Bora bora. Bang bang bang.

Came home from sunny Boracay. And all the while I kept thinking about when to come back. Ayaw ko nang umalis sa Boracay. Sana may Leo Burnett Bora. Kung wala, sa totoo lang, pwede na kong mabuhay sa pagw-waitress dun. Tas titira ko sa fan room. O kaya, ...pwede kong magtayo ng mini-Recto stall. Magbebenta ko ng term papers sa mga bagets na nag-aaral dun na tinatamad magsulat. Mamumuhay ako sa chori burger. Pwede rin akong maging bugaw ng paraw o kaya banana boat. O kaya tindera ng aliw. Hindi yung bawal type ha. Yung makikipag-joketime ka lang sa kung sino mang malongkot at kaelangan ng kaosap. Pero malungkot ata magpabayad para sa ganung klaseng serbisyo, so erase erase na lang.

Haaaysarap. Kaso mamimiss ko ang maraming tao sa maynila. Tapos di naman ako makakapamuhay sa tubig-alat at buhangin lang. Pa'no na pag andun ako tas pasukin ang utak ko ng kung ano-ano pang pangarap na di ko naman pwedeng makuha nang walang kapera-pera...in other words, di kayang tustusan ng pagwe-waitress ko. E ano pa bang papangarapin ko kung nasa boracay na ko? Kung araw-araw parang panaginip lang. May makikita kang konting storm clouds, na biglang nawawala at napapalitan ng ibang klaseng sikat ng araw. Tas masaya ka lang. Masaya.

Baka kasi gusto ko lang maging bum. Hrrrmmm....bum. Ang sarap nun o. Hihilata ka sa buhangin, pupunta sa tubig pag naiinitan na. Palutang-lutang. Maglalaro ng mala-polvoron na buhangin sa kamay at paa. Magmumuni-muni tungkol sa kung ano-ano. Babalik sa buhangin pag nilamig nang konti. Pag nagutom kakain ng isaw o chori burger. O kaya chichibog sa smoke. Tatambay pag happy hour sa may del mar; o kaya sa gabi iinom ng strawberry shake. Sasayaw pag may tugtog. Matutulog pag pagod. Nang walang iniisip kung may client meeting ba o deadline bukas. Kung may patutunguhan ba yung ganitong klaseng pamumuhay. Kasi masaya lang, masaya. At alam mong pag tinignan mo ang magic wallet mo, bigla lang itong tinutubuan ng pera. Para bukas, tuloy-tuloy lang ang ligaya.

Sabay kakanta si Bob Marley.

Simple Pleasures

Ang sarap.
Yung tipong napapatingala na ko sa langit,
minsan napapapikit,
napapanganga pa nga't
muntik tumulo ang laway.
"Aaah...aa-aahhhhh..hmmmmm"
With matching kinikilabutan ng kaunti.
May tingling sensation crawling down my spine
(much like that feeling when you have your hair
shampooed at the salon...hrmmmm...)

Yan. Yan ang pakiramdam habang unti-unting tinutuklap nila Ria at Milette ang langib mula sa likuran ko. Produkto ng ka-shongahan dahil di naglagay ng sunblock sabay nagbilad sa arawan nang mahigit 5 oras siguro.

Basta. Masarrrrap.
Malamang makakatulog na ko nang mahimbing ngayong gabi.
Di na pabale-balentong dahil di maintindihan kung paano ba dapat ilapat ang makating likod sa kama. Kasi ganito yun...para kang may bungang araw na bawal mong kamutin o ikiskis man lang sa poste. Pwede mo lang palu-paluin para wag masyado mangati. Pero yun lang. Aaargh. At ang init pa ng likod ko.

Bukas, hinog na ang balikat ko't lower back. Yun naman ang sunod na tutuklapin. Hrrrrmmmm.

Dragging my feet

Lately, ang bagal kong gumalaw. Mas matagal akong bumangon mula sa kama. Mas mabagal akong maligo. Mas mabagal din ata ako maglakad papunta sa office. Siguro kasi mainit. Sa sobrang bilis kong magpawis, kailangan, mabagal lang ako kumilos, kundi jajabarin na ko. Pero ang mas rason, tinatamad ata ako.

Ever since grade five, when Ms. De Guzman taught us how to get ourselves excited for the next day, I've always made an effort to find something worth looking forward to tomorrow--no matter how small it may be. Well, not always, kasi minsan, parang di naman kailangan kasi parang ok lang umalis sa kama at ituloy na ang araw sa opisina. Pero ngayon, well, parang kailangang umeffort.

Anyway, I've been meaning to meet up with Maui kasi birthday nya bukas. Pero dahil ayokong makisabay sa mga ibang babati sa kanya, I chose to surprise her today. Akala ko this would be just another morning, pero habang sinusulatan ko yung tissue kasama ng Banoffee pie na dadalhin ko kay Maui, parang nag-iiba yung pakiramdam ko. And so I walked over to Maui's building.

Manong Guard: Sino po'ng kailangan nila?
cey: Si Maui po.
MG: Sino po sila.
cey: Pakisabi po si Bogart.

At paglabas ni Maui, inabot ko ang pie sa kanya, hinug ko sya, at binati ng happy birthday bukas. Tapos I saw her smile. And it was wonderful. We were so happy. Nagkwentuhan kaming sandali. There were a lot of catching-up to do, pero dahil hiram lang ang oras, kinailangan naming magbabay kagad. Pero ang weird...how a simple change in my usual morning route could brighten up the day. When I'm with my closest friends I always feel recharged. Game na game ako sa life. Parang magic.

Eto'ng weird thing sa'kin e...masyadong mabilis ang karma. Kaya nakakatakot mang-ga** ng ibang tao kasi alam kong mabilis ang kabig sa'kin. Pero this morning, I set out to brighten up Maui's day, and I went back to the office with a lot more sunshine than I deserved. And I went on my way dragging my feet no more.

Maui kept on thanking me for the pie. Come to think of it, I ought to be thanking her more. Happy birthday to one of the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful people I know. :)

It's a happy day.


Song for the day habang papasok ng office: Cool Change.

If I were to be something else right at this moment

I'd choose to be my pillow. Not a Ms. Universe answer, no profound reasons behind it whatsoever, wala lang. Para hanggang ngayon, andun lang ako nakahilata sa kama ko. Tamad? Hindi naman, baka antok lang. Nakahilata, natutulog, o nagd-daydream ng kung ano-ano. Sarap.

Pero dahil malamang mainit na ng ganitong oras, I'd choose to be something else. Siguro, yun namang unan sa sala. Para pwede 'kong manood ng tv, uumpisahan ko na yung napirata kong Friends dvd's. Kaso, kung unan ako, wala akong kamay. Di ko mabubuksan yung tv. Pati, wala akong mata o tenga, di ko rin mae-enjoy yung pinapanood ko.

Bale...I'd wish to be something else uli? Balik na lang ako dun sa unan sa kwarto ko, mas di kumplikado.

300. 300!

Di ko naman gustong panoorin ang 300. We've been watching the trailers from Marky's computer since last year, para lang i-showcase ang ka-astigan ng speakers nya. Pero, yun na. Parang ang dating lang sa'kin nun: A, ganda ng visuals, mukhang violent. Intayin ko na lang sa DVD. Ok lang kahit di ko mapanood.

But no! Last Saturday, Regi and I watched 300...at hanggang ngayon, bumibilis pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko tuwing naalala ko yung mga scenes sa pelikula.

Ok, fine...magpapakalalim ako kunwari: It's a great film about passion, love for country, faith in the people you lead/ in your leader...uhmm...and a whole lot more.

Di ko na ma-take. I'll leave it to the reaction-paper makers to flesh out the profound meanings of this movie. But for now, magpapakababaw ako. Mygazzzz, those abs were amazing! Ok, sabihin na nating computer-generated ang VFX, pero when I saw the outtakes on youtube and caught a glimpse of the oh-so-real abdominal muscles of those men. Shoke, mula babae, naging lalake ako't (namangha sa galing nilang mag-work-out), tapos nabakla nang Over--sa ganda ng katawan nila!

Ibang klase lang si God mag-create. Kaya pala ng tunay na tao maging ganun ka-amazing ang itsura. I never thought I could stare at men wearing trunks for almost two hours! Sa Bora kasi pag nakasalubong ka ng grown man wearing trunks, parang ikaw pa ang mahihiya para sa kanya...With matching thought-balloon na ,"Sir, iyo na lang ang sarong ko, umuwi ka muna ng hotel room mo't magshorts ka para mo nang awa." Pero ito, grabe, parang kahit maglakad sila sa Ayala nang ganun lang ang suot, di ako maasiwa...well, malamang mapapatitig nang matagal. Tapos sasabihin ko sa sarili kong, "Easy ka lang, wag kang gagalaw, baka magising ka."

Wala, kasi nakakatuwa lang. Parang pang-hero na katawan, pero totoong tao!

Richard asked me how my weekend went, sabi ko ayus naman, watched 300--he should watch it too ang sabi ko. Sabi nya, "Some people said it's too violent" Sabi ko, oks lang kasi mukhang pang-comics(graphic novel pala dapat) ang treatment, kaya di ka naman mago-gross out. Sabay hirit, "And those abs were just amazing!"
...medyo may pause...
Richard: Uhm, so is there something that men can appreciate in that film?
Cey: ...
Richard: ... I meant real men.
Cey:...
Cey:...Uhm, they had good lines. Well some were good in a Hollywood kind of way, but some lines were really nice.

Panis, di ko man lang nasabi na astig yung fight scenes, galing ng interaction ng mga actors sa isa't isa (parang gusto mong maki-comrade sa kanila...although kung andun ako baka iba ang intensyon ko sa pag-akbay sa kanila. joke lang regi), maganda yung shots, basta magaling, magaling. And to think na ang bata lang ng direktor!

Pero wala akong nasabi kasi puno pa ang utak ko ng abs. Abs, abs, na kay tigas parang kaya nilang tumayo ng kusa. Di ko akalaing pwede palang magka-8 pack! Talo pa ang beer.

Inspiring film nga naman. Not only because of the 'virtues' or beliefs the movie so oh-so-passionately portrayed--na tipong after watching the movie maiisip mo, walang imposible! Kaya natin 'to! Basta steadfast ka sa iyong paniniwala't prinsipyo, hindi ka mabibigo (kahit pa-ulanan ka pa ng pana ng kalaban at mamatay ka pa) Wag nilang ismolin ang Pilipinas...sama-sama, uusad tayo't magwawagi. (well, di ko naman naisip yun, pero siguro kung gumagawa ako ng HS reaction paper isusulat ko yun) Pero I'm sorry kung ang babaw, unang thought as I got up my chair: Hanep, kaka-inspire mag-work out.


***well, yung susunod na thoughts mala--ang saya siguro ng ni Frank Miller, ni Zach the direktor, mga artista, everyone part of the prod team, to have made something so great. Sana ako rin balang araw makagawa ng ganun. Di naman pelikula, pero basta something sa life. (ayun, at magakaron ng machong katawan.)

Nagkita kami ni Ligaya.

Wooooohoooooooo!!!!
Yun lang. Sabi ni lilit, bakit daw ang lungkot ng laman ng blog ko. Hmmm, may punto. Kasi nga naman, pag malungkot ako, mas masarap tumalungko na lang sa upuan, magmuni-muni at kausapin ang sarili ko't mag-blog, kesa ang hawaan pa ng ka-bad tripan ko ang ibang tao.

Pero ngayon, para hinding-hindi ko ito makalimutan isusulat ko na...woooohooooo! Just came from a meeting at nakarinig ako ng matatamis na salita. (Kasing-tamis ng Sticky strawberries & cream traditional handmade candies galing kay Dax.)

"I liked it, I really really liked it." Ika nga ng dalawang kliyente.

Not one, but two. Jackpot!

Woooohoooooo!!!! Kahit na ang simple lang naman nung ginawa namin. Basta, masarap masarap marinig. Wala na kong masabi. Ika nga ni Homer Simpson, (one more time! kamon kamon) Wooooohooooooo!!!!!!

*mental note: tawagan si Francis, ang CSR ng SCB na sinungitan last week. pasalamatan sya sa kagalingan nyang mag-handle ng isang mainit na ulong tinubuan ng tao at nagtatatalak dahil nalabuan sa credit card statement. sabi mo gagawin mo last week, wag mong kalimutan. pay it forward.

On a Marchy Tuesday, 6 years ago.

What was I doing then?
Probably counting the minutes 'til dismissal. Tapos direcho na ng ICTUS Tambayan. Yung ganitong klaseng sikat ng araw, bandang hapon, can't help but reminisce about the good 'ol college days. Walang pasok bukas, kaya pwedeng tumambay nang todo. Baka pupunta ng SC para magtapsilog sa Rodic's. Merienda pa lang yun. O kaya, pupunta sa coop para mag'grocery' ng biskwit na Smiley na pwedeng i-stock sa sasakyan--para dun sa mga panahon na bigla akong ginugutom habang nasa daan (o kaya mas trip 'tong ibigay sa nanlilimos kesa barya.) Pero bago pumunta sa tambayan, siguro dadaan muna ng Lib, konting research para sa kung ano mang paper na kailangang i-submit within the week o next week. Para di nakaka-guilty sakaling mapatagal ang pagtambay at pakikipagchikahan. Siguro magkikita kami nila Maui at Eca. Uupo sa bangketa sa labas ng simbahan, pag-uusapan ang mga nangyaring exciting sa buong linggo. Pagkkwentuhan yung mga crush sa iba-ibang mga klase. Pati yung mga crush ng crush namin pagkkwentuhan din, tapos iisipin kung ano kaya yung meron sila na wala kami. Tapos sabay-sabay namin ico-console ang isa't isa with statements like, "Di bale, mas maganda ka dun." o kaya, "E sus, di naman nya type yung guy, so wala din." or "Mas payat ka naman sa kanya."
Tapos, tapos na. Magyayayaan kami pumunta sa SC uli para mag-ikot lang. O kaya pag-uusapan kung ano bang susunod na proyekto ng ICTUS. Basta magtatawanan lang sa mga kung ano-anong bagay. Mapapaisip paminsan-minsan kung yung kabag ba ng tyan dahil sa init ng semento, o sa katatawa. Mainit, medyo nagpapawis-pawis ang likod at kleks, pero oks lang. Peyups days, wala pang arte sa katawan. Basta masaya lang...kahit iniisip yung papers na kailangang i-submit, at nalalapit na finals sa kung sa'n man. Pero exciting, kasi malapit na'ng mag-summer. Wala nang klase. Pero mag-summer classes kaya tayo? Para bawas na ang load next year pag nag-thesis. Mas madaling gagraduate. Tapos pwede na'ng maghanap ng trabaho.

Teka lang, tambay muna tayo.

Rainbows End.

Yesterday morning.
On our way to work.
Daddy and I passed by Reposo.
Up ahead was a rainbow whose end fell on the Makati Cemetery.

It felt funny, weird, eerie at some point. But I couldn't help but feel thankful for the gift of perspective. As the traffic moved along smoothly, so did the end of the rainbow. No longer did the pot of wonderful gold lie at the cemetery. It moved along on top of buildings--residential now, commercial later...then onto some office buildings.

A part of me wants to write more about this. A bigger part just wants to let things be. There's no need to explain the point. For the fear of muddling the idea. Someday when I'll look back on this post I'll know exactly what I mean.

but in case I forget, I think I need to write down some keywords: death, life, happiness, finding the end of the rainbow, some things you pursue may turn out to be a downright disappointment --dreary, dreadful, frightening even. But move along and things will turn out just fine. Enjoy the rainbow. You may never know where exactly it will end, but depending on how you look at it, it could always turn out good.

There. Don't forget cey.

Meetings and Wakes

Okay. 4 years, well, almost 5 years after graduation...what will I be known for?
What makes me, me?

Ba't na naman ako nag-iisip ng ganito.
Aaah, yes yes yo. I just came from a grueling meeting. With my strength and enthusiasm once again sapped off me, I write.

Deaths...going to wakes, always put things in perspective for me. They always leave me reassesing my life. Weirdly, long client meetings have been having the same effects on me.

They do have lots of parallelisms. For one, ideas die in meetings too. Another thing is that they leave me thinking, wondering whether or not I've done enough-- Did my efforts lead to good results, or were they nothing but futile. It always runs around my mind: the thought that we're focusing so much effort, so much time, so many highfaluting words over...this.

But the reality is, it's not just soap. It pays my salary. It gives thousands of people jobs. It...it...it's not too small a deal. But obviously, neither is it that freaking big.

At the end of it all, I can't help but ask, is it really worth it?
It has to be. Because I have no other choice? That sucks. But a part of me says this measly soap plays a part in the whole scheme of things. This soap whitens, cleans. This soap employs thousands of people to make it and sell it. This soap washes dirt away from millions of people's clothes. I hope it washes this nasty feeling away.

Bottom line, this soap makes money, lets other people make money, and specifically, pays me money.

Oooooh that sucks. Big time.

So when I die, what will they write on my tombstone? Here lies someone who made some ads about a certain soap.

Goodness gracious holy bulaga.

I guess it's about time I start taking my new year's resolutions seriously. If I want to be worth something, matter, and be remembered for good reasons, I ought to start moving my bum now. Because that copy on my tombstone doesn't look too good.

Masakit, masarap!

Sabi ni Seneca, "People love to touch their wounds, even when they know they hurt."

Oo nga naman. Parang yung mga old heartbreaks yan e. Ang sarap lang balik-balikan, paulit-ulit sa utak mo minsan; kahit alam mong somewhere deep down may sumasakit pa rin. But the thing is, may kakaibang sayang kasama yung lungkot e. Nostalgia ba yun? Mala. Basta, it's bittersweet. More sweet, than bitter.

Ang baduy no. Pero totoo pala yung sinasabi sa pelikula. Parang yung nasabi ni Nicolas Cage sa City of Angels, di eksaktong ganito, pero mala--"It was better to have spent two minutes with her; to touch her skin, kiss her lips...than to have spent the whole eternity not having met her." Ano bang punto ko?

Basta ang galing...na-gets ko na yung sinasabi nung mga sappy romantic movies na tipong if I had a choice between not having gone through all those heartbreaks and still having the chance to go through the good times even when it will all end in pain. Syempre, dun na sa huli. Kasi, masaya lang. Yung mga panahong nagpa-cutie cute cute kayo ng isang tao at nauwi lang sa wala. Well, not exactly wala. (kasi sa huli nagdrama ka, at some point swore off that race).

At isa pang maganda sa mga bittersweet moments na ganun. Parang mas matamis yung tagumpay sa huli. Matapos ang lahat ng shitty heartaches, yung aanihin mo pala sa huli, more than compensates for all those times when you thought true love won't happen. Yuck, an baduy. Pero I don't know how else to put it.

Mokoryofulufu

I just came from a 2 hour telecon. Tired as expected. But more sad, that tired. Unbelievable, just how many brilliant minds were working to solve a soapy problem with the (seemingly) looming thought that whatever mistake we might make could turn the whole world upside down, start another war or open another gaping hole on the ozone. Yes, if we get through this campaign and air this new ad the best possible way, we will end up with a better world.

Here's the sucker. If I'm complaining so much, why don't I just unmute the phone and shout out: What the hell is it that you really want? I've only been in this business 5 years and already I feel as jaded as a 300 year old man.

Funny thing, when I walked into the meeting, I already had an inkling that it wouldn't go well. Do they ever? Do they ever? I'm just in a f**ed up mood right now, but I know that if I dig well enough into my subconscious I could find some memories of meetings that did go well. This just isn't one of them.

So going back to the bad trip point. Five years, five years and already I'm running on empty. Five years...four pa lang pala! Hay :c How will I even last? But the reality is, I have to make it last. This is, after all, a job. You know, something you have to do to get what do they call that...money?

Ay, oo nga pala.

A part of me wants to say: C'mon look at the bright side, they are good people after all. Yeah yeah. Ok, to be fair, they are good people. A bit rude in some meetings, but I can't say we always put in our best behavior even in the most heated arguments. Ok. There, they're good people. Good, meaning, they don't do this to intentionally hurt the other people on the other side of the phone. Good, meaning, basta, they're not evil.

But please, after this meeting, allow me to wallow in self-pity. Parang...okay lang if we were all trapped inside this room brainstorming about the cure for cancer. Or about the fool-proof path to world peace. But no. Sabon. Wow men. Sabon.

Okay, cey, mareklamo ka? Then get out. Yeah right. Get out your face. I guess this is one of those reasons that make being a grown up so much un-fun compared to being a kid. You realize you have to do things because, well, you have to. You no longer do things out of whim, out of wanting to, out of knowing that at the end of all this shit you're going to find fulfillment.

Bwahahahaha.

Bilangin na lang natin ang blessings. Were it not for clients like these, who will pay our salary? Ang lungkot naman ng thought na yun. Sad, sad sad, but oh so freaking true.


Ang sarap tuloy gumawa ng wishlist:
1. Sana manalo ako sa lotto nang hindi tumataya. Oh wouldn't it be wonderful if a stray lotto ticket would come flying in the air and land so magically on my knee as I sit watching the television surfing the channels and suddenly chance upon the results on channel 4. Tapos winning numbers yung nasa magic lotto ticket. At 200 gazillion ang pot. Potek, ang saya non men. Tapos bibili ako ng ahensya at ng kompanya tapos ako ang writer pati kliyente. Tungaw...magpapagulong-gulong na lang pala 'ko sa pera. Fine, bibigyan ko din yung nararapat.

2. Clients who'd tell you, "Overall I like it." nang walang kadungtong na But...

3. Pero yung may input pa rin ha. Di naman yung tipong nag-present ka lang sa sarili mo. And if you think their inputs won't do anything to make the ad better, you could all just forget about it, tapos bati na kayo.

4. Clean air forever.

5. Tubuan ng kulugo ang lahat ng kurakot. One kulugo for every peso stolen.

6. Wala nang mahirap sa mundo.

7. Disiplina sa Pilipinas.

8. Good health sa lahat.

9. Wala nang masamang tao, hayop o kung ano pa man.

10. Rainbows kung kailan mo gusto. Kahit walang ulan before they appear.

11. Free time on demand.

12. Chocolates na nakakapayat habang kinakain.

13. Mahaba at masayang buhay sa lahat ng may gusto nito.

Wow...ayan. konting lungkot na lang. Hmmm, parang eto ang equivalent to making one thousand jumping jacks to create enough endorphins to erase the sorrow. Pero napagod daliri ko. Okay lang.

Isa pa palang wish. Gusto kong mag-Bora.

happy birthday. / ! ./! ./! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s over. Not yet. But in less than thirty minutes, it will be.
It’s just so weird. When I was younger, I couldn’t help but wish that God would fast forward all the years and make me older.

Now that I’m here.
Well, I’m here. And, I can’t say that it’s not what I had expected. Because things turned out well within my expectations.

I’m wishing that I was younger.
I’m hoping that I’d be easier to please, easier to happify. (make happy that is.)


Here’s the deal. I am happy. Spent the whole day with Regi. Had dinner with the family. Had advanced celebrations with friends from college and the office. Will be having extended bday celebrations till next week. Good, still have something more to look forward to. Bday’s not yet over.

Okay, so no reason to be sad. Heeeeeaaarrrgh.

But how come I feel so weird? Maybe I’m just tired. Afraid, maybe? Of what?

Of moving farther and farther away from youth and knowing how apparently I’ve become an adult and should start thinking like an adult, arguing like an adult, being complacent, being sad over things that didn’t even matter when I was younger, seeing all life’s complications, being miserable over wants, being taken over by unnecessary anxieties, succumbing to boredom, accepting mediocrity, seeing problems more than fun, complicating life (oh, I’ve said that already)

Of having to have a say in things, of having to say the right things, of holding more responsibility for my actions, for my thoughts, for what I have to do with my life, of wanting more, of looking like I achieved less that what I’ve dreamed of, Of working hard, slaving off and forgetting what exactly for, of cycles I can’t break away from, of a gazillion things Peter Pan would never have had to worry about.

Of not flying over the simplest things.


Oh God, the drama queen has entered the room.

Maybe I just need to sleep. A big chunk of me wants to end this on a high note; with something positive.

Think mind. Think…

Shut up bokbok. You’re alive aren’t you? Would you rather not be?

Good. That’s settled then.

Be Happy.

Thing is, nobody’s immune to sadness. I’ll bet even Peter Pan, in all his eternally youthful glory felt sad and afraid over things only adults, as others believed, were supposed to be afraid of. Barrie only failed to mention it in the book.

Okay, maybe there weren’t adult-sad moments for him. But the point is, cut the crap.
You’re getting older. Deal with it.

Are you really sad, or are you just conforming? Because it has been an age-old tradition after all to start fearing getting older once you cross a certain threshold, around 20ish or 30ish for some…

Okay, so you’re no longer a kid. There are good points to this ageing process. That, you can’t deny. As with everything, this too has got its own set of advantages and disadvantages. And life, is a matter of getting the most of the former, least of the latter.

You are happy Cey. You’ve just turned 25. Congratulations./!

As for your fears. Well, you could spend the whole night griping, or you could just get yourself to sleep. Give yourself some time to dream, then live again the next day. 25, it’s just a figure. You could be happy or sad at any age. Quit ranting. You want to be happy, right? Then be happy.

Got it? Yup. Good. Okay.

Thank you God, I’m 25. Sincerely, thank you.

I miss weekends

Friday na bukas.
Sa wakas. Makakatikim din ng weekend.
Sugarbollywow. For the first time in more than a month, makakatikim din ako ng Sabado. Makakatulog nang hindi kailangang gumising sa alarm clock. Gigising para isipin kung babangon na ba para manood ng tv o bumalik para matulog uli. Maliligo kung aalis lang sa gabi. Makakapagkwentuhan ang nanay at tatay ko. Makakapag-date with regi. Makikipagkita sa mga kaibigang ilang beses nang tinext ng sorry di na NAMAN ako pwede.

Weekends. Precious nga naman. Di lang dahil oras 'to para magpahinga kundi dahil eto ang panahon para sa mga bagay na mas importante pa sa trabaho. Bukod sa di makapanood ng tv, ang pinakapanget pag nawawalan ng weekends, wala nang oras para sa mga taong di naman dapat isinasantabi. Kaso ganun e. 5 araw sa trabaho, sa 2 araw, bahala na kung paano pagkakasyahin para sa mga mahal sa buhay na di kinikita buong linggo.

Parang may mali no? 2 days lang para dun...E ganun e. Kung wala ka namang trabaho, may 7 araw ka nga para kitain ang lahat ng mga kapamilya, kaibigan at iba pang mga mahal sa buhay, wala ka namang pera para gawin ang mga gusto nyo, kumain ng masarap, bumili ng magagandang regalo, pumunta sa mga magagandang lugar.

So pano na?

Sino bang nag-imbento ng konseptong 'to. E, teka, sino ba ng may sabing kailangang sumunod? Di naman tayo tinutukan ng baril para maging ganito. Pinasok nang walang karekla-reklamo. Tas pag andito na...ayun mag-aasim.

Teka, hindi ako nag-aasim.
Akchwali, masaya naman e. Walang bull****. Kaso, ayoko lang na pag ma-libre lang ng konti, make-up time naman. Panget, pag make-up lang, kasi di pwedeng maging kaibigan, gelpren, anak nang real time. Ang baduy.

Tama nang pag-aasim. Basta bukas Biyernes na. Tapos matamis na uli ang Sabado't Linggo.

Bokbok talks

Ephemeral. When you get older, it's amazing how handy this word becomes in describing relationships. Not all I hope, but some. It's not that you want them to be, but that's how things turn out. Either that or erratic; more like sporadic. The longer you go through life, the easier it is to accept that you're going to go through it for the most part alone. Sad? Not necessarily. But true.

That's bokbok speaking. Ang hari ng pagmumukmok. Panira ng ligaya. Tagahila sa realidad pag nakaangat masyado ang ulo ko sa ulap.

Pero may punto. Kaya siguro mas madali maging detached. Para pag may nawala, di kailangang kalungkutan. Kaso nga lang, mejo hilaw pag dating sa pag-aalaga sa mga dapat alagaan, sa pagsabi ng 'i love you' dun sa nararapat.

O baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip. Diba sabi nila, start with the end in sight. Tama ba? Sa tamang konteksto, oo. So it's easier to see your goal, to visualize, imbibe what lies after the finish line.

Pero, pwede bang magsimula nang di tinatanaw kung anong nasa dulo? Minsan kasi nakakatakot lang isipin what lies ahead. Pero di kaya unfair yun sa kasabay kong tumakbo? Ewan. Bahala na. A basta.

E ano ba kasi ang kinatatakutan ko sa dulo? Kasal? Hiwalayan? Pagpapamilya, o pag-iisa? Ba't ko ba 'to iniisip?

Ewan.

Basta, wala namang sigurado sa mundo. Isa isa lang. Isa-isa lang muna. Kung ano-ano kasing pinoproblema, di naman kailangan. Itigil ko na nga to.

Eto lang. Sana kung ano man ang ending, walang masasaktan. Lahat masaya. Ano ba 'to. Tumatanda na ata ko. Wag masyado, ayoko.

Reconnecting

Last night I went to dinner with my high school friends. And it just feels so good to reconnect…not only with old friends, but with my old self. Parang walang lumipas na oras habang nagkwentuhan kami uli tungkol sa mga dating pangarap, dating pananaw, dating mga hinaing. Alam naming may mga nagbago na, pero ang sarap lang uli makasama nung mga taong ka-antabay mo habang binubuo mo pa lang yung mga panaginip mo; at alam mong di ka nila huhusgahan kung di mo pa man yun naaabot, o kung nagbago man ng tuluyan ang mga inaasam-asam mo. Basta alam mong masaya sila para sayo. At masaya ka rin para sa kanila. Walang regrets. Masarap. Nakakarecharge.

Hairrrrrr.

Last night I had my haircut. And I felt unbelievably awful when I suddenly put my eyeglasses to see the final product.

This is what I get for not clearly stating what I want. Thing is, I’m the type of person to say what I want. Sometimes however, I don’t get to, because it’s either what I want still isn’t too clear for me, or I’d like to get a bit of a surprise.

Last night I was surprised all right. Surprised to see almost the same unbelievably plain hairstyle I went with 45 minutes ago. I entered and left the salon the same person, P500 poorer though.

It’s a stupid haircut, deal with it. The hair’s been chopped off, there’s nothing you could do with it. Better than spilled milk, I guess, because hair grows back up; milk doesn’t.

Still I feel awful. When I went home, I kept on coming back to the mirror to check. Probably in the hopes that at some angle, or under a different lighting condition it would look better. It didn’t.

Now I woke up, still hoping that it’s gotten better in 7 hours. It hasn’t.

Stupid, stupid haircut. This is what you get for not spelling out what you want.

The worst part is that I had no one else to blame but myself. Felt bad for the stylist though. Because I knew he read my mind. It’s quite easy to do that when you’re faced with someone who’s undeniably transparent expressions can’t hide anything, even when tried so hard. Felt bad for my friends who went with me that night because they had to hear me rant. Awful display of dramatics on a wonderful Friday night. I probably should’ve kept my (#(@*$) feelings to myself. Then, they wouldn’t have felt bad, because they too wanted me to get the haircut. Maybe they felt they had something to do with this stupid incident. They didn’t. It was unfair to them. It was all a product of MY bad briefing to the stylist; MY inability to describe what I really really wanted; MY carelessness not to check from time to time…knowing that this has already happened before.

(The thing is, when I take off my eyeglasses, I practically see nothing on the mirror but a blob of brown with something black on top. That would have otherwise been my face and my hair being cut off in the process, to someone with clear vision)

Stupid, stupid way to burn money. Ok. Fine. This haircut would’ve been perfectly ok—if I paid 1/3 the price. I could’ve done something similar to this with a pair of scissors.

Stupid, stupid me. This has happened before. The reason why I haven’t gone to a salon in 3 years is because I always end up with a haircut so far from what I want. The reason why I’ve started to learn how to cut my own hair. (which yes, sometimes looks like I’ve gotten gum stucked to my hair the other night; but still I did it for free. And for me, it was what the look that I wanted)

Honestly, I didn’t have a clear picture in my head of what it is I wanted. I had them in broad strokes, probably. Ultimately, what I wanted was change. This wasn’t change at all. In fact, it’s not all that shitty. It’s not even bad. That’s what makes it so stupid. It’s not even bad, it’s not good; it’s uncannily mediocre. I hate it.

I knew I’d be walking in the mall seeing one out of 5 people with probably the same hairstyle. How unique.

I tried to ask the stylist to fix it, to make the layers chunky; to make me look different. He said I’d have to wait because chopping off more that night would’ve meant an even worse result both for my hair and for my stupid facial expression.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe this looks good on me. As of last night, I didn’t care. This wasn’t what I wanted.

I feel awful. For the most part, because of the repeated mistake. Still haven’t learned your lesson, cey…Next time, know what you want first, before you do something. Don’t just let someone else do it for you, and expect that it’s going to be good at the first try. Say what you really, really want. That way, even when you don’t end up with something good, you’ll at least wallow in the thought that you got what you wanted. Next time, ok cey? Fine. Learn from this, and then move one. Quit whining, it’s irritating. Oh, and one more thing, when you whine, please don't ruin anyone else's time but yours? Thanks.

Fine. Noted.

P.s.
Deep down I’m hoping this turns out like the pair of jeans ate bought for me 12 years ago. I hated it the first time I tried it on. Only to turn out wearing them every chance I got, and loving every moment of it. I don’t know how exactly that happened. Morgan Freeman’s words come to mind—since when did people know what they wanted?

Eraserheads nga naman

Ilang taon nang lumipas. They still haven't lost their magic. Mag-aalas tres na't nasa opisina pa din kami. May tinatapos na trabaho. OT ika nga...Pero tumutugtog ang Eheads. Haneeep. Gising na gising pa rin ako. Kani-kanina lang sinisipon pa ko, kinakabahan na manghina. Bawal magkasakit sa mga panahong 'to. Pero ang sarap, sarap, sarap lang uli makarinig sa boses ni Ely, tugtugan nila Raymund, Markus at Buddy. Akala ko college, high school, grade school ako uli!! Blast from the past. Haneeeep.

Wala na ata akong ibang bandang minahal pa. Pero bwiset, bat kailangang magkahiwa-hiwalay pa sila. Kailangan bang isabuhay nila ang kasabihang, all good things must come to an end. bullshyeth. Kung may magic lamp lang ako ngayon sa tabi ko, iwiwish kong sana ibalik ng genie ang dating tuwa, saya, at kakaibang musika ng tunay at nag-iisang Eheads. Yun, plus 1million more wishes. Syempre madami pa kong gustong hilingin.

Fine, world peace malamang isa dun. Atsaka sana masaya forever and ever ang lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. Okay. Lahat na sa mundo.

At isa pa, sana manalo kami sa 6/45 at 6/49 mega lotto.

Wooooo-hooo!!!

On love and shoes

Yesterday I fell in love.

I had nothing specific in mind as we walked around the mall. I just knew it was time to buy my Christmas gift. Any style would’ve worked, assuming of course they had my size. But after a few stores and a number of running shoes I’ve seen, my eyes were fixed on a pair that casually called to me to come try and fit it.

I just knew I wasn’t going for anything white—because white shoes, are hard to clean. So I was drawn to those made mostly of dark tones. There it was, in between two other pairs…running shoes which would have been otherwise so ordinary. But no, I already had a Nike on my right foot which seemed to fit me just well, (plus it was undeniably on the budget) but these black/blue shoes just seemed to feel right. I hadn’t even tried them on, but they absobluminutely felt right for me. We were meant for each other, I just knew it.

Regi said so too. I actually pointed them out casually, but he was the one who excitedly said, “Yan, oo yan, mas okay!”

So I asked the salesman to get me those shoes in…eherm…size 9. Too bad the largest size they had was 7.

But this time, I already knew what I wanted. In my head, I already had a picture of the perfect running shoes. This would make for a great Christmas gift! I never thought running shoes hunting could become so exciting.

We went back to the Adidas store, they didn’t have that style. To Toby’s…they didn’t have it either. To Sports Central…but the salesman just gave me a surprised look when I asked for the style in size…9.

“Ma’am, UK size ba ‘yan o US? “

“A, e, US, size 9. Alam kong size 9, kasi may sinukat na kong size 9, pero ibang style yun e.”

After a few minutes, he hands me over the shoes and says, “Ma’am, pasensya ka na ha (nagulat ako) kasi ngayon lang ako nakarinig sa babae ng…size 9. Ang laki pala ng paa nyo.”

Ok lang, sanay na ko. Maliit lang ako, pero sadyang malaki ang paa ko. Wala namang ibig sabihin ‘yun pag babae ka diba?

Still, the largest size they had was 8 1/2. Aaarrrrgggghhhh….

He tried to make me compromise. Maybe it’ll expand, then it’s going to fit me perfectly! Or maybe I could try the other styles. They’ll probably feel just as good. Pero ang sabi ko lang sa kanya, “Hindi e…(eto seryoso, sinabi ko talaga to drive home the point) Alam mo ‘yun…napatibok na nya yung puso ko? Iba e.”

Na-gets na nya. Tinuro pa nga kung saan kami baka makakita ng same style pero may size ko.

On to more stores. We searched bldg.A then bldg B for other stores which carried Adidas. Minsan pa nga pinilit kong magtingin sa Reebok, sa Fila, sa Nike, baka sakaling may humigit sa kanya…pero wala. Wala talaga. There was only one specific style I had in mind: Adidas Tremor, size 9.

Pero wala talaga.

So I went home, brokenhearted. Naawa na nga si Regi sakin e. Buti pa sya, isang tingin lang sa mga nakadisplay na basketball shoes, alam nya kagad yung gusto nya. Kuha ng size. Sukat. Solb. Nabili namin kagad yung Christmas gift nya.

(Kundi lang ako makulit na nagsabing magtingin muna sa ibang tindahan baka mas mababa ang presyo dun, bibilhin na nya kagad. Pero matapos mag-ikot, dun din kami sa unang store bumagsak. Ang galing e.)

Hemingways…

Today, I came to the office itching for lunch time. Today, I will find you.

Pag patak ng alas dose, takbo kagad ng Gbelt. Wala sa Adidas. Sa Landmark, andun…pero walang size. Direcho ng isa pang Adidas sa Glorietta 3…wala na naman!!! Sa Cinderella, meron ding style…pero 8 1/2 ang biggest! Sumpa ba ang 9 na paa?! Ano ‘to, parang roller coaster ng emosyon. Sasaya, aasa, pero madidisappoint dahil wala pala. Walaaaaa!!

Aaarrrggghhhhh! Why God? Alam kong OA, pero type ko na talaga sya, bakit di pwede? Bakit nyo pa pinakita sakin kundi rin naman pala pwedeng makuha ko sya? Ang saklap.

I was supposed to go back to the office already, but there was one other choice…SM Makati.

Pero teka, malayo…at saka, may oras pa ba? Kaya pa, lunch time pa din…Skip na muna sa chibog. I had to know I did everything I can, given the time I had, to search for those perfect shoes. Ewan, basta may nagging feeling na kailangan kong subukan pa rin sa SM. Yun na lang. Last na. Kung wala doon, wala na talaga. Magmumukmok na lang ako.

Malay mo, someday, I’ll find the perfect pair, tapos sale pa. Or, hindi ko na lang hahanapin. Basta, pag namasyal na lang ako, bahala na, pag may makita pang ibang running shoes. Basta, di na ko maghahanap, I’ll just wait for the perfect shoe to come along. Tutal, I started off with no expectations when I started this search. Might as well abandon all hope and start anew.

Pero nasa glorietta na ko e…kaya sige. Fight!

Pagdating ko nang SM, parang kumakaway-kaway pa sya sakin. Yooo-hooo!! Andito lang ako.

“Miss! Meron kayo nun, size 9?”

Tingin ang miss sa notebook ng inbentaryo.

Suspense. Over. Parang slow-mo habang binubuksan nya yung notebook tapos dahan-dahang hinahanap yung style ng sapatos…at kung may size 9 nga ba…

“Ah, meron.”
One of the sweetest words I’ve heard this year (kakasimula pa lang ng taon e)

Isa pa nga…”MERON.”

At eto pa…iisa na lang.

Sinukat ko. Sakto. Ang ganda nya. Ang ganda nya talaga. At ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam nang magkita pa kami nang halos di na ko umaasang makakamtan ko pa sya.

It was a match made in SM.

Ngayon, parang nahuhuli ko lang ang sarili kong napapatingin sa kanya. Minsan, totoo, di pa rin ako makapaniwala halos na sa dinami-dami ng pinuntahan ko’t, nag-akala na kong mapupurnada na ang pagkuha ko sa kanya, e kami din pala ang magkakatuluyan. Totoo pala, kung kayo talaga, kayo.

Christmas is HERE!

As I walked towards the office I could not help but feel it in the air. It's oh-so-wonderfully true, Christmas IS here. There's an unexplainable flurry of cheers that seems to reek out of every person on the street. Despite all the obvious reasons not to be happy, Christmas really is unstoppable.

Despite the fact that I haven't even started wrapping my presents (well, at least I'm done buying them!) the panic and frenzy can't even prevent me from declaring this as a carefree, cheerful time.

It's just nice to be happy, to be excited for Christmas again. I don't know if I was this happy last year. Probably. It probably feels a bit more heightened this time around because Cris and Ate Lilet are here. Except for Dave and Tita Bot, the family's all here! Wooo-hooo! Plus with Gelo and Ica, the newest members of ever-so small Enriquez family. This really is a happy Christmas. Ahhh...quality time with the family. (syempre, with friends and lovey-dudey regi din :))

And, I haven't even opened my gifts yet! Unlike the other years when my EQ waned to .2678 and evidently made me peep and...open all my gifts even before the 24th. Come Christmas time I had nothing to look forward to; especially in these years when Santa doesn't exactly come around any more. So there. Except for 1 gift which I opened (the humongous Sponge Bob 'canister' filled with butter popcorn...yeah yeah yeah!) I'm still in for some surprise. Who says Christmas is only for kids? I wish to uphold my right to still be happy despite my un-kiddie status. Come to think of it, I still am a kid. Who cares if I'm 24? There's no law saying that once you stop believing in Santa Claus you're no longer qualified to be a kid and be ecstatic during this season.

Well, there is another reason why I'm happy...finally i've gone to confession. Hah! Yes, even in this day and age when it's easier to believe that it's no longer needed, I just felt the need to go through it. Deep down I still believe (no matter how cheesy / seemingly self-righteous it may sound) that it's nice to have a 'clean' heart during these times. Ok. 'Clean' may be a relative term; but the point is, it just feels good to have gone to confession right in time for His birth. Sort of feels like the good ol' grade school days.

Finally, this year's about to be over. Not to be unfair to 2005, it's had its good points. Still, there have been moments of pain. There's a nice feeling in knowing that next year's a clean new slate. Hah. 365 new days. 365 new reasons to plan and dream. 365 new reasons to wake up and be thankful that you're breathing. As if the last 6 days aren't worth being thankful enough. Heck, there's a certain joy in looking at the coming days as something...well...for lack of a more profound term...NEW.

Parang bagong sapatos. Bagong damit. Bagong taon. May ibang dating ang bago. Pero bago ang lahat...salamat sa Diyos sa Pasko; espesyal ang dating ng pagsalubong sa 2006. Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!!! At syempre, may rason para magbakasyon. stop look and listenn to the bells to the ringing of the bells...

teka. malayo na ang usapan. basta masaya. MASAYA!!!! woooo-hooooo!!!!! Merry Christmas!! Thank you God, masaya ako. Ang selfish naman...pero sana lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay masayang-masaya din. While we're at it, sana buong mundo masaya; pero dahil may favoritism ako--sana pinakamasaya ang mga Pinoy! Siguro naman somewhere may Kano, Aprikano, Chinez, o iba pang nagmimithi na ang lahi nya ang pinakamasaya. so okay, patas lang ang laban.

osya, may Christmas dinner pa kong pupuntahan. Eto'ng isa pang masarap sa pasko, more effort to reconnect and spend time with friends. Hayyy....basta. masaya lang.

Good, bad, good, good GOOOD.

It’s almost creepy. I was going through some old docs in the computer when I came upon a document entitled: sunny wed.

============

8.24.05

It’s a Wednesday afternoon and the sun is shining oh so brightly.
I almost thought it was a Saturday, a Sunday even.

And suddenly I have this light feeling.
I am happy. For whatever reason, I’m not too sure.

Rod Stewart’s crooning in the background.
I still haven’t found dad’s Hotdog tribute CD. But still I feel happy. Is there something wrong with that?


============

Nothing’s really special about it. But here’s the deal. I wrote it the day before my house caught fire. It gave me the creeps. So is that it? When you feel suddenly oh-so happy, you ought to be wary? Because come tomorrow something bad, no…drastic just may happen.

Awful awful thought. But it’s a reality: I felt unexplainably happy on a given day, and come tomorrow, something totally devastating occurs. How else am I supposed to explain that?



Thing is, I can’t. Maybe it’s better not to put much thought on it. Blame it on coincidence. Hayyy…coincidence. Some cosmic interference must’ve caused these events to happen one after the other. For all I know it could’ve happened the other after the one. Huwaht?! Though that might not seem too logical, wouldn’t it?

Fine. So one good thing’s followed by an excruciatingly painful one. Suddenly I remember those kilig moments followed all too suddenly by heartbreaks... Should this be a reason to believe (P&G speak?!) that that’s how the world turns? I know there have been other moments in my life when this type of order occurred, but even when it’s far easier to generalize and cast this out as a rule, I would much rather not.

Because then every good thing would be smeared by the fear of a bad thing happening right after. What good should happy moments serve then? Suddenly I remember Dessa (fellow Ictusian) when she said, “I’ve stopped living my life waiting for the big axe to fall” For better illustration, let’s replace it the axe with an anvil. After all, isn’t it nice to sometimes think of ourselves as lone roadrunners nonchalantly speeding through the vast desert despite the fact that we know, (oh yes, the cartoonist said so) that the coyote’s got another ACME anvil hung over somewhere in our paths, waiting for our heads to pass.

Exciting lang.

Then again, there’s comfort in knowing that God the great cartoonist just won’t let the anvil fall flat on our heads. Unless of course we ignore all His warnings, and we truly need a head-bumping ‘learning experience’. Oh well, that’s another story.


For now, I would like to believe that not all good things are followed by bad events. There’s even a higher probability for bad things to be followed by surprisingly good ones. After all, despite all those kilig-moments cut abruptly by heartaches, I found Regi. Forgive the mushiness. It’s a happy thought nonetheless :)