To my Playmate,

Sabi ng iba, pag sumisipa ka daw, kantahan kita para tumigil ka sa pagsipa.
Sabi ko, baka lalo kang mapa-sipa pag kumanta ko.

But really, I don't care how much you kick throughout the day. I enjoy every hiccup every kick, or fist bump you make. May tao na talaga sa loob. Ang galing!

As you may have heard, Nanay had to STOP (not even cut down?!) eating processed sweets. So goodbye dark chocolate macadamia cookie, goodbye alfajor, goodbye butterscotch fudge bar, goodbye Snickers Peanut Butter Bar...chocolate decadent cheesecake, fudgey-wudgey brownies...oh how my heart aches at the thought of saying goodbye.

No, I don't have diabetes. Doc's just taking the necessary precautions--and for some reason, I suspect, may have a connection with the office's CCTV cams...how else could she have known?! (uy, pero 'in moderation' lang naman, anak.)

Weniwei. The list of all the wonderfully sweet stuff on top of salmon sushi and other featured products on my food porn files that I've had to say sayonara to may cause my heart to ache a teensy-weensy bit...pero anak, hello no, we both know it's all going to be worth it :)

Yeah, kahit alam kong pag labas mo di ko pa rin sila kaagad makakain lahat dahil we're hoping to b***stfeed you for as long as I could, but just the thought of seeing you all healthy and happy makes me want to say, kahit hangin na lang ang kainin ko okay lang. (basta chocolate flavored man lang sana? joke lang.)

Magse-seven months ka na. We're so excited to see you in a few months' time. Sana September, pag-pray mo kayanin ni nanay at tatay ang lamaze.

We love you. We're always praying for you. And we feel so amazingly blessed to have you.

Fist bump,
Nanay

You kicked!

Last night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep...you kicked! For the first time you kicked! I wanted to wake your Tatay up, but I knew he was tired (and what use would it be for him to put his hand on my tummy when it was highly probable that we'd have to wait for a few more hours 'til you made your presence felt again.)

But thank you for that brief moment of 'Hello.' I'm so, so, sooooooo excited to see you in a few months. Your Ate Marty and Kuya Sky can't wait to see their newest pinsan.

And yes...I'm trying to lay off the sweets...konti lang, promise.

See you Sat! Hopefully we'll know then whether to call you Baby-baby girl or Baby-baby boy.

We love you. Welcome to the world in 4 months!

Luv,
Nanay

Dinner at the Stock Market (high dividends!)

For the past few Saturdays, I've been hibernating.
Mostly because I didn't have the energy to go out, just got off being sick, or just had to recharge from a tiring week.

I have been on econo-mode. I thought that the best way to conserve my energy was just to stay on the couch and be as close as possible to the bedroom for when the pillows beckon.

But tonight, I finally got to join the girls' monthly kitakits with sila Seiji. I'm not the type to blog, "Just came from dinner with the girls..." Oh but here I am, doing so. Lest I forget the feeling of coming home on a Saturday night, not feeling enervated nor feeling all the more bad when I realize I did absolutely nothing but 'recharge' or 'hibernate' to no avail.

I got it all mixed up. Apparently, pulling my ass off the couch and meeting up with good ol' friends is one of the best ways to really recharge. To hear the laughter that used to echo on the high school walls, to hear about stories about little brothers and sisters (who are now about to graduate from college?!!) At one point I felt old, but for the most part, I just felt...happy.

Happy to be in the company of people whom you knew saw you at your happiest, knew you at some of your crummiest moments, shared the totoy/nene days with you, didn't care how you looked, shared your dreams and corny jokes with. People who were part of those years you know you'll never ever forget--and you'll never tire of reminiscin' about.

And even when you talk about similar woes about long work-hours, adult issues and stuff, for the most part you just spend the evening enjoying the good food, relishing the stories, and basking in the same heart-thumping, pasta-peeping (as in teeth pasta!), syncopated laughter, that brings you back to the walls of St. Paul.

Time travel at its finest.
Energy level: high.

p.s.
Baby-baby says: See mom, choose happy :).
Ok, time for bed. Love you.

Again God, thanks for great family, great friends, and energy to enjoy them all. And thanks Regi for you-know-what.
:))

Baby, baby, baby oh.

There are mornings when I wake up and the first thought that enters my head goes "Lord, be my strength."

I read that in the first 3 months of pregnancy, though your body seems to be doing nothing (net-net, you're not running around or doing jumping jacks and all that) but really, the amount of effort it's expending at the moment--just so it could produce everything the little one needs, is almost like it's climbing a mountain. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the analogy seems appropriate. Really, because there are times when you could probably look me in the eye and tell me, "Sige nga, fall asleep." And I'll get to dreamland faster than you can count to 50; and you can do that at practically any time of the day.

I'm always hungry. But I don't know what to eat. Well, lately, anything that comes by me, I can munch down. (Although I'm hoping I'll be diligent enough to pack enough fruits in my lunch bag so I won't have to cheat with sweet treats.) And the over-sensitive sense of smell is just...just that. Over. The simplest smell could make me feel nauseous. I can't even put on my favorite lotion (well, any lotion for that matter) without feeling like reaching for the toilet bowl.

Sometimes even eating could be like lottery. You'll never know which ones will make you feel gassy the whole day, all the more nauseous, or hopefully (if you're a winner) won't bother you with a burp at all.

Oh the list of woes just seems to go on. I can almost feel the baby saying, "Mom..it's not really my fault, is it?"

And now I'm getting all teary-eyed (yes, another down-side, with mixed-up hormones that get my emotions on hyper-drive...I've been emotional before getting pregnant, that was the default mode, now imagine me high on progesterone; it's a chick-flick cry-fest.) But hormones aside, I'd still get teary-eyed at that thought.

And if I were to talk to my baby I'd tell him/her:
Cey: No, no it's not your fault.
Baby: Still, I'm sorry for making you feel all...crappy.
Cey: Aw, c'mon. It's not your fault.
Baby: If you knew it was gonna be this uncomfortable, would you still have wanted to...you know...
Cey: Don't you even dare ask that.
Baby: What.
Cey: Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't be so easy, I...I would've been afraid to get into this whole pregnancy thing...I would've thought about postponing it for a while...but then I'd think again (and of course with much consultation with your Tatay) just get on with it. (or to Marvin Gaye's joy, simply 'Get it on!')
Baby: Yeah right.
Cey: Cocky eh. Only a baby and already you've got some spunk.
Baby: I don't think that's me, that's you speaking in my voice.
Cey: Oh.
Baby: But, really? You mean that?
Cey: Let's put it this way. Remember last week? When we were pitching, and I had to stay up til 4am...and get back to the office by 730...and you didn't even give me a bit of a bother...anyway, that's beside the point. The pitch was about kids right? And...and I kept on thinking about you. And I saw you. I imagined you, looking at me, playing with me and your daddy/tatay. And you were smiling. And you're so happy. And I felt like a mom.
And I realized how excited I am to see you.
I'm so happy to have you.
And despite the fact that there are days when I can't help but wish that I'll feel better; or I just feel like I'm suddenly so old and drained. If that's what it would take to have you...
Baby: Then it's all worth it right? :)
Cey: I'm sorry, I can't think of a more profound way of saying it.
Baby: It's okay. That's more than enough.

Cey: One last thing, please help us pray that you be shielded from all the days' stress. We really want you to be a happy, healthy, normal wonderful baby boy/girl.
See you in 6 months and a week.
Baby: Ok, nanay.
Cey: Oh, and one more thing. I love you.

Things to be thankful on a Thursday

1. Sipon-less breathing (pardon the graphic detail, but it feels great!)
2. Quaker Oats Cookies
3. Energy!
4. Counting down to August 31 :)
5. Counting down til the end of the first trimester!!! (goodbye sluggish self!)
6. Sesame Street
7. Kermitty Frog Notebook
8. Traffic moving along EDSA
9. Bubblegum scented elevators
10. Appetite
11. Appetite for life
12. Moms :)
13. Sky passing the entrance exam!!
14. Sleep
15. The ability to get back to sleep
16. 5 minutes before being late.
17. Exciting creative briefs
18. Thinking about eating cheese omelettes and not wanting to throw up
19. Suha
20. Buko Juice
21. Cravings and knowing where and how to get 'em
22. Bo's Feasts at the PICC
23. Regi
25. Bigggg support system
26. A loving family
27. Thoughts of Kayla, Simba and Kali...and the other dogs in Arayat
28. Imagination.
29. Looking forward to a happy, healthy, normal, absolutely wonderful Baby Boy/Girl :)
30. lurve.

In a few months, hello.

Ever the planner, I hate uncertainties.
Who doesn't?
But every morning, I tell God, "Lord, I lift up to you all of my worries. And I thank you for this wonderful blessing."

Last night was the first night I slept without waking up at an ungodly hour contemplating on whether to go to the bathroom to pee, throw up or do nothing.

I told my mom, I have a renewed appreciation for mothers, now having a preview of what they had to go through just to...just to...cross-over and be somebody who used to have to worry about herself, to putting someone so tiny before her own needs.

In a few days, we'll see each other. But you'll be on an ultrasound screen, as babycenter.com said, you'll probably be the size of a lentil; but your Tatay and I will already get to hear your heartbeat.

I thought I'm not the mushy-mommy type, but just thinking about seeing you on Thursday gets me all teary-eyed. Baduy, I know. But I can't imagine how overwhelming seeing you in approximately 8 months will be.

Yes, I have fears. I dare not speak of them. That's why I've offered them all to Him who knows what's best for you, and me and your Tatay (who still can't decide if he'll be papa/daddy/tatay). But please don't feel bad that nanay's afraid. I'm just trying to adjust from being a selfish individual to a would-be mom. Bear with me, please?

And though it may not be too obvious at this point, as my consciousness usually travels between work and fending-off the gassy/acidic/sleepy/can't-quite-figure-out-what-to-eat feelings, please know that I love you. I haven't even met you yet, but I know I love you.


p.s.
"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away... :)"

Luv,
Nanay

The wonders of no TV

Miracle of miracles. I got home before 6pm. Finally got around to fixing the tons of junk in my humongous office bag, talked with Gela on the phone over what’s supposed to be a teeny issue, but was something irritating enough for me, I had to vent on her (even when I knew how busy she still was; thank God for friends!), had dinner with Chawie at home and talked the night (well not the whole night) away…catching up on what we’ve missed, reminiscin’ about the good ol days, asking each other about work about loves, about anything and everything there was to talk about while we both had this precious time.

Chawie left, and I picked up the phone to call my mom and ask her how her day went. What she was doing...what she was watching...I was talking too much, she had to say goodnight first.

And as I stared at the blank wall where the TV soon will be, I felt tempted to keep it bare. The TV addict in me protests. But even she knows that this night would not have been as productive, real, and wonderfully filled with moments of old-fashioned entertainment and connections had that magical box teeming with cooking shows, movies and cartoons been here.

Sometimes it’s just nice to switch off. Other times, its even way better to not have the choice to look out at the tens of channels that give you vivid pictures of the outdoors and stories that make you fly to faraway places, or just sheer mind-numbing bleh-—because time suddenly expands and embraces everything that has always been so near yet has oft-been deprived of the proper attention. It feels good to know that tonight, because my eyes weren't glued to the screen (TV or computer!) I didn't miss a thing on life's awesome show.

Happy Friday nga naman.

16 days to go

Panic has a way of making my back ache.
16 days to go and it's easy to get lost in the details and forget the fact that all these time-consuming, mind-boggling, focus shattering preparations are meant for something far more...beautiful, exciting, exhilarating...wonderfully life-changing. There's comfort in the thought that everything will be alright. I've been praying for this day. He knows what's in my heart and knows what's best for me...starting October 2--for me & the man I'm going to be spending forever with.

There's nothing left to do, but enjoy the ride.

sunny-side up

Someday i wish to learn how to cook. More like, I have to learn how to cook, because some of the greatest things in life don't always come ready to be taken in. They have to be chopped to be understood, put on the heat to be tested, and mixed together just so they'll be fun to have, oh, and seasoned to taste.

Seasoned...the way seasons can never truly be measured or commanded with certainty. But the right taste, just happens.

Things I am grateful for today:
1. Night out with Regi
2. Twilight (yes I know I should be too old for those teenybopper stuff, but there's no denying how this mind-numbing entertainment simply is...fun)
3. lovely family
4. saturday!
5. good tatau and wadub
6. honesty
7. tears that stop
8. doors waiting to be opened
9. clarity
10. friends
11. understanding minds
12. surprise babaw kilig moments
13. listerine
14. my baby picture staring at me as i write this
15. the prospect of a good night's sleep
16. the dream where i was driving a red top-down porsche...which wasn't mine, a friend just made me drive it so I could...I dunno, forgot why (but even in my dreams, I knew I had to be practical!)
17. retainers

Wednesday, I'm in love.

with myself! Hah! Narcissistic b**ch. Joke lang. I am in love with people who make my heart thump with joy, and I am in love with the fact that today I am not the whining prick who just can't seem to get enough of life's dramas.

And so, I finished the things that needed to be done, got to go to mass on a cool Wednesday night. And tonight, I'll go home, at peace, and with the comforting knowledge that prayers are always answered.

Things to be thankful for this Wednesday:
1. Tuna surprise--tuna sandwich with chicharon, no joke
2. Cool walk back from the Gbelt Chapel
3. Appreciated work
4. Early time out
5. second hand cool finds
6. The Wonder Team---back home, right here, everywhere, and the knowledge that i'm not alone
7. pears
9. Boh Tea from Robby
10. Cool comfy shoes! Love 'em.
11. Moved deadlines
12. Wedding Preps on-track
13. Loved ones who love back
14. AFC, saved episodes of Chef at Home/ French Cooking at Home/ Cook's Tour in my head.
15. Cheesecake!!
16. The joys of an alternate identity
17. Lovelovelove

Thanks God. Ikaw talaga oo.

Saan nagtatago ang happiness

Sorry to borrow the title from a movie.

Pero saan nga ba?
Sa likod ba ng pera? Sa tagumpay?
Sa pagsabi ng ibang tao ng "Wow, ang galing mo naman."
Sa pagtanggap ng taos-pusong 'Thank You.'
Sa pakikinig ng magandang kanta nang di mo inaasahan.
Sa kaalaman na magunaw man ang mundo may isang kamay...dalawa...lima...higit sa sampung kamay na alam mong hinding-hindi ka iiwanan?
Sa kaalaman na matutulog ka sa gabi nang nagawa mo lahat ng kailangan mong gawin, at bukas ganun uli, pero mas masaya.
Sa pagkain ng chocolate cheesecake
at ang pantasya na hinding-hindi ka tataba kahit di ka magpakapagod para i-burn ang linchok na calories na katapat ng bawat subo.

At pagsusulat nang walang pakialam kung mahuhusgahan ka ba o hindi.
Sa masarap na pagkain
Sa kawalan ng iniisip
O kaya sa pagkakaroon ng sangkatutak na kailangang isipin pero alam mong lahat magiging okay sa huli.
Sa libreng parking
Sa picture ng masayahing bata sa harap ng computer mo.
Sa mga drayber na nakakasalubong na kahit gitgitan e pagbibigyan ka ng walang mura o bad finger na kasabay.

Sa mga bulaklak sa Dangwa
Lalo na yung mura kahit mahal na dapat.

Sa mga tunay na kaibigan
Sa mga magulang na walang sawang nakikinig sa mga bagay na malamang walang kwenta na para sa ibang tao, pero buong-puso pa rin nilang pagtitiyagaan
Sa mga bagay na gagawin nila para sa'yo ng walang sumbat.
Sa Ate at Kuya, bayaw at hipag na kahit matanda ka na e tinatrato ka paring baby sa pag-aalaga
Sa mga pamangkin na minamahal ka kahit na masungit ka sa kanila minsan
Sa mga salita, sa mga kamay na marunong mag-type.

Sa mga panahong wala lang, na lalong nagpapatingkad sa mga panahong wow, yeba.
Sa pag-iisa
Sa reklamo--teka, nasan ang happiness dun?
Well, pag nawala ang reklamo, andun ang happiness.

Nuong bata ako, di ko maintay tumanda.
Para makasama ko sa Ate ko at Kuya ko sa Star City ba yun o Boom na Boom.
Di ko akalaing walang carnival ang tatapat sa saya ng pagtatarang nang wala lang dun sa labas ng bahay kasama ng mga kalaro kong walang ibang kailangang isipin kundi ang maabot ang base nang di nahuhuli ng taya.

Tapos madilim na, at kailangan nang umuwi. Maliligo. Makikipag-away ng konti kay Ate Yolly kasi tinatamad ako, pero di dapat matulog ng madumi.

Tapos bukas maglalaro uli.

Basta masaya lang.

Naisip ko lang, nung bata ako, ni minsan ata di ko natanong kung 'San nga ba nagtatago ang happiness.

Kasi hindi 'to nagtago. Hindi kailangang hanapin, kasi andyan lang parati.
O baka hanggang ngayon di naman nagtatago.
Pero parang mas romantic lang ang buhay pag may drama.
Para may rason mag-blog.
Nah.

Minsan tinatanong ko si God, "Kung gusto mong maging masaya lahat ng tao, ba't di mo na lang bigay yung gusto nila?"
Pero ika nga ni Morgan Freeman bilang 'God' sa Bruce Almighty, "Since when did you know what you really wanted?"

onga naman. Hindi ba pwedeng broad strokes lang, like, "God, gusto ko maging masaya forever and ever." Yun yung objective, bahala na po kayo sa execution. But what about free will, He asks. Then I'll say, "Ok lang, kayo na po bahala, mas alam Nyo naman kung anong makakabuti sa'kin diba?"

God: Wala nang excitement
Cey: E, interesado lang naman po ako sa bottomline
God: Edi ako na lang sana nabuhay para sa'yo. Ba't pa kita nilagay sa mundo kung ano din pala gagawa ng mga desisyon.
Cey: Hmm...may point. Pero, ayoko na 'pong magkamali. Malungkot kaya.
God: Ba't naman, natututo ka naman.
Cey: O, which brings me back to my original point, kung bibigay Mo rin lang yung ice cream, ba't kailangan pa ng obstacle course?
Feeling ko naman ganun din ang lasa ng ice cream kahit ilagay mo sa tuktok ng Mt. Everest o kung lagay Nyo na lang sa harap ko, diba?
God: The journey makes the ice cream worth it.
Cey: But I just want the ice cream! Ok, let's quit the metaphors. I just want to be happy! All the time! I want everyone I love, ok fine, let's just make this universal, I want the whole world to be happy. Like we're all on drugs or something. High on pure joy.
God: Kahit walang rason, ganun? Lutang ka lang?
Cey: Oo. Este, opo. Diba mas...ok yun? Parang cartoons. Si Spongebob, masaya parati.
God:...
Cey: Yes...?
God: Ayoko na magsalita. Wala ka namang ibang gagawin kundi kontrahin ako ngayon e.
Cey: ...
God: Pero alam mo naman na, okay, I hate to be cheesy...pero alam mo naman na...you know...
Cey: Na mahal mo ko?
God: Euw, ang cheesy ng dating, basta alam mo na yun.
Cey: Well, oo.
God: Di pa ba enough yun?
Cey: Enough naman. Pero bakit...bakit parang alam mo yun, okay naman dapat lahat, pero di pa din masaya...well, masaya as in a few notches above malungkot, but not happy- happy-yey-may-pasalubong-na-sambos-si-daddy-kagaya-nung-7-years-old-ako-kind-of-happy.
God: 7 years old ka pa ba?
Cey: Hindi na.
God: O e ba't yun pa rin hinahanap mo?
Cey: Ewan, parang mas simple lang dati.
God: Simple pa rin naman ngayon e. Ma-drama ka lang talaga. Diba yung mga hiniling mo naman dati nakuha mo ngayon?
Cey: Well...
God: Hey, give me some credit here.
Cey: O...o...
God: O, e ba't sinasabi mong malungkot ka pa din? Na 'di ko binibigay yung gusto mo. Binibigay ko naman, not in the exact form that you want them to be in, but you know, oh c'mon cey, you know you always get what you want. Kahit iba yung execution, you know that I'm always on-strat. The objective being: to make you...and the people you love happy.
Stop sulking. Umuwi ka na nga. Alam mo, pagod ka lang.
Whatever issues you may have, well, they may still be there tomorrow. But I'm telling you they'll be much smaller when you look at them again tomorrow.

Cey: Sige na nga. Basta God, wag Nyo kong bibigyan ng problema ha? Ok na ko sa sunog, life-changing enough na yun para sakin. Healthy, happy, lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay. Tapos basta, alam Nyo na yun.

God: Uwi ka na kasi.
Cey: Sa'yo?! Wag muna!
God: Pilosopo.
Cey: Joke lang.
God: Masaya ka na? Wag ka na kasi ma-drama.

Basahin mo na lang 'to uli bukas. 'Yang happiness-happiness na hinahanap mong yan, you'll realize that it's staring right back at you.

May katok na ata ako, kinakausap ko yung sarili ko. Masaya lang ilabas.
In the spirit of rationalization, eto na lang ang form of prayer ko for today.

uwi na ko.

Things I am grateful for on a Monday

1. Latin Dance with Regi
2. Endorphins!
3. Big Bang Theory
4. Dates with Mommy & Daddy
5. Warm clam chowder
6. That tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks
7. No more 'Please don't sit here' sign at that tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks.
8. Dates with myself
9. Impromptu date with Regi
10. Morning messages from Kathy San Blas
11. Working aircon
12. Kind cars
13. Drivers who give way
14. Cool Monday morning
15. Love
16. Less than 4 months 'til forever :)
17. The power of thank you.

God, as always, please take my hand today.

What's up doc?

If a bunny rabbit came by and asked me this question. I'd be...first I'd wonder if water can get you drunk. Then I'd be dumbfounded. Not by the talking bunny. But by the question.

I honestly don't know. I'm not sure about what's up. But I'm pretty sure, somebody's feeling down.

Still Seneca's words come to mind, "Humans love to touch the wounds that hurt." or something like that. I don't even think a warm chocolate chip cookie would do the trick. A big hug, maybe. Maybe.

Asim Chronicles

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm praying that God give me more time on earth is because I don't want to face St. Peter and give him a pathetic answer to the question: So Cey, what have you done with your life?

I might not be able to give a fully accurate answer. But it would go a little something like this.
(pardon the asim...)

Cey: Uhm...well...I made ads.

St. Peter: Yun lang?
Cey: E, pa'no pa po, I had to sleep at some point.
St. Peter: Oh, ano pa, siguro naman may iba ka pang nagawa.
Cey: (mentions some good things she remembers)
St. Peter: Teka, teka, ma-balik tayo sa una mong sinabi. You made ads?
Cey: Opo.
St. Peter: You spent ___% of your adult life making ads, ni hindi ka man nagka-7+, wala kang international award, ni local award wala ka...my gulay how do you expect me to let you in here?!
Cey: Ang harsh mo naman. Este. Po. Harsh nyo po.
St. Peter: Hello, diba sabi ni St. Augustine, "Whatever you do, do it well, and you have praised God." Judging by the figures, I don't think you did such a great job.
Cey: Ay, grabe, harsh.
St. Peter: Duh. So, pa'no na?

Tapos sana magising na ko.

Hay.

Okay, tama na break. Back to work. Yipeedoodledoo.

And then a part of me says, "Be grateful may trabaho ka."
Hay sorry God, I am thankful for having a job. But, I just had to vent :c

And to end on a positive note. (Parang atsara, may asim pero may humahabol na tamis.)
God...I'm not sure exactly what to ask for, but you know what I need. And you know what's in my heart. Oh, and thank you for the resistensya builders. And for family, and friends. And love.

Yup...there are more things in life other than deadlines.

Things I am grateful for today

1. Friday! Yey!
2. Asparagus
3. Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar
4. Simpsons
5. Siblings
6. Nephews & Nieces
7. comfy slippers
8. un-sticky weather
9. Sacred Space!
10. Justin Timberlake
11. Cassava Cookies
12. Binondo
13. Dress Fittings at 1am
14. Awakenings
15. Friends who stay
16. Friends who walk away
17. But care for you from afar.
18. Flowers
19. Free Parking
20. Energy for the weekend and more
21. Mommy, Daddy, Ate Yolly
21. Regi
22. Batcave
23. Dates with myself
24. The smell of new books
25. Children's section at Powerbooks
26. Pumpkin soup

RIP Kitty

Today I killed a cat.
I wished it meant something different. I wished it was just some figurative expression for killing something, basta something that wasn't really a living thing. But the truth is, i did kill a cat. Well, it was, a kitten.
To make the crime more heinous, it was probably a week-old calico kitten. Saw it this morning with its mom and brother/sister kitten. Before I backed out of the driveway, we (my mom, Ate Dang and I) shooed them away from the car. But for some weird reason, the precarious third member of the entourage managed to run back to my front wheel just as I backed out. I saw the horror in my mom's face. I felt so bad. So indescribably bad.

As with a lot of things that happen; well, as with a lot of things that solicit more than the usual emotions for me, I turn to Him, usually with a whining question of "Why?!"
Exactly, Why did that have to happen to an innocent little kitten. Would've felt less remorse if I ran over the toes of a corrupt government official. Perhaps, that would bring an altogether positive reaction from me.

Anyway, it just felt so...unnecessary. Why have a supposedly nice morning ruined by a killing? Then thoughts about me feeling bad about this kitten, and rationalizing thoughts of me having spared the poor cat a future of hardship, of toiling through garbage in search for food. Yeah right. And at that moment, I felt life shifting beliefs. I wondered if reincarnation was real. No, I wished, reincarnation was/ is true. That the cat was suddenly reincarnated into another, happier version of itself. That it was somewhere being born to richer cat parents. That it will live a life of comfort. That its death would somehow be for its own good.

But remorse was a nagging b*tch. Not just for the poor kitty, but for the fact that it died for nothing; and by my own doing. Then I wondered, do people who kill other people feel the same thing? Or do they also numb the pain by rationalizing the act with the thought that 'it was for their own good'? Then thoughts about political killings crossed my mind. The senselessness of it all. The remorse we feel for poor kittens and hungry puppies, and the numbness we feel at the poverty and hunger of humans. How normal they've become, that seeing them no longer elicits remorse or thoughts and wishes of making things better.

I digress. But those thoughts did come to me as I traversed Makati Ave; even when I tried to drown them in 98.7 wind music. I tried to put them to a halt with a thought that it's all in the past and it's time to move on. That the day has to go on. And I switched to another channel--one where I saw the kitty happily playing in heaven. Then I said a little prayer for him/her.

And I prayed that something happier, way happier event would neutralize this morning remorse.

Things to be grateful for today:
Okay, this is kinda hard.

1. No more sipon.
2. One more day 'til Saturday
3. Paid insurance bill
4. Ok Cey, put some more effort...endorphins
5. Fitflops
6. No morning bumper to bumper traffic
7. Sky, Marty & Bea
8. Happy, healthy family
9. Blue skies
10. Book's about to be available at National (that's more like it)
11. water.
12. Energy to wake up and get off the bed

Thankful Tuesday

Conscious Effort. Here goes:

1. Understanding parents
2. Heat that doesn't burn
3. Aircon
4. Warm soup (plus point 3)
5. Spongebob and Patrick
6. Laughter
7. Chocolates
8. Pure orange juice, no ice. Big Chill without the chill.
9. Chocovron. And Regi's joy when he has one.
10. Unsolicited smiles
11. Surprise messages
12. Understanding jowa
13. Thoughts that would quiet down
14. Water
15. Hair clips
16. Pimples that didn't leave pockmarks
17. The memory of UP's tree-lined avenues and walking on them on a non-sticky 7am morning
18. The ability to channel happy memories at will
19. Imagining sleep
20. Waking up and knowing that everything will be alright. Rock-a-bye.

Mentally Constipated then this.

With so many things happening I can't seem to stay put and just enjoy the moment. I know I should, but I can't help but rush off to the next task lest I run the risk of listening to my horrid thoughts on defeat and purpose and being tired and going off and looking for that one thing that's supposed to make all these things worth it.

Ah, the joy of rambling.

Just came from Boracay. What was supposed to be one of the most wonderful places in the whole wide world for me was practically smeared by the foul stench of defeat. I hate to admit it, but it still hurts. I kept on asking God, if you knew that I wouldn't win, why even bother giving me the chance to join again?

But I know the answers. The usual suspects that go: There is a purpose for all these. You've had your chance then, it's time for other to reap the European harvest. But why rub it in my face God?

What's the point?

I have always made it a point to end my blogposts in a more or less positive note. But for this time, I am not so sure how this thing would go.
There is comfort in knowing that there is a Grand Plan, but when you feel like you're still in the process of discovering how it all unfolds, the labor pains just seem so unbearable. It's like you're reading a Choose your own Adventure Book and would rather skip to the end and know how it all turns out.

A part of me wants to to...actually, has already told Him, "Labo mo God."
Blasphemous I know. And for fear of being struck by lightning I said, "Ay, sorry. Pero please, bigay mo na sakin 'tong moment na 'to. Let me sulk."

And sulk I did the whole night when defeat was once again rubbed oh so sweetly like carabao dung on my face. I wish it'd work like fertilizer and make good things grow on my head.

Despite the failure, I know that I should still be thankful. That's what they all say. From the rubbles of defeat I shall rise. Bah. Way easier said than done.

I have resisted writing about this. Because I've wanted this blog to be about the things I want to look back on, things I want to reminisce about. Defeat doesn't exactly leave a sweet tingling sensation.

But I guess no matter how much I ramble or think out "Labo mo God" I know I will get to that point when I will look back on this post and laugh at the angsty comments. And be thankful that it did happen, because I became a better person (I don't know yet how at this point) because of dung dung defeat.

Mommy says: Things like these happen so you won't forget Him. You may pray when you're happy, but you pray differently when you're down.

And so I tell Him, "Sincerely, at this point God, ang labo. Do you want me to go on with this path or to go the other way? Should I forge on, or is this a sign to look away? Defeatist? Pragmatist? Weirdly-optimistic? Which one should I be? Whatever it is, please make the signs clear, as you can see I have very bad vision. And I rant when I fall down. So please take my hand, lead me, please? Kasi kung malabo ka, I concede, mas malabo ako."

Things to be thankful for today:
1. Jellybeans from mommy
2. Medical City's night-shift opthalmologist
3. Mommy's eyes are healing well
4. Patient jowa
5. Risotto dinner
6. Del Mar
7. Friends
8. Surprise dress sales
9. Goya Almond Chocolates
10. Leonidas from Regi
11. Shower
12. Car aircon
13. Kermit the frog
14. Happy partners
15. Fern-C
16. Apple Cider vinegar
17. Flash drive
18. Ranting and finally stopping.

Thank you God for friends.

I just came home from Cat's bridal shower.

And I guess there's nothing like spending quality time with good ol' friends to get to know yourself again. I had a mirror held straight up to my face. And the realizations are as bright as the fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingernails. Last night was a spa session cum all-nighter/early dawn catch-up. This morning, while we ate breakfast and sat at the cusp of once again entering our own realities, we held mirrors to each others' faces and saw what each of us saw in the other. After almost two decades of friendship with these people, seeing them again never fails to remind me of just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people to keep me grounded when I stray too far, and lift me up when I've forgotten who I am, who I can be, and just how wonderful life already is, just being here, now.


For some reason, getting older makes it a conscious effort to be happy. No longer am I the kid whose Saturday banig-mornings in front of the all-morning cartoons was reason enough to be elated with the 9:00 Saturday sunshine. There are things to be done, things to be flustered with, matters that can no longer be relegated to the next free day. But having the same old people telling you things as they see it, or rather showing you your colors as they see them--lets you step on the breaks and realize once again...I'm still the same person. And being happy doesn't have to be hard. Sure the morning cartoons have changed; but the reasons to be thankful for yet another new day, another new Saturday sunshine, as always, still abound.

The hollow feeling that comes with age is actually a matter of perspective and choice. Today I choose to be happy.


Reasons to be thankful for this Saturday:
1. Great great friends
2. Pink nail polish
3. A good massage
4. Un-strict hotel rules
5. A surprisingly fun Tagaytay work-trip
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Love
8. Absolut Mango
9. Boys over flowers
10. Prayer
11. Perspective
12. Life.


p.s.
God, thanks for the Christmas gift that came last wednesday.
add'l thing to be thankful for: Answered Prayers. Wedding plans are on-track. Will finally have a children's book published :)

Thank you God for friends.

I just came home from Cat's bridal shower.

And I guess there's nothing like spending quality time with good ol' friends to get to know yourself again. I had a mirror held straight up to my face. And the realizations are as bright as the fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingernails. Last night was a spa session cum all-nighter/early dawn catch-up. This morning, while we ate breakfast and sat at the cusp of once again entering our own realities, we held mirrors to each others' faces and saw what each of us saw in the other. After almost two decades of friendship with these people, seeing them again never fails to remind me of just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people to keep me grounded when I stray too far, and lift me up when I've forgotten who I am, who I can be, and just how wonderful life already is, just being here, now.


For some reason, getting older makes it a conscious effort to be happy. No longer am I the kid whose Saturday banig-mornings in front of the all-morning cartoons was reason enough to be elated with the 9:00 Saturday sunshine. There are things to be done, things to be flustered with, matters that can no longer be relegated to the next free day. But having the same old people telling you things as they see it, or rather showing you your colors as they see them--lets you step on the breaks and realize once again...I'm still the same person. And being happy doesn't have to be hard. Sure the morning cartoons have changed; but the reasons to be thankful for yet another new day, another new Saturday sunshine, as always, still abound.

The hollow feeling that comes with age is actually a matter of perspective and choice. Today I choose to be happy.


Reasons to be thankful for this Saturday:
1. Great great friends
2. Pink nail polish
3. A good massage
4. Un-strict hotel rules
5. A surprisingly fun Tagaytay work-trip
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Love
8. Absolut Mango
9. Boys over flowers
10. Prayer
11. Perspective
12. Life.


p.s.
God, thanks for the Christmas gift that came last wednesday.
add'l thing to be thankful for: Answered Prayers. Wedding plans are on-track. Will finally have a children's book published :)