what's best for me. Because no two moms are the same.
There is no cut & dried, tried and tested, guaranteed way to do this perfectly.

In times when Rayray cries and I can't seem to figure out what to do, I imagine myself laying my head on Mama Mary's lap. And there I find my rest; and 15-second respite from the heartbreaking, indecipherable waaahs. Sometimes I get to make him stop, sometimes he still cries. But there is comfort in knowing that God won't let me be a nanay if I couldn't be a loving one to Rayray.

As my friend Ina said, "...what matters most is that your baby knows you love him/her."

Hay Rayray, there may be times when Nanay can't seem to figure out what you want.
When Nanay can't come home early.
When Nanay can't amuse you longer.
When Nanay can't give you the best types of unprocessed food.
When Nanay can't give you more breastmilk that she can...
When...

The list could go on for as long as the guilt-trip can find the inroads I've created in my head--

But remember, Rayray, that I try, and will try really hard to be the best nanay I can be for you. And I want to be happy doing it. Because this guilt-trip's not meant to be a joyride for two.

So I'm parking the guilt. And basking in the thought that I finally get what they say about babies taking away all your tiredness with one hug.
(Because I used to think "Wha?! I'm still one tired momma.")

And the inexplicable joy I get just watching you sleep.
Wow. I've truly been mommified.

Luv,
Nanay

Ilang araw na lang.

Rayray:


Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na pag malapit na lumabas...maa-atat ka ng todo.
Naiinip na ko sa kakaintay.
Pero a part of me is telling me, "Ay naku, sulitin mo na ang tulog mo hangga't pwede pa."
Pero may mas malaking parte na nagsasabi na, "Game na. Tara na! Kitakits na tayo Rayray!"

Kung makita mo sana ang langit ngayon, sana wag kang malulungkot kagaya ng nanay mong parang napapasimangot pag walang araw.
Baduy man, pero alam mo kung ba't ka Rayray? (Bukod sa due date mo ay feast day ni St. Raymund Nonato...at anak ka nila Regi at Ceycey--)
Kasi alam ng nanay mo na kahit ano pa man ang kundisyon ng panahon,
gaano man ka-pangit at ka-gloomy ng langit,
You'll always be their ray of sunshine.

O, wag kang ma-pressure.
Feeling ko naman di mo kailangang umeffort to be one.
Gaya ng sabi ng kanta, "I love you just the way you are."
So, kahit tulugan mo pa ko ng ilang oras. Puyatin mo ko ng ilang gabi.
Iyakan mo ko.
Pass gass any way you want to.
Or just look at me for a few minutes only to doze off again.
I know that having you will only give us way more reasons to be feeling all sunny and cheery each waking moment. Kahit ano pa man ang lagay ng panahon.

I can't wait to hear your first coos. Your first laugh.
Your first word. Nanay kaya o Tatay?
Pag labas mo, nood tayo ng Sesame Street. Sana mas gusto mo yun kesa kay Barney.
Swimming tayo.
Bulagain natin Tatay mo sa umaga.
Tambay tayo sa Powerbooks, tapos basa tayo ng mga libro.
Then you can pick your favorites tas bilhin natin para pwede mong ulit-ulitin.
Punta tayo sa mga Lolos and Lolas mo.
Magaling ka kaya kumanta o sumayaw? Ano kaya ang pang-aliw mo sa kanila?

Teka, ang advanced go na ata mag-isip.
Basta for now, sana oks ka dyan sa loob.
Sa Sabado, tatanungin ko na si Doc kung pwede na maglakad-lakad.
Para next week, sana sumakto sa Aug 31...
magkita na tayo.

Tara?

Love you.

p.s.
Sabayan mo kami ni Tatay sa pagp-pray that everything goes well ha :) See you!

Nanay

And the countdown begins.

To Rayray:


It's almost unbelievable.
How in a few weeks, I'll be seeing you.
Parang kailan lang ang bagets ko pa.
Tapos ngayon, I'll be having a baget (isang baget) of my own.
Wow.
Thinking about it makes me swallow hard.
Pa'no kaya ko as a mom?
Sana kayanin ko. Well, I shouldn't be thinking about that now, right?
Dapat lang kayanin ko.
What I meant to say was, sana kayanin kong maging mabuti...awesome nanay.
Your tatay and I both have great sets of parents. Oh, you'll love your lolos and lolas.
They're wonderful and they're all waiting for you.
They're simply overflowing with lots and lots and lots of love to give.
And I can't bear the thought of short-changing you.
You deserve to have wonderful parents too.
Sana talaga kaya namin ng tatay mo.

I'm sorry about last Saturday.
You shouldn't have heard me being on the verge of a meltdown.
I was just being a brat.
Probably overwhelmed with the thought of being on the brink of a major major change.

But please know that it comes from the fear of not being good enough for you.
I don't want to be an adequate parent. I want to be the best mom I could ever be for you. You know how afraid I am of failing...at anything.
All the more in this aspect.

Right now, I'm feeling you kick.
Parang gusto mo nang lumabas.
O may gusto ka bang sabihin?
O gutom na ba tayo?

There are so many things that go on through my head. That work actually offers solace.
But prayers give me the most peace.
So please pray for me. For your tatay and me--that we'll be as God-given to you, as you are to us.

I may not look enthusiastic now, but it's just the tiredness seeping out of my eyes. But believe me, I'm so excited to see you, to hug you, to kiss you, to talk to you, to listen to you coo, to watch you kick, and see you smile.

I'm so excited to read books to you, and listen to what you have to say. We're going to have so much fun. I'm going to teach you how to swim. Your tatay's going to teach you to play ball. We'll eat ice cream (but not too much), and cake (and drink lots of water after!) And hopefully, you'll love veggies too.

We'll watch Sesame Street together. Or you tell me what fun thing you want to do, and we'll do it! (hopefully, it doesn't involve skating downhill or anything that can break bones).
Euw. See, you're not even here yet and already I'm being...such a mommy!

But really, I want you to have so much fun. Seriously.
I want you to enjoy life as much as your tatay and I do. No...even much much more than we do! I pray you'll have great dreams and will never tire of reaching for them; and you'll always have a generous heart to share the fruits with others. And that you'll always live each day knowing how much you are loved.


Osya, I'm turning mushy again.

p.s.
sana kahit malaki ka na, you'll still hug me & tatay.

luv,
nanay

From Rayray To Nanay

Dear Nanay,

Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm excited to see you and tatay too. I know there are so many things going on in your head right now. They say it's normal for moms, especially for first-timers to be praning and all that. But I just want you to know that you're doing good. I'm having fun here. I'm growing well. And I'm grateful for everything you and tatay and all my lolos and lolas and titos and titas and cousins and friends and everyone's been doing for me. Thanks for praying for me.

Please don't stress over me too much. I worry about you too, you know that? So, why not let's make a pact. I'll stop worrying about you, and you stop worrying about me! Not to say that we won't care about each other anymore, it's just that...I want you to enjoy this too. I'll be out in a month. You've been through this for 8 months now, you can do it Nanay. I'll be cheering you on (from the inside!) when it's finally time for me to come out.

So...don't worry okay? I'm praying for you and tatay too. (And for all of our loved ones, friends, and everyone else you pray for every day).

It's okay for you to get hormonal from time to time. I know it's hard to be away from the sweets and the sushi and all other things nice. But as you say...it's all gonna be worth it. We're gonna have so much fun when I finally come out. Don't worry about the sleepless nights. You'll be having sweet dreams even 'til you wake up.

I can't wait to see you too Nanay.

And when I get the hiccups...I'm not just doing practice breathing; I'm telling you I love you.

:))
Rayray

To my Playmate,

Sabi ng iba, pag sumisipa ka daw, kantahan kita para tumigil ka sa pagsipa.
Sabi ko, baka lalo kang mapa-sipa pag kumanta ko.

But really, I don't care how much you kick throughout the day. I enjoy every hiccup every kick, or fist bump you make. May tao na talaga sa loob. Ang galing!

As you may have heard, Nanay had to STOP (not even cut down?!) eating processed sweets. So goodbye dark chocolate macadamia cookie, goodbye alfajor, goodbye butterscotch fudge bar, goodbye Snickers Peanut Butter Bar...chocolate decadent cheesecake, fudgey-wudgey brownies...oh how my heart aches at the thought of saying goodbye.

No, I don't have diabetes. Doc's just taking the necessary precautions--and for some reason, I suspect, may have a connection with the office's CCTV cams...how else could she have known?! (uy, pero 'in moderation' lang naman, anak.)

Weniwei. The list of all the wonderfully sweet stuff on top of salmon sushi and other featured products on my food porn files that I've had to say sayonara to may cause my heart to ache a teensy-weensy bit...pero anak, hello no, we both know it's all going to be worth it :)

Yeah, kahit alam kong pag labas mo di ko pa rin sila kaagad makakain lahat dahil we're hoping to b***stfeed you for as long as I could, but just the thought of seeing you all healthy and happy makes me want to say, kahit hangin na lang ang kainin ko okay lang. (basta chocolate flavored man lang sana? joke lang.)

Magse-seven months ka na. We're so excited to see you in a few months' time. Sana September, pag-pray mo kayanin ni nanay at tatay ang lamaze.

We love you. We're always praying for you. And we feel so amazingly blessed to have you.

Fist bump,
Nanay

You kicked!

Last night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep...you kicked! For the first time you kicked! I wanted to wake your Tatay up, but I knew he was tired (and what use would it be for him to put his hand on my tummy when it was highly probable that we'd have to wait for a few more hours 'til you made your presence felt again.)

But thank you for that brief moment of 'Hello.' I'm so, so, sooooooo excited to see you in a few months. Your Ate Marty and Kuya Sky can't wait to see their newest pinsan.

And yes...I'm trying to lay off the sweets...konti lang, promise.

See you Sat! Hopefully we'll know then whether to call you Baby-baby girl or Baby-baby boy.

We love you. Welcome to the world in 4 months!

Luv,
Nanay

Dinner at the Stock Market (high dividends!)

For the past few Saturdays, I've been hibernating.
Mostly because I didn't have the energy to go out, just got off being sick, or just had to recharge from a tiring week.

I have been on econo-mode. I thought that the best way to conserve my energy was just to stay on the couch and be as close as possible to the bedroom for when the pillows beckon.

But tonight, I finally got to join the girls' monthly kitakits with sila Seiji. I'm not the type to blog, "Just came from dinner with the girls..." Oh but here I am, doing so. Lest I forget the feeling of coming home on a Saturday night, not feeling enervated nor feeling all the more bad when I realize I did absolutely nothing but 'recharge' or 'hibernate' to no avail.

I got it all mixed up. Apparently, pulling my ass off the couch and meeting up with good ol' friends is one of the best ways to really recharge. To hear the laughter that used to echo on the high school walls, to hear about stories about little brothers and sisters (who are now about to graduate from college?!!) At one point I felt old, but for the most part, I just felt...happy.

Happy to be in the company of people whom you knew saw you at your happiest, knew you at some of your crummiest moments, shared the totoy/nene days with you, didn't care how you looked, shared your dreams and corny jokes with. People who were part of those years you know you'll never ever forget--and you'll never tire of reminiscin' about.

And even when you talk about similar woes about long work-hours, adult issues and stuff, for the most part you just spend the evening enjoying the good food, relishing the stories, and basking in the same heart-thumping, pasta-peeping (as in teeth pasta!), syncopated laughter, that brings you back to the walls of St. Paul.

Time travel at its finest.
Energy level: high.

p.s.
Baby-baby says: See mom, choose happy :).
Ok, time for bed. Love you.

Again God, thanks for great family, great friends, and energy to enjoy them all. And thanks Regi for you-know-what.
:))

Baby, baby, baby oh.

There are mornings when I wake up and the first thought that enters my head goes "Lord, be my strength."

I read that in the first 3 months of pregnancy, though your body seems to be doing nothing (net-net, you're not running around or doing jumping jacks and all that) but really, the amount of effort it's expending at the moment--just so it could produce everything the little one needs, is almost like it's climbing a mountain. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the analogy seems appropriate. Really, because there are times when you could probably look me in the eye and tell me, "Sige nga, fall asleep." And I'll get to dreamland faster than you can count to 50; and you can do that at practically any time of the day.

I'm always hungry. But I don't know what to eat. Well, lately, anything that comes by me, I can munch down. (Although I'm hoping I'll be diligent enough to pack enough fruits in my lunch bag so I won't have to cheat with sweet treats.) And the over-sensitive sense of smell is just...just that. Over. The simplest smell could make me feel nauseous. I can't even put on my favorite lotion (well, any lotion for that matter) without feeling like reaching for the toilet bowl.

Sometimes even eating could be like lottery. You'll never know which ones will make you feel gassy the whole day, all the more nauseous, or hopefully (if you're a winner) won't bother you with a burp at all.

Oh the list of woes just seems to go on. I can almost feel the baby saying, "Mom..it's not really my fault, is it?"

And now I'm getting all teary-eyed (yes, another down-side, with mixed-up hormones that get my emotions on hyper-drive...I've been emotional before getting pregnant, that was the default mode, now imagine me high on progesterone; it's a chick-flick cry-fest.) But hormones aside, I'd still get teary-eyed at that thought.

And if I were to talk to my baby I'd tell him/her:
Cey: No, no it's not your fault.
Baby: Still, I'm sorry for making you feel all...crappy.
Cey: Aw, c'mon. It's not your fault.
Baby: If you knew it was gonna be this uncomfortable, would you still have wanted to...you know...
Cey: Don't you even dare ask that.
Baby: What.
Cey: Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't be so easy, I...I would've been afraid to get into this whole pregnancy thing...I would've thought about postponing it for a while...but then I'd think again (and of course with much consultation with your Tatay) just get on with it. (or to Marvin Gaye's joy, simply 'Get it on!')
Baby: Yeah right.
Cey: Cocky eh. Only a baby and already you've got some spunk.
Baby: I don't think that's me, that's you speaking in my voice.
Cey: Oh.
Baby: But, really? You mean that?
Cey: Let's put it this way. Remember last week? When we were pitching, and I had to stay up til 4am...and get back to the office by 730...and you didn't even give me a bit of a bother...anyway, that's beside the point. The pitch was about kids right? And...and I kept on thinking about you. And I saw you. I imagined you, looking at me, playing with me and your daddy/tatay. And you were smiling. And you're so happy. And I felt like a mom.
And I realized how excited I am to see you.
I'm so happy to have you.
And despite the fact that there are days when I can't help but wish that I'll feel better; or I just feel like I'm suddenly so old and drained. If that's what it would take to have you...
Baby: Then it's all worth it right? :)
Cey: I'm sorry, I can't think of a more profound way of saying it.
Baby: It's okay. That's more than enough.

Cey: One last thing, please help us pray that you be shielded from all the days' stress. We really want you to be a happy, healthy, normal wonderful baby boy/girl.
See you in 6 months and a week.
Baby: Ok, nanay.
Cey: Oh, and one more thing. I love you.

Things to be thankful on a Thursday

1. Sipon-less breathing (pardon the graphic detail, but it feels great!)
2. Quaker Oats Cookies
3. Energy!
4. Counting down to August 31 :)
5. Counting down til the end of the first trimester!!! (goodbye sluggish self!)
6. Sesame Street
7. Kermitty Frog Notebook
8. Traffic moving along EDSA
9. Bubblegum scented elevators
10. Appetite
11. Appetite for life
12. Moms :)
13. Sky passing the entrance exam!!
14. Sleep
15. The ability to get back to sleep
16. 5 minutes before being late.
17. Exciting creative briefs
18. Thinking about eating cheese omelettes and not wanting to throw up
19. Suha
20. Buko Juice
21. Cravings and knowing where and how to get 'em
22. Bo's Feasts at the PICC
23. Regi
25. Bigggg support system
26. A loving family
27. Thoughts of Kayla, Simba and Kali...and the other dogs in Arayat
28. Imagination.
29. Looking forward to a happy, healthy, normal, absolutely wonderful Baby Boy/Girl :)
30. lurve.

In a few months, hello.

Ever the planner, I hate uncertainties.
Who doesn't?
But every morning, I tell God, "Lord, I lift up to you all of my worries. And I thank you for this wonderful blessing."

Last night was the first night I slept without waking up at an ungodly hour contemplating on whether to go to the bathroom to pee, throw up or do nothing.

I told my mom, I have a renewed appreciation for mothers, now having a preview of what they had to go through just to...just to...cross-over and be somebody who used to have to worry about herself, to putting someone so tiny before her own needs.

In a few days, we'll see each other. But you'll be on an ultrasound screen, as babycenter.com said, you'll probably be the size of a lentil; but your Tatay and I will already get to hear your heartbeat.

I thought I'm not the mushy-mommy type, but just thinking about seeing you on Thursday gets me all teary-eyed. Baduy, I know. But I can't imagine how overwhelming seeing you in approximately 8 months will be.

Yes, I have fears. I dare not speak of them. That's why I've offered them all to Him who knows what's best for you, and me and your Tatay (who still can't decide if he'll be papa/daddy/tatay). But please don't feel bad that nanay's afraid. I'm just trying to adjust from being a selfish individual to a would-be mom. Bear with me, please?

And though it may not be too obvious at this point, as my consciousness usually travels between work and fending-off the gassy/acidic/sleepy/can't-quite-figure-out-what-to-eat feelings, please know that I love you. I haven't even met you yet, but I know I love you.


p.s.
"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away... :)"

Luv,
Nanay

The wonders of no TV

Miracle of miracles. I got home before 6pm. Finally got around to fixing the tons of junk in my humongous office bag, talked with Gela on the phone over what’s supposed to be a teeny issue, but was something irritating enough for me, I had to vent on her (even when I knew how busy she still was; thank God for friends!), had dinner with Chawie at home and talked the night (well not the whole night) away…catching up on what we’ve missed, reminiscin’ about the good ol days, asking each other about work about loves, about anything and everything there was to talk about while we both had this precious time.

Chawie left, and I picked up the phone to call my mom and ask her how her day went. What she was doing...what she was watching...I was talking too much, she had to say goodnight first.

And as I stared at the blank wall where the TV soon will be, I felt tempted to keep it bare. The TV addict in me protests. But even she knows that this night would not have been as productive, real, and wonderfully filled with moments of old-fashioned entertainment and connections had that magical box teeming with cooking shows, movies and cartoons been here.

Sometimes it’s just nice to switch off. Other times, its even way better to not have the choice to look out at the tens of channels that give you vivid pictures of the outdoors and stories that make you fly to faraway places, or just sheer mind-numbing bleh-—because time suddenly expands and embraces everything that has always been so near yet has oft-been deprived of the proper attention. It feels good to know that tonight, because my eyes weren't glued to the screen (TV or computer!) I didn't miss a thing on life's awesome show.

Happy Friday nga naman.

16 days to go

Panic has a way of making my back ache.
16 days to go and it's easy to get lost in the details and forget the fact that all these time-consuming, mind-boggling, focus shattering preparations are meant for something far more...beautiful, exciting, exhilarating...wonderfully life-changing. There's comfort in the thought that everything will be alright. I've been praying for this day. He knows what's in my heart and knows what's best for me...starting October 2--for me & the man I'm going to be spending forever with.

There's nothing left to do, but enjoy the ride.

sunny-side up

Someday i wish to learn how to cook. More like, I have to learn how to cook, because some of the greatest things in life don't always come ready to be taken in. They have to be chopped to be understood, put on the heat to be tested, and mixed together just so they'll be fun to have, oh, and seasoned to taste.

Seasoned...the way seasons can never truly be measured or commanded with certainty. But the right taste, just happens.

Things I am grateful for today:
1. Night out with Regi
2. Twilight (yes I know I should be too old for those teenybopper stuff, but there's no denying how this mind-numbing entertainment simply is...fun)
3. lovely family
4. saturday!
5. good tatau and wadub
6. honesty
7. tears that stop
8. doors waiting to be opened
9. clarity
10. friends
11. understanding minds
12. surprise babaw kilig moments
13. listerine
14. my baby picture staring at me as i write this
15. the prospect of a good night's sleep
16. the dream where i was driving a red top-down porsche...which wasn't mine, a friend just made me drive it so I could...I dunno, forgot why (but even in my dreams, I knew I had to be practical!)
17. retainers