16 days to go

Panic has a way of making my back ache.
16 days to go and it's easy to get lost in the details and forget the fact that all these time-consuming, mind-boggling, focus shattering preparations are meant for something far more...beautiful, exciting, exhilarating...wonderfully life-changing. There's comfort in the thought that everything will be alright. I've been praying for this day. He knows what's in my heart and knows what's best for me...starting October 2--for me & the man I'm going to be spending forever with.

There's nothing left to do, but enjoy the ride.

sunny-side up

Someday i wish to learn how to cook. More like, I have to learn how to cook, because some of the greatest things in life don't always come ready to be taken in. They have to be chopped to be understood, put on the heat to be tested, and mixed together just so they'll be fun to have, oh, and seasoned to taste.

Seasoned...the way seasons can never truly be measured or commanded with certainty. But the right taste, just happens.

Things I am grateful for today:
1. Night out with Regi
2. Twilight (yes I know I should be too old for those teenybopper stuff, but there's no denying how this mind-numbing entertainment simply is...fun)
3. lovely family
4. saturday!
5. good tatau and wadub
6. honesty
7. tears that stop
8. doors waiting to be opened
9. clarity
10. friends
11. understanding minds
12. surprise babaw kilig moments
13. listerine
14. my baby picture staring at me as i write this
15. the prospect of a good night's sleep
16. the dream where i was driving a red top-down porsche...which wasn't mine, a friend just made me drive it so I could...I dunno, forgot why (but even in my dreams, I knew I had to be practical!)
17. retainers

Wednesday, I'm in love.

with myself! Hah! Narcissistic b**ch. Joke lang. I am in love with people who make my heart thump with joy, and I am in love with the fact that today I am not the whining prick who just can't seem to get enough of life's dramas.

And so, I finished the things that needed to be done, got to go to mass on a cool Wednesday night. And tonight, I'll go home, at peace, and with the comforting knowledge that prayers are always answered.

Things to be thankful for this Wednesday:
1. Tuna surprise--tuna sandwich with chicharon, no joke
2. Cool walk back from the Gbelt Chapel
3. Appreciated work
4. Early time out
5. second hand cool finds
6. The Wonder Team---back home, right here, everywhere, and the knowledge that i'm not alone
7. pears
9. Boh Tea from Robby
10. Cool comfy shoes! Love 'em.
11. Moved deadlines
12. Wedding Preps on-track
13. Loved ones who love back
14. AFC, saved episodes of Chef at Home/ French Cooking at Home/ Cook's Tour in my head.
15. Cheesecake!!
16. The joys of an alternate identity
17. Lovelovelove

Thanks God. Ikaw talaga oo.

Saan nagtatago ang happiness

Sorry to borrow the title from a movie.

Pero saan nga ba?
Sa likod ba ng pera? Sa tagumpay?
Sa pagsabi ng ibang tao ng "Wow, ang galing mo naman."
Sa pagtanggap ng taos-pusong 'Thank You.'
Sa pakikinig ng magandang kanta nang di mo inaasahan.
Sa kaalaman na magunaw man ang mundo may isang kamay...dalawa...lima...higit sa sampung kamay na alam mong hinding-hindi ka iiwanan?
Sa kaalaman na matutulog ka sa gabi nang nagawa mo lahat ng kailangan mong gawin, at bukas ganun uli, pero mas masaya.
Sa pagkain ng chocolate cheesecake
at ang pantasya na hinding-hindi ka tataba kahit di ka magpakapagod para i-burn ang linchok na calories na katapat ng bawat subo.

At pagsusulat nang walang pakialam kung mahuhusgahan ka ba o hindi.
Sa masarap na pagkain
Sa kawalan ng iniisip
O kaya sa pagkakaroon ng sangkatutak na kailangang isipin pero alam mong lahat magiging okay sa huli.
Sa libreng parking
Sa picture ng masayahing bata sa harap ng computer mo.
Sa mga drayber na nakakasalubong na kahit gitgitan e pagbibigyan ka ng walang mura o bad finger na kasabay.

Sa mga bulaklak sa Dangwa
Lalo na yung mura kahit mahal na dapat.

Sa mga tunay na kaibigan
Sa mga magulang na walang sawang nakikinig sa mga bagay na malamang walang kwenta na para sa ibang tao, pero buong-puso pa rin nilang pagtitiyagaan
Sa mga bagay na gagawin nila para sa'yo ng walang sumbat.
Sa Ate at Kuya, bayaw at hipag na kahit matanda ka na e tinatrato ka paring baby sa pag-aalaga
Sa mga pamangkin na minamahal ka kahit na masungit ka sa kanila minsan
Sa mga salita, sa mga kamay na marunong mag-type.

Sa mga panahong wala lang, na lalong nagpapatingkad sa mga panahong wow, yeba.
Sa pag-iisa
Sa reklamo--teka, nasan ang happiness dun?
Well, pag nawala ang reklamo, andun ang happiness.

Nuong bata ako, di ko maintay tumanda.
Para makasama ko sa Ate ko at Kuya ko sa Star City ba yun o Boom na Boom.
Di ko akalaing walang carnival ang tatapat sa saya ng pagtatarang nang wala lang dun sa labas ng bahay kasama ng mga kalaro kong walang ibang kailangang isipin kundi ang maabot ang base nang di nahuhuli ng taya.

Tapos madilim na, at kailangan nang umuwi. Maliligo. Makikipag-away ng konti kay Ate Yolly kasi tinatamad ako, pero di dapat matulog ng madumi.

Tapos bukas maglalaro uli.

Basta masaya lang.

Naisip ko lang, nung bata ako, ni minsan ata di ko natanong kung 'San nga ba nagtatago ang happiness.

Kasi hindi 'to nagtago. Hindi kailangang hanapin, kasi andyan lang parati.
O baka hanggang ngayon di naman nagtatago.
Pero parang mas romantic lang ang buhay pag may drama.
Para may rason mag-blog.
Nah.

Minsan tinatanong ko si God, "Kung gusto mong maging masaya lahat ng tao, ba't di mo na lang bigay yung gusto nila?"
Pero ika nga ni Morgan Freeman bilang 'God' sa Bruce Almighty, "Since when did you know what you really wanted?"

onga naman. Hindi ba pwedeng broad strokes lang, like, "God, gusto ko maging masaya forever and ever." Yun yung objective, bahala na po kayo sa execution. But what about free will, He asks. Then I'll say, "Ok lang, kayo na po bahala, mas alam Nyo naman kung anong makakabuti sa'kin diba?"

God: Wala nang excitement
Cey: E, interesado lang naman po ako sa bottomline
God: Edi ako na lang sana nabuhay para sa'yo. Ba't pa kita nilagay sa mundo kung ano din pala gagawa ng mga desisyon.
Cey: Hmm...may point. Pero, ayoko na 'pong magkamali. Malungkot kaya.
God: Ba't naman, natututo ka naman.
Cey: O, which brings me back to my original point, kung bibigay Mo rin lang yung ice cream, ba't kailangan pa ng obstacle course?
Feeling ko naman ganun din ang lasa ng ice cream kahit ilagay mo sa tuktok ng Mt. Everest o kung lagay Nyo na lang sa harap ko, diba?
God: The journey makes the ice cream worth it.
Cey: But I just want the ice cream! Ok, let's quit the metaphors. I just want to be happy! All the time! I want everyone I love, ok fine, let's just make this universal, I want the whole world to be happy. Like we're all on drugs or something. High on pure joy.
God: Kahit walang rason, ganun? Lutang ka lang?
Cey: Oo. Este, opo. Diba mas...ok yun? Parang cartoons. Si Spongebob, masaya parati.
God:...
Cey: Yes...?
God: Ayoko na magsalita. Wala ka namang ibang gagawin kundi kontrahin ako ngayon e.
Cey: ...
God: Pero alam mo naman na, okay, I hate to be cheesy...pero alam mo naman na...you know...
Cey: Na mahal mo ko?
God: Euw, ang cheesy ng dating, basta alam mo na yun.
Cey: Well, oo.
God: Di pa ba enough yun?
Cey: Enough naman. Pero bakit...bakit parang alam mo yun, okay naman dapat lahat, pero di pa din masaya...well, masaya as in a few notches above malungkot, but not happy- happy-yey-may-pasalubong-na-sambos-si-daddy-kagaya-nung-7-years-old-ako-kind-of-happy.
God: 7 years old ka pa ba?
Cey: Hindi na.
God: O e ba't yun pa rin hinahanap mo?
Cey: Ewan, parang mas simple lang dati.
God: Simple pa rin naman ngayon e. Ma-drama ka lang talaga. Diba yung mga hiniling mo naman dati nakuha mo ngayon?
Cey: Well...
God: Hey, give me some credit here.
Cey: O...o...
God: O, e ba't sinasabi mong malungkot ka pa din? Na 'di ko binibigay yung gusto mo. Binibigay ko naman, not in the exact form that you want them to be in, but you know, oh c'mon cey, you know you always get what you want. Kahit iba yung execution, you know that I'm always on-strat. The objective being: to make you...and the people you love happy.
Stop sulking. Umuwi ka na nga. Alam mo, pagod ka lang.
Whatever issues you may have, well, they may still be there tomorrow. But I'm telling you they'll be much smaller when you look at them again tomorrow.

Cey: Sige na nga. Basta God, wag Nyo kong bibigyan ng problema ha? Ok na ko sa sunog, life-changing enough na yun para sakin. Healthy, happy, lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay. Tapos basta, alam Nyo na yun.

God: Uwi ka na kasi.
Cey: Sa'yo?! Wag muna!
God: Pilosopo.
Cey: Joke lang.
God: Masaya ka na? Wag ka na kasi ma-drama.

Basahin mo na lang 'to uli bukas. 'Yang happiness-happiness na hinahanap mong yan, you'll realize that it's staring right back at you.

May katok na ata ako, kinakausap ko yung sarili ko. Masaya lang ilabas.
In the spirit of rationalization, eto na lang ang form of prayer ko for today.

uwi na ko.

Things I am grateful for on a Monday

1. Latin Dance with Regi
2. Endorphins!
3. Big Bang Theory
4. Dates with Mommy & Daddy
5. Warm clam chowder
6. That tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks
7. No more 'Please don't sit here' sign at that tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks.
8. Dates with myself
9. Impromptu date with Regi
10. Morning messages from Kathy San Blas
11. Working aircon
12. Kind cars
13. Drivers who give way
14. Cool Monday morning
15. Love
16. Less than 4 months 'til forever :)
17. The power of thank you.

God, as always, please take my hand today.

What's up doc?

If a bunny rabbit came by and asked me this question. I'd be...first I'd wonder if water can get you drunk. Then I'd be dumbfounded. Not by the talking bunny. But by the question.

I honestly don't know. I'm not sure about what's up. But I'm pretty sure, somebody's feeling down.

Still Seneca's words come to mind, "Humans love to touch the wounds that hurt." or something like that. I don't even think a warm chocolate chip cookie would do the trick. A big hug, maybe. Maybe.

Asim Chronicles

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm praying that God give me more time on earth is because I don't want to face St. Peter and give him a pathetic answer to the question: So Cey, what have you done with your life?

I might not be able to give a fully accurate answer. But it would go a little something like this.
(pardon the asim...)

Cey: Uhm...well...I made ads.

St. Peter: Yun lang?
Cey: E, pa'no pa po, I had to sleep at some point.
St. Peter: Oh, ano pa, siguro naman may iba ka pang nagawa.
Cey: (mentions some good things she remembers)
St. Peter: Teka, teka, ma-balik tayo sa una mong sinabi. You made ads?
Cey: Opo.
St. Peter: You spent ___% of your adult life making ads, ni hindi ka man nagka-7+, wala kang international award, ni local award wala ka...my gulay how do you expect me to let you in here?!
Cey: Ang harsh mo naman. Este. Po. Harsh nyo po.
St. Peter: Hello, diba sabi ni St. Augustine, "Whatever you do, do it well, and you have praised God." Judging by the figures, I don't think you did such a great job.
Cey: Ay, grabe, harsh.
St. Peter: Duh. So, pa'no na?

Tapos sana magising na ko.

Hay.

Okay, tama na break. Back to work. Yipeedoodledoo.

And then a part of me says, "Be grateful may trabaho ka."
Hay sorry God, I am thankful for having a job. But, I just had to vent :c

And to end on a positive note. (Parang atsara, may asim pero may humahabol na tamis.)
God...I'm not sure exactly what to ask for, but you know what I need. And you know what's in my heart. Oh, and thank you for the resistensya builders. And for family, and friends. And love.

Yup...there are more things in life other than deadlines.

Things I am grateful for today

1. Friday! Yey!
2. Asparagus
3. Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar
4. Simpsons
5. Siblings
6. Nephews & Nieces
7. comfy slippers
8. un-sticky weather
9. Sacred Space!
10. Justin Timberlake
11. Cassava Cookies
12. Binondo
13. Dress Fittings at 1am
14. Awakenings
15. Friends who stay
16. Friends who walk away
17. But care for you from afar.
18. Flowers
19. Free Parking
20. Energy for the weekend and more
21. Mommy, Daddy, Ate Yolly
21. Regi
22. Batcave
23. Dates with myself
24. The smell of new books
25. Children's section at Powerbooks
26. Pumpkin soup

RIP Kitty

Today I killed a cat.
I wished it meant something different. I wished it was just some figurative expression for killing something, basta something that wasn't really a living thing. But the truth is, i did kill a cat. Well, it was, a kitten.
To make the crime more heinous, it was probably a week-old calico kitten. Saw it this morning with its mom and brother/sister kitten. Before I backed out of the driveway, we (my mom, Ate Dang and I) shooed them away from the car. But for some weird reason, the precarious third member of the entourage managed to run back to my front wheel just as I backed out. I saw the horror in my mom's face. I felt so bad. So indescribably bad.

As with a lot of things that happen; well, as with a lot of things that solicit more than the usual emotions for me, I turn to Him, usually with a whining question of "Why?!"
Exactly, Why did that have to happen to an innocent little kitten. Would've felt less remorse if I ran over the toes of a corrupt government official. Perhaps, that would bring an altogether positive reaction from me.

Anyway, it just felt so...unnecessary. Why have a supposedly nice morning ruined by a killing? Then thoughts about me feeling bad about this kitten, and rationalizing thoughts of me having spared the poor cat a future of hardship, of toiling through garbage in search for food. Yeah right. And at that moment, I felt life shifting beliefs. I wondered if reincarnation was real. No, I wished, reincarnation was/ is true. That the cat was suddenly reincarnated into another, happier version of itself. That it was somewhere being born to richer cat parents. That it will live a life of comfort. That its death would somehow be for its own good.

But remorse was a nagging b*tch. Not just for the poor kitty, but for the fact that it died for nothing; and by my own doing. Then I wondered, do people who kill other people feel the same thing? Or do they also numb the pain by rationalizing the act with the thought that 'it was for their own good'? Then thoughts about political killings crossed my mind. The senselessness of it all. The remorse we feel for poor kittens and hungry puppies, and the numbness we feel at the poverty and hunger of humans. How normal they've become, that seeing them no longer elicits remorse or thoughts and wishes of making things better.

I digress. But those thoughts did come to me as I traversed Makati Ave; even when I tried to drown them in 98.7 wind music. I tried to put them to a halt with a thought that it's all in the past and it's time to move on. That the day has to go on. And I switched to another channel--one where I saw the kitty happily playing in heaven. Then I said a little prayer for him/her.

And I prayed that something happier, way happier event would neutralize this morning remorse.

Things to be grateful for today:
Okay, this is kinda hard.

1. No more sipon.
2. One more day 'til Saturday
3. Paid insurance bill
4. Ok Cey, put some more effort...endorphins
5. Fitflops
6. No morning bumper to bumper traffic
7. Sky, Marty & Bea
8. Happy, healthy family
9. Blue skies
10. Book's about to be available at National (that's more like it)
11. water.
12. Energy to wake up and get off the bed

Thankful Tuesday

Conscious Effort. Here goes:

1. Understanding parents
2. Heat that doesn't burn
3. Aircon
4. Warm soup (plus point 3)
5. Spongebob and Patrick
6. Laughter
7. Chocolates
8. Pure orange juice, no ice. Big Chill without the chill.
9. Chocovron. And Regi's joy when he has one.
10. Unsolicited smiles
11. Surprise messages
12. Understanding jowa
13. Thoughts that would quiet down
14. Water
15. Hair clips
16. Pimples that didn't leave pockmarks
17. The memory of UP's tree-lined avenues and walking on them on a non-sticky 7am morning
18. The ability to channel happy memories at will
19. Imagining sleep
20. Waking up and knowing that everything will be alright. Rock-a-bye.

Mentally Constipated then this.

With so many things happening I can't seem to stay put and just enjoy the moment. I know I should, but I can't help but rush off to the next task lest I run the risk of listening to my horrid thoughts on defeat and purpose and being tired and going off and looking for that one thing that's supposed to make all these things worth it.

Ah, the joy of rambling.

Just came from Boracay. What was supposed to be one of the most wonderful places in the whole wide world for me was practically smeared by the foul stench of defeat. I hate to admit it, but it still hurts. I kept on asking God, if you knew that I wouldn't win, why even bother giving me the chance to join again?

But I know the answers. The usual suspects that go: There is a purpose for all these. You've had your chance then, it's time for other to reap the European harvest. But why rub it in my face God?

What's the point?

I have always made it a point to end my blogposts in a more or less positive note. But for this time, I am not so sure how this thing would go.
There is comfort in knowing that there is a Grand Plan, but when you feel like you're still in the process of discovering how it all unfolds, the labor pains just seem so unbearable. It's like you're reading a Choose your own Adventure Book and would rather skip to the end and know how it all turns out.

A part of me wants to to...actually, has already told Him, "Labo mo God."
Blasphemous I know. And for fear of being struck by lightning I said, "Ay, sorry. Pero please, bigay mo na sakin 'tong moment na 'to. Let me sulk."

And sulk I did the whole night when defeat was once again rubbed oh so sweetly like carabao dung on my face. I wish it'd work like fertilizer and make good things grow on my head.

Despite the failure, I know that I should still be thankful. That's what they all say. From the rubbles of defeat I shall rise. Bah. Way easier said than done.

I have resisted writing about this. Because I've wanted this blog to be about the things I want to look back on, things I want to reminisce about. Defeat doesn't exactly leave a sweet tingling sensation.

But I guess no matter how much I ramble or think out "Labo mo God" I know I will get to that point when I will look back on this post and laugh at the angsty comments. And be thankful that it did happen, because I became a better person (I don't know yet how at this point) because of dung dung defeat.

Mommy says: Things like these happen so you won't forget Him. You may pray when you're happy, but you pray differently when you're down.

And so I tell Him, "Sincerely, at this point God, ang labo. Do you want me to go on with this path or to go the other way? Should I forge on, or is this a sign to look away? Defeatist? Pragmatist? Weirdly-optimistic? Which one should I be? Whatever it is, please make the signs clear, as you can see I have very bad vision. And I rant when I fall down. So please take my hand, lead me, please? Kasi kung malabo ka, I concede, mas malabo ako."

Things to be thankful for today:
1. Jellybeans from mommy
2. Medical City's night-shift opthalmologist
3. Mommy's eyes are healing well
4. Patient jowa
5. Risotto dinner
6. Del Mar
7. Friends
8. Surprise dress sales
9. Goya Almond Chocolates
10. Leonidas from Regi
11. Shower
12. Car aircon
13. Kermit the frog
14. Happy partners
15. Fern-C
16. Apple Cider vinegar
17. Flash drive
18. Ranting and finally stopping.

Thank you God for friends.

I just came home from Cat's bridal shower.

And I guess there's nothing like spending quality time with good ol' friends to get to know yourself again. I had a mirror held straight up to my face. And the realizations are as bright as the fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingernails. Last night was a spa session cum all-nighter/early dawn catch-up. This morning, while we ate breakfast and sat at the cusp of once again entering our own realities, we held mirrors to each others' faces and saw what each of us saw in the other. After almost two decades of friendship with these people, seeing them again never fails to remind me of just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people to keep me grounded when I stray too far, and lift me up when I've forgotten who I am, who I can be, and just how wonderful life already is, just being here, now.


For some reason, getting older makes it a conscious effort to be happy. No longer am I the kid whose Saturday banig-mornings in front of the all-morning cartoons was reason enough to be elated with the 9:00 Saturday sunshine. There are things to be done, things to be flustered with, matters that can no longer be relegated to the next free day. But having the same old people telling you things as they see it, or rather showing you your colors as they see them--lets you step on the breaks and realize once again...I'm still the same person. And being happy doesn't have to be hard. Sure the morning cartoons have changed; but the reasons to be thankful for yet another new day, another new Saturday sunshine, as always, still abound.

The hollow feeling that comes with age is actually a matter of perspective and choice. Today I choose to be happy.


Reasons to be thankful for this Saturday:
1. Great great friends
2. Pink nail polish
3. A good massage
4. Un-strict hotel rules
5. A surprisingly fun Tagaytay work-trip
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Love
8. Absolut Mango
9. Boys over flowers
10. Prayer
11. Perspective
12. Life.


p.s.
God, thanks for the Christmas gift that came last wednesday.
add'l thing to be thankful for: Answered Prayers. Wedding plans are on-track. Will finally have a children's book published :)

Thank you God for friends.

I just came home from Cat's bridal shower.

And I guess there's nothing like spending quality time with good ol' friends to get to know yourself again. I had a mirror held straight up to my face. And the realizations are as bright as the fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingernails. Last night was a spa session cum all-nighter/early dawn catch-up. This morning, while we ate breakfast and sat at the cusp of once again entering our own realities, we held mirrors to each others' faces and saw what each of us saw in the other. After almost two decades of friendship with these people, seeing them again never fails to remind me of just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people to keep me grounded when I stray too far, and lift me up when I've forgotten who I am, who I can be, and just how wonderful life already is, just being here, now.


For some reason, getting older makes it a conscious effort to be happy. No longer am I the kid whose Saturday banig-mornings in front of the all-morning cartoons was reason enough to be elated with the 9:00 Saturday sunshine. There are things to be done, things to be flustered with, matters that can no longer be relegated to the next free day. But having the same old people telling you things as they see it, or rather showing you your colors as they see them--lets you step on the breaks and realize once again...I'm still the same person. And being happy doesn't have to be hard. Sure the morning cartoons have changed; but the reasons to be thankful for yet another new day, another new Saturday sunshine, as always, still abound.

The hollow feeling that comes with age is actually a matter of perspective and choice. Today I choose to be happy.


Reasons to be thankful for this Saturday:
1. Great great friends
2. Pink nail polish
3. A good massage
4. Un-strict hotel rules
5. A surprisingly fun Tagaytay work-trip
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Love
8. Absolut Mango
9. Boys over flowers
10. Prayer
11. Perspective
12. Life.


p.s.
God, thanks for the Christmas gift that came last wednesday.
add'l thing to be thankful for: Answered Prayers. Wedding plans are on-track. Will finally have a children's book published :)

Sweet n' Sour

Sometimes you find yourself in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation.
And it sucks big time.
When you don't act, you end up bleeding yourself to death trying not to make the other person know how you're hurting just being there.
But if you do act, you still end up hurting that other person. Even if acting merely means moving away.

And then the song plays, "Everybody hurts, sometimes."

Yep. We hurt. As in--we ache, and we inflict pain.

At some point, aren't we all hurting. And isn't it just a matter of not looking at the wound so we wouldn't be reminded that there is a part of us that is in pain.

Sometimes I ask God, "Why don't you just give us what we want, don't you want us to be happy?"

And in my head, He says "Because I want IT to be worth it."

Cey: What's the point?
God: You've been past it several times and you still haven't gotten it? Doesn't the chocolate cake taste better when you've waited for it for such a long time for it to finally arrive on your plate--all glossy and reeking of lovely choco...
Cey: We're digressing...
God: We're not.
Cey: I sorta get Your point about things being worth it in the end--but why can't you just spare us the pain?

And for some reason, I can't continue this line of questioning because I do, sorta kinda know the answer.

Actually, it's more like I know the bottomline. Not to be preachy or anything, but I know, that He does love us.

But sometimes I can't help but wish that He'd bring Paradise right here right now, for us to enjoy while we want it. While we need it.

While the song still plays, "Everybody hurts...sometimes."

Sometimes. I find respite in that word. At least it's not 'everytime'.

Then I remember what Sheryl, a college buddy, once told me waaayyy back as I ranted about heartaches and puppy-love pains: "You're so lucky."

I was dumbfounded. But she expounded on her cryptic message, saying she'd give anything to feel the 'pain', because she only heard about it...from people who experienced stuff. Experienced, not just heard or read about it.

Pain, like the pain on my back reminds me to keep it straight.
in my tummy, tells me to eat (yet again)
in my heart, tells me I might've done the same thing to someone dear; or that I should try not to make others feel its sting.

It's a part of feeling the limbs and appendages that hang away from our heart. I'm alive, the pain says.

But shouldn't pleasure say the same thing?

And then a voice in my head says, "Remember that time when you had too much ice cream?"

Ahh.

Arayat vibe

When I look to my right, I’ll see the sky and the mountain, to my left is a pink swing that seats two. Beside it is the water pump, old-style.

Right outside the fence sits a family of goats. All white. Mom and kids waiting under the shadow of the neighbor’s fence. And some stray dogs waiting for some leftovers. One of them—a female dog that always looks like she’s just given birth, again, my mom calls as ‘Friend’ when she throws pieces of bread towards her. A new one, a dog with a black slightly sinister looking face looks up to me. Nah, but he didn’t really look all that bad. He had good eyes.

We’ve got a lot of trees around here. Not too much to make the house all dark and gloomy, but enough to cool the air around and give enough shade for when we take the tables outside to eat pretty much all our meals except for dinner, because it usually gets too cold. Hamog.

We’ve got 4 dogs. Bruce guards the forefront. Spike and Labang roam around. Cali’s on the other lot. Old Cali. Going down the same path as Kayla and Simba. I hope not too soon though. But I wish he’d still enjoy the precious time he’s got.

You’ll hear the birds chirping. Not only in the mornings, but even in the afternoon. And Blackjack, I forgot about Blackjack, the cat that roams outside pretty much the whole day finding mates, then comes back home to eat and play for awhile.

When you’re here, time drags its feet. And there’s nothing much to decide except whether to sleep or eat…or maybe watch dvd’s or downloaded videos. Time. Precious time just lying around for the taking. To be used for the things you’ve never had the time for. I forgot to bring books. Maybe because I’ve got a whole slew of videos all lined up.

Mom and dad are out. When they get back (with Tita Agnes, maybe), we’ll probably eat again…then talk about stuff. Different things, anything, but usually going around on a happy tone.

Ate Yolly and I just finished lunch at 3pm. Sat down and ate under the trees. With the birds giving us music and the slight moaning of the dogs asking for more food (they’ve already had lunch and still got a lot of dog food in their pans, but I guess it’s a matter of habit to ask for more). And we sat there talking about how she had been spending her days here while she tended the home while Cristy & Angie--her nieces who usually take care of the house, are on Christmas vacation.

Its icky to admit, but I’ve thought that maybe I’m experiencing a hint of withdrawal syndrome from work…Okay, and now, the thought has passed.

I guess with all this wonderful, precious windchimey chirpy chirpy state of idleness I find myself at a loss as to how I should handle it.

But as I washed my feet to get ready to get back to bed, I told myself to just enjoy it. That’s the art of idleness after all. And now I’m back, deciding on whether to sleep or watch more videos—but I chose to write this down first lest I forget about the ‘specialness’ of this wonderful gift…of idleness, and peach. Peach. Peace I mean. (Peaches, that I love too.)

Thank you God for this gift. This is Christmas. Arayat style.

Dreams do come true, even in the real world.

Astig!

===

(From money.cnn.com -Business 2.0: My Golden Rule)

Ivan Seidenberg
Chairman and CEO, Verizon
My first boss -- he was the building superintendent, and I was a janitor -- watched me sweep floors and wash walls for almost a year before he mentioned that I could get tuition for college if I got a job with the phone company. When I asked him why he'd waited so long, he said, "I wanted to see if you were worth it."

The message: Work hard, have high standards, and stick to your values, because somebody's always watching.

===

Janitor to CEO. Totoo pala yun :)

Things to be thankful for today:
1. Google
2. Amazing (free) reads on the internet...fortune.com, cnn.com
3. twitter. para sa mga tamad maghanap ng trends.
4. Friday night.
5. Pears
6. Amazing sunshine
7. Bioflu, Decolgen, and the cold that didn't turn into a weekend bummer.
8. moved deadlines. yey!
9. love
10. Godwhispersclub.com
11. No-work weekend!
12. Acceptance
13. Counting blessings
14. Big Bang Theory
15. Tofu
16. Waking up without the alarm clock!

:)

Naalala ko bigla yung mga Sabadong gumigising ako't excited kumain ng taho. Tapos tutunganga lang sa harap ng tv at uubusin ang mga cartoons sa umaga bago maligo...Masaya lang, masaya.

Anong kinalaman nun kay Ivan Seidenberg, kela Warren Buffet at sa iba pang kasama sa article sa taas, beats me. Pero masarap lang isipin that the world is filled with so many inspiring people, at mraming rason para maging masaya kahit hindi Sabado bukas.

Pero Sabado bukas! Yeeehaw.

p.p.s
sabi ni pareng ivan 'somebody's always watching.'
Uhm God, pwede matanong...I know you're watching, uhm, so how am I faring? Wala na kasing classcard ngayon e...di ko alam kung anong grade ko. Thanks.

Blues out. Yellows in.

There's nothing like getting 8 hours of sleep on a work night. That sounds...urk...sad? Reeks of some complaining even.

Okay, erase, erase. Of course there are a lot of things much like getting 8 hours of sleep. It's not the greatest thing in the world, but it does make one see the better things in life easier. Like say, not being too tired to read, or write, or see that the sun's up and the dust particles are dancing around once more basking in what Ms. Tiambeng described as the Tyndall effect. I don't know if I remembered it right, but the happy memories of seeing sunny Sunday lighting feels just about right.

Thing is, last week's been quite a downer..for no apparent reason. Of course there are reasons, but not legitimate ones, not reasonable enough to feel sad. But who's to say what's reason enough to feel sad? I can. I should. At least for my life, I should know what should and shouldn't get me down. Sometimes I feel like a living a movie with the director giving real-time commentary. The director says don't do this, don't feel that, but the actor won't listen. The hard part is, they're one and the same person. HAh, sounds schizo to me.

Must've watched too much of John Nash. (Mental Note: Truly touching documentary from Jenny. "Brilliant Madness")

Weniwei, to get off the overly-dramatic mode, I said, "I resign."

Not from work. But from being the diva director. Sometimes I get too engrossed with making this opus turn out into a blockbuster that I forget to have fun. So I told God, "I resign." Turned over the reins to Him once more, and took my seat as asst. director of this show called life.

It still hasn't been all bright and sunny Kermity-froggy all happy happy lately, but things have been coming along well. Cue in, uplifting music right about...here. :)


Things to be happy about on a Wednesday:
1. 8 hours of sleep
2. choco-chip mini empanadas
3. Jenny liking the story (me, finishing the story!)
4. good people around
5. chicken bbq
6. happy daddy & mommy
7. knowing that things will be all right
8. approved boards
9. Bo Sanchez!
10. appreciation
11. beautiful sunsets even on foggy days

If cars had souls

10.28.09

This morning I pushed a car. Not just any car, I pushed Tatau. For the first few seconds I did it alone, until a helpful sidewalk vendor and his friend Ate Metro Aide came to my rescue. I didn’t know how to jumpstart a car, so dad had to take the wheel.

So we crossed Buendia, me in my glorious lemon yellow shirt, pushing a red car for all the world, well, for all the frontliners along that intersection, to see.

Embarrassing? Not really. Early morning work-out, definitely.

Weniwei, I still can’t get over the fact that even as cars have no souls, Tatau seems to care. Yes, the fanbelt wore out that’s why the battery didn’t charge. But it still carried on until it couldn’t run no more. It stopped a few meters from dad’s office.

And in the evening, the engine overheated…while we were still near dad’s office. So the necessary first aid was administered. Dad taught me a lesson about not opening the radiator cover when it’s smoking hot. “Wag kang matataranta pag nag-overheat” He said. Just pour some water on the radiator. Wait for it to cool down a few seconds. Wrap your hands to protect yourself when you carefully open the radiator cap—provided you’ve already let it cool down a bit…you’ll know once the steam stops from blowing over. Much like handling some hotheaded person, like say…me.

Dad had car troubles 3 times over. Twice with Tatau, once during midday when he took an office service to visit their Manila office. On all occasions, the cars conked out a few meters from his office---just at the right place & time (if there ever is a ‘right time’ for something to conk out) if you may.

And as we drove home we talked about Tatau. How he’s never let us down. He’s an old car. I’ve had it since college, and we bought it second hand. We didn’t meet the right way. I was still in love with Pacha—my first car (technically not mine, well, neither is Tatau—they’re both dad’s really), the blue macho Galant which we had to sell because supposedly, it guzzled gas. But really it had reasonable consumption levels. Anyway, that car never let me down too. I’ve had numerous trips to the repair shops, befriended mechanics from Servitek to the hole in the wall talyers. And everytime it had to stop (I say had, because I feel it tried to go on for as long as he safely could), it always happened in a safe place—either a few meters off a repair shop, or in a well-lit spot just right for towing. I loved that car. Felt like driving around with a sala set. I felt safe in its bigness. But we parted so suddenly. And the Blue car suddenly became red. Corolla red, as red as my eyes the day I first saw it and cried for dear Pacha.

First time I put the key in the ignition, it wouldn’t even start. Apparently one had to pump the gas pedal thrice before it starts. A quirk which only Tatau’s friends knew. But we soon became friends. And soon, the same trust I gave Pacha, Tatau earned.

I name my things. It makes them easier to talk to. I don’t know if they can hear me, but it feels like they do. Because all these years, they’ve always seemed to talk back. When Tatau’s sick, he sounds different. But normally, he’s just the type to have the quirks which probably first-hand car owners would worry about, but second-hand car drivers get used to.

(Side note: Other object names: Guitar—Billiken. After the Buddha figure in Nick Joaquin’s Woman with Two Navels, Bike—Bucciel. I’ve no idea where I got this name. Suited the bike just right. Dad’s Bike—Utoy. Pacha’s named after Cuzco’s trusted friend in The Emperor’s New Groove, Tatau…got it from the plate number. I wasn’t too fond of him when I fist met him, hence the lack of personality of the name…but as he grew on me, the name took on a happy meaning).

I have no idea if talking to cars helps them ‘care’ more. Dad’s car seems to love him too. I’m not so sure though if he talks to him. I haven’t named that one yet because I don’t get to drive it often…But when I do say sorry for hitting a pothole I say ‘Sorry baby.’ Works just fine. It’s been a good one too, all these years.

Yes, they have conked out. There were times when the aircon went out in the middle of summer. Or the alternator just broke down. Or the power steering kit leaked in the middle of EDSA, yadayadayada…but today I still write about them, because they’ve all gotten me and my loved ones from point A to Z safely, happily, gratefully, and in 99.9% of the time, with me inside and not pushing from behind. Good...no, kind cars. Kind, trusty wheely friends.

Things to be grateful for today:
1. Long weekend coming up.
2. Good, trusty vehicles.
3. Productive meetings
4. The head cold that didn't develop into a full-blown downer
5. Great books from the second-hand bookstore at UP SC--found Richard Bach's One & Antoine de Exupery's Wind, Sand and Stars!!
6. Dates with myself.
7. Macmac
8. Love all around
9. Pillows on my bed
10. Kermit, rainbows, chocolate chip cookies.
11. Oh, and helpful people! (special thanks to manong vendor and ate metro aide on the corner of Malugay & Buendia!)

HBO on a monday night

Richard Gere lifted Paula up. Kissed her passionately. Held onto her til the credits rolled, and the image was forever paused. Definitely one of the best memories for a Monday night.

She was swept off her feet. It was an image of unabated adoration. Stuff movies are made of, daydreams are painted over with, and versions of which are created in varied, albeit contextual moments in real life.


Things to be grateful for this monday night:
1. Richard Gere. Definitely an officer & a gentleman!!
2. Monday night movie with mom & dad
3. Finally watching a kilig movie and realizing that I no longer have the "I wished I had that too" feeling.
4. Because I know I already have 'that'.
5. Regi

:)

Thoughts on Bers, Dogs, Hello & Goodbye

Yesterday was the first day of Septemeber. And already, Unang Hirit had a choir singing Christmas Songs. Kahit feeling summer pa din dahil biglang umiinit ang umaga, it's undeniable, Christmas Season's just around the corner. Yep, may default happy thought na for the coming days.

===
Things I haven't been able to write about:

2 weeks ago, I went with Chaw, Atan and the Husky pack: Charlie Brown, Rainbow Brite, Luna & Firefox to BHS on an early Sunday morning to go for...ta-dah...a walk. We met up with Jace, Blu, Angus & Hershey, plus Doc & the amazing half-dog half-bear, Cash.

I haven't been around dogs for quite some time (all the doggies are in Arayat). So being with a bunch of Siberian Huskies, a beagle, a lab, and a huge golden retriever was a wonderful treat! If there was a virtual age counter that followed me around as I played with those doggies, I could've sworn that I grew younger by about 10-15 or even more years. Just thinking about them makes me want to squeeze something really hard. Gigil galore.

Quality time with some friends I haven't been with for a long time...plus playful, unbelievably malambing doggies= wonderful wonderful Sunday morning!!


Chaw asked me why I won't get my own dog. I said I didn't want to. I can't stand the thought of having to lose another dog. My first dog died last year. She was 14 years old. Kayla (whom we first thought was a boy so we named him 'Lakay'--only to find out that she was a girl so she became Kayla instead) was the kindest dog I have ever met. She would stay up with me during exam review nights that turned into days, sometimes she'd like to play outside, but I can't take her. But still she'd greet me with the same enthusiasm as if I did nothing wrong. Every single time she'd make me feel welcome, awaited, and very much loved. Even when she grew too old to stand up fast & jump. Even when her eyes had cataracts and her ears grew deaf. She would try to walk towards me and just be happy to be there. Baduy as it may sound, but simply thinking about her has got me crying. She was such a good dog. And now she's gone.

I don't want to have to go through that again. I hate goodbyes. Who doesn't. But hello's aren't forever. And the two often go together. It all depends on when the other one comes. And while it may not come abruptly or bitterly, endings for me are usually sad. Which only brings to mind the poignant truth that the hello's have been wonderful, in fact too wonderful to let go of, and say goodbye to. Better to have had that I guess than to have to pray for goodbyes right in the middle of hello.

Still I'd like to think that when we'd have kids, and they'd want to have a dog, I'd say yes. Better to have bitter goodbyes than to have nothing to cherish.

Back to some happy thoughts. Ber month's here.