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Ilang araw na lang.

2011-08-24T09:02:00.002+08:00

Rayray:

Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na pag malapit na lumabas...maa-atat ka ng todo.
Naiinip na ko sa kakaintay.
Pero a part of me is telling me, "Ay naku, sulitin mo na ang tulog mo hangga't pwede pa."
Pero may mas malaking parte na nagsasabi na, "Game na. Tara na! Kitakits na tayo Rayray!"

Kung makita mo sana ang langit ngayon, sana wag kang malulungkot kagaya ng nanay mong parang napapasimangot pag walang araw.
Baduy man, pero alam mo kung ba't ka Rayray? (Bukod sa due date mo ay feast day ni St. Raymund Nonato...at anak ka nila Regi at Ceycey--)
Kasi alam ng nanay mo na kahit ano pa man ang kundisyon ng panahon,
gaano man ka-pangit at ka-gloomy ng langit,
You'll always be their ray of sunshine.

O, wag kang ma-pressure.
Feeling ko naman di mo kailangang umeffort to be one.
Gaya ng sabi ng kanta, "I love you just the way you are."
So, kahit tulugan mo pa ko ng ilang oras. Puyatin mo ko ng ilang gabi.
Iyakan mo ko.
Pass gass any way you want to.
Or just look at me for a few minutes only to doze off again.
I know that having you will only give us way more reasons to be feeling all sunny and cheery each waking moment. Kahit ano pa man ang lagay ng panahon.

I can't wait to hear your first coos. Your first laugh.
Your first word. Nanay kaya o Tatay?
Pag labas mo, nood tayo ng Sesame Street. Sana mas gusto mo yun kesa kay Barney.
Swimming tayo.
Bulagain natin Tatay mo sa umaga.
Tambay tayo sa Powerbooks, tapos basa tayo ng mga libro.
Then you can pick your favorites tas bilhin natin para pwede mong ulit-ulitin.
Punta tayo sa mga Lolos and Lolas mo.
Magaling ka kaya kumanta o sumayaw? Ano kaya ang pang-aliw mo sa kanila?

Teka, ang advanced go na ata mag-isip.
Basta for now, sana oks ka dyan sa loob.
Sa Sabado, tatanungin ko na si Doc kung pwede na maglakad-lakad.
Para next week, sana sumakto sa Aug 31...
magkita na tayo.

Tara?

Love you.

p.s.
Sabayan mo kami ni Tatay sa pagp-pray that everything goes well ha :) See you!

Nanay

And the countdown begins.

2011-08-09T20:16:00.002+08:00

To Rayray:

It's almost unbelievable.
How in a few weeks, I'll be seeing you.
Parang kailan lang ang bagets ko pa.
Tapos ngayon, I'll be having a baget (isang baget) of my own.
Wow.
Thinking about it makes me swallow hard.
Pa'no kaya ko as a mom?
Sana kayanin ko. Well, I shouldn't be thinking about that now, right?
Dapat lang kayanin ko.
What I meant to say was, sana kayanin kong maging mabuti...awesome nanay.
Your tatay and I both have great sets of parents. Oh, you'll love your lolos and lolas.
They're wonderful and they're all waiting for you.
They're simply overflowing with lots and lots and lots of love to give.
And I can't bear the thought of short-changing you.
You deserve to have wonderful parents too.
Sana talaga kaya namin ng tatay mo.

I'm sorry about last Saturday.
You shouldn't have heard me being on the verge of a meltdown.
I was just being a brat.
Probably overwhelmed with the thought of being on the brink of a major major change.

But please know that it comes from the fear of not being good enough for you.
I don't want to be an adequate parent. I want to be the best mom I could ever be for you. You know how afraid I am of failing...at anything.
All the more in this aspect.

Right now, I'm feeling you kick.
Parang gusto mo nang lumabas.
O may gusto ka bang sabihin?
O gutom na ba tayo?

There are so many things that go on through my head. That work actually offers solace.
But prayers give me the most peace.
So please pray for me. For your tatay and me--that we'll be as God-given to you, as you are to us.

I may not look enthusiastic now, but it's just the tiredness seeping out of my eyes. But believe me, I'm so excited to see you, to hug you, to kiss you, to talk to you, to listen to you coo, to watch you kick, and see you smile.

I'm so excited to read books to you, and listen to what you have to say. We're going to have so much fun. I'm going to teach you how to swim. Your tatay's going to teach you to play ball. We'll eat ice cream (but not too much), and cake (and drink lots of water after!) And hopefully, you'll love veggies too.

We'll watch Sesame Street together. Or you tell me what fun thing you want to do, and we'll do it! (hopefully, it doesn't involve skating downhill or anything that can break bones).
Euw. See, you're not even here yet and already I'm being...such a mommy!

But really, I want you to have so much fun. Seriously.
I want you to enjoy life as much as your tatay and I do. No...even much much more than we do! I pray you'll have great dreams and will never tire of reaching for them; and you'll always have a generous heart to share the fruits with others. And that you'll always live each day knowing how much you are loved.

Osya, I'm turning mushy again.

p.s.
sana kahit malaki ka na, you'll still hug me & tatay.

luv,
nanay

From Rayray To Nanay

2011-07-19T14:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Nanay,

Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm excited to see you and tatay too. I know there are so many things going on in your head right now. They say it's normal for moms, especially for first-timers to be praning and all that. But I just want you to know that you're doing good. I'm having fun here. I'm growing well. And I'm grateful for everything you and tatay and all my lolos and lolas and titos and titas and cousins and friends and everyone's been doing for me. Thanks for praying for me.

Please don't stress over me too much. I worry about you too, you know that? So, why not let's make a pact. I'll stop worrying about you, and you stop worrying about me! Not to say that we won't care about each other anymore, it's just that...I want you to enjoy this too. I'll be out in a month. You've been through this for 8 months now, you can do it Nanay. I'll be cheering you on (from the inside!) when it's finally time for me to come out.

So...don't worry okay? I'm praying for you and tatay too. (And for all of our loved ones, friends, and everyone else you pray for every day).

It's okay for you to get hormonal from time to time. I know it's hard to be away from the sweets and the sushi and all other things nice. But as you say...it's all gonna be worth it. We're gonna have so much fun when I finally come out. Don't worry about the sleepless nights. You'll be having sweet dreams even 'til you wake up.

I can't wait to see you too Nanay.

And when I get the hiccups...I'm not just doing practice breathing; I'm telling you I love you.

:))
Rayray

To my Playmate,

2011-06-07T19:09:00.003+08:00

Sabi ng iba, pag sumisipa ka daw, kantahan kita para tumigil ka sa pagsipa.
Sabi ko, baka lalo kang mapa-sipa pag kumanta ko.

But really, I don't care how much you kick throughout the day. I enjoy every hiccup every kick, or fist bump you make. May tao na talaga sa loob. Ang galing!

As you may have heard, Nanay had to STOP (not even cut down?!) eating processed sweets. So goodbye dark chocolate macadamia cookie, goodbye alfajor, goodbye butterscotch fudge bar, goodbye Snickers Peanut Butter Bar...chocolate decadent cheesecake, fudgey-wudgey brownies...oh how my heart aches at the thought of saying goodbye.

No, I don't have diabetes. Doc's just taking the necessary precautions--and for some reason, I suspect, may have a connection with the office's CCTV cams...how else could she have known?! (uy, pero 'in moderation' lang naman, anak.)

Weniwei. The list of all the wonderfully sweet stuff on top of salmon sushi and other featured products on my food porn files that I've had to say sayonara to may cause my heart to ache a teensy-weensy bit...pero anak, hello no, we both know it's all going to be worth it :)

Yeah, kahit alam kong pag labas mo di ko pa rin sila kaagad makakain lahat dahil we're hoping to b***stfeed you for as long as I could, but just the thought of seeing you all healthy and happy makes me want to say, kahit hangin na lang ang kainin ko okay lang. (basta chocolate flavored man lang sana? joke lang.)

Magse-seven months ka na. We're so excited to see you in a few months' time. Sana September, pag-pray mo kayanin ni nanay at tatay ang lamaze.

We love you. We're always praying for you. And we feel so amazingly blessed to have you.

Fist bump,
Nanay

You kicked!

2011-04-13T09:44:00.002+08:00

Last night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep...you kicked! For the first time you kicked! I wanted to wake your Tatay up, but I knew he was tired (and what use would it be for him to put his hand on my tummy when it was highly probable that we'd have to wait for a few more hours 'til you made your presence felt again.)

But thank you for that brief moment of 'Hello.' I'm so, so, sooooooo excited to see you in a few months. Your Ate Marty and Kuya Sky can't wait to see their newest pinsan.

And yes...I'm trying to lay off the sweets...konti lang, promise.

See you Sat! Hopefully we'll know then whether to call you Baby-baby girl or Baby-baby boy.

We love you. Welcome to the world in 4 months!

Luv,
Nanay

Dinner at the Stock Market (high dividends!)

2011-02-19T22:49:00.003+08:00

For the past few Saturdays, I've been hibernating.
Mostly because I didn't have the energy to go out, just got off being sick, or just had to recharge from a tiring week.

I have been on econo-mode. I thought that the best way to conserve my energy was just to stay on the couch and be as close as possible to the bedroom for when the pillows beckon.

But tonight, I finally got to join the girls' monthly kitakits with sila Seiji. I'm not the type to blog, "Just came from dinner with the girls..." Oh but here I am, doing so. Lest I forget the feeling of coming home on a Saturday night, not feeling enervated nor feeling all the more bad when I realize I did absolutely nothing but 'recharge' or 'hibernate' to no avail.

I got it all mixed up. Apparently, pulling my ass off the couch and meeting up with good ol' friends is one of the best ways to really recharge. To hear the laughter that used to echo on the high school walls, to hear about stories about little brothers and sisters (who are now about to graduate from college?!!) At one point I felt old, but for the most part, I just felt...happy.

Happy to be in the company of people whom you knew saw you at your happiest, knew you at some of your crummiest moments, shared the totoy/nene days with you, didn't care how you looked, shared your dreams and corny jokes with. People who were part of those years you know you'll never ever forget--and you'll never tire of reminiscin' about.

And even when you talk about similar woes about long work-hours, adult issues and stuff, for the most part you just spend the evening enjoying the good food, relishing the stories, and basking in the same heart-thumping, pasta-peeping (as in teeth pasta!), syncopated laughter, that brings you back to the walls of St. Paul.

Time travel at its finest.
Energy level: high.

p.s.
Baby-baby says: See mom, choose happy :).
Ok, time for bed. Love you.

Again God, thanks for great family, great friends, and energy to enjoy them all. And thanks Regi for you-know-what.
:))

Baby, baby, baby oh.

2011-02-10T09:29:00.005+08:00

There are mornings when I wake up and the first thought that enters my head goes "Lord, be my strength."

I read that in the first 3 months of pregnancy, though your body seems to be doing nothing (net-net, you're not running around or doing jumping jacks and all that) but really, the amount of effort it's expending at the moment--just so it could produce everything the little one needs, is almost like it's climbing a mountain. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but the analogy seems appropriate. Really, because there are times when you could probably look me in the eye and tell me, "Sige nga, fall asleep." And I'll get to dreamland faster than you can count to 50; and you can do that at practically any time of the day.

I'm always hungry. But I don't know what to eat. Well, lately, anything that comes by me, I can munch down. (Although I'm hoping I'll be diligent enough to pack enough fruits in my lunch bag so I won't have to cheat with sweet treats.) And the over-sensitive sense of smell is just...just that. Over. The simplest smell could make me feel nauseous. I can't even put on my favorite lotion (well, any lotion for that matter) without feeling like reaching for the toilet bowl.

Sometimes even eating could be like lottery. You'll never know which ones will make you feel gassy the whole day, all the more nauseous, or hopefully (if you're a winner) won't bother you with a burp at all.

Oh the list of woes just seems to go on. I can almost feel the baby saying, "Mom..it's not really my fault, is it?"

And now I'm getting all teary-eyed (yes, another down-side, with mixed-up hormones that get my emotions on hyper-drive...I've been emotional before getting pregnant, that was the default mode, now imagine me high on progesterone; it's a chick-flick cry-fest.) But hormones aside, I'd still get teary-eyed at that thought.

And if I were to talk to my baby I'd tell him/her:
Cey: No, no it's not your fault.
Baby: Still, I'm sorry for making you feel all...crappy.
Cey: Aw, c'mon. It's not your fault.
Baby: If you knew it was gonna be this uncomfortable, would you still have wanted to...you know...
Cey: Don't you even dare ask that.
Baby: What.
Cey: Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't be so easy, I...I would've been afraid to get into this whole pregnancy thing...I would've thought about postponing it for a while...but then I'd think again (and of course with much consultation with your Tatay) just get on with it. (or to Marvin Gaye's joy, simply 'Get it on!')
Baby: Yeah right.
Cey: Cocky eh. Only a baby and already you've got some spunk.
Baby: I don't think that's me, that's you speaking in my voice.
Cey: Oh.
Baby: But, really? You mean that?
Cey: Let's put it this way. Remember last week? When we were pitching, and I had to stay up til 4am...and get back to the office by 730...and you didn't even give me a bit of a bother...anyway, that's beside the point. The pitch was about kids right? And...and I kept on thinking about you. And I saw you. I imagined you, looking at me, playing with me and your daddy/tatay. And you were smiling. And you're so happy. And I felt like a mom.
And I realized how excited I am to see you.
I'm so happy to have you.
And despite the fact that there are days when I can't help but wish that I'll feel better; or I just feel like I'm suddenly so old and drained. If that's what it would take to have you...
Baby: Then it's all worth it right? :)
Cey: I'm sorry, I can't think of a more profound way of saying it.
Baby: It's okay. That's more than enough.

Cey: One last thing, please help us pray that you be shielded from all the days' stress. We really want you to be a happy, healthy, normal wonderful baby boy/girl.
See you in 6 months and a week.
Baby: Ok, nanay.
Cey: Oh, and one more thing. I love you.

Things to be thankful on a Thursday

2011-01-27T10:12:00.002+08:00

1. Sipon-less breathing (pardon the graphic detail, but it feels great!)
2. Quaker Oats Cookies
3. Energy!
4. Counting down to August 31 :)
5. Counting down til the end of the first trimester!!! (goodbye sluggish self!)
6. Sesame Street
7. Kermitty Frog Notebook
8. Traffic moving along EDSA
9. Bubblegum scented elevators
10. Appetite
11. Appetite for life
12. Moms :)
13. Sky passing the entrance exam!!
14. Sleep
15. The ability to get back to sleep
16. 5 minutes before being late.
17. Exciting creative briefs
18. Thinking about eating cheese omelettes and not wanting to throw up
19. Suha
20. Buko Juice
21. Cravings and knowing where and how to get 'em
22. Bo's Feasts at the PICC
23. Regi
25. Bigggg support system
26. A loving family
27. Thoughts of Kayla, Simba and Kali...and the other dogs in Arayat
28. Imagination.
29. Looking forward to a happy, healthy, normal, absolutely wonderful Baby Boy/Girl :)
30. lurve.

In a few months, hello.

2011-01-11T09:41:00.002+08:00

Ever the planner, I hate uncertainties.
Who doesn't?
But every morning, I tell God, "Lord, I lift up to you all of my worries. And I thank you for this wonderful blessing."

Last night was the first night I slept without waking up at an ungodly hour contemplating on whether to go to the bathroom to pee, throw up or do nothing.

I told my mom, I have a renewed appreciation for mothers, now having a preview of what they had to go through just to...just to...cross-over and be somebody who used to have to worry about herself, to putting someone so tiny before her own needs.

In a few days, we'll see each other. But you'll be on an ultrasound screen, as babycenter.com said, you'll probably be the size of a lentil; but your Tatay and I will already get to hear your heartbeat.

I thought I'm not the mushy-mommy type, but just thinking about seeing you on Thursday gets me all teary-eyed. Baduy, I know. But I can't imagine how overwhelming seeing you in approximately 8 months will be.

Yes, I have fears. I dare not speak of them. That's why I've offered them all to Him who knows what's best for you, and me and your Tatay (who still can't decide if he'll be papa/daddy/tatay). But please don't feel bad that nanay's afraid. I'm just trying to adjust from being a selfish individual to a would-be mom. Bear with me, please?

And though it may not be too obvious at this point, as my consciousness usually travels between work and fending-off the gassy/acidic/sleepy/can't-quite-figure-out-what-to-eat feelings, please know that I love you. I haven't even met you yet, but I know I love you.

p.s.
"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away... :)"

Luv,
Nanay

The wonders of no TV

2010-11-05T23:47:00.002+08:00

Miracle of miracles. I got home before 6pm. Finally got around to fixing the tons of junk in my humongous office bag, talked with Gela on the phone over what’s supposed to be a teeny issue, but was something irritating enough for me, I had to vent on her (even when I knew how busy she still was; thank God for friends!), had dinner with Chawie at home and talked the night (well not the whole night) away…catching up on what we’ve missed, reminiscin’ about the good ol days, asking each other about work about loves, about anything and everything there was to talk about while we both had this precious time.

Chawie left, and I picked up the phone to call my mom and ask her how her day went. What she was doing...what she was watching...I was talking too much, she had to say goodnight first.

And as I stared at the blank wall where the TV soon will be, I felt tempted to keep it bare. The TV addict in me protests. But even she knows that this night would not have been as productive, real, and wonderfully filled with moments of old-fashioned entertainment and connections had that magical box teeming with cooking shows, movies and cartoons been here.

Sometimes it’s just nice to switch off. Other times, its even way better to not have the choice to look out at the tens of channels that give you vivid pictures of the outdoors and stories that make you fly to faraway places, or just sheer mind-numbing bleh-—because time suddenly expands and embraces everything that has always been so near yet has oft-been deprived of the proper attention. It feels good to know that tonight, because my eyes weren't glued to the screen (TV or computer!) I didn't miss a thing on life's awesome show.

Happy Friday nga naman.

16 days to go

2010-09-16T09:22:00.003+08:00

Panic has a way of making my back ache.
16 days to go and it's easy to get lost in the details and forget the fact that all these time-consuming, mind-boggling, focus shattering preparations are meant for something far more...beautiful, exciting, exhilarating...wonderfully life-changing. There's comfort in the thought that everything will be alright. I've been praying for this day. He knows what's in my heart and knows what's best for me...starting October 2--for me & the man I'm going to be spending forever with.

There's nothing left to do, but enjoy the ride.

sunny-side up

2010-07-03T03:03:00.002+08:00

Someday i wish to learn how to cook. More like, I have to learn how to cook, because some of the greatest things in life don't always come ready to be taken in. They have to be chopped to be understood, put on the heat to be tested, and mixed together just so they'll be fun to have, oh, and seasoned to taste.

Seasoned...the way seasons can never truly be measured or commanded with certainty. But the right taste, just happens.

Things I am grateful for today:
1. Night out with Regi
2. Twilight (yes I know I should be too old for those teenybopper stuff, but there's no denying how this mind-numbing entertainment simply is...fun)
3. lovely family
4. saturday!
5. good tatau and wadub
6. honesty
7. tears that stop
8. doors waiting to be opened
9. clarity
10. friends
11. understanding minds
12. surprise babaw kilig moments
13. listerine
14. my baby picture staring at me as i write this
15. the prospect of a good night's sleep
16. the dream where i was driving a red top-down porsche...which wasn't mine, a friend just made me drive it so I could...I dunno, forgot why (but even in my dreams, I knew I had to be practical!)
17. retainers

Wednesday, I'm in love.

2010-06-23T20:35:00.002+08:00

with myself! Hah! Narcissistic b**ch. Joke lang. I am in love with people who make my heart thump with joy, and I am in love with the fact that today I am not the whining prick who just can't seem to get enough of life's dramas.

And so, I finished the things that needed to be done, got to go to mass on a cool Wednesday night. And tonight, I'll go home, at peace, and with the comforting knowledge that prayers are always answered.

Things to be thankful for this Wednesday:
1. Tuna surprise--tuna sandwich with chicharon, no joke
2. Cool walk back from the Gbelt Chapel
3. Appreciated work
4. Early time out
5. second hand cool finds
6. The Wonder Team---back home, right here, everywhere, and the knowledge that i'm not alone
7. pears
9. Boh Tea from Robby
10. Cool comfy shoes! Love 'em.
11. Moved deadlines
12. Wedding Preps on-track
13. Loved ones who love back
14. AFC, saved episodes of Chef at Home/ French Cooking at Home/ Cook's Tour in my head.
15. Cheesecake!!
16. The joys of an alternate identity
17. Lovelovelove

Thanks God. Ikaw talaga oo.

Saan nagtatago ang happiness

2010-06-17T21:39:00.002+08:00

Sorry to borrow the title from a movie.

Pero saan nga ba?
Sa likod ba ng pera? Sa tagumpay?
Sa pagsabi ng ibang tao ng "Wow, ang galing mo naman."
Sa pagtanggap ng taos-pusong 'Thank You.'
Sa pakikinig ng magandang kanta nang di mo inaasahan.
Sa kaalaman na magunaw man ang mundo may isang kamay...dalawa...lima...higit sa sampung kamay na alam mong hinding-hindi ka iiwanan?
Sa kaalaman na matutulog ka sa gabi nang nagawa mo lahat ng kailangan mong gawin, at bukas ganun uli, pero mas masaya.
Sa pagkain ng chocolate cheesecake
at ang pantasya na hinding-hindi ka tataba kahit di ka magpakapagod para i-burn ang linchok na calories na katapat ng bawat subo.

At pagsusulat nang walang pakialam kung mahuhusgahan ka ba o hindi.
Sa masarap na pagkain
Sa kawalan ng iniisip
O kaya sa pagkakaroon ng sangkatutak na kailangang isipin pero alam mong lahat magiging okay sa huli.
Sa libreng parking
Sa picture ng masayahing bata sa harap ng computer mo.
Sa mga drayber na nakakasalubong na kahit gitgitan e pagbibigyan ka ng walang mura o bad finger na kasabay.

Sa mga bulaklak sa Dangwa
Lalo na yung mura kahit mahal na dapat.

Sa mga tunay na kaibigan
Sa mga magulang na walang sawang nakikinig sa mga bagay na malamang walang kwenta na para sa ibang tao, pero buong-puso pa rin nilang pagtitiyagaan
Sa mga bagay na gagawin nila para sa'yo ng walang sumbat.
Sa Ate at Kuya, bayaw at hipag na kahit matanda ka na e tinatrato ka paring baby sa pag-aalaga
Sa mga pamangkin na minamahal ka kahit na masungit ka sa kanila minsan
Sa mga salita, sa mga kamay na marunong mag-type.

Sa mga panahong wala lang, na lalong nagpapatingkad sa mga panahong wow, yeba.
Sa pag-iisa
Sa reklamo--teka, nasan ang happiness dun?
Well, pag nawala ang reklamo, andun ang happiness.

Nuong bata ako, di ko maintay tumanda.
Para makasama ko sa Ate ko at Kuya ko sa Star City ba yun o Boom na Boom.
Di ko akalaing walang carnival ang tatapat sa saya ng pagtatarang nang wala lang dun sa labas ng bahay kasama ng mga kalaro kong walang ibang kailangang isipin kundi ang maabot ang base nang di nahuhuli ng taya.

Tapos madilim na, at kailangan nang umuwi. Maliligo. Makikipag-away ng konti kay Ate Yolly kasi tinatamad ako, pero di dapat matulog ng madumi.

Tapos bukas maglalaro uli.

Basta masaya lang.

Naisip ko lang, nung bata ako, ni minsan ata di ko natanong kung 'San nga ba nagtatago ang happiness.

Kasi hindi 'to nagtago. Hindi kailangang hanapin, kasi andyan lang parati.
O baka hanggang ngayon di naman nagtatago.
Pero parang mas romantic lang ang buhay pag may drama.
Para may rason mag-blog.
Nah.

Minsan tinatanong ko si God, "Kung gusto mong maging masaya lahat ng tao, ba't di mo na lang bigay yung gusto nila?"
Pero ika nga ni Morgan Freeman bilang 'God' sa Bruce Almighty, "Since when did you know what you really wanted?"

onga naman. Hindi ba pwedeng broad strokes lang, like, "God, gusto ko maging masaya forever and ever." Yun yung objective, bahala na po kayo sa execution. But what about free will, He asks. Then I'll say, "Ok lang, kayo na po bahala, mas alam Nyo naman kung anong makakabuti sa'kin diba?"

God: Wala nang excitement
Cey: E, interesado lang naman po ako sa bottomline
God: Edi ako na lang sana nabuhay para sa'yo. Ba't pa kita nilagay sa mundo kung ano din pala gagawa ng mga desisyon.
Cey: Hmm...may point. Pero, ayoko na 'pong magkamali. Malungkot kaya.
God: Ba't naman, natututo ka naman.
Cey: O, which brings me back to my original point, kung bibigay Mo rin lang yung ice cream, ba't kailangan pa ng obstacle course?
Feeling ko naman ganun din ang lasa ng ice cream kahit ilagay mo sa tuktok ng Mt. Everest o kung lagay Nyo na lang sa harap ko, diba?
God: The journey makes the ice cream worth it.
Cey: But I just want the ice cream! Ok, let's quit the metaphors. I just want to be happy! All the time! I want everyone I love, ok fine, let's just make this universal, I want the whole world to be happy. Like we're all on drugs or something. High on pure joy.
God: Kahit walang rason, ganun? Lutang ka lang?
Cey: Oo. Este, opo. Diba mas...ok yun? Parang cartoons. Si Spongebob, masaya parati.
God:...
Cey: Yes...?
God: Ayoko na magsalita. Wala ka namang ibang gagawin kundi kontrahin ako ngayon e.
Cey: ...
God: Pero alam mo naman na, okay, I hate to be cheesy...pero alam mo naman na...you know...
Cey: Na mahal mo ko?
God: Euw, ang cheesy ng dating, basta alam mo na yun.
Cey: Well, oo.
God: Di pa ba enough yun?
Cey: Enough naman. Pero bakit...bakit parang alam mo yun, okay naman dapat lahat, pero di pa din masaya...well, masaya as in a few notches above malungkot, but not happy- happy-yey-may-pasalubong-na-sambos-si-daddy-kagaya-nung-7-years-old-ako-kind-of-happy.
God: 7 years old ka pa ba?
Cey: Hindi na.
God: O e ba't yun pa rin hinahanap mo?
Cey: Ewan, parang mas simple lang dati.
God: Simple pa rin naman ngayon e. Ma-drama ka lang talaga. Diba yung mga hiniling mo naman dati nakuha mo ngayon?
Cey: Well...
God: Hey, give me some credit here.
Cey: O...o...
God: O, e ba't sinasabi mong malungkot ka pa din? Na 'di ko binibigay yung gusto mo. Binibigay ko naman, not in the exact form that you want them to be in, but you know, oh c'mon cey, you know you always get what you want. Kahit iba yung execution, you know that I'm always on-strat. The objective being: to make you...and the people you love happy.
Stop sulking. Umuwi ka na nga. Alam mo, pagod ka lang.
Whatever issues you may have, well, they may still be there tomorrow. But I'm telling you they'll be much smaller when you look at them again tomorrow.

Cey: Sige na nga. Basta God, wag Nyo kong bibigyan ng problema ha? Ok na ko sa sunog, life-changing enough na yun para sakin. Healthy, happy, lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay. Tapos basta, alam Nyo na yun.

God: Uwi ka na kasi.
Cey: Sa'yo?! Wag muna!
God: Pilosopo.
Cey: Joke lang.
God: Masaya ka na? Wag ka na kasi ma-drama.

Basahin mo na lang 'to uli bukas. 'Yang happiness-happiness na hinahanap mong yan, you'll realize that it's staring right back at you.

May katok na ata ako, kinakausap ko yung sarili ko. Masaya lang ilabas.
In the spirit of rationalization, eto na lang ang form of prayer ko for today.

uwi na ko.

Things I am grateful for on a Monday

2010-06-07T09:05:00.002+08:00

1. Latin Dance with Regi
2. Endorphins!
3. Big Bang Theory
4. Dates with Mommy & Daddy
5. Warm clam chowder
6. That tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks
7. No more 'Please don't sit here' sign at that tiny corner at the children's section of Powerbooks.
8. Dates with myself
9. Impromptu date with Regi
10. Morning messages from Kathy San Blas
11. Working aircon
12. Kind cars
13. Drivers who give way
14. Cool Monday morning
15. Love
16. Less than 4 months 'til forever :)
17. The power of thank you.

God, as always, please take my hand today.

What's up doc?

2010-06-03T22:07:00.002+08:00

If a bunny rabbit came by and asked me this question. I'd be...first I'd wonder if water can get you drunk. Then I'd be dumbfounded. Not by the talking bunny. But by the question.

I honestly don't know. I'm not sure about what's up. But I'm pretty sure, somebody's feeling down.

Still Seneca's words come to mind, "Humans love to touch the wounds that hurt." or something like that. I don't even think a warm chocolate chip cookie would do the trick. A big hug, maybe. Maybe.

Asim Chronicles

2010-06-01T01:16:00.003+08:00

Perhaps one of the reasons why I'm praying that God give me more time on earth is because I don't want to face St. Peter and give him a pathetic answer to the question: So Cey, what have you done with your life?

I might not be able to give a fully accurate answer. But it would go a little something like this.
(pardon the asim...)

Cey: Uhm...well...I made ads.

St. Peter: Yun lang?
Cey: E, pa'no pa po, I had to sleep at some point.
St. Peter: Oh, ano pa, siguro naman may iba ka pang nagawa.
Cey: (mentions some good things she remembers)
St. Peter: Teka, teka, ma-balik tayo sa una mong sinabi. You made ads?
Cey: Opo.
St. Peter: You spent ___% of your adult life making ads, ni hindi ka man nagka-7+, wala kang international award, ni local award wala ka...my gulay how do you expect me to let you in here?!
Cey: Ang harsh mo naman. Este. Po. Harsh nyo po.
St. Peter: Hello, diba sabi ni St. Augustine, "Whatever you do, do it well, and you have praised God." Judging by the figures, I don't think you did such a great job.
Cey: Ay, grabe, harsh.
St. Peter: Duh. So, pa'no na?

Tapos sana magising na ko.

Hay.

Okay, tama na break. Back to work. Yipeedoodledoo.

And then a part of me says, "Be grateful may trabaho ka."
Hay sorry God, I am thankful for having a job. But, I just had to vent :c

And to end on a positive note. (Parang atsara, may asim pero may humahabol na tamis.)
God...I'm not sure exactly what to ask for, but you know what I need. And you know what's in my heart. Oh, and thank you for the resistensya builders. And for family, and friends. And love.

Yup...there are more things in life other than deadlines.

Things I am grateful for today

2010-05-28T09:10:00.000+08:00

1. Friday! Yey!
2. Asparagus
3. Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar
4. Simpsons
5. Siblings
6. Nephews & Nieces
7. comfy slippers
8. un-sticky weather
9. Sacred Space!
10. Justin Timberlake
11. Cassava Cookies
12. Binondo
13. Dress Fittings at 1am
14. Awakenings
15. Friends who stay
16. Friends who walk away
17. But care for you from afar.
18. Flowers
19. Free Parking
20. Energy for the weekend and more
21. Mommy, Daddy, Ate Yolly
21. Regi
22. Batcave
23. Dates with myself
24. The smell of new books
25. Children's section at Powerbooks
26. Pumpkin soup

RIP Kitty

2010-05-06T09:11:00.000+08:00

Today I killed a cat.
I wished it meant something different. I wished it was just some figurative expression for killing something, basta something that wasn't really a living thing. But the truth is, i did kill a cat. Well, it was, a kitten.
To make the crime more heinous, it was probably a week-old calico kitten. Saw it this morning with its mom and brother/sister kitten. Before I backed out of the driveway, we (my mom, Ate Dang and I) shooed them away from the car. But for some weird reason, the precarious third member of the entourage managed to run back to my front wheel just as I backed out. I saw the horror in my mom's face. I felt so bad. So indescribably bad.

As with a lot of things that happen; well, as with a lot of things that solicit more than the usual emotions for me, I turn to Him, usually with a whining question of "Why?!"
Exactly, Why did that have to happen to an innocent little kitten. Would've felt less remorse if I ran over the toes of a corrupt government official. Perhaps, that would bring an altogether positive reaction from me.

Anyway, it just felt so...unnecessary. Why have a supposedly nice morning ruined by a killing? Then thoughts about me feeling bad about this kitten, and rationalizing thoughts of me having spared the poor cat a future of hardship, of toiling through garbage in search for food. Yeah right. And at that moment, I felt life shifting beliefs. I wondered if reincarnation was real. No, I wished, reincarnation was/ is true. That the cat was suddenly reincarnated into another, happier version of itself. That it was somewhere being born to richer cat parents. That it will live a life of comfort. That its death would somehow be for its own good.

But remorse was a nagging b*tch. Not just for the poor kitty, but for the fact that it died for nothing; and by my own doing. Then I wondered, do people who kill other people feel the same thing? Or do they also numb the pain by rationalizing the act with the thought that 'it was for their own good'? Then thoughts about political killings crossed my mind. The senselessness of it all. The remorse we feel for poor kittens and hungry puppies, and the numbness we feel at the poverty and hunger of humans. How normal they've become, that seeing them no longer elicits remorse or thoughts and wishes of making things better.

I digress. But those thoughts did come to me as I traversed Makati Ave; even when I tried to drown them in 98.7 wind music. I tried to put them to a halt with a thought that it's all in the past and it's time to move on. That the day has to go on. And I switched to another channel--one where I saw the kitty happily playing in heaven. Then I said a little prayer for him/her.

And I prayed that something happier, way happier event would neutralize this morning remorse.

Things to be grateful for today:
Okay, this is kinda hard.

1. No more sipon.
2. One more day 'til Saturday
3. Paid insurance bill
4. Ok Cey, put some more effort...endorphins
5. Fitflops
6. No morning bumper to bumper traffic
7. Sky, Marty & Bea
8. Happy, healthy family
9. Blue skies
10. Book's about to be available at National (that's more like it)
11. water.
12. Energy to wake up and get off the bed

Thankful Tuesday

2010-04-27T10:26:00.000+08:00

Conscious Effort. Here goes:

1. Understanding parents
2. Heat that doesn't burn
3. Aircon
4. Warm soup (plus point 3)
5. Spongebob and Patrick
6. Laughter
7. Chocolates
8. Pure orange juice, no ice. Big Chill without the chill.
9. Chocovron. And Regi's joy when he has one.
10. Unsolicited smiles
11. Surprise messages
12. Understanding jowa
13. Thoughts that would quiet down
14. Water
15. Hair clips
16. Pimples that didn't leave pockmarks
17. The memory of UP's tree-lined avenues and walking on them on a non-sticky 7am morning
18. The ability to channel happy memories at will
19. Imagining sleep
20. Waking up and knowing that everything will be alright. Rock-a-bye.

Mentally Constipated then this.

2010-04-17T10:40:00.000+08:00

With so many things happening I can't seem to stay put and just enjoy the moment. I know I should, but I can't help but rush off to the next task lest I run the risk of listening to my horrid thoughts on defeat and purpose and being tired and going off and looking for that one thing that's supposed to make all these things worth it.

Ah, the joy of rambling.

Just came from Boracay. What was supposed to be one of the most wonderful places in the whole wide world for me was practically smeared by the foul stench of defeat. I hate to admit it, but it still hurts. I kept on asking God, if you knew that I wouldn't win, why even bother giving me the chance to join again?

But I know the answers. The usual suspects that go: There is a purpose for all these. You've had your chance then, it's time for other to reap the European harvest. But why rub it in my face God?

What's the point?

I have always made it a point to end my blogposts in a more or less positive note. But for this time, I am not so sure how this thing would go.
There is comfort in knowing that there is a Grand Plan, but when you feel like you're still in the process of discovering how it all unfolds, the labor pains just seem so unbearable. It's like you're reading a Choose your own Adventure Book and would rather skip to the end and know how it all turns out.

A part of me wants to to...actually, has already told Him, "Labo mo God."
Blasphemous I know. And for fear of being struck by lightning I said, "Ay, sorry. Pero please, bigay mo na sakin 'tong moment na 'to. Let me sulk."

And sulk I did the whole night when defeat was once again rubbed oh so sweetly like carabao dung on my face. I wish it'd work like fertilizer and make good things grow on my head.

Despite the failure, I know that I should still be thankful. That's what they all say. From the rubbles of defeat I shall rise. Bah. Way easier said than done.

I have resisted writing about this. Because I've wanted this blog to be about the things I want to look back on, things I want to reminisce about. Defeat doesn't exactly leave a sweet tingling sensation.

But I guess no matter how much I ramble or think out "Labo mo God" I know I will get to that point when I will look back on this post and laugh at the angsty comments. And be thankful that it did happen, because I became a better person (I don't know yet how at this point) because of dung dung defeat.

Mommy says: Things like these happen so you won't forget Him. You may pray when you're happy, but you pray differently when you're down.

And so I tell Him, "Sincerely, at this point God, ang labo. Do you want me to go on with this path or to go the other way? Should I forge on, or is this a sign to look away? Defeatist? Pragmatist? Weirdly-optimistic? Which one should I be? Whatever it is, please make the signs clear, as you can see I have very bad vision. And I rant when I fall down. So please take my hand, lead me, please? Kasi kung malabo ka, I concede, mas malabo ako."

Things to be thankful for today:
1. Jellybeans from mommy
2. Medical City's night-shift opthalmologist
3. Mommy's eyes are healing well
4. Patient jowa
5. Risotto dinner
6. Del Mar
7. Friends
8. Surprise dress sales
9. Goya Almond Chocolates
10. Leonidas from Regi
11. Shower
12. Car aircon
13. Kermit the frog
14. Happy partners
15. Fern-C
16. Apple Cider vinegar
17. Flash drive
18. Ranting and finally stopping.

Thank you God for friends.

2010-01-24T02:45:00.000+08:00

I just came home from Cat's bridal shower.

And I guess there's nothing like spending quality time with good ol' friends to get to know yourself again. I had a mirror held straight up to my face. And the realizations are as bright as the fluorescent pink nail polish on my fingernails. Last night was a spa session cum all-nighter/early dawn catch-up. This morning, while we ate breakfast and sat at the cusp of once again entering our own realities, we held mirrors to each others' faces and saw what each of us saw in the other. After almost two decades of friendship with these people, seeing them again never fails to remind me of just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people to keep me grounded when I stray too far, and lift me up when I've forgotten who I am, who I can be, and just how wonderful life already is, just being here, now.

For some reason, getting older makes it a conscious effort to be happy. No longer am I the kid whose Saturday banig-mornings in front of the all-morning cartoons was reason enough to be elated with the 9:00 Saturday sunshine. There are things to be done, things to be flustered with, matters that can no longer be relegated to the next free day. But having the same old people telling you things as they see it, or rather showing you your colors as they see them--lets you step on the breaks and realize once again...I'm still the same person. And being happy doesn't have to be hard. Sure the morning cartoons have changed; but the reasons to be thankful for yet another new day, another new Saturday sunshine, as always, still abound.

The hollow feeling that comes with age is actually a matter of perspective and choice. Today I choose to be happy.

Reasons to be thankful for this Saturday:
1. Great great friends
2. Pink nail polish
3. A good massage
4. Un-strict hotel rules
5. A surprisingly fun Tagaytay work-trip
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Love
8. Absolut Mango
9. Boys over flowers
10. Prayer
11. Perspective
12. Life.

p.s.
God, thanks for the Christmas gift that came last wednesday.
add'l thing to be thankful for: Answered Prayers. Wedding plans are on-track. Will finally have a children's book published :)

Thank you God for friends.

2010-01-23T10:49:00.001+08:00

Sweet n' Sour

2010-01-12T13:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you find yourself in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation.
And it sucks big time.
When you don't act, you end up bleeding yourself to death trying not to make the other person know how you're hurting just being there.
But if you do act, you still end up hurting that other person. Even if acting merely means moving away.

And then the song plays, "Everybody hurts, sometimes."

Yep. We hurt. As in--we ache, and we inflict pain.

At some point, aren't we all hurting. And isn't it just a matter of not looking at the wound so we wouldn't be reminded that there is a part of us that is in pain.

Sometimes I ask God, "Why don't you just give us what we want, don't you want us to be happy?"

And in my head, He says "Because I want IT to be worth it."

Cey: What's the point?
God: You've been past it several times and you still haven't gotten it? Doesn't the chocolate cake taste better when you've waited for it for such a long time for it to finally arrive on your plate--all glossy and reeking of lovely choco...
Cey: We're digressing...
God: We're not.
Cey: I sorta get Your point about things being worth it in the end--but why can't you just spare us the pain?

And for some reason, I can't continue this line of questioning because I do, sorta kinda know the answer.

Actually, it's more like I know the bottomline. Not to be preachy or anything, but I know, that He does love us.

But sometimes I can't help but wish that He'd bring Paradise right here right now, for us to enjoy while we want it. While we need it.

While the song still plays, "Everybody hurts...sometimes."

Sometimes. I find respite in that word. At least it's not 'everytime'.

Then I remember what Sheryl, a college buddy, once told me waaayyy back as I ranted about heartaches and puppy-love pains: "You're so lucky."

I was dumbfounded. But she expounded on her cryptic message, saying she'd give anything to feel the 'pain', because she only heard about it...from people who experienced stuff. Experienced, not just heard or read about it.

Pain, like the pain on my back reminds me to keep it straight.
in my tummy, tells me to eat (yet again)
in my heart, tells me I might've done the same thing to someone dear; or that I should try not to make others feel its sting.

It's a part of feeling the limbs and appendages that hang away from our heart. I'm alive, the pain says.

But shouldn't pleasure say the same thing?

And then a voice in my head says, "Remember that time when you had too much ice cream?"

Ahh.

Arayat vibe

2009-12-25T07:32:00.000+08:00

When I look to my right, I’ll see the sky and the mountain, to my left is a pink swing that seats two. Beside it is the water pump, old-style.

Right outside the fence sits a family of goats. All white. Mom and kids waiting under the shadow of the neighbor’s fence. And some stray dogs waiting for some leftovers. One of them—a female dog that always looks like she’s just given birth, again, my mom calls as ‘Friend’ when she throws pieces of bread towards her. A new one, a dog with a black slightly sinister looking face looks up to me. Nah, but he didn’t really look all that bad. He had good eyes.

We’ve got a lot of trees around here. Not too much to make the house all dark and gloomy, but enough to cool the air around and give enough shade for when we take the tables outside to eat pretty much all our meals except for dinner, because it usually gets too cold. Hamog.

We’ve got 4 dogs. Bruce guards the forefront. Spike and Labang roam around. Cali’s on the other lot. Old Cali. Going down the same path as Kayla and Simba. I hope not too soon though. But I wish he’d still enjoy the precious time he’s got.

You’ll hear the birds chirping. Not only in the mornings, but even in the afternoon. And Blackjack, I forgot about Blackjack, the cat that roams outside pretty much the whole day finding mates, then comes back home to eat and play for awhile.

When you’re here, time drags its feet. And there’s nothing much to decide except whether to sleep or eat…or maybe watch dvd’s or downloaded videos. Time. Precious time just lying around for the taking. To be used for the things you’ve never had the time for. I forgot to bring books. Maybe because I’ve got a whole slew of videos all lined up.

Mom and dad are out. When they get back (with Tita Agnes, maybe), we’ll probably eat again…then talk about stuff. Different things, anything, but usually going around on a happy tone.

Ate Yolly and I just finished lunch at 3pm. Sat down and ate under the trees. With the birds giving us music and the slight moaning of the dogs asking for more food (they’ve already had lunch and still got a lot of dog food in their pans, but I guess it’s a matter of habit to ask for more). And we sat there talking about how she had been spending her days here while she tended the home while Cristy & Angie--her nieces who usually take care of the house, are on Christmas vacation.

Its icky to admit, but I’ve thought that maybe I’m experiencing a hint of withdrawal syndrome from work…Okay, and now, the thought has passed.

I guess with all this wonderful, precious windchimey chirpy chirpy state of idleness I find myself at a loss as to how I should handle it.

But as I washed my feet to get ready to get back to bed, I told myself to just enjoy it. That’s the art of idleness after all. And now I’m back, deciding on whether to sleep or watch more videos—but I chose to write this down first lest I forget about the ‘specialness’ of this wonderful gift…of idleness, and peach. Peach. Peace I mean. (Peaches, that I love too.)

Thank you God for this gift. This is Christmas. Arayat style.

Dreams do come true, even in the real world.

2009-11-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

Astig!

===

(From money.cnn.com -Business 2.0: My Golden Rule)

Ivan Seidenberg
Chairman and CEO, Verizon
My first boss -- he was the building superintendent, and I was a janitor -- watched me sweep floors and wash walls for almost a year before he mentioned that I could get tuition for college if I got a job with the phone company. When I asked him why he'd waited so long, he said, "I wanted to see if you were worth it."

The message: Work hard, have high standards, and stick to your values, because somebody's always watching.

===

Janitor to CEO. Totoo pala yun :)

Things to be thankful for today:
1. Google
2. Amazing (free) reads on the internet...fortune.com, cnn.com
3. twitter. para sa mga tamad maghanap ng trends.
4. Friday night.
5. Pears
6. Amazing sunshine
7. Bioflu, Decolgen, and the cold that didn't turn into a weekend bummer.
8. moved deadlines. yey!
9. love
10. Godwhispersclub.com
11. No-work weekend!
12. Acceptance
13. Counting blessings
14. Big Bang Theory
15. Tofu
16. Waking up without the alarm clock!

:)

Naalala ko bigla yung mga Sabadong gumigising ako't excited kumain ng taho. Tapos tutunganga lang sa harap ng tv at uubusin ang mga cartoons sa umaga bago maligo...Masaya lang, masaya.

Anong kinalaman nun kay Ivan Seidenberg, kela Warren Buffet at sa iba pang kasama sa article sa taas, beats me. Pero masarap lang isipin that the world is filled with so many inspiring people, at mraming rason para maging masaya kahit hindi Sabado bukas.

Pero Sabado bukas! Yeeehaw.

p.p.s
sabi ni pareng ivan 'somebody's always watching.'
Uhm God, pwede matanong...I know you're watching, uhm, so how am I faring? Wala na kasing classcard ngayon e...di ko alam kung anong grade ko. Thanks.

Blues out. Yellows in.

2009-11-18T09:12:00.000+08:00

There's nothing like getting 8 hours of sleep on a work night. That sounds...urk...sad? Reeks of some complaining even.

Okay, erase, erase. Of course there are a lot of things much like getting 8 hours of sleep. It's not the greatest thing in the world, but it does make one see the better things in life easier. Like say, not being too tired to read, or write, or see that the sun's up and the dust particles are dancing around once more basking in what Ms. Tiambeng described as the Tyndall effect. I don't know if I remembered it right, but the happy memories of seeing sunny Sunday lighting feels just about right.

Thing is, last week's been quite a downer..for no apparent reason. Of course there are reasons, but not legitimate ones, not reasonable enough to feel sad. But who's to say what's reason enough to feel sad? I can. I should. At least for my life, I should know what should and shouldn't get me down. Sometimes I feel like a living a movie with the director giving real-time commentary. The director says don't do this, don't feel that, but the actor won't listen. The hard part is, they're one and the same person. HAh, sounds schizo to me.

Must've watched too much of John Nash. (Mental Note: Truly touching documentary from Jenny. "Brilliant Madness")

Weniwei, to get off the overly-dramatic mode, I said, "I resign."

Not from work. But from being the diva director. Sometimes I get too engrossed with making this opus turn out into a blockbuster that I forget to have fun. So I told God, "I resign." Turned over the reins to Him once more, and took my seat as asst. director of this show called life.

It still hasn't been all bright and sunny Kermity-froggy all happy happy lately, but things have been coming along well. Cue in, uplifting music right about...here. :)

Things to be happy about on a Wednesday:
1. 8 hours of sleep
2. choco-chip mini empanadas
3. Jenny liking the story (me, finishing the story!)
4. good people around
5. chicken bbq
6. happy daddy & mommy
7. knowing that things will be all right
8. approved boards
9. Bo Sanchez!
10. appreciation
11. beautiful sunsets even on foggy days

If cars had souls

2009-10-29T14:15:00.000+08:00

10.28.09

This morning I pushed a car. Not just any car, I pushed Tatau. For the first few seconds I did it alone, until a helpful sidewalk vendor and his friend Ate Metro Aide came to my rescue. I didn’t know how to jumpstart a car, so dad had to take the wheel.

So we crossed Buendia, me in my glorious lemon yellow shirt, pushing a red car for all the world, well, for all the frontliners along that intersection, to see.

Embarrassing? Not really. Early morning work-out, definitely.

Weniwei, I still can’t get over the fact that even as cars have no souls, Tatau seems to care. Yes, the fanbelt wore out that’s why the battery didn’t charge. But it still carried on until it couldn’t run no more. It stopped a few meters from dad’s office.

And in the evening, the engine overheated…while we were still near dad’s office. So the necessary first aid was administered. Dad taught me a lesson about not opening the radiator cover when it’s smoking hot. “Wag kang matataranta pag nag-overheat” He said. Just pour some water on the radiator. Wait for it to cool down a few seconds. Wrap your hands to protect yourself when you carefully open the radiator cap—provided you’ve already let it cool down a bit…you’ll know once the steam stops from blowing over. Much like handling some hotheaded person, like say…me.

Dad had car troubles 3 times over. Twice with Tatau, once during midday when he took an office service to visit their Manila office. On all occasions, the cars conked out a few meters from his office---just at the right place & time (if there ever is a ‘right time’ for something to conk out) if you may.

And as we drove home we talked about Tatau. How he’s never let us down. He’s an old car. I’ve had it since college, and we bought it second hand. We didn’t meet the right way. I was still in love with Pacha—my first car (technically not mine, well, neither is Tatau—they’re both dad’s really), the blue macho Galant which we had to sell because supposedly, it guzzled gas. But really it had reasonable consumption levels. Anyway, that car never let me down too. I’ve had numerous trips to the repair shops, befriended mechanics from Servitek to the hole in the wall talyers. And everytime it had to stop (I say had, because I feel it tried to go on for as long as he safely could), it always happened in a safe place—either a few meters off a repair shop, or in a well-lit spot just right for towing. I loved that car. Felt like driving around with a sala set. I felt safe in its bigness. But we parted so suddenly. And the Blue car suddenly became red. Corolla red, as red as my eyes the day I first saw it and cried for dear Pacha.

First time I put the key in the ignition, it wouldn’t even start. Apparently one had to pump the gas pedal thrice before it starts. A quirk which only Tatau’s friends knew. But we soon became friends. And soon, the same trust I gave Pacha, Tatau earned.

I name my things. It makes them easier to talk to. I don’t know if they can hear me, but it feels like they do. Because all these years, they’ve always seemed to talk back. When Tatau’s sick, he sounds different. But normally, he’s just the type to have the quirks which probably first-hand car owners would worry about, but second-hand car drivers get used to.

(Side note: Other object names: Guitar—Billiken. After the Buddha figure in Nick Joaquin’s Woman with Two Navels, Bike—Bucciel. I’ve no idea where I got this name. Suited the bike just right. Dad’s Bike—Utoy. Pacha’s named after Cuzco’s trusted friend in The Emperor’s New Groove, Tatau…got it from the plate number. I wasn’t too fond of him when I fist met him, hence the lack of personality of the name…but as he grew on me, the name took on a happy meaning).

I have no idea if talking to cars helps them ‘care’ more. Dad’s car seems to love him too. I’m not so sure though if he talks to him. I haven’t named that one yet because I don’t get to drive it often…But when I do say sorry for hitting a pothole I say ‘Sorry baby.’ Works just fine. It’s been a good one too, all these years.

Yes, they have conked out. There were times when the aircon went out in the middle of summer. Or the alternator just broke down. Or the power steering kit leaked in the middle of EDSA, yadayadayada…but today I still write about them, because they’ve all gotten me and my loved ones from point A to Z safely, happily, gratefully, and in 99.9% of the time, with me inside and not pushing from behind. Good...no, kind cars. Kind, trusty wheely friends.

Things to be grateful for today:
1. Long weekend coming up.
2. Good, trusty vehicles.
3. Productive meetings
4. The head cold that didn't develop into a full-blown downer
5. Great books from the second-hand bookstore at UP SC--found Richard Bach's One & Antoine de Exupery's Wind, Sand and Stars!!
6. Dates with myself.
7. Macmac
8. Love all around
9. Pillows on my bed
10. Kermit, rainbows, chocolate chip cookies.
11. Oh, and helpful people! (special thanks to manong vendor and ate metro aide on the corner of Malugay & Buendia!)

HBO on a monday night

2009-10-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

Richard Gere lifted Paula up. Kissed her passionately. Held onto her til the credits rolled, and the image was forever paused. Definitely one of the best memories for a Monday night.

She was swept off her feet. It was an image of unabated adoration. Stuff movies are made of, daydreams are painted over with, and versions of which are created in varied, albeit contextual moments in real life.

Things to be grateful for this monday night:
1. Richard Gere. Definitely an officer & a gentleman!!
2. Monday night movie with mom & dad
3. Finally watching a kilig movie and realizing that I no longer have the "I wished I had that too" feeling.
4. Because I know I already have 'that'.
5. Regi

:)

Thoughts on Bers, Dogs, Hello & Goodbye

2009-09-02T08:29:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the first day of Septemeber. And already, Unang Hirit had a choir singing Christmas Songs. Kahit feeling summer pa din dahil biglang umiinit ang umaga, it's undeniable, Christmas Season's just around the corner. Yep, may default happy thought na for the coming days.

===
Things I haven't been able to write about:

2 weeks ago, I went with Chaw, Atan and the Husky pack: Charlie Brown, Rainbow Brite, Luna & Firefox to BHS on an early Sunday morning to go for...ta-dah...a walk. We met up with Jace, Blu, Angus & Hershey, plus Doc & the amazing half-dog half-bear, Cash.

I haven't been around dogs for quite some time (all the doggies are in Arayat). So being with a bunch of Siberian Huskies, a beagle, a lab, and a huge golden retriever was a wonderful treat! If there was a virtual age counter that followed me around as I played with those doggies, I could've sworn that I grew younger by about 10-15 or even more years. Just thinking about them makes me want to squeeze something really hard. Gigil galore.

Quality time with some friends I haven't been with for a long time...plus playful, unbelievably malambing doggies= wonderful wonderful Sunday morning!!

Chaw asked me why I won't get my own dog. I said I didn't want to. I can't stand the thought of having to lose another dog. My first dog died last year. She was 14 years old. Kayla (whom we first thought was a boy so we named him 'Lakay'--only to find out that she was a girl so she became Kayla instead) was the kindest dog I have ever met. She would stay up with me during exam review nights that turned into days, sometimes she'd like to play outside, but I can't take her. But still she'd greet me with the same enthusiasm as if I did nothing wrong. Every single time she'd make me feel welcome, awaited, and very much loved. Even when she grew too old to stand up fast & jump. Even when her eyes had cataracts and her ears grew deaf. She would try to walk towards me and just be happy to be there. Baduy as it may sound, but simply thinking about her has got me crying. She was such a good dog. And now she's gone.

I don't want to have to go through that again. I hate goodbyes. Who doesn't. But hello's aren't forever. And the two often go together. It all depends on when the other one comes. And while it may not come abruptly or bitterly, endings for me are usually sad. Which only brings to mind the poignant truth that the hello's have been wonderful, in fact too wonderful to let go of, and say goodbye to. Better to have had that I guess than to have to pray for goodbyes right in the middle of hello.

Still I'd like to think that when we'd have kids, and they'd want to have a dog, I'd say yes. Better to have bitter goodbyes than to have nothing to cherish.

Back to some happy thoughts. Ber month's here.

Rainbow Connection

2009-08-11T08:28:00.000+08:00

Jenny just came from Japan and she bought me a rainbow. It's a little black flipbook with a little strip of rainbow colors, which, well...which you flip and wonderfully watch the colors arch into a rainbow. And that's it. That's all this little book does. Rainbow in your hand by Masashi Kawamura. Funny how the Japanese can think of such things. Crafty. Nifty cool.
It was a little black book that came with no instructions, so Jenny put a note saying I should come over to her cube so she could teach me how to 'use' it. And when she was done showing me how, she nonchalantly said, "I just thought of giving it to you, so you'll always have a rainbow everywhere you go." And the best part was, she wasn't trying to be mushy or cute. She just said it as it is. And it felt great to hear those words. Inexplicably nice. Much like the feeling I get when I do see a rainbow in the sky.

Thanks Jenny :)

Things to be grateful for today:
1. Sincere people
2. Love
3. Health
4. Quick trips to Tagaytay
5. Alfajor
6. Waking up, knowing I can move every body part that's supposed to move
7. Family
8. Sleep
9. Milk
10. Rainbows.

p.s.
it's uncanny how the law of attraction works. For the past few days I've been watching & 're-watching' Kermit's Rainbow connection. And look what I got. :)

Merry marry.

2009-07-10T08:38:00.001+08:00

We've parked the wedding preps for now. The church, venue, photog&videographer, make-up artist, day coordinator--have been booked. Mom's going to do the wedding gown & most of the entourage's dresses. We're just waiting for the caterer's accreditation. It's as if October o-10's just round the bend.

Since that's almost settled, it's time to move on to other matters. We've been planning for the wedding, now we're moving on to the marriage. Number one on the list: house. After all, where are we to build a home if we haven't got a roof over our heads and four walls we could call our own.

Admittedly, these next steps have gotten me thinking about a million what-ifs and what-nots. A million might be an exaggeration, but it gets the point across. There are a lot to think about. Is this the perfect location? Association dues every month? Mortgage payment. Where will the kids play? Will it be near their school? Will the neighbors be nice? Are we staying here for the long term? Would one parking slot be enough? Rent or buy? How much would monthly groceries cost? Will I be a good mom? 1 or 2 kids? Will I learn how to cook? Where should we put the treadmill? What time will we leave for work? Are we going to do the laundry there? 10 or 15 year loan? Bank or Pag-ibig?

Pag-ibig. In more ways than one I hope that answers the question. But even when there are a million/ soooo many uncertainties awaiting us; the prospect of facing them all as US still proves more attractive than staying put and basking in the comfort of predictability. A part of me doesn't believe that--that part which has always been iffy with change. But I know it's merely playing the part of the devil's advocate. At some point it's going to come around. I remember Sister Sol telling me back in college--when I was afraid to take on a position just because...I was afraid. And she told me, "Kung parati kang takot, wala kang mararating."

There are a million fears. At this point, more than a million. Nyar. But there are still more reasons to be grateful. And I'd like to think that these fears are merely a manifestation of how much I really want this. Of how much I want this to more than just work; but be that which I've always dreamed of. More than being paralyzing, I'm taking these as parameters for setting priorities. My excitement might be tempered, but my joy remains the same. There is comfort in knowing that everything will turn out right--with the right planning, unwavering faith, and a journey through this aisle of life with big leaps and baby steps.

I'm keeping my eye on the goal. This is going to be fun.

Monday Thank You's

2009-06-01T08:52:00.000+08:00

1. Good Night's sleep (no more pawis, dahil malamigggg!)
2. Randy Pausch's Last Lecture...Youtube!
3. Cholo, Cor's cute chihuahua.
4. Dresses by Cor! (Couerclothing.multiply.com--shameless plugging!)
5. Understanding jowa.
6. Dark Chocolate
7. Tastespotting
8. Jackets on cold days
9. Unsleepy mornings
10. Health
11. Time
12. Hair
13. Honey Bunches of Oats w/ Strawberries
14. Choco chip cookies!
15. TopChef!
16. Boracay Memories
17. Sun in my mind
18. Weddings to attend
19. Happy people around
20. Cool Parents

Surprise surprise.

2009-04-14T09:09:00.001+08:00

A few minutes after the Zombie blog post below, I checked my mail to find this link.

http://bosanchez.ph/252/

Very funny, God. And thanks for listening. :)

Getting off Zombie Mode

2009-04-14T08:25:00.000+08:00

Perhaps one of the laziest, but undeniably true prayers I have uttered lately goes like this, "God, I put today's concerns in your hands."
Lazy? Hmm, more like resigned. There are no specific issues, well, there are some, but none I would like to utter out loud; lest they become more true than I know they already are. But having to be content with 6 or less hours of sleep a day makes getting up even more of a chore. And just thinking about having to go through the day already makes me tired. That sounds so pathetic. More like ungrateful--which is probably one of those adjectives which I hate to be associated with or be around of.
So in lieu of pining for convenient joys and ranting about the rut of adult existence, I'm making a conscious effort to see beyond the smog. Things to be thankful for:

1. I can walk.
2. I can see.
3. I can talk.
4. Mighty Bond
5. Strawberry Jam
6. The Chowchow I saw this morning
7. Concerned people
8. Flavored Oatmeal
9. Post Selects
10.Artichoke Tea
11. Jumping Jacks
12. Ferrero
13. Unsolicited Smiles
14. Bananas
15. Electric Fans
16. Pink Walls
17. Memories of summers catching dragonflies, making cake-designs on carabao dung, and
weaving urban legends about the old banana tree.
18. Backfloats on calm waters
19. Avocado Shakes
20. House
21. Soft Pillows

These periodical bouts with existential issues could be bothersome. But I know that they happen for a reason/s. And whatever those reasons may be, and while they lay hidden, all I can do is go through the day as best as I could with the prayer that He won't let go of my hand.

When Negative is Positively wonderful

2009-02-19T08:32:00.000+08:00

Monday, I got a text message from my mom saying that my sister's biopsy result turned out negative for the big C. Praise God nga naman :)

I've tried to look nonchalant, well, at least not too bothered with the scare since I went with her to the doctors last month. But there were times when I just wanted to go to the batcave and just cry. Just cry; without care about what other people would say, about what to say when they ask why, or just basta, let it all out. Not just the scare but all those things that just clutter my head and end up frustrating me and making me ask the omnipresent question, 'Why am I here?' Not just 'office' here. But more like, 'world' here. Those things which probably not even the best choco-peanut butter brownie or the most amazing chocolate chip walnut cookies couldn't drown out. Well, maybe for a few seconds, but the nagging question would ultimately pop up.
Undeniably, the answer to that question still isn't clear. It's as blurred as the rainbow that popped up 10 minutes ago. I know it's bound to be colorful, exciting...actually at this point all I can do really is hope/trust. That someday it's going to come out again, long enough for me to appreciate it fully and believe that it's real.

But for now, I would like to be content with the fact that Ate's well; the family's doing good; and life--with all its riddles and obvious but ignored facts, shouldn't be complicated. One simple test could've turned my family's world upside down. Negative. And everything's back to normal...well, semi-normal because having been forced to look at life in a different perspective still left me a bit shaken. In a good way, that is. Uncomfortable, but still safe to say, it's wonder-ful.

Happy thoughts / Anti-mundane Tuesday

2009-02-10T08:38:00.000+08:00

Thoughts of the beach in my head.
Snippets of happy conversations from morning mates.
Mongol pencils. Sharpened and with erasers intact.
Reservation availabilities.
Approved lines.
Potentially-happy JO. (Is there such a thing? Oh, but it's a matter of perspective.)
People who just work.
Family pictures.
Planning beyond the wedding planning.
Thoughts of hot chocolate and pandesal.
Friends who stay the same/ change with you.
Memories and the ability to channel them at will.
Peter Pan.

Things I am grateful for today

2009-02-06T07:46:00.000+08:00

It's a Friday :)

The trees along Sedeno that gives the morning walk a UP vibe.
The dogs that are just happy to be.
Mommy and daddy at breakfast with me.
Regi on Perea.
Friends that linger.
The ring on my finger.
Swiss Miss and bananas.
Positive seatmates.
Spongebob and Patrick.
Mac that doesn't crash.
Chucks.
Eheads.
Kermit the Frog.
Health.
First Friday Mass at the Enterprise.
Friday dinners.
Peanut butter!
The pimple that's gone.
The search for purpose. (although that's a bit frustrating, but it rocks my boat and keeps things real.)
Itunes. Qradio.
Autosave.
:)

And so he proposed :)

2009-01-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

It was the first day of 2009.

I have been in Arayat for most of the holidays. And my mom, dad and I went back home to Mandaluyong to fetch Sky and Marty and bring them back with us to Pampanga. Regi was insisting that we go out for dinner, but I kept on telling him that we ought to postpone it since we’ll get back home late. But, he kept on insisting.

So. My parents and I got home at 9pm. Regi was there waiting for me.

Regi: Tara, dinner tayo!
Cey: Pagoda. San mo gusto?
Regi: Chocolate Kiss!
Cey: Hwe? Jan 1 ngayon, gabi na, sarado na yun.
Regi: Pustahan tayo, bukas yun.
Cey: Metrowalk na lang. Starbucks tayo, libre kita, nanalo akong GC sa raffle e.
Regi: ChocKiss na, please?
Cey: Hmmm…
Regi: Pustahan tayo bukas yun!

So we went straight to UP. Honestly, I was smelling something fishy. Well, baka assuming lang ako. There had been jokes about the engagement in 08, so this set-up, plus his persistence on this dinner, added to his uber-confidence that he’ll make it up to me because he’s missed our family reunion for the 7th consecutive year…yup he was uber-confident with the line: Pag di ako nakabawi sayo, suntukin mo ko! We’re not the violent type, so this kind of confidence, given the fact that I could be matampuhin about these kinds of things made me think…he’s got something up his sleeves. Ok, I digress.

Anyway, so on the way to UP, I was thinking, teka, ano ‘to, he talked to the ChocKiss management and asked them to open up the resto just for us? Tapos may flowers, and one table set for two? May candle-lit dinner na may personal serbidor? With matching may nag-v-violin? How very Regal Films! Proposal na kaya? Yup, these things played in my head. Cliché, I know. At assuming nga naman ako, hanep.

So from MassComm, we turned right going to Bahay ng Alumni. A few meters from Chocolate Kiss, I was already expecting the cheesy love story visuals….Ayan na!!

Cut to…sarado ang Chocolate Kiss.

Oh. So I must’ve assumed way too much. He’s probably got something up his sleeves, but it definitely wasn’t a proposal.

Cey: Dapat nakipagpustahan ako e.
Regi: Ay, sarado…
Cey: Tara, Metrowalk na lang nga.
Regi: Ok, pero tara daan muna tayo sa tambayan.

So we went straight to the UP Chapel. Ang dilim. It was already 9:30pm, on a holiday. Of course, Apacible was deserted. Slightly nakakatakot.

Cey: Uhm…mag-make out ba sa tapat ng simbahan?
Regi: Grabe ka, ang baba naman ng tingin mo sakin.
Cey: Joke lang, eto naman.
Regi (pointing towards the ICTUS tambayan: Diba dyan tayo una nag-meet?
Cey: Uhmm, oo. Bakit?
Regi: (gets his backpack from the backseat, takes a yellow box, pops it open)
Cey:…..
Cey:….
Cey: (cries, slaps her face innumerable times and asks) Teka, totoo ba ‘to? Totoo ba to?
Regi: smiles.
Cey:…
Regi: still smiles…(teka were those tears in his eyes?o baka assuming na naman ako.)
Cey:…
Cey: Wait, di mo ba ko tatanungin ng ‘Will you marry me?’
Regi: Uhm, diba the ring should speak for itself? Atsaka ang cheesy e.
Cey: Diba…romantic?
Regi: Ay….ganun ba? Uhm…Will you…marry me?
Cey: (still crying. Yup, akala ko sa pelikula lang yun, pero ganun pala ang feeling) Yes.. Yes!
Regi: Sorry ha, gusto ko sana lumuhod sa labas, kaso baka ma-hold-up tayo.

So there. On Jan 1, 2009, we got engaged ☺ After only a few minutes in UP, we went straight back home to my parents where Regi told mommy and daddy, while holding up the ring (we put it back in the box para hindi weird na suot ko na tsaka pa lang kami nagpapaalam ☺ ) “Nag-propose po ako kay Cey…pwede na po ba?” Mommy and daddy said yes!

*Sigh*

It wasn’t the usual sweety-sweety proposal I’ve had in my head. But it was so Regi, and so true. It didn’t feel so much as a man proposing to his would-be wife; more like my best friend telling me we’re on our way to spending the rest of our lives together. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Daddy's Tales

2009-01-21T20:04:00.000+08:00

I love it when my dad talks about his happy childhood memories. Over dinner he told me how Lola Nene brought him and his siblings aboard a trailer attached to Lola’s jeep, to Darabulbol. Yup, catchy name, just had to write it down.

Anyway, Lola Nene was my dad’s tita. Her family had a piece of land in Darabulbol (sorry, just had to say it again) in Concepcion, Tarlac. They grew sugarcane. And during harvest season, she’d bring my dad, his brothers and sisters and cousins along as she transported the harvest from…Darabulbol…to Hacienda Luisita to be processed. It would usually take a few hours for it to be done, so she’d make a side trip and bring along my dad and company to the nearby river for a swim.

Oh how his eyes light up when he talks about those good ‘ol days. And he’d always laugh when he’d talk about that time when he and Tita Angge went fishing on that same river. They were so excited to use their fishing rods that they failed to exercise much care in handling the potentially dangerous, but seemingly harmless-looking hook on a long rod. I forgot whose lips or cheek got caught in those hooks when Tita Angge whipped up the fishing rod too far back—hooking an unaware cousin in the process. Must’ve been painful, but for a bunch of 7 or 8 year olds on a summer vacation, it must’ve been so funny that it sent them on a laugh trip all the way back home to San Fernando. I guess it wasn’t that big an injury. None of them grew up to be Scarface.

Or that story about that time when they’ve grown tired of flying their kites, that they rested on the haystacks…not really haystacks but stacks of palay and they pulled at the harvest, eating some bits like butong-pakwan, up until the owner realized that there were intruders playing on his ricefields.

I suddenly remembered those times my cousins and I tried to catch dragonflies and grasshoppers. And that time when Joy, Chito, and I think LA too, found a huge pile of carabao dung on the road. We used grass stalks to draw on it and turn it into a mighty foul-smelling, but cute, birthday cake. We were careful not to touch it though. Who would’ve thought you could have so much fun when life brings along a huge pile of shit?

It’s a pity my nephews and nieces can’t have these same stories. Them with their PSPs and DS. But I guess they’ll have their own stories to look back on when they’re this age. I just hope I could do the same things for them, as those my daddy did for me.

Suddenly I feel I ought to write a piece on mommy as well. But that’s a whole new article altogether. Just as happy, and just as filled with love.

Christmas, the coffee to my soul.

2008-12-17T14:48:00.000+08:00

"We tend to withdraw our love from people who disappoint us."

That was the Homily Father Dave gave after reading the Gospel on Christ’s genealogy. Normally I would’ve just zoned-out somewhere between Abraham and…Joseph, but due to two scoops of instant coffee plus some Chips Ahoy, I was off zombie mode. And I was listening intently to what the priest was saying on what would’ve been just another Wednesday mass. Though sometimes I caught myself jittering in my seat, shaking my feet a bit, biting my lips…as if I’ve suddenly gotten too much residual energy (almost made me think the coffee’s spiked) I felt like all my senses were heightened. I was listening. I was looking at the Christmas decors, I was feeling the cold and nippy air, and I sat there, knowing that I was happy. Everything was coming through my senses and everything was being processed. Even the homily that struck me as true, poignant, and even to a point was a hurtful realization--made me, weirdly, happy. Because truth spewed out so simply, laid out plainly before my face was just nice. Whom have I withdrawn my love from? Who could’ve withdrawn their love from me? I don’t know. Well, I sort of know. Suddenly the nasty habit has been exposed. So bluntly put that it's amazing how something so obvious could all of a sudden spark a profound realization. But this doesn’t feel like the time to go on accounting for love withdrawn or deposited. This felt more like the time of simply being conscious of what’s been happening. Of the things that would otherwise have passed me by as I breezed through life on auto-pilot. Now that the nasty habit's been exposed, it's time for conscious effort to (hopefully) kick-in some reform.

Life’s too short to be spent hurting.
There’s no such thing as hopeless cases, only hopeless people.
If God Himself never gave up on us, then we shouldn’t give up on ourselves too.

Nice words from Father Dave. Things which he had already said numerous Wednesdays. For some reason, Christmas just made me feel more aware of what they meant. Set in the backdrop of lechon, chirpy people on the walkway happily spending their Christmas bonuses on gifts, Starbucks, and Christmas lunches, celebrations, and even more lechon (Cebu lechon, hrmmmm...with the oomphly flavorful meat, so tender...I digress), these words just seemed to have more of the wakey-wakey factor.

Bittersweet words--set on Christmas time, are more sweet than bitter. And they just made me feel more happy, grateful, awake to my own life.

==========

Don’t forget, Ceycey:
Sidenote. On this day, I finally met ‘Mang Johnny’. The nice old man who always heard mass by the doorway near GB5; and always had that ‘I’m happy to be alive, I hope you are too’ smile.

Another sidenote: I never would’ve thought that was the list’s relevance—the enumeration of names was a testament to how God won’t ‘withdraw his love’ from us. Down the line from Abraham to Jesus were people who were adulterers, dishonest, basically sinners—but from that gene pool came Christ. God ought to have been disappointed, but still, he chose to love. Father Dave Concepcion rocks.

Choco-peanut butter bars

2008-10-25T00:51:00.000+08:00

These days I've been as volatile as the stock market; bailed-out/ pleasantly buoyed by choco-peanut butter bars.

First one from that pleasant girl at Starbucks named Dimples who kindly checked the storage freezer to find that there were still 2 bars left; the other one from Popo who passed by the office tonight (after my having said no to innumerable invitations to simply meet up) to...what have we here...hand over a much-needed peanut butter bar.

I suspect that God bribes me with food. That feels a bit blasphemous, having to use the word 'bribe', but I know He knows what I mean. Sweetness, nga naman, feels much sweeter on those days when things seem undeniably, bland. And what I can't seem to get a taste of in Life, my tongue gets to at least cherish for a few moments. Not exactly a fair deal. But definitely, better than air.

Although I am deeply hoping it's there. I haven't gotten around to appreciating the flavors completely. It has to be there. Whatever It is.

Move.

2008-10-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

Another sunset.
Another color on the grayish-bluish sky.
And still.
Nothing.
What would amount to something?
Apart from the marks on the to-do list.
And yet another day near Friday.
Who keeps count anyway?
Nobody. You.
And that nagging feeling you get when you lay down in bed and ask yourself, so what have we done well today?

If only purpose came from a fortune cookie.
With chocolate chips, and some peanut butter.
I'd probably gobble it down and keep on wondering, still.

Today I met Pogi

2008-09-25T08:52:00.000+08:00

It's one of those days when you tell yourself, zzzz... Let's just get this day over and done with. But when dad dropped me off at the usual spot in front of Makati Sports, I was in for a pleasant surprise.

There he was, standing, enjoying the cool air...I came near him tentatively. But I couldn't help myself so I just had to go near him. So I asked Ate, "Can I pet him?"

Ate:Oo, mabait yan.

So I sat down, patted his fluffy head and couldn't stop saying, "Hello...hello, ang cute cute mooooo!"

Cey: Ate, ano'ng pangalan nya?
Ate Nita (I asked for her name too :): Pogi.

Ganda.
He was all-black. All-hairy. Looked like a stocky bear with feet so short his tummy would touch the ground if he took on a few more pounds. Apparently he's a cross between a chowchow and some other breed (a lab, I guess) So imagine this: he had the head of a lab, but furrier, and the body of a chowchow! He looked like a live teddy bear! And he just stood there, wagged his tail as I went on patting his head saying "Hello, pogi! Helloo" with that irritating pitch my voice takes on when I see something/someone really cute.

Chris Abani said, "I will know my humanity only when it's reflected back to me." He was talking about ubuntu, I think.

This morning, for some strange reason, it felt like my humanity was reflected back to me, by a dog. Weird as it may sound, it felt nice. And I walked to the office with a slightly different gait.

Eraserheads. Ligaya. Alapaap. Wag sanang Huling El Bimbo.

2008-08-31T12:29:00.001+08:00

Last night: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

No, wait...I take it back. It wasn’t the worst of times. It was a preview of heaven. A miracle in 45 minutes. It was cut short because Ely had to be rushed to the hospital. I was sad. At some point as Laly (Ely’s sister) read the message onstage, saying that Ely was thankful for the support and was truly regretful that he couldn’t go on further due to his ailing heart (after a heart operation and his mom dying, ailing is an understatement) at the back of my mind I was still hoping that someone onstage would say, “Jokejokejoke! Here comes Ely!” It would’ve been in such bad taste, but having them go on for 2 more sets would’ve sent me straight off to Nirvana.

It was sad because everyone got worried about Ely. But I pray that God would give him more years of song-writing…and hopefully, more years for Eheads.

That’s the thing about Eheads, it’s like a marriage of cool people. Individually they’re good, cool; but strewn together and they make magic happen. Their songs are their wonderful kids, their gifts to the world, their tickets to immortality. The very insurance that long after they’re gone, their names would go on. Because their songs will still stir anyone’s soul.

My voice is still hoarse from last night. With each song they played, I sang with them. I sang my heart, innards, even the tiny hangnail at the side of the littlest toe on my foot sang out. There they were, Markus, Raimund, Buddy, and Ely (THE ERASERHEADS. Admittedly, I can’t think of the band surviving without Ely. But neither would it stand without Markus, Buddy or Raimund. As I said, theirs was a marriage. And it could not have worked out that much…sorry for using the term again…magic, were it not for these people who were so right for each other; na minsan sa may Kalayaan ay pinagtagpo…naging tunay na…magkaibigan.)

It was effortless magic onstage. And it felt amazing to just close my eyes, sing all-out and dance…dance like nobody was watching. Each song they played spoke to me, and probably to every other person in the 45,000 people in the audience. Do they know me? How come they’re singing about my life? How could they have been so great? How could they have let something this beautiful end?

Not just the concert. The band. They have their reasons. And the cliché ‘Some good things never last’ comes to mind. But it doesn’t feel apt. Because though the band stopped playing, they never really ended the music. The magic never got erased.

At the start of the concert, as the countdown ended and I heard the first chords to Alapaap, I almost exploded. 10 years I’ve waited for this. The last time I saw them was at Cervini Hall, I still remember the shirt I wore. The hoarse croak that came out of my mouth when it finally ended. The sweat that covered every microcentimeter of my body. It was mind-blowing. Amazing. Like no other. No matter how hard I try to describe it, I never could. And last night, with that one chord, I swear, I almost exploded…with so much emotions, with such intensity to finally come in for the kill, and release all the pent-up AAAAhhhhhhs!!! Woooohooooooooooos!!!! That only their songs could heartfuly solicit.

Nobody does it better.

I think it was in the middle of Shake yer head that I raised my eyes to the skies as I gyrated to their music and I sang along, that I thought: Pwede na. Pwede na kong mamatay. But syempre, I recanted that statement right away. I don’t want to die. Not just yet. But seeing them there once again, it was like (sorry to be baduy) a dream come true. It’s one of those things that’s probably in my ‘things to do before I die list’ if ever I made one: See the Eheads in concert again.

I’m not so sure which song, I think it was after ‘Kailan’ when Ely said, “Thank you!”
And as people in the crowd took a few seconds of rest, I shouted out back “Thank you! Thank you!”

And I say, Thank you for the music. You don’t know me. I don’t know you personally. But your music has been the theme songs of my life.

Wag kang matakot na umibig at lumuha…kasama mo naman ako.

Lift your head, baby don’t be scared of the things that could go wrong along the way.

When you find yourself in a compromising spot, you should know you shouldn’t take all that dog food that they make. You’d just as soon as put yourself on the stake and burn. You’ll see it coming around. You’ll see it coming around. Oh, when you’ll see it coming around…you just…yeah…shake yer head and walk away.

How it feels so strange, to have grown and changed. Now it’s not the same…’cause time, slips and slides into another place and try as we might to understand each other doesn’t really matter where you are however near, is still so far. It’s like you’re light years away. You’re light years away, from me.

Magkahawak ang ating kamay, at walang kamalay-malay…na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig na tunay.

You were there. For 45 minutes you were there. And then the lights went down. And it was time to go. An abrupt goodbye. It was sad, and worrying because someone’s life was on the line. Thank God, as of last night, text messages were saying that Ely had been in a stable condition. (and it was amazing how everyone really prayed for that minute when the organizers asked everyone to offer a prayer for Ely). Sad…but again, it’s a matter of perspective. Still, that was 45 minutes of magic. An offering of music that spoke to everyone in an indescribable way. Music that cuts through age and socio-economic class. Sincerely, the people there was a microcosm of the Philippine society. Everyone from the cono to the jolog spectrum had been represented. Probably if the Eheads would ask for a rally, just imagine the crowd they could draw. Unbelievable charisma. Such honest words. Such piercing lyrics that never pretended to be anything other than what they really say. Not to sound blasphemous, but they are the Buddha of Philippine music. Each song has an undeniable piece of wisdom to impart. Yeah yeah, some lines could be taken as bullcrap (a part of me cringes at that blasphemy), but it’s the kind of bullcrap that stops you off your tracks and makes you go and think…Oo nga ano.

Seeing them up there made me think. I want to be an Eraserhead. No, not sing (heaven forbid) or play the drums, bass or guitar (although I tried to learn the guitar back in hs just so I could play their songs on Jingle). But be as great as them. Have passion for my craft. Speak to everyone, move them with my words, breach barriers, and stir people into believing that there will always be reason to scream at life like there’s no tomorrow.

Masdan mo aking mata, di mo ba nakikita?
Ako’y lumililipad at nasa alapaap na.
Gusto mo bang sumama?

Salamat, salamat Eheads.

Float like an ant on a leaf.

2008-08-14T09:03:00.000+08:00

Today I will take the lead on my life.
I will call the shots.
And for this moment...I decide to float.

At least on that point, I decided.

But sincerely, this is just one of those days when I can't seem to make myself go forward. Must be the disappointments that just topped one over the other. Makes me want to ask: so what's the point?

But I know there is a reason why things happen. Or for my part, why they don't. And for this time why things just seem to be on a standstill.

So I choose to float.
From one perspective, it's like recklessly letting go. Or less profoundly, simply giving up.
From another perspective, it's like telling the universe: I'm all open. Take me wherever.

For this moment I will be an ant on a leaf. I will go where the stream brings me. Hold on to the corners lest my raft topple over. And if it does, so what. Who says ants can't breathe under water? Or who knows if I'll enjoy the swim? Or if the leaf with bring me over to yet another dry land, or a magical place where fairies will happily invite me to play with them.

The hope for magic shall keep me afloat.

On happiness and weekdays

2008-07-05T13:47:00.000+08:00

I've long been telling myself that happiness shouldn't wait for weekends.
But waiting for Friday night to suddenly feel elated and get myself to feel excited for yet another day seems to be a weekend thing. Or at least getting out of bed without feeling like the sheets are holding me down is.

But this week was special.

No special occasion. But I've been out on dinners with friends, meeting up with special people almost every other night. I have nothing profound to say. I know no other witty way of saying this. But the wonderful learning for this week is: weekdays...better put: work-weeks can be happy.

I am blogging this to remind myself of this feeling when pitch season comes :) I am happy. I will remember this feeling even when I don't feel like it, and the universe will lead me to this blog post when my soul needs to recharge.

Tomorrow is a saturday. But I will have to come to Makati to work. But not even the rains nor the back-to-back fgd sessions can dampen my mood. I am happy.

Reiki thoughts from eca:
Just for today I will trust.

Bo Sanchez's prayer: (one of the many probably :)
Lord let me be a blessing to others.

Connect? I can't be a happy friend, if I'm not happy. Basic yun e, you can't give what you don't have. So I make a conscious effort to keep my happy reserves on high.

I came back to my table at the sight of 4 happy dvd's from Lilit. (that plus 2 others Mark gave me this morning!) I hate watching movies with sad endings (not that I hate them, at some point they are cathartic. But I'd rather get enlightenment with a laugh than with a heavy heart). Not only because there are far too many things to be sad about already (need I go past page1 of the newspaper?) and I believe that watching movies should at least remove one from reality and offer comfort in the thought that if that happy ending happened in reel life, then maybe it could translate to real life--in one way or another. (well, the writer ought to have had some happy event in his/her life to have based beautiful moments on right? nobody could ever be so da** creative as to make something so happy up without having had even a bit of joy in his/her life. )

...I digress...I don't like sad movies because...well to be more positive, I just like happy movies more. Because I'd like to remind myself constantly that life is happy.

It's like research. It's easier to make a decision with complete (or as near to complete) information. Choosing to be happy becomes a lot easier when I fill my head with fun things. Things that make me believe in the goodness of people over and over again. Happy stuff that make me believe that crappy things happen for a reason; that the best things in life are those that we already have; that life shouldn't be hard work; that purpose can bring the fun back to work; that love lives; that peace is possible; that all things panget come to pass; that God believes in us. That family and friends are...like eraserheads songs--you'll never forget their words, you will always have fun hearing them, you can sing all you want, misstep and miss the right tune and not be judged, and no matter how long the time may have passed between you, they will always bring you joy.

Happy movies. Happy life.

Breathe

2008-06-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

Instead of blowing off some steam, I took a deep breath, counted from 1 to 10 ala Enteng Kabisote (albeit in my head) and refused to snip a few minutes off my lifespan due to unnecessary anxiety.

Note from last night's prayer meeting: He who angers you, controls you.
spoken like a true jedi.
Yoda in my mind.

Joy Begets Joy

2008-06-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

I've lost count of the number of days. But lately, I've been feeling happy. I hate to say this, but I think the number of OT hours seems to be inversely proportional to the amount of joy. But wait, said the mouse (ika nga ni maui) OT din naman kami ngayon, pero hmmm, i feel, happy.

Must be because of the joy refills I've been having for the past few weeks. HS barkada , sila Maui't Eca, si Regi, ang constant date with la familia. Kahit dito sa office, masaya mga tao e, kahit OT. And nope, I'm not rationalizing the late nights. May ligaya talaga. Of course if I had it my way it would have been much better if we were spending our quality time at Gweilo's (oo, kahit chicharong bulaklak, mani at mainit na tubig ang inaatupag ko) rather than working on JO's. Pero...totoo pala yung sinasabi nilang choose to be happy. Syempre may bumps along the road, pwede ba namang wala. Pero exciting naman ang byahe.

Random thoughts: Reiki, the secret, bo sanchez, alvaro del portillo.

Admittedly, ang hirap pa rin hilahin ang sarili mula sa kama tuwing umaga. Ang sarap lang matulog e. Pero lately, mas masarap ang life.

Paging Mr.Wonka

2008-04-24T13:46:00.000+08:00

If you're out there, can we talk?

I know some people hate it when bloggers just post song lyrics and that's it. But, heck, it's a nice song, and the lyrics are worth, if not blogging about, at the very least glossing over.

Must've been so easy for a man who lived in a chocolate factory to say such sweet words. When I get married, I'd like this to be the wedding march. Not to say that true love and all those supposedly nice things about wedded life is of pure imagination, but I guess it's...a nice reminder. That when things could get rough, you could always rely on pure imagination to make things better; or hopefully, have enough memories to back up the imagined thoughts to spin you back to the good life.

It's too late in the day to be talking about marriage.

It's not even my intention to be writing about it.

I. I. I don't know. I just wish Willy Wonka's a real person and that I could talk to him. Ask for some formula on how to liven up and summon what he calls pure imagination. Lately, lately mine's been caged. Not exactly, more like...uncooperative.

So Mr. Wonka, if you're out there, usap naman tayo. Bring some chocolates too, please.

Some questions to ask:
a. With all that chocolate, how come you don't get fat?
b. Paradise, simply look around and view it--please expound.
c. Change the world, there is nothing to it?--again, please expound.

Yeah, yeah I know there are tons of reaction paper answers out there. But really Mr. Wonka, you make it sound so...real. Like you meant every word and that you know what you're talking about. Well, after all, you do have a chocolate factory. You've done your share of world-changing. So sans the chocolate factory, what else/ how'd you do it?

I'm hungry. Goodnight.

thanks,
cey

====

Willy Wonka:
[Spoken]
Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

Risotto rocks.

2008-04-12T14:50:00.000+08:00

Tonight I had a date with myself.

After a long week (not exactly hard, the other weeks were relatively harder, but this one felt long probably because of the residual tiredness), I treated myself to risotto. Kuripot akong tao, pero ang pagkain…ang tanging bisyo ko. Sigh. I guess it’s something at par with travel. You don’t exactly end up with something tangible (hopefully, nothing around the belly area) but you experience something almost…for lack of a non-baduy term…magical. Something which fortunately or unfortunately you alone can truly enjoy in the fullest sense. It’s yours to cherish and reminisce over for only you care how many times.

And as I sat there, we talked. (ok, that sounded weird) in a less weird sense, I had a moment of introspection. And the first question that popped up was: What’s important for you? Well, that was the second question. The fist question was: Ok ka lang?

Truth is, I’m fine. Seriously. But I guess I can’t help but sometimes feel frustrated with how I’m faring. Sometimes I can’t help but think if I’m doing things right. If I’m doing them well enough. Am I in the right place? Is this the best I could give?

No, no, I’m not in the “should-I-shift-to-a-different-industry” mode. Neither am I in a ‘is it time to leave LB’ mode. I’m just in the ‘let’s assess how you’re doing’ mode. I’ve always been a grade conscious kid. And probably one of the greatest reasons I’m thankful for no longer being in school is the absence of report cards or class cards. But the thing is, it’s not something you just shake off. Apparently, the report cards are still there, but now I give myself the grade. 1 being the highest in the happiness chart.

As I sipped my cup of hot water. (yes, I’m such a lola) and stared at Venice painted on the wall before me, the question kept ringing in my head, “So what’s important to you?” I guess it’s because it’s undoubtedly connected to the more important question: What makes you happy?

But after a while, I no longer cared to enumerate the things that were supposed to make me happy. Those stuff that were supposed to define me. I just sat there eating my risotto, letting the flavors blend in my tongue; enjoying the texture of the grains, taking-in as much wonder in a spoonful as I possibly could, as I imagined the waters of the Grand Canal stir to life. And right then I knew I was happy.

I got the bill. Said thank you to the waiter, and rushed off to meet Robby and RJ at Pancake House. (and no, I no longer had dessert ☺)

Awake to Dream

2007-12-07T12:10:00.000+08:00

Yipee :)

-----

YOUNG BLOOD
Awake to dream

By Cey Enriquez
Inquirer
Last updated 11:46pm (Mla time) 12/05/2007

At age 5, I already knew what i wanted. And I worked hard -- sometimes, even behind my parents’ backs -- to get to the goal, which at that time was to join the “Little Ms Philippines” contest on the television program “Eat Bulaga.” I nagged my mom to please, please, let me join. And every year, the default answer was, “Next year, ‘sasali ka’ [you will join it].” That was until I turned 8, and became over-aged.

So I nagged her to let me join the “Lunch Date” version instead, because their cut-off age was 8, and I could still qualify. That’s when she finally told me she didn’t really like the idea of me joining the contest. It broke my heart.

But I wasn’t a kid who just gave up. I wanted to be in a pageant, so I had to be in a pageant. In fact, I have been in more than one. There were times when my mom would suddenly find out that I had already signed up for a neighborhood contest. With the organizers already knocking at our door to confirm my participation, how could she resist? I was never “Little Ms Philippines,” but I have been “Little Ms San Roque,” “Little Ms Barangay Barangka Itaas” -- and almost “Little Ms Sambahayan.”

A part of me says I ought to be embarrassed about all this. After all, these aren’t exactly the things you write on your resumé. But if I were to live out those days again, I don’t think I’d change anything. Come to think of it, I’m not embarrassed by the younger me. Instead, I envy her because she knew what she wanted. She went after her dream, and savored every moment of it.

Until now I can still remember how excited I felt when I was put on a tricycle to parade around the streets, waving at the neighbors as I rode on my makeshift limo. For the talent portion, I donned my Hawaiian skirt and danced to the tune of “Pearly Shells”/ “Tiny Bubbles.” You should’ve seen the way I smiled as I had my picture taken with Romnick and Harlene, or when I saw Jestoni Alarcon and his curly bangs, and, of course, when I was finally crowned as I stood beside “Little Mr. San Roque,” who looked exactly like Randy Santiago’s mini-me (yup, complete with the spiky hair and mole!). As grand prize for one of those pageants, I got P300. No educational plan, no roundtrip ticket to some nice country, no showbiz contract, just that sweet P300. But I didn’t really care about the prize. I was happy just to be there.

It was never about the prize. Well, that may not be entirely true. Of course, I never joined any of those contests without wanting to win, but it was never just about the prize. It was about being there, doing what I wanted to do and knowing that I was living out a dream.

As a child, I understood better what others said about life being a journey to be enjoyed. Now, I find myself trying to re-learn to enjoy the ride, because lately, it seems, the views have started to be the same. Living has become a habit. Like when you’re traveling down the North Luzon Expressway and after you see the first 5-km stretch, you’ve pretty much seen it all. It becomes all about focusing on the clutch, the gas and the occasional braking. Nothing much to enjoy there.

It’s all about getting to the destination, but where it is exactly, I pretty much can’t tell. I may have the broad strokes of a dream -- of making my parents happy, having a great career, having my own house, starting a family with Regi, providing well for our future kids. Generic dreams. Dreams that people my age ought to have. They’re not bad dreams at all. But what I’m missing is something like my 5-year-old “Little Ms Philippines” dream -- funky, exciting, to some extent even defining.

Sadly, I’ve come to realize that I have grown old. I’ve put down the party hat and put on the cynical one. I’ve forgotten how it was like to want something really, really badly. Of not caring about what’s possible and what’s not. Of believing that I can make things happen. Of being free to want and dream of things outside of the usual.

A friend told me that maybe it’s because I already got the things I’ve always wanted. Maybe it’s time to finally be content. But we seem to have been built with this nagging voice inside us, telling us that we ought to be doing more, dreaming of bigger things. I’m not necessarily talking about winning an adult pageant (at this point, that would qualify more as a delusion than a dream), or making more money (which isn’t such a bad dream, because dreams after all, don’t come free), but something along the lines of well, say, making a difference.

If that sounds so heavy and serious, I still can’t imagine myself dying at this age and being greeted at heaven’s gate (hopefully, heaven’s gate!) with the question: “So, Cey, what have you done with your life?” What would I do then, rattle off my resumé? I don’t think God needs a copywriter right now. Would it be enough to say, “Well, I think I have been a good daughter … I think.” Or “I’ve done my best to be a good Filipino. I voted. Look at my finger!” It’s definitely nothing like, “I closed the gaping hole of the ozone layer.” Or “I found an answer to Filipino poverty.” Or “I found a cure for cancer!”

I believe that we’ve all been put in this world with a purpose to fulfill. And each of us have been given gifts as tools -- not merely to survive, but to thrive and to make a difference in each others’ lives. But at 26, I’m not sure I’ve served my purpose well enough.

Bo Sanchez wrote, quoting John Gray, “What you can feel, you can heal.” And thankfully, by writing this, I have come to face the source of my frustrations. Through the years, I have found it easier to just go with the flow of things and wait for whatever life would throw my way. I have spent much of my waking hours merely existing as best as I could that I have forgotten to make time to dream big. There may always be reasons to doubt, but I guess the wonderful thing about dreams is that you can go as far as your thoughts can reach -- beyond the doubts and impossibilities -- with nobody stopping you but yourself.

Now I take it back: I don’t think I’ve grown old, I’ve merely slacked off. Now it’s time for the “Little Ms Philippines” wannabe to get the dream machine back on track. After all, what good would these waking hours be, if they’re not spent living out a big dream?

Cey Enriquez, 26, works in an advertising agency.

Copyright 2007 Inquirer. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Buying Joy

2007-12-04T08:29:00.000+08:00

Probably if somebody were to advertise himself to be selling happiness, he'd be rich by now. After all, what's all these for really? Why do we even get out of bed, get out of our homes, go to work, deal with a whole lot of things we wouldn't even have to come to face with if we chose not to get out of bed in the first place.

Well, that's not entirely true. Because staying in bed would mean having to forego earning some moolah. And having no money entails having to face a whole lot of different issues.

So is it all about earning money then? Of course not. It's about finding joy.
Through money?

Not exactly, but partially. A few chunks more than the other components probably.

So, you get out of bed, do something else so you'd earn some money which would hopefully bring you closer to your joyous goals. Why can't it be as simple as getting out of bed and simply being happy? Some people say that happiness is a state of mind. Readers of the book 'The Secret' believe that 'inner happiness is the fuel of success' But can you have inner happiness without having an external stimuli--which you, of course would have to work for to have? Things that make you happy don't always come falling from the skies or growing from trees. But in some cases they probably do. But if you want more than occasional occurences of joy it's going to take some work. Not exactly having to look for a job, but probably more like finding your purpose. And when you finally find your reason for being, you make sure you're good at it. Then you'll be happy.

Then.

And until then, you go on living your days believing that you can make the most out of it. That you can touch as many lives even in the most mundane ways. That you don't waste any of your ticking moments to just wander the earth unaware of why you're even there in the first place. That you are looking for a purpose and that you will find it. Knowing that there is nobody out there who's selling happiness packed in a bottle; ready for consumption any which time you choose. Because happiness isn't for sale. It's free. If you just choose to believe you're entitled to it.

Surreal Sunday

2007-10-22T07:56:00.000+08:00

I never even saw the Monty Python movie this song was from. Just viewed the clip on YouTube a few months back when I was looking for a song for an ad we were doing...Sang by a bunch of guys hanging on their crosses, under the scorching heat of the sun. They seemed to have no reason to be happy; or to be singing, but still they sang, and they whistled along:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)
Listen: LoFi | Download | Send-Card | Chords
From: A Faire To Remember

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the bright side of life...

There is always a bright side. Sometimes, I guess we just don't get to see it. Because it's easier sung than done. But silly as it may sound, I can't help but wish that someone got to sing this song for a friend of mine. Whom I met again last night. In a closed casket. Amidst all the people who loved her and who thought that it wouldn't come to this.

You may not know her, but please say a prayer for her.

I will. I am.

2007-10-16T09:00:00.000+08:00

Today, I resolve to be happy. Despite the fact that the sun has again gone hiding someplace else; despite the pain in my back, despite the things that need to be done, and issues that need to be resolved. In the same way that I had to tell myself that I will get myself from bed despite the wonderful pull of the sheets and covers, I will be happy despite the usual reasons that normally make me less than that--happy. Despite, despite, sounds so...harsh. But to be happy despite...that just feels good.

Pancake at muffin

2007-07-13T08:32:00.000+08:00

I hate this kind of weather. Feeling ko I'm afflicted with SADs...sabi ng teacher ko nung college, apparently may mga taong apektado ng madilim, maulap at maulan na panahon. Nadedepress sila't nalulungkot for no reason at all.

For lack of a better reason for feeling like sh** lately, I'd say I have SADs. Ewan ko ba, pero di lang ako masaya. Pero sa likod ng utak ko, may boses na nagsasabing, "Ba't di ka masaya, e wala ka namang problema?" Alam ko.

Utak: E yun naman pala, ba't di ka masaya?
Cey: E ba't si Ganun mas madaming rason maging masaya. Sya masaya.
Utak: E si Ganyan kaya, mas mabigat nang todo ang mga problema kesa sayo, pero di sya kasing lungkot mo.
Cey: Oo na. Di ako masaya, pero bawal akong malungkot. Kasi, di dapat.

I call this the mid-class crisis. Di lang sa socio-economic class nag-aapply 'to e. Pati sa bilangan ng blessings. Ang hirap maging masaya kasi yung mga hinihiling mo di mo nakukuha pero nakukuha ng ibang tao. Tapos parang mali naman malungkot kasi mas madaming di pinalad na iba.

Nasa gitna ka ng mga nagpapakasasa sa saya at ng mga salat sa mga bagay na di mo man lang siguro napupuna. Sabi ko nga kay maui nun, gusto kong maging masaya, yung totoong masaya, at di lang dahil alam kong madaming mas malungkot kesa sakin.

At sa mga panahong di ako masaya't di ko matukoy kung bakit, God sticks out like a sore thumb. Sya kasi ang pinakamadaling sisihin. "God ka naman e, ba't di Mo na lang ako pasayahin. Gamitan Mo na lang ng magic."

Basta ang dami ko masyadong tanong. Pero di pa rin Nya sinasagot.

Tapos kaninang umaga pagdating kong opisina, this thought kept ringing in my head: How come things aren't going exaclty as planned? (read: bakit di Mo ko pinapasaya?)
Sakto, naglapag si Janice ng isang pancake sa mesa ko, with maple syrup drawn on top of it like a cute little sun. "Cey o, tig-isa tayo."

And it hit me once more. These little things that just make me open my eyes to the fact that I can't force Him to do things according to my plans. May rason e. Di ko pa lang alam, basta meron...At sa mga panahong di ko yun maintindihan, He just won't leave me alone.

Gaya ng panahong pagod na pagod na ko sa page-AE't iniisip ko nang di ko na talaga kaya. Saktong naglapag si Ms. Helen ng muffins sa mesa ko't sabay sabi, "Cey, kain ka muna."

Para kong batang umiiyak at sinusuyo ng magulang. Di nga lang ice cream ang dala Nya. Pancake at muffin.

God is Bumblebee

2007-07-10T08:10:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been asking God some questions. Not to be overdramatic about it, (they're not the 'Why God, why?!?!' types) but, well...there have been some things I wanted to know about. In the absence of an oracle or any type of medium, the radio seems to have become a substitute. For all I know, I could be making these up. There may not even be any rationale behind how apt the songs that came up were for how I felt, and the things I've asked. But it feels good to think that maybe He's trying to tell me something...if I don't want to listen to that voice in my head, heart--or wherever that hunch or glint of wisdom may come from, then maybe I'd take notice of the one on FM. How sweet of Him.

Bora bora. Bang bang bang.

2007-06-27T09:18:00.000+08:00

Came home from sunny Boracay. And all the while I kept thinking about when to come back. Ayaw ko nang umalis sa Boracay. Sana may Leo Burnett Bora. Kung wala, sa totoo lang, pwede na kong mabuhay sa pagw-waitress dun. Tas titira ko sa fan room. O kaya, ...pwede kong magtayo ng mini-Recto stall. Magbebenta ko ng term papers sa mga bagets na nag-aaral dun na tinatamad magsulat. Mamumuhay ako sa chori burger. Pwede rin akong maging bugaw ng paraw o kaya banana boat. O kaya tindera ng aliw. Hindi yung bawal type ha. Yung makikipag-joketime ka lang sa kung sino mang malongkot at kaelangan ng kaosap. Pero malungkot ata magpabayad para sa ganung klaseng serbisyo, so erase erase na lang.

Haaaysarap. Kaso mamimiss ko ang maraming tao sa maynila. Tapos di naman ako makakapamuhay sa tubig-alat at buhangin lang. Pa'no na pag andun ako tas pasukin ang utak ko ng kung ano-ano pang pangarap na di ko naman pwedeng makuha nang walang kapera-pera...in other words, di kayang tustusan ng pagwe-waitress ko. E ano pa bang papangarapin ko kung nasa boracay na ko? Kung araw-araw parang panaginip lang. May makikita kang konting storm clouds, na biglang nawawala at napapalitan ng ibang klaseng sikat ng araw. Tas masaya ka lang. Masaya.

Baka kasi gusto ko lang maging bum. Hrrrmmm....bum. Ang sarap nun o. Hihilata ka sa buhangin, pupunta sa tubig pag naiinitan na. Palutang-lutang. Maglalaro ng mala-polvoron na buhangin sa kamay at paa. Magmumuni-muni tungkol sa kung ano-ano. Babalik sa buhangin pag nilamig nang konti. Pag nagutom kakain ng isaw o chori burger. O kaya chichibog sa smoke. Tatambay pag happy hour sa may del mar; o kaya sa gabi iinom ng strawberry shake. Sasayaw pag may tugtog. Matutulog pag pagod. Nang walang iniisip kung may client meeting ba o deadline bukas. Kung may patutunguhan ba yung ganitong klaseng pamumuhay. Kasi masaya lang, masaya. At alam mong pag tinignan mo ang magic wallet mo, bigla lang itong tinutubuan ng pera. Para bukas, tuloy-tuloy lang ang ligaya.

Sabay kakanta si Bob Marley.

Simple Pleasures

2007-05-18T10:19:00.000+08:00

Ang sarap.
Yung tipong napapatingala na ko sa langit,
minsan napapapikit,
napapanganga pa nga't
muntik tumulo ang laway.
"Aaah...aa-aahhhhh..hmmmmm"
With matching kinikilabutan ng kaunti.
May tingling sensation crawling down my spine
(much like that feeling when you have your hair
shampooed at the salon...hrmmmm...)

Yan. Yan ang pakiramdam habang unti-unting tinutuklap nila Ria at Milette ang langib mula sa likuran ko. Produkto ng ka-shongahan dahil di naglagay ng sunblock sabay nagbilad sa arawan nang mahigit 5 oras siguro.

Basta. Masarrrrap.
Malamang makakatulog na ko nang mahimbing ngayong gabi.
Di na pabale-balentong dahil di maintindihan kung paano ba dapat ilapat ang makating likod sa kama. Kasi ganito yun...para kang may bungang araw na bawal mong kamutin o ikiskis man lang sa poste. Pwede mo lang palu-paluin para wag masyado mangati. Pero yun lang. Aaargh. At ang init pa ng likod ko.

Bukas, hinog na ang balikat ko't lower back. Yun naman ang sunod na tutuklapin. Hrrrrmmmm.

Dragging my feet

2007-04-24T08:53:00.000+08:00

Lately, ang bagal kong gumalaw. Mas matagal akong bumangon mula sa kama. Mas mabagal akong maligo. Mas mabagal din ata ako maglakad papunta sa office. Siguro kasi mainit. Sa sobrang bilis kong magpawis, kailangan, mabagal lang ako kumilos, kundi jajabarin na ko. Pero ang mas rason, tinatamad ata ako.

Ever since grade five, when Ms. De Guzman taught us how to get ourselves excited for the next day, I've always made an effort to find something worth looking forward to tomorrow--no matter how small it may be. Well, not always, kasi minsan, parang di naman kailangan kasi parang ok lang umalis sa kama at ituloy na ang araw sa opisina. Pero ngayon, well, parang kailangang umeffort.

Anyway, I've been meaning to meet up with Maui kasi birthday nya bukas. Pero dahil ayokong makisabay sa mga ibang babati sa kanya, I chose to surprise her today. Akala ko this would be just another morning, pero habang sinusulatan ko yung tissue kasama ng Banoffee pie na dadalhin ko kay Maui, parang nag-iiba yung pakiramdam ko. And so I walked over to Maui's building.

Manong Guard: Sino po'ng kailangan nila?
cey: Si Maui po.
MG: Sino po sila.
cey: Pakisabi po si Bogart.

At paglabas ni Maui, inabot ko ang pie sa kanya, hinug ko sya, at binati ng happy birthday bukas. Tapos I saw her smile. And it was wonderful. We were so happy. Nagkwentuhan kaming sandali. There were a lot of catching-up to do, pero dahil hiram lang ang oras, kinailangan naming magbabay kagad. Pero ang weird...how a simple change in my usual morning route could brighten up the day. When I'm with my closest friends I always feel recharged. Game na game ako sa life. Parang magic.

Eto'ng weird thing sa'kin e...masyadong mabilis ang karma. Kaya nakakatakot mang-ga** ng ibang tao kasi alam kong mabilis ang kabig sa'kin. Pero this morning, I set out to brighten up Maui's day, and I went back to the office with a lot more sunshine than I deserved. And I went on my way dragging my feet no more.

Maui kept on thanking me for the pie. Come to think of it, I ought to be thanking her more. Happy birthday to one of the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful people I know. :)

It's a happy day.

Song for the day habang papasok ng office: Cool Change.

If I were to be something else right at this moment

2007-04-02T08:26:00.000+08:00

I'd choose to be my pillow. Not a Ms. Universe answer, no profound reasons behind it whatsoever, wala lang. Para hanggang ngayon, andun lang ako nakahilata sa kama ko. Tamad? Hindi naman, baka antok lang. Nakahilata, natutulog, o nagd-daydream ng kung ano-ano. Sarap.

Pero dahil malamang mainit na ng ganitong oras, I'd choose to be something else. Siguro, yun namang unan sa sala. Para pwede 'kong manood ng tv, uumpisahan ko na yung napirata kong Friends dvd's. Kaso, kung unan ako, wala akong kamay. Di ko mabubuksan yung tv. Pati, wala akong mata o tenga, di ko rin mae-enjoy yung pinapanood ko.

Bale...I'd wish to be something else uli? Balik na lang ako dun sa unan sa kwarto ko, mas di kumplikado.

300. 300!

2007-03-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

Di ko naman gustong panoorin ang 300. We've been watching the trailers from Marky's computer since last year, para lang i-showcase ang ka-astigan ng speakers nya. Pero, yun na. Parang ang dating lang sa'kin nun: A, ganda ng visuals, mukhang violent. Intayin ko na lang sa DVD. Ok lang kahit di ko mapanood.

But no! Last Saturday, Regi and I watched 300...at hanggang ngayon, bumibilis pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko tuwing naalala ko yung mga scenes sa pelikula.

Ok, fine...magpapakalalim ako kunwari: It's a great film about passion, love for country, faith in the people you lead/ in your leader...uhmm...and a whole lot more.

Di ko na ma-take. I'll leave it to the reaction-paper makers to flesh out the profound meanings of this movie. But for now, magpapakababaw ako. Mygazzzz, those abs were amazing! Ok, sabihin na nating computer-generated ang VFX, pero when I saw the outtakes on youtube and caught a glimpse of the oh-so-real abdominal muscles of those men. Shoke, mula babae, naging lalake ako't (namangha sa galing nilang mag-work-out), tapos nabakla nang Over--sa ganda ng katawan nila!

Ibang klase lang si God mag-create. Kaya pala ng tunay na tao maging ganun ka-amazing ang itsura. I never thought I could stare at men wearing trunks for almost two hours! Sa Bora kasi pag nakasalubong ka ng grown man wearing trunks, parang ikaw pa ang mahihiya para sa kanya...With matching thought-balloon na ,"Sir, iyo na lang ang sarong ko, umuwi ka muna ng hotel room mo't magshorts ka para mo nang awa." Pero ito, grabe, parang kahit maglakad sila sa Ayala nang ganun lang ang suot, di ako maasiwa...well, malamang mapapatitig nang matagal. Tapos sasabihin ko sa sarili kong, "Easy ka lang, wag kang gagalaw, baka magising ka."

Wala, kasi nakakatuwa lang. Parang pang-hero na katawan, pero totoong tao!

Richard asked me how my weekend went, sabi ko ayus naman, watched 300--he should watch it too ang sabi ko. Sabi nya, "Some people said it's too violent" Sabi ko, oks lang kasi mukhang pang-comics(graphic novel pala dapat) ang treatment, kaya di ka naman mago-gross out. Sabay hirit, "And those abs were just amazing!"
...medyo may pause...
Richard: Uhm, so is there something that men can appreciate in that film?
Cey: ...
Richard: ... I meant real men.
Cey:...
Cey:...Uhm, they had good lines. Well some were good in a Hollywood kind of way, but some lines were really nice.

Panis, di ko man lang nasabi na astig yung fight scenes, galing ng interaction ng mga actors sa isa't isa (parang gusto mong maki-comrade sa kanila...although kung andun ako baka iba ang intensyon ko sa pag-akbay sa kanila. joke lang regi), maganda yung shots, basta magaling, magaling. And to think na ang bata lang ng direktor!

Pero wala akong nasabi kasi puno pa ang utak ko ng abs. Abs, abs, na kay tigas parang kaya nilang tumayo ng kusa. Di ko akalaing pwede palang magka-8 pack! Talo pa ang beer.

Inspiring film nga naman. Not only because of the 'virtues' or beliefs the movie so oh-so-passionately portrayed--na tipong after watching the movie maiisip mo, walang imposible! Kaya natin 'to! Basta steadfast ka sa iyong paniniwala't prinsipyo, hindi ka mabibigo (kahit pa-ulanan ka pa ng pana ng kalaban at mamatay ka pa) Wag nilang ismolin ang Pilipinas...sama-sama, uusad tayo't magwawagi. (well, di ko naman naisip yun, pero siguro kung gumagawa ako ng HS reaction paper isusulat ko yun) Pero I'm sorry kung ang babaw, unang thought as I got up my chair: Hanep, kaka-inspire mag-work out.

***well, yung susunod na thoughts mala--ang saya siguro ng ni Frank Miller, ni Zach the direktor, mga artista, everyone part of the prod team, to have made something so great. Sana ako rin balang araw makagawa ng ganun. Di naman pelikula, pero basta something sa life. (ayun, at magakaron ng machong katawan.)

Nagkita kami ni Ligaya.

2007-03-07T18:12:00.000+08:00

Wooooohoooooooo!!!!
Yun lang. Sabi ni lilit, bakit daw ang lungkot ng laman ng blog ko. Hmmm, may punto. Kasi nga naman, pag malungkot ako, mas masarap tumalungko na lang sa upuan, magmuni-muni at kausapin ang sarili ko't mag-blog, kesa ang hawaan pa ng ka-bad tripan ko ang ibang tao.

Pero ngayon, para hinding-hindi ko ito makalimutan isusulat ko na...woooohooooo! Just came from a meeting at nakarinig ako ng matatamis na salita. (Kasing-tamis ng Sticky strawberries & cream traditional handmade candies galing kay Dax.)

"I liked it, I really really liked it." Ika nga ng dalawang kliyente.

Not one, but two. Jackpot!

Woooohoooooo!!!! Kahit na ang simple lang naman nung ginawa namin. Basta, masarap masarap marinig. Wala na kong masabi. Ika nga ni Homer Simpson, (one more time! kamon kamon) Wooooohooooooo!!!!!!

*mental note: tawagan si Francis, ang CSR ng SCB na sinungitan last week. pasalamatan sya sa kagalingan nyang mag-handle ng isang mainit na ulong tinubuan ng tao at nagtatatalak dahil nalabuan sa credit card statement. sabi mo gagawin mo last week, wag mong kalimutan. pay it forward.

On a Marchy Tuesday, 6 years ago.

2007-03-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

What was I doing then?
Probably counting the minutes 'til dismissal. Tapos direcho na ng ICTUS Tambayan. Yung ganitong klaseng sikat ng araw, bandang hapon, can't help but reminisce about the good 'ol college days. Walang pasok bukas, kaya pwedeng tumambay nang todo. Baka pupunta ng SC para magtapsilog sa Rodic's. Merienda pa lang yun. O kaya, pupunta sa coop para mag'grocery' ng biskwit na Smiley na pwedeng i-stock sa sasakyan--para dun sa mga panahon na bigla akong ginugutom habang nasa daan (o kaya mas trip 'tong ibigay sa nanlilimos kesa barya.) Pero bago pumunta sa tambayan, siguro dadaan muna ng Lib, konting research para sa kung ano mang paper na kailangang i-submit within the week o next week. Para di nakaka-guilty sakaling mapatagal ang pagtambay at pakikipagchikahan. Siguro magkikita kami nila Maui at Eca. Uupo sa bangketa sa labas ng simbahan, pag-uusapan ang mga nangyaring exciting sa buong linggo. Pagkkwentuhan yung mga crush sa iba-ibang mga klase. Pati yung mga crush ng crush namin pagkkwentuhan din, tapos iisipin kung ano kaya yung meron sila na wala kami. Tapos sabay-sabay namin ico-console ang isa't isa with statements like, "Di bale, mas maganda ka dun." o kaya, "E sus, di naman nya type yung guy, so wala din." or "Mas payat ka naman sa kanya."
Tapos, tapos na. Magyayayaan kami pumunta sa SC uli para mag-ikot lang. O kaya pag-uusapan kung ano bang susunod na proyekto ng ICTUS. Basta magtatawanan lang sa mga kung ano-anong bagay. Mapapaisip paminsan-minsan kung yung kabag ba ng tyan dahil sa init ng semento, o sa katatawa. Mainit, medyo nagpapawis-pawis ang likod at kleks, pero oks lang. Peyups days, wala pang arte sa katawan. Basta masaya lang...kahit iniisip yung papers na kailangang i-submit, at nalalapit na finals sa kung sa'n man. Pero exciting, kasi malapit na'ng mag-summer. Wala nang klase. Pero mag-summer classes kaya tayo? Para bawas na ang load next year pag nag-thesis. Mas madaling gagraduate. Tapos pwede na'ng maghanap ng trabaho.

Teka lang, tambay muna tayo.

Rainbows End.

2007-02-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday morning.
On our way to work.
Daddy and I passed by Reposo.
Up ahead was a rainbow whose end fell on the Makati Cemetery.

It felt funny, weird, eerie at some point. But I couldn't help but feel thankful for the gift of perspective. As the traffic moved along smoothly, so did the end of the rainbow. No longer did the pot of wonderful gold lie at the cemetery. It moved along on top of buildings--residential now, commercial later...then onto some office buildings.

A part of me wants to write more about this. A bigger part just wants to let things be. There's no need to explain the point. For the fear of muddling the idea. Someday when I'll look back on this post I'll know exactly what I mean.

but in case I forget, I think I need to write down some keywords: death, life, happiness, finding the end of the rainbow, some things you pursue may turn out to be a downright disappointment --dreary, dreadful, frightening even. But move along and things will turn out just fine. Enjoy the rainbow. You may never know where exactly it will end, but depending on how you look at it, it could always turn out good.

There. Don't forget cey.

Meetings and Wakes

2007-01-10T17:10:00.000+08:00

Okay. 4 years, well, almost 5 years after graduation...what will I be known for?
What makes me, me?

Ba't na naman ako nag-iisip ng ganito.
Aaah, yes yes yo. I just came from a grueling meeting. With my strength and enthusiasm once again sapped off me, I write.

Deaths...going to wakes, always put things in perspective for me. They always leave me reassesing my life. Weirdly, long client meetings have been having the same effects on me.

They do have lots of parallelisms. For one, ideas die in meetings too. Another thing is that they leave me thinking, wondering whether or not I've done enough-- Did my efforts lead to good results, or were they nothing but futile. It always runs around my mind: the thought that we're focusing so much effort, so much time, so many highfaluting words over...this.

But the reality is, it's not just soap. It pays my salary. It gives thousands of people jobs. It...it...it's not too small a deal. But obviously, neither is it that freaking big.

At the end of it all, I can't help but ask, is it really worth it?
It has to be. Because I have no other choice? That sucks. But a part of me says this measly soap plays a part in the whole scheme of things. This soap whitens, cleans. This soap employs thousands of people to make it and sell it. This soap washes dirt away from millions of people's clothes. I hope it washes this nasty feeling away.

Bottom line, this soap makes money, lets other people make money, and specifically, pays me money.

Oooooh that sucks. Big time.

So when I die, what will they write on my tombstone? Here lies someone who made some ads about a certain soap.

Goodness gracious holy bulaga.

I guess it's about time I start taking my new year's resolutions seriously. If I want to be worth something, matter, and be remembered for good reasons, I ought to start moving my bum now. Because that copy on my tombstone doesn't look too good.

Masakit, masarap!

2006-12-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

Sabi ni Seneca, "People love to touch their wounds, even when they know they hurt."

Oo nga naman. Parang yung mga old heartbreaks yan e. Ang sarap lang balik-balikan, paulit-ulit sa utak mo minsan; kahit alam mong somewhere deep down may sumasakit pa rin. But the thing is, may kakaibang sayang kasama yung lungkot e. Nostalgia ba yun? Mala. Basta, it's bittersweet. More sweet, than bitter.

Ang baduy no. Pero totoo pala yung sinasabi sa pelikula. Parang yung nasabi ni Nicolas Cage sa City of Angels, di eksaktong ganito, pero mala--"It was better to have spent two minutes with her; to touch her skin, kiss her lips...than to have spent the whole eternity not having met her." Ano bang punto ko?

Basta ang galing...na-gets ko na yung sinasabi nung mga sappy romantic movies na tipong if I had a choice between not having gone through all those heartbreaks and still having the chance to go through the good times even when it will all end in pain. Syempre, dun na sa huli. Kasi, masaya lang. Yung mga panahong nagpa-cutie cute cute kayo ng isang tao at nauwi lang sa wala. Well, not exactly wala. (kasi sa huli nagdrama ka, at some point swore off that race).

At isa pang maganda sa mga bittersweet moments na ganun. Parang mas matamis yung tagumpay sa huli. Matapos ang lahat ng shitty heartaches, yung aanihin mo pala sa huli, more than compensates for all those times when you thought true love won't happen. Yuck, an baduy. Pero I don't know how else to put it.

Mokoryofulufu

2006-10-11T19:41:00.000+08:00

I just came from a 2 hour telecon. Tired as expected. But more sad, that tired. Unbelievable, just how many brilliant minds were working to solve a soapy problem with the (seemingly) looming thought that whatever mistake we might make could turn the whole world upside down, start another war or open another gaping hole on the ozone. Yes, if we get through this campaign and air this new ad the best possible way, we will end up with a better world.

Here's the sucker. If I'm complaining so much, why don't I just unmute the phone and shout out: What the hell is it that you really want? I've only been in this business 5 years and already I feel as jaded as a 300 year old man.

Funny thing, when I walked into the meeting, I already had an inkling that it wouldn't go well. Do they ever? Do they ever? I'm just in a f**ed up mood right now, but I know that if I dig well enough into my subconscious I could find some memories of meetings that did go well. This just isn't one of them.

So going back to the bad trip point. Five years, five years and already I'm running on empty. Five years...four pa lang pala! Hay :c How will I even last? But the reality is, I have to make it last. This is, after all, a job. You know, something you have to do to get what do they call that...money?

Ay, oo nga pala.

A part of me wants to say: C'mon look at the bright side, they are good people after all. Yeah yeah. Ok, to be fair, they are good people. A bit rude in some meetings, but I can't say we always put in our best behavior even in the most heated arguments. Ok. There, they're good people. Good, meaning, they don't do this to intentionally hurt the other people on the other side of the phone. Good, meaning, basta, they're not evil.

But please, after this meeting, allow me to wallow in self-pity. Parang...okay lang if we were all trapped inside this room brainstorming about the cure for cancer. Or about the fool-proof path to world peace. But no. Sabon. Wow men. Sabon.

Okay, cey, mareklamo ka? Then get out. Yeah right. Get out your face. I guess this is one of those reasons that make being a grown up so much un-fun compared to being a kid. You realize you have to do things because, well, you have to. You no longer do things out of whim, out of wanting to, out of knowing that at the end of all this shit you're going to find fulfillment.

Bwahahahaha.

Bilangin na lang natin ang blessings. Were it not for clients like these, who will pay our salary? Ang lungkot naman ng thought na yun. Sad, sad sad, but oh so freaking true.

Ang sarap tuloy gumawa ng wishlist:
1. Sana manalo ako sa lotto nang hindi tumataya. Oh wouldn't it be wonderful if a stray lotto ticket would come flying in the air and land so magically on my knee as I sit watching the television surfing the channels and suddenly chance upon the results on channel 4. Tapos winning numbers yung nasa magic lotto ticket. At 200 gazillion ang pot. Potek, ang saya non men. Tapos bibili ako ng ahensya at ng kompanya tapos ako ang writer pati kliyente. Tungaw...magpapagulong-gulong na lang pala 'ko sa pera. Fine, bibigyan ko din yung nararapat.

2. Clients who'd tell you, "Overall I like it." nang walang kadungtong na But...

3. Pero yung may input pa rin ha. Di naman yung tipong nag-present ka lang sa sarili mo. And if you think their inputs won't do anything to make the ad better, you could all just forget about it, tapos bati na kayo.

4. Clean air forever.

5. Tubuan ng kulugo ang lahat ng kurakot. One kulugo for every peso stolen.

6. Wala nang mahirap sa mundo.

7. Disiplina sa Pilipinas.

8. Good health sa lahat.

9. Wala nang masamang tao, hayop o kung ano pa man.

10. Rainbows kung kailan mo gusto. Kahit walang ulan before they appear.

11. Free time on demand.

12. Chocolates na nakakapayat habang kinakain.

13. Mahaba at masayang buhay sa lahat ng may gusto nito.

Wow...ayan. konting lungkot na lang. Hmmm, parang eto ang equivalent to making one thousand jumping jacks to create enough endorphins to erase the sorrow. Pero napagod daliri ko. Okay lang.

Isa pa palang wish. Gusto kong mag-Bora.

happy birthday. / ! ./! ./! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-24T00:11:00.000+08:00

It’s over. Not yet. But in less than thirty minutes, it will be.
It’s just so weird. When I was younger, I couldn’t help but wish that God would fast forward all the years and make me older.

Now that I’m here.
Well, I’m here. And, I can’t say that it’s not what I had expected. Because things turned out well within my expectations.

I’m wishing that I was younger.
I’m hoping that I’d be easier to please, easier to happify. (make happy that is.)

Here’s the deal. I am happy. Spent the whole day with Regi. Had dinner with the family. Had advanced celebrations with friends from college and the office. Will be having extended bday celebrations till next week. Good, still have something more to look forward to. Bday’s not yet over.

Okay, so no reason to be sad. Heeeeeaaarrrgh.

But how come I feel so weird? Maybe I’m just tired. Afraid, maybe? Of what?

Of moving farther and farther away from youth and knowing how apparently I’ve become an adult and should start thinking like an adult, arguing like an adult, being complacent, being sad over things that didn’t even matter when I was younger, seeing all life’s complications, being miserable over wants, being taken over by unnecessary anxieties, succumbing to boredom, accepting mediocrity, seeing problems more than fun, complicating life (oh, I’ve said that already)

Of having to have a say in things, of having to say the right things, of holding more responsibility for my actions, for my thoughts, for what I have to do with my life, of wanting more, of looking like I achieved less that what I’ve dreamed of, Of working hard, slaving off and forgetting what exactly for, of cycles I can’t break away from, of a gazillion things Peter Pan would never have had to worry about.

Of not flying over the simplest things.

Oh God, the drama queen has entered the room.

Maybe I just need to sleep. A big chunk of me wants to end this on a high note; with something positive.

Think mind. Think…

Shut up bokbok. You’re alive aren’t you? Would you rather not be?

Good. That’s settled then.

Be Happy.

Thing is, nobody’s immune to sadness. I’ll bet even Peter Pan, in all his eternally youthful glory felt sad and afraid over things only adults, as others believed, were supposed to be afraid of. Barrie only failed to mention it in the book.

Okay, maybe there weren’t adult-sad moments for him. But the point is, cut the crap.
You’re getting older. Deal with it.

Are you really sad, or are you just conforming? Because it has been an age-old tradition after all to start fearing getting older once you cross a certain threshold, around 20ish or 30ish for some…

Okay, so you’re no longer a kid. There are good points to this ageing process. That, you can’t deny. As with everything, this too has got its own set of advantages and disadvantages. And life, is a matter of getting the most of the former, least of the latter.

You are happy Cey. You’ve just turned 25. Congratulations./!

As for your fears. Well, you could spend the whole night griping, or you could just get yourself to sleep. Give yourself some time to dream, then live again the next day. 25, it’s just a figure. You could be happy or sad at any age. Quit ranting. You want to be happy, right? Then be happy.

Got it? Yup. Good. Okay.

Thank you God, I’m 25. Sincerely, thank you.

I miss weekends

2006-06-01T19:37:00.000+08:00

Friday na bukas.
Sa wakas. Makakatikim din ng weekend.
Sugarbollywow. For the first time in more than a month, makakatikim din ako ng Sabado. Makakatulog nang hindi kailangang gumising sa alarm clock. Gigising para isipin kung babangon na ba para manood ng tv o bumalik para matulog uli. Maliligo kung aalis lang sa gabi. Makakapagkwentuhan ang nanay at tatay ko. Makakapag-date with regi. Makikipagkita sa mga kaibigang ilang beses nang tinext ng sorry di na NAMAN ako pwede.

Weekends. Precious nga naman. Di lang dahil oras 'to para magpahinga kundi dahil eto ang panahon para sa mga bagay na mas importante pa sa trabaho. Bukod sa di makapanood ng tv, ang pinakapanget pag nawawalan ng weekends, wala nang oras para sa mga taong di naman dapat isinasantabi. Kaso ganun e. 5 araw sa trabaho, sa 2 araw, bahala na kung paano pagkakasyahin para sa mga mahal sa buhay na di kinikita buong linggo.

Parang may mali no? 2 days lang para dun...E ganun e. Kung wala ka namang trabaho, may 7 araw ka nga para kitain ang lahat ng mga kapamilya, kaibigan at iba pang mga mahal sa buhay, wala ka namang pera para gawin ang mga gusto nyo, kumain ng masarap, bumili ng magagandang regalo, pumunta sa mga magagandang lugar.

So pano na?

Sino bang nag-imbento ng konseptong 'to. E, teka, sino ba ng may sabing kailangang sumunod? Di naman tayo tinutukan ng baril para maging ganito. Pinasok nang walang karekla-reklamo. Tas pag andito na...ayun mag-aasim.

Teka, hindi ako nag-aasim.
Akchwali, masaya naman e. Walang bull****. Kaso, ayoko lang na pag ma-libre lang ng konti, make-up time naman. Panget, pag make-up lang, kasi di pwedeng maging kaibigan, gelpren, anak nang real time. Ang baduy.

Tama nang pag-aasim. Basta bukas Biyernes na. Tapos matamis na uli ang Sabado't Linggo.

Bokbok talks

2006-04-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

Ephemeral. When you get older, it's amazing how handy this word becomes in describing relationships. Not all I hope, but some. It's not that you want them to be, but that's how things turn out. Either that or erratic; more like sporadic. The longer you go through life, the easier it is to accept that you're going to go through it for the most part alone. Sad? Not necessarily. But true.

That's bokbok speaking. Ang hari ng pagmumukmok. Panira ng ligaya. Tagahila sa realidad pag nakaangat masyado ang ulo ko sa ulap.

Pero may punto. Kaya siguro mas madali maging detached. Para pag may nawala, di kailangang kalungkutan. Kaso nga lang, mejo hilaw pag dating sa pag-aalaga sa mga dapat alagaan, sa pagsabi ng 'i love you' dun sa nararapat.

O baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip. Diba sabi nila, start with the end in sight. Tama ba? Sa tamang konteksto, oo. So it's easier to see your goal, to visualize, imbibe what lies after the finish line.

Pero, pwede bang magsimula nang di tinatanaw kung anong nasa dulo? Minsan kasi nakakatakot lang isipin what lies ahead. Pero di kaya unfair yun sa kasabay kong tumakbo? Ewan. Bahala na. A basta.

E ano ba kasi ang kinatatakutan ko sa dulo? Kasal? Hiwalayan? Pagpapamilya, o pag-iisa? Ba't ko ba 'to iniisip?

Ewan.

Basta, wala namang sigurado sa mundo. Isa isa lang. Isa-isa lang muna. Kung ano-ano kasing pinoproblema, di naman kailangan. Itigil ko na nga to.

Eto lang. Sana kung ano man ang ending, walang masasaktan. Lahat masaya. Ano ba 'to. Tumatanda na ata ko. Wag masyado, ayoko.

Reconnecting

2006-03-30T11:30:00.000+08:00

Last night I went to dinner with my high school friends. And it just feels so good to reconnect…not only with old friends, but with my old self. Parang walang lumipas na oras habang nagkwentuhan kami uli tungkol sa mga dating pangarap, dating pananaw, dating mga hinaing. Alam naming may mga nagbago na, pero ang sarap lang uli makasama nung mga taong ka-antabay mo habang binubuo mo pa lang yung mga panaginip mo; at alam mong di ka nila huhusgahan kung di mo pa man yun naaabot, o kung nagbago man ng tuluyan ang mga inaasam-asam mo. Basta alam mong masaya sila para sayo. At masaya ka rin para sa kanila. Walang regrets. Masarap. Nakakarecharge.

Hairrrrrr.

2006-02-04T09:39:00.000+08:00

Last night I had my haircut. And I felt unbelievably awful when I suddenly put my eyeglasses to see the final product.

This is what I get for not clearly stating what I want. Thing is, I’m the type of person to say what I want. Sometimes however, I don’t get to, because it’s either what I want still isn’t too clear for me, or I’d like to get a bit of a surprise.

Last night I was surprised all right. Surprised to see almost the same unbelievably plain hairstyle I went with 45 minutes ago. I entered and left the salon the same person, P500 poorer though.

It’s a stupid haircut, deal with it. The hair’s been chopped off, there’s nothing you could do with it. Better than spilled milk, I guess, because hair grows back up; milk doesn’t.

Still I feel awful. When I went home, I kept on coming back to the mirror to check. Probably in the hopes that at some angle, or under a different lighting condition it would look better. It didn’t.

Now I woke up, still hoping that it’s gotten better in 7 hours. It hasn’t.

Stupid, stupid haircut. This is what you get for not spelling out what you want.

The worst part is that I had no one else to blame but myself. Felt bad for the stylist though. Because I knew he read my mind. It’s quite easy to do that when you’re faced with someone who’s undeniably transparent expressions can’t hide anything, even when tried so hard. Felt bad for my friends who went with me that night because they had to hear me rant. Awful display of dramatics on a wonderful Friday night. I probably should’ve kept my (#(@*$) feelings to myself. Then, they wouldn’t have felt bad, because they too wanted me to get the haircut. Maybe they felt they had something to do with this stupid incident. They didn’t. It was unfair to them. It was all a product of MY bad briefing to the stylist; MY inability to describe what I really really wanted; MY carelessness not to check from time to time…knowing that this has already happened before.

(The thing is, when I take off my eyeglasses, I practically see nothing on the mirror but a blob of brown with something black on top. That would have otherwise been my face and my hair being cut off in the process, to someone with clear vision)

Stupid, stupid way to burn money. Ok. Fine. This haircut would’ve been perfectly ok—if I paid 1/3 the price. I could’ve done something similar to this with a pair of scissors.

Stupid, stupid me. This has happened before. The reason why I haven’t gone to a salon in 3 years is because I always end up with a haircut so far from what I want. The reason why I’ve started to learn how to cut my own hair. (which yes, sometimes looks like I’ve gotten gum stucked to my hair the other night; but still I did it for free. And for me, it was what the look that I wanted)

Honestly, I didn’t have a clear picture in my head of what it is I wanted. I had them in broad strokes, probably. Ultimately, what I wanted was change. This wasn’t change at all. In fact, it’s not all that shitty. It’s not even bad. That’s what makes it so stupid. It’s not even bad, it’s not good; it’s uncannily mediocre. I hate it.

I knew I’d be walking in the mall seeing one out of 5 people with probably the same hairstyle. How unique.

I tried to ask the stylist to fix it, to make the layers chunky; to make me look different. He said I’d have to wait because chopping off more that night would’ve meant an even worse result both for my hair and for my stupid facial expression.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe this looks good on me. As of last night, I didn’t care. This wasn’t what I wanted.

I feel awful. For the most part, because of the repeated mistake. Still haven’t learned your lesson, cey…Next time, know what you want first, before you do something. Don’t just let someone else do it for you, and expect that it’s going to be good at the first try. Say what you really, really want. That way, even when you don’t end up with something good, you’ll at least wallow in the thought that you got what you wanted. Next time, ok cey? Fine. Learn from this, and then move one. Quit whining, it’s irritating. Oh, and one more thing, when you whine, please don't ruin anyone else's time but yours? Thanks.

Fine. Noted.

P.s.
Deep down I’m hoping this turns out like the pair of jeans ate bought for me 12 years ago. I hated it the first time I tried it on. Only to turn out wearing them every chance I got, and loving every moment of it. I don’t know how exactly that happened. Morgan Freeman’s words come to mind—since when did people know what they wanted?

Eraserheads nga naman

2006-01-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

Ilang taon nang lumipas. They still haven't lost their magic. Mag-aalas tres na't nasa opisina pa din kami. May tinatapos na trabaho. OT ika nga...Pero tumutugtog ang Eheads. Haneeep. Gising na gising pa rin ako. Kani-kanina lang sinisipon pa ko, kinakabahan na manghina. Bawal magkasakit sa mga panahong 'to. Pero ang sarap, sarap, sarap lang uli makarinig sa boses ni Ely, tugtugan nila Raymund, Markus at Buddy. Akala ko college, high school, grade school ako uli!! Blast from the past. Haneeeep.

Wala na ata akong ibang bandang minahal pa. Pero bwiset, bat kailangang magkahiwa-hiwalay pa sila. Kailangan bang isabuhay nila ang kasabihang, all good things must come to an end. bullshyeth. Kung may magic lamp lang ako ngayon sa tabi ko, iwiwish kong sana ibalik ng genie ang dating tuwa, saya, at kakaibang musika ng tunay at nag-iisang Eheads. Yun, plus 1million more wishes. Syempre madami pa kong gustong hilingin.

Fine, world peace malamang isa dun. Atsaka sana masaya forever and ever ang lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. Okay. Lahat na sa mundo.

At isa pa, sana manalo kami sa 6/45 at 6/49 mega lotto.

Wooooo-hooo!!!

On love and shoes

2006-01-10T12:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I fell in love.

I had nothing specific in mind as we walked around the mall. I just knew it was time to buy my Christmas gift. Any style would’ve worked, assuming of course they had my size. But after a few stores and a number of running shoes I’ve seen, my eyes were fixed on a pair that casually called to me to come try and fit it.

I just knew I wasn’t going for anything white—because white shoes, are hard to clean. So I was drawn to those made mostly of dark tones. There it was, in between two other pairs…running shoes which would have been otherwise so ordinary. But no, I already had a Nike on my right foot which seemed to fit me just well, (plus it was undeniably on the budget) but these black/blue shoes just seemed to feel right. I hadn’t even tried them on, but they absobluminutely felt right for me. We were meant for each other, I just knew it.

Regi said so too. I actually pointed them out casually, but he was the one who excitedly said, “Yan, oo yan, mas okay!”

So I asked the salesman to get me those shoes in…eherm…size 9. Too bad the largest size they had was 7.

But this time, I already knew what I wanted. In my head, I already had a picture of the perfect running shoes. This would make for a great Christmas gift! I never thought running shoes hunting could become so exciting.

We went back to the Adidas store, they didn’t have that style. To Toby’s…they didn’t have it either. To Sports Central…but the salesman just gave me a surprised look when I asked for the style in size…9.

“Ma’am, UK size ba ‘yan o US? “

“A, e, US, size 9. Alam kong size 9, kasi may sinukat na kong size 9, pero ibang style yun e.”

After a few minutes, he hands me over the shoes and says, “Ma’am, pasensya ka na ha (nagulat ako) kasi ngayon lang ako nakarinig sa babae ng…size 9. Ang laki pala ng paa nyo.”

Ok lang, sanay na ko. Maliit lang ako, pero sadyang malaki ang paa ko. Wala namang ibig sabihin ‘yun pag babae ka diba?

Still, the largest size they had was 8 1/2. Aaarrrrgggghhhh….

He tried to make me compromise. Maybe it’ll expand, then it’s going to fit me perfectly! Or maybe I could try the other styles. They’ll probably feel just as good. Pero ang sabi ko lang sa kanya, “Hindi e…(eto seryoso, sinabi ko talaga to drive home the point) Alam mo ‘yun…napatibok na nya yung puso ko? Iba e.”

Na-gets na nya. Tinuro pa nga kung saan kami baka makakita ng same style pero may size ko.

On to more stores. We searched bldg.A then bldg B for other stores which carried Adidas. Minsan pa nga pinilit kong magtingin sa Reebok, sa Fila, sa Nike, baka sakaling may humigit sa kanya…pero wala. Wala talaga. There was only one specific style I had in mind: Adidas Tremor, size 9.

Pero wala talaga.

So I went home, brokenhearted. Naawa na nga si Regi sakin e. Buti pa sya, isang tingin lang sa mga nakadisplay na basketball shoes, alam nya kagad yung gusto nya. Kuha ng size. Sukat. Solb. Nabili namin kagad yung Christmas gift nya.

(Kundi lang ako makulit na nagsabing magtingin muna sa ibang tindahan baka mas mababa ang presyo dun, bibilhin na nya kagad. Pero matapos mag-ikot, dun din kami sa unang store bumagsak. Ang galing e.)

Hemingways…

Today, I came to the office itching for lunch time. Today, I will find you.

Pag patak ng alas dose, takbo kagad ng Gbelt. Wala sa Adidas. Sa Landmark, andun…pero walang size. Direcho ng isa pang Adidas sa Glorietta 3…wala na naman!!! Sa Cinderella, meron ding style…pero 8 1/2 ang biggest! Sumpa ba ang 9 na paa?! Ano ‘to, parang roller coaster ng emosyon. Sasaya, aasa, pero madidisappoint dahil wala pala. Walaaaaa!!

Aaarrrggghhhhh! Why God? Alam kong OA, pero type ko na talaga sya, bakit di pwede? Bakit nyo pa pinakita sakin kundi rin naman pala pwedeng makuha ko sya? Ang saklap.

I was supposed to go back to the office already, but there was one other choice…SM Makati.

Pero teka, malayo…at saka, may oras pa ba? Kaya pa, lunch time pa din…Skip na muna sa chibog. I had to know I did everything I can, given the time I had, to search for those perfect shoes. Ewan, basta may nagging feeling na kailangan kong subukan pa rin sa SM. Yun na lang. Last na. Kung wala doon, wala na talaga. Magmumukmok na lang ako.

Malay mo, someday, I’ll find the perfect pair, tapos sale pa. Or, hindi ko na lang hahanapin. Basta, pag namasyal na lang ako, bahala na, pag may makita pang ibang running shoes. Basta, di na ko maghahanap, I’ll just wait for the perfect shoe to come along. Tutal, I started off with no expectations when I started this search. Might as well abandon all hope and start anew.

Pero nasa glorietta na ko e…kaya sige. Fight!

Pagdating ko nang SM, parang kumakaway-kaway pa sya sakin. Yooo-hooo!! Andito lang ako.

“Miss! Meron kayo nun, size 9?”

Tingin ang miss sa notebook ng inbentaryo.

Suspense. Over. Parang slow-mo habang binubuksan nya yung notebook tapos dahan-dahang hinahanap yung style ng sapatos…at kung may size 9 nga ba…

“Ah, meron.”
One of the sweetest words I’ve heard this year (kakasimula pa lang ng taon e)

Isa pa nga…”MERON.”

At eto pa…iisa na lang.

Sinukat ko. Sakto. Ang ganda nya. Ang ganda nya talaga. At ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam nang magkita pa kami nang halos di na ko umaasang makakamtan ko pa sya.

It was a match made in SM.

Ngayon, parang nahuhuli ko lang ang sarili kong napapatingin sa kanya. Minsan, totoo, di pa rin ako makapaniwala halos na sa dinami-dami ng pinuntahan ko’t, nag-akala na kong mapupurnada na ang pagkuha ko sa kanya, e kami din pala ang magkakatuluyan. Totoo pala, kung kayo talaga, kayo.

Christmas is HERE!

2005-12-22T17:33:00.000+08:00

As I walked towards the office I could not help but feel it in the air. It's oh-so-wonderfully true, Christmas IS here. There's an unexplainable flurry of cheers that seems to reek out of every person on the street. Despite all the obvious reasons not to be happy, Christmas really is unstoppable.

Despite the fact that I haven't even started wrapping my presents (well, at least I'm done buying them!) the panic and frenzy can't even prevent me from declaring this as a carefree, cheerful time.

It's just nice to be happy, to be excited for Christmas again. I don't know if I was this happy last year. Probably. It probably feels a bit more heightened this time around because Cris and Ate Lilet are here. Except for Dave and Tita Bot, the family's all here! Wooo-hooo! Plus with Gelo and Ica, the newest members of ever-so small Enriquez family. This really is a happy Christmas. Ahhh...quality time with the family. (syempre, with friends and lovey-dudey regi din :))

And, I haven't even opened my gifts yet! Unlike the other years when my EQ waned to .2678 and evidently made me peep and...open all my gifts even before the 24th. Come Christmas time I had nothing to look forward to; especially in these years when Santa doesn't exactly come around any more. So there. Except for 1 gift which I opened (the humongous Sponge Bob 'canister' filled with butter popcorn...yeah yeah yeah!) I'm still in for some surprise. Who says Christmas is only for kids? I wish to uphold my right to still be happy despite my un-kiddie status. Come to think of it, I still am a kid. Who cares if I'm 24? There's no law saying that once you stop believing in Santa Claus you're no longer qualified to be a kid and be ecstatic during this season.

Well, there is another reason why I'm happy...finally i've gone to confession. Hah! Yes, even in this day and age when it's easier to believe that it's no longer needed, I just felt the need to go through it. Deep down I still believe (no matter how cheesy / seemingly self-righteous it may sound) that it's nice to have a 'clean' heart during these times. Ok. 'Clean' may be a relative term; but the point is, it just feels good to have gone to confession right in time for His birth. Sort of feels like the good ol' grade school days.

Finally, this year's about to be over. Not to be unfair to 2005, it's had its good points. Still, there have been moments of pain. There's a nice feeling in knowing that next year's a clean new slate. Hah. 365 new days. 365 new reasons to plan and dream. 365 new reasons to wake up and be thankful that you're breathing. As if the last 6 days aren't worth being thankful enough. Heck, there's a certain joy in looking at the coming days as something...well...for lack of a more profound term...NEW.

Parang bagong sapatos. Bagong damit. Bagong taon. May ibang dating ang bago. Pero bago ang lahat...salamat sa Diyos sa Pasko; espesyal ang dating ng pagsalubong sa 2006. Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!!! At syempre, may rason para magbakasyon. stop look and listenn to the bells to the ringing of the bells...

teka. malayo na ang usapan. basta masaya. MASAYA!!!! woooo-hooooo!!!!! Merry Christmas!! Thank you God, masaya ako. Ang selfish naman...pero sana lahat ng mga mahal ko sa buhay masayang-masaya din. While we're at it, sana buong mundo masaya; pero dahil may favoritism ako--sana pinakamasaya ang mga Pinoy! Siguro naman somewhere may Kano, Aprikano, Chinez, o iba pang nagmimithi na ang lahi nya ang pinakamasaya. so okay, patas lang ang laban.

osya, may Christmas dinner pa kong pupuntahan. Eto'ng isa pang masarap sa pasko, more effort to reconnect and spend time with friends. Hayyy....basta. masaya lang.

Good, bad, good, good GOOOD.

2005-12-13T04:52:00.000+08:00

It’s almost creepy. I was going through some old docs in the computer when I came upon a document entitled: sunny wed.

============

8.24.05

It’s a Wednesday afternoon and the sun is shining oh so brightly.
I almost thought it was a Saturday, a Sunday even.

And suddenly I have this light feeling.
I am happy. For whatever reason, I’m not too sure.

Rod Stewart’s crooning in the background.
I still haven’t found dad’s Hotdog tribute CD. But still I feel happy. Is there something wrong with that?

============

Nothing’s really special about it. But here’s the deal. I wrote it the day before my house caught fire. It gave me the creeps. So is that it? When you feel suddenly oh-so happy, you ought to be wary? Because come tomorrow something bad, no…drastic just may happen.

Awful awful thought. But it’s a reality: I felt unexplainably happy on a given day, and come tomorrow, something totally devastating occurs. How else am I supposed to explain that?

Thing is, I can’t. Maybe it’s better not to put much thought on it. Blame it on coincidence. Hayyy…coincidence. Some cosmic interference must’ve caused these events to happen one after the other. For all I know it could’ve happened the other after the one. Huwaht?! Though that might not seem too logical, wouldn’t it?

Fine. So one good thing’s followed by an excruciatingly painful one. Suddenly I remember those kilig moments followed all too suddenly by heartbreaks... Should this be a reason to believe (P&G speak?!) that that’s how the world turns? I know there have been other moments in my life when this type of order occurred, but even when it’s far easier to generalize and cast this out as a rule, I would much rather not.

Because then every good thing would be smeared by the fear of a bad thing happening right after. What good should happy moments serve then? Suddenly I remember Dessa (fellow Ictusian) when she said, “I’ve stopped living my life waiting for the big axe to fall” For better illustration, let’s replace it the axe with an anvil. After all, isn’t it nice to sometimes think of ourselves as lone roadrunners nonchalantly speeding through the vast desert despite the fact that we know, (oh yes, the cartoonist said so) that the coyote’s got another ACME anvil hung over somewhere in our paths, waiting for our heads to pass.

Exciting lang.

Then again, there’s comfort in knowing that God the great cartoonist just won’t let the anvil fall flat on our heads. Unless of course we ignore all His warnings, and we truly need a head-bumping ‘learning experience’. Oh well, that’s another story.

For now, I would like to believe that not all good things are followed by bad events. There’s even a higher probability for bad things to be followed by surprisingly good ones. After all, despite all those kilig-moments cut abruptly by heartaches, I found Regi. Forgive the mushiness. It’s a happy thought nonetheless :)

on hopes and people

2005-12-01T10:39:00.000+08:00

It’s not good to pin your hopes on people. Because people tend to disappoint. Yesterday that’s what I thought…I was proven wrong. Because although some may tend to fail your expectations, others unexpectedly go beyond.
(note: shoes' owners not necessarily related to the people referred to in this entry. Astig lang tignan, tsaka mukhang swak sa entry yung visuals e... :)

Two-thousand-what?!

2005-11-25T12:24:00.000+08:00

For some weird reason, I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that it already is 2005. Sometimes I still catch myself writing down 2004. When in a few months, its already going to be 2006.

It’s all moving too fast for me, I seem to have a rather hard time catching up. Catching up, or trying mighty hard not to let time move past, and obviously failing?

Here I go again catching myself fixated over the past, and unbelievably doing nothing about it.

Unfinished book to date: Peter Pan.

Better than.

2005-11-24T11:03:00.000+08:00

What makes a person better? Or at least, want to be better?

Is it the thought that someone’s watching?
Is it the prospect of a reward?
Is it the fear of missing out on something?
Of dying early?
Of not being good enough?
Is it the wonder to impress.
To please?
The want to be ‘better than’
The desire to be wanted

What?

Is it the discontent over what he or she is now?
Is it the knowledge that it is possible?

(nov.23, 3005)

Shhhlinggg!

2005-11-12T13:42:00.000+08:00

When do you know when enough is enough?

Naks. Kala mo kung gaano kaseryoso e no. Ang pinupunterya ko lang naman e, ‘pag umiinom ka, pa’no mo ba alam na dapat tumigil ka na…kasi malakas ang tama sa’yo maya-maya, mahihilo ka pag bumangon ka bukas, at higit sa lahat, magsisisisi ka that you took those last…ilang shots uli?!

My gas. Yes. I had a lot of gas. Pero teka. Let’s start from the very beginning. Bakit ko nga pala muna sinusulat ‘to cey? Aaaah, tama…para hinding-hindi ko malimutan yung gabing yun. Para di na maulit, okay? Hindi na mauulit dapat ha?

Game.

Tamang-tama ang simoy ng hangin. Di malagkit, di naman sobrang lamig. Gabi na, pero may mga lumulusong pa din sa tubig. Yung mesa namin, pinakamalapit sa shore. Dumating ang isang pitsel ng Mindoro sling. Pink, may apples pang lumulutang-lutang. Ano ‘to punch? Punch lang pala e. But wait, bakit hindi baso ang kasama ng pitsel, shot glass?! Siguro, para mas matipid? Para mas matagal maubos?

Hala sige, tuloy-tuloy ang kwentuhan. Pag balik pa namin ni Regi sa table nagtataka kami kung ba’t tumatawa sila Baq & Grace. Kaya pala…Near our table a bunch of kids dug a hole. So everytime a group of girls in skimpy clothes or men in their board shorts passed us by, one of them suddenly disappears (o sige OA ang disappears) at the very least, loses his/her balance. Ang babaw no. Pero nakakatawa lang, pramis. O epekto ba yun nung shling? Ewan. Basta, pagkatapos ng ilang babae’t lalakeng na wa-poise sa harapan namin, tumigil na kami sa katatawa. Baka kami pa ang pagdiskitahan, pagkamalang kami ang naghukay nung butas sa dilim. Pero I must say ha…magandang alterantive source of entertainment.

Ayosh. Paubos na yung isang pitsel. Nung una, tahimik lang ang kwentuhan. Tapos mejo lumalakas na ang tawanan. May pa-apir apir pang nalalaman pag maganda ang joke. Of course, lilipas ba naman ang gabi without me going to the CR to relieve my ever-reliable/ ang bilis mapunong pantog?

Mga ilang balik pa. Parang mas madaling magpatihulog kesa ang maglakad. Tas naririnig ko yung ibang tao…Op op…sabay extend ng kamay to help. Ba’t kaya. Aaah, kasi malalaglag na ko. Ayun, nakabalik pa rin naman sa upuan nang safe.

Shige pa. Shige. Hep. Tigil muna. Parang nanlalamig yung batok ko. Hmmm, parang ganito din yung naramdaman ko nung lumagok-lagok ako dati ng bend me over (which to my dismay I had to discover the hard way what it meant…) sa pag-aakalang juice lang ito na may konting-konting halo ng kung ano mang alcohol. Parang sumasama yung pakiramdam ko. Pero sayang ang gabi. Hala, sige, buhos lang nang buhos!

Omygas. Yes, gas lang ‘to. Makukuha sa burp. Ilang dighay pa nawala din yung sakit ng batok ko at paninigas ng sikmura. Orayt, tuloy ang ligaya.
May dumaang magbabalot, bumili si Baq. Gusto ko din sana…kaso, hmmm. Wag na lang. Kaka-dinner lang namin kanina e. So, dapat ok lang na walang pulutan diba? Diba…?

Woooo-hoooo! Yeaaaahhhhh…Sayaw naman tayo. Sayaw tayo. Shwing. Shwing. Blag. Masarap pala humiga sa buhangin pag gabi. Tinatamad na sana ako bumangon kaso hinila ako ni Regi para tumayo.

Ubos na? Isa pang pitsel! Hala, sige, fight naman kami.

Di na namin naubos yun e. Halfway thru the second pitcher ata inantok na…kaya pack-up na pack-up. Log-tu na log-tu.

Pag gising ko, wow men, umiikot ang mundo ko. Ilang beses ata ako bumalik sa banyo para sumuka. Ahshet. Tubig lang ang katapat nito. Pag inom ko ng tubig, after a few minutes, balik sa banyo para ilabas uli.

Di kaya gutom ako? So game, niyaya ako ni Regi kumain. Baka kailangan lang malamanan ang tiyan. Mainit na sabaw. Gusto ko ng Mami. Maaaaahhhhmmmmmmmiiiiiiiii.

I finally got the courage to get off the bed and get some breakfast. Lakad ng konti. Kaya pa…kaya pa…bweck…balik balik balik.

I never even got to the door. Sa gate pa lang inabutan na ko. Yeba. Binuhusan ko na lang ng tubig. Di naman siguro mapupuna ng kapitbahay?

Okay okay, let’s try this one more time. Kaya mo ‘yan Cey…kaya mo yan…Kapit kay Regi para di bumagsak. Whew…ayan na ang kainan. “Miss, isang order ng wooowww meron silang Mami!!” Parang yung inimagine ko kanina.

Hmmmm…Now I’m going to get better! Or so I thought. A few sips of the soup and I was holding the waitress’ arm begging her to point me towards the CR. Strike One! Oh, look, is that my mami? It looked just the same when I saw it only a few minutes ago…only…it was in a different type of bowl.

Break muna. Balik sa tubig. Tubig…Sige konti pang tubig. Balik na naman sa banyo. Nakakahiya, nakatingin na yung ibang tao sa mesa. Nakatalungko lang ako with my bowl of steaming hot Maggi chicken noodles in front of me.

Di ko na ‘to ma-take. Ibang klaseng learning experience. Take in mami, take out mami. Take in tubig, take out tubig. Reversed peristalsis at its finest. I’m never drinking again. Ayoko na po. Di na po mauulit. God, sorry na please sorry na. Tama na please!

Nakatalungko na lang ako sa mesa. Nagtitinginan ang iba pang kumakain. Kebs lang ako. Pag nasa ganung sitwasyon ka, wala ka nang energy isipin pa ang iniisip ng ibang tao. Basta, sana na lang, umayos na ang lahat!

Called robby. Remembered him telling a story a few weeks back about having drunk more than what he could take. Kakahiya. Mukhang nagising ko pa ata sa pagkakapahinga dahil galing lang sya sa lamay ng lola nya.

Ang sagot: Hydrite.

Ang problema: Walang botika sa white beach. Huwaaahhht?

Next best thing: Gatorade.

Kung nasa tamang pag-iisip lang ako, di ako kakagat sa P40/bottle na Gatorade. Pero dahil akala ko talaga mamamatay na ko sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Bumili ako ng isa, dalawa…tatlong boteng Gatorade.

Sa wakas. Di ko na sinu** palabas. Wonderful. Pero syempre, di ko pa rin kayang sumakay sa banana boat. Baka malagay pa ko sa balita: Puerto Galera, polluted beyond belief. Kasalukuyang isinara ang White Beach sa mga manlalangoy dahil sa unidentified floating kadiri substance na natagpuang nakakalat sa tubig ng Puerto Galera. Napag-alamang ito ay nanggaling sa isang babaeng engers, tadtad ng hang-over nag-tangka pa ring mag-banana boat…

Ayan, so habang naglalangoy ang mga kasama ko, dun na lang ako sa buhangin…nagpamasahe. Promise, gumanda ang pakiramdam ko!! Pero sa katangahang-palad, dahil malapit na kaming umalis for Manila, naligo ako. Nawala ang sakit ng sikmura, napalitan ng sakit ng katawan. Ibang kwento naman yun. Salamat na lang sa Diyos di tumuloy sa trangkaso.

Fire Away

2005-09-21T14:32:00.000+08:00

I am afraid that by writing the article below, I have become a part of the ever-growing number of people who sling mud at the government, complain about our current state, but do nothing to make things better. To rationalize what I’ve done, I could say that keeping mum would have been worse. But deep down, I know that merely speaking up does not qualify as doing something significant. Someday I hope to write again, of doing more than just talk & complain.

A year ago, I wrote that despite all these country’s problems, I am Happy to be Pinoy (Youngblood, PDI, Oct.9). A year and a fire after, unbelievably, I still am. Perhaps that’s another reason why I wrote all these, not only to vent, but more importantly to ask for those who wield the power, to please not take away any more from my joy & hope reserves.

Submitted this article this morning. Hope PDI publishes it...

===============

Last month, I came home at the sight of our house on fire. Until now I cannot find the perfect word to describe how I felt that night. Surreal would come closest.

For 30 years, my parents have lived in that house. I grew up in it, was potty-trained in it, labored for hours on end studying in it; cried, celebrated, stared into the busy streets while in it. And now, it’s gone. There are days when I wake up and I still find myself in my old room. The green walls, the stiff bed…and then I’d have to remind myself that it’s unreal. It’s all gone now.

I did not even get to cry on that night. Crying was a show of despair, hopelessness, sadness. I was beyond all those.

There were fire-trucks all over the street. As my friend Dep and I hurried towards the building, my mom’s friend snatched me into their house to spare me from having to watch the horrific event. Even as I sat in their living room, I knew what was going on. Regi, my boyfriend kept calling me to comfort me. But I was too numb to respond. For in my head, the fires raged--eating up everything I held special in my room, and everything my parents have worked for more than 30 years.

So this is how it feels to be let down. That night, I felt like I was one with the world. Suddenly, I too had a painful story to tell.

I can’t really say which was sadder: seeing our house burn down, or knowing that it could have been stopped. Our unit was farthest from the house where an LPG tank supposedly, leaked. There were a few minutes when my parents just stood and stared at our burning house; beside them were the firemen, who did just that—stood and stared.

It would’ve been a funny scene had it been a comedy flick.

We were furious at those firemen. How could they have let this happen, when our house was only 15 minutes away from the fire station? Why didn’t they have the proper gear—masks, hard caps, hand-held radio, ladders?!? It was stupid. When it came to being equipped, I would’ve made a better fireman than them.

But as the fires died down, so did our fury. It was useless to get angry at those firemen. For they too, like us, were victims that night. With clearer heads, my parents even apologized to Captain Samson for blowing their tops off. He said he understood. And he too was sad (an understatement, I suppose) at the fact that they were poorly-equipped to stop the fire. When it came to doing good, they tried mighty hard. One of his men even got injured doing his job. Another, (SFO2 Renier Almjuela) was even kind enough to return the videocam he retrieved from our house. See, it’s not all horror stories when it came to firemen.

Now, we’re renting a unit in the opposite building. My parents are still busy fixing the requirements for the insurance, talking with the building administration about how to go about rehabilitating the place. My brother still labors on which electronic equipment can still be used. Ate Yolly has been working hard to make the rented unit as homey as possible. So you see, when your house burns down, it doesn’t just end there, more work follows.

But in every step of the way, there were friends who made things easier for us. Until now, it still feels a bit weird receiving…donations--to be suddenly, on the receiving end. I remember how I used to complain to God that whenever my bank account reaches a certain figure, someone amazingly needs ‘financial augmentation’ right at the same day. But after this fire, after learning how to accept and thank people for what they have generously offered us with, I have realized the true meaning of the saying: It is better to give than to receive. It was, and still is an utmost humbling experience.

Despite all the goodness my family and I have received, I sometimes still ask God, ‘How could You have let this happen? Where were You when our house was on fire? As I said in an email thanking all my friends who have extended their help: To this day, I still don’t know what His master plan is. Maybe that’s why they call it a test of faith. But the best answer I got so far was from my best friend, Maui: If it was hard for you to see God’s face when your house was on fire, I hope it’s easier for you to see Him now, in the faces of everyone who’s here to help you get through this.

There are so many people to thank. If I were to list them all down, it would take me a day or two. Yes, it may be hard to know exactly how God will reveal His plans for now. I could wait for that; for after all, who am I to rush God and command Him to do something for me, now, fast! There is comfort in believing that in His time, things will fall into their proper places.

But I would like to throw the same question back at the government. How could you have let this happen?

I could go on and take the bitter stance of blaming the government--but that would be a futile exercise of venting my anger. Instead, I would like to enjoin all government officials, all policy makers, everyone who’s on Juan dela Cruz’s payroll to please, please have a look around your public domains. It wouldn’t hurt to have some concern for your constituents’ living conditions. Look at how our public hospitals have been reduced to such a sorry state. Please see how our public schools have become unbelievably overcrowded. Look at how our streets still get flooded with the littlest of rain. Maybe then it would be easier for you to have a hint of guilt when you feel like dipping your hands into our public funds. Oh, and please, when I talk about the government, I talk about the opposition as well. Ever heard of the saying--he who hasn’t sinned, cast the first stone? Instead of poking holes at this government, have you offered some viable and logical solutions? And what have you done to make things better for your people again?

The thing is, while you all hold your catfights--be it in congress or through the local media, this country’s problems continue to rage on. This may feel off-tangent from my sentiments regarding the fire, but in essence, I write of the same things—of falling victim to undesirable circumstances, and of being failed by a higher authority. No, I am not talking about God. I’m talking about the government.

I am not saying that the government should provide the panacea to this nation’s problems. What I would like to say is that the government, at the very least, should no longer be a part of THE problem. Quit fighting and start putting out some fire.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 4

2005-08-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

Isa pa...

Trivia lang...dapat si pareng Ben magpapalit ng pangalan. Ben Pho sa unang issue, Ben Chinko sa sunod, Ben Sison...
Wala lang. E parang astig na yung ben pho. Di pa obvious kung 'san galing yung pangalan. Kaya ayun. Nagsimula, natapos ang pagsusulat para sa Kalakbay bilang Ben Pho.

===

Hango sa tunay na karanaSAM
Ni: Ben Pho
Mabait, malambing, at cute. Tisoy at balingkinitan ang katawan. Ganito ang pagkakaalala ko kay Sam. Hindi ko na masiguro kung kailan kami unang nagkita, basta ang alam ko, mabilis ko siyang nakapalagayang loob. Dati-rati’y madalas ko siyang nakikita sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay at tiyempong mamamasyal din naman siya. Nang mga panahong iyon, maayos pa si Sam.

Isang araw, naiwan yata nila Ate Bing na bukas ang pinto, at dahil dito ay nakaalis si Sam nang di nila namamalayan. Ilang linggo din halos siyang nawala. Inakala ng marami na patay na siya. Nakapangingilabot isipin na maaring ang naging huli niyang hantungan ay isang bandehadong inihain sa hapag-kainan ng mga sunog-baga…..Asusenang Sam.

Nagulat na lang ako nang isang gabing napadaan ako sa harap ng bahay nila Ate Bing. Matapos ang ilang linggong pagkawala, sumulpot muli si Sam. Ibang-iba na ang kanyang itsura---nanlilimahid sa grasa ang kanyang ginagalis katawan, iika-ika ang kanyang paglakad dahil sa napilay na kanang paa, at mistulang nabubulok na ang kanyang kaliwang mata. Umalis siyang isang makisig na Japanese Spitz na maputi at malago ang buhok, may kislap sa mga mata, at may tindig na machong-macho ang dating; at nagbalik na taglay ang kalunos-lunos na anyo. Kung hindi mo siya kilala noon, matatkot ka pa sa kanya. Ngunit pangit man siya at mabaho, pinauwi pa rin siya ni Ate Bing sa kanilang bahay. Sa paglipas ng panahon, nanumbalik ang malago niyang buhok, unti-unti nang umayos ang kanyang paglakad, at tuluyan mang nabulag ang kanyang kaliwang mata, mababakas pa rin ang kislap sa kanyang natitirang kanang mata.

Siguro iniisip ninyo na imbento ko lang ang kwentong ito. Sino ba naman kasi ang magpapapasok sa kanilang bahay ng isang asong tulad ni Sam? Masyado sigurong mahirap isipin na makakayanan pang tanggapin ni Ate Bing ang isang asong bulag, galisin, at pilay. Kung sa bagay……pero di ba mas mahirap isipin na tayo na naglayas ng ilang beses ay tinatanggap pa rin muli?

Ang isang nabulag na mata—mapapantayan pa rin ng paningin ng natitirang isa; ang pilay—nahihilot pa; ang galis—nakukuha sa paligo at gamot; pero ang kasalanan, di yata nakukuha sa hilot o simpleng paligo. Kung naamoy lang at nakikita ang bakas ng mga pagkakasala natin, siguradong mas kalunos-lunos at mabaho pa tayo kay Sam.
Gaya ni Sam, marami sa atin ang pilay; iika-ika at hirap na hirap maglakad papabalik sa Diyos—pero pagdating sa gimik at inuman……HALA! Para bang dinapuan ng milagro at kumakaripas na sa pagtakbo! Napakadali para sa ating magbulag-bulagan sa mga biyaya Niya, paano, para sa atin, hindi ito sapat; pero pagdating sa pamimintas sa kapwa o sa pagtingin ng bagong kaiinggitan sa mga katabi, para bang lumilinaw bigla ang ating mga mata! Kung tutuusin, marami sa atin ang masahol pa kay Sam—hindi lang bulag o pilay; bingi at pipi din. Bingi sa tawag Niya. Pipi pagdating sa pagbibigay-puri sa Kanyang pangalan…..pero tinutubuan ng boses pagdating sa pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko. Si Ate Bing ay isang ordinaryong tao lamang, pero nakuha niyang tanggapin muli si Sam; pano pa kaya kung tayo ang magbalik sa Diyos na Maylikha sa atin? Kahit gaano man kalunos-lunos ang ating anyo, lumapit lang tayo muli, humingi ng tawad sa ating paglayas, at siguradong tatanggapin Niya tayo ng may buong galak at pagmamahal.

Gusto ko sanang itigil na dito ang kwento, pero ang totoo hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang istorya. Sa ngayon, nawawala muli si Sam. Bakit kasi kailangan pa niyang lumayo at magpakahirap, kung pwede naman siyang mamuhay ng masaya sa bahay ni Ate Bing?!? Nanghihinayang ka ba kay Sam? Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng asong ligaw, isipin mo na lang si Sam, at ang istorya niyang walang hapi ending. Alalahanin mo, pareho lang tayo ng kwento--lahat tayo, ay nakararanas ng paglalayas… pero hindi pa tapos ang storya ng buhay natin. Nasa atin na lang kung pipiliin nating manghinayang habang buhay dahil sa sinayang na pagkakataong umuwi muli kay Hesus, o ang bumalik sa landas patungo sa isang hapi ending kasama Niya. Tandaan mo lang: hindi ito kwentong barbero.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 3

2005-08-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

Blast from the past.

========
Isang Untitled Piece
Ni: Ben Pho
Sayang naman ang oras kung mamroblema tayo masyado ngayon, tapos bukas pala ay patay na tayo.

Hindi ko gustong manakot. Sana lang ay huwag nating gawing trabaho ang pagiging tao. Hindi obligasyon ang buhay. Regalo ‘to, kaya dapat ang bawat segundo ineenjoy. King masaya tayo sa ngayon, huwag na lang tayo mamroblema kung kailan kaya tayo mabibigyan ng mabigat na krus. Matuto naman tayong magpasalamat. Kung mahirap naman ang buhay, magsumikap tayong ayusin ito at iasa na lang ang mga bagay na di na magagawan ng paraan sa Diyos. Ganyan lang…pag nang-aasar ang buhay, dapat di tyo pikon, matuto tayong mamilosopo.

Oo, madali itong sabihin para sa akin, dahil naging mabait ang buhay sa akin. Pero minsan, napapaisip ako: kung ayaw ng Diyos na masaktan ang mga anak Niya, bakit madming mahirap sa mundo, bakit araw-araw ilang inosente ang napaptay ng sakit o ng kapwa tao, bakit madaming nabibilanggo ng walng sala?

May sistema ba ng raffle sa langit—‘pag nabunot ang pangalan mo ay seswertihin ka sa lupa, at pag hindi naman ay…sorry ka na lang?

Sa gitna ng problema, paalalahanan mo lang ako ng ganito: “Mahal ka ng Diyos, napakabait Niya at kailanma’y di ka pababayaan” ay madali akong maniniwala sa iyo. Pero paano mo ito sasabihin sa iisang taong nakabilanggo at tuluyang iniwan na ng asawa’t anak? Sa isang lalaking kasing edad mo, ngunit nang kaka-graduate pa lang sa high-school ay napiit na sa Munti’ dahil nakapatay ng kapwa estudyante sa isang ramble?

Ano ang kabuluhan ng mga salitang “Mahal ka ng Diyos” sa mga batang lansangan na ang tanign paraan upang makakain ay ang manlimos? SA isang taong nalaman na di matatapos ang tatlong buwan at kailangan na siyang pagawan ng magandang damit na pamburol at mamahaling kabaong?

Hindi ko alam.

Minsa’y naisip kong dispalinghado magbigay ng sentensya ang buhay. Nakaklungkot dahil lalong napapatingkad ang ating mga kasuwertehan sa buhay kapag nakikilala natin ang mga kapwa nating minalas.

Madumi man ang lansangan, masuwerte pa rin tayo at malaya tayong kakagala dito. Wala man tayong pera para mag-Chocolate Kiss or Barrio Fiesta araw-araw, buti na lang at nakakakain pa rin tayo ng maayos. Hindi man malaki ang kita’ natin, buti na lang at di ito kailangan gastusin sa mga mamahaling gamot at espesyalista.
Pero teka, ano ito? Ibig sabihin ba’y liligaya tayo dahil sa kapahamakang sinapit ng ibang tao? Makikita lang ba natin na swerte tayo dahil sadyang minalas ang iba?
Totoo na pinagtrabahuhan din natin ang kung ano mang ligayang tinatamasa natin ngayon. AT ang hirap na dinaranas ng iba ay bunga ng sarili nilang pagkakamali…pero hindi rin natin matanggal na ang iba ay nabigyan ng ligaya o pasakit higit sa sukat ng pagsusumikap o kasalanang ginawa nila.

Babalik pa rin tayo sa unang tanong, paano natin ipamumkha sa mga taong ito an mayroon ngang Diyos? Sapat na ba ang ipagdasal ntin sila? Ang dalawin sila paminsan-minsan at bigyan ng donasyon?

Hindi ko rin alam.

Kung sabihin mong “Habang may buhay may pag-asa” matutuwa kaya ang mga taong ito, gayong magiging mas matamis pa siguro para sa ilan sa kanila ang mamatay at iwan na ang mga paghihirap ng sinumpaan nilang mundo?
Hindi ko talaga alam.

Nakakita na ako ng mga taong gaya ng nabanggit ko kanina. At nang makilala ko sila, naisip kong bigla, “Ang kapal ng mukha kong magreklamo sa aking buhay.” Paano ba talaga sinusukat ng Diyos kung sino ang may karapatan lumigaya, kung sino ang malayang makakaasa, kung sino ang buong-pusong makakapaghayag ng pagmamahal niya?
Ayaw kong sayangin ang oras ninyo sa pagbabasa ng article na ito…pero uulitin ko pa din, hindi ko talaga alam.
Kung bahagi man tayo ng porsyentong “sinwerte” sana’y sikapin nating maabot iyong mga kapatid nating “minalas” sa buhay—hindi upang inggitin sila, kundi upang sa kahit ilang sandali ay madama nila ang pagmamahal ng Diyos.
Lahat ng bagay na nangyayri ay may rason—ito, nasisiguro ko. Kung paano natin magagawa ang buhaying ang pag-asa sa mg taong ito, hindi ko lubos na nasisiguro. Ngunit ang lahat marahil ay nagsisimula sa pagkamulat at pagtanggap ng katotohanang ang bawat isa sa atin ay may kakayahang magmahal, gumawa ng kabutihan, at bigyan ng mukha ang Diyos dito sa lupa.

Hindi ito imposible, ito ang alam ko.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay Part 2

2005-08-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

Owrayt...mag-reminisce. Sarap magsulat uli ng ganito. Pero para saan? Makapag-blog na nga lang...
Malayo pa ang pasko...pero parang kahit di pasko, nag-aapply pa din sa ibang utaw...ako?

======
PasKO o sa mga bata lang ba?
Ni: Ben Pho
“Sa ming bahay, ang aming bati: Meri Christmas na mawalhati, ang pag-ibig ang syang naghari. Araw-araw ay magiging Pasko lagi! Ang samhi po ng pampalito, hihingi po ng aginaldo…...Jingol bells, jingol bells, jingol all da wey! O waspun it is to ride on a wanhors opesley! Hey!”

Kasabay ang kalansing ng mga tansan at ang musika ng isang tambol na gawa sa latang binalutan ng plastic, ang mga kantang tulad nito ay talamak na talamak sa tuwing sasapit na ang pasko. Marami sa atin ang nagdaan na sa mga panahong iyon. Siguradong mas alam na natin ngayon ang tamang liriko ng mga kanta, subalit nakalulungkot isipin na para bang mas naiintindihan pa ng mga batang ito (na mali-mali ang salitang kinakanta) ang diwa ng pasko kay sa sa ating mga “matanda” na. Para sa isang bata, simple lang ang ibig sabihin ng pasko---Bertdey ni Hesus, panahon ng regalo at pagbibigayan, ang pagsasama-sama ng buong pamilya sa kasiyahan at pagmamahalan. Para sa isang matanda, ITO ay panahon para (sa wakas ay) makapagpahinga mula sa trabaho, magbigay ng aginaldo sa mga inaanak, o kaya ay magtago sa mga kinauutangan…at oo nga pala, para ipagdiwang ang kaarawan ni Hesus. Ang dami natin masyadong pinoproblema naduduling na tayo bago pa natin makita ang buong saysay ng Pasko. Dati ay nagtataka ako sa tuwing sinasabi nila na ang pasko ay para sa mga bata. Ngayon, sa kasawiang palad ay alam ko na kung bakit.

Ang hirap pag tumatanda…feeling mo alam mo na ang maraming bagay at wala nang rason pa para maniwala ka sa mga kwentong tila ay “illogical”. Ang hirap nang maniwalang baka sakaling may Santa Claus, baka totoong umiilaw nga ang ilong ni Rudolph, na pwedeng matupad ang hiling mo kapag may shooting star, at pwede ngang mapunuan ang isang matinding puwang ng kalungkutan sa puso ng bawat isa, sa pamamagitan ng pagdating ng isang sanggol--ang tagapagligtas na si Jesus. Kapag matanda ka na, kwentong barbero na lang ang mga ito sa iyo. Sinisisi natin ang pagiging baduy ng pasko sa kawalan ng pera, o sa pagtanggap ng kaunting regalo; ang hindi natin alam ay nagiging malungkot ang panahon dahil nilimot na natin ang tunay na rason ng selebrasyon.
Isinilang ni Maria ang anak ng Diyos, na si Jesus upang iligtas tayo sa ating mga kasalanan. Sa dinami-daming beses na natin itong narinig, imposibleng hindi mo pa ito nalalaman; pero sa totoo, pinaniniwalaan mo ba? Aling parte ba talaga ang mas mahirap paniwalaan: kung totoo ngang isinilang ang anak ng Diyos sa sabsaban nang araw ng pasko o ang katotohanang isa ka sa mga rason kung bakit ibinigay ng Diyos ang anak Niya sa mundo? Kung ayaw nating maging baduy ang pasko, bakit di natin balikan ang mga panahong mali-mali din ang ating mga kanta; ang mga paskong inabangan natin si Santa Claus; ang mga Disyembreng nakontento na tayo sa mga simpleng regalo. Kung gusto nating mahanap ang saysay ng Pasko, bakit di natin tanggapin sa ating mga puso ang isang munting regalo—isang sanggol.

Mga Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Kalakbay / FnQ

2005-08-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

Namimiss ko na rin lang ang dating ceycey, edi babalikan ko na lang yung mga pinagsususulat ng ugok na 'yun.

Heto'ng isa sa mga unang sinulat nya para sa FnQ:

SERMON NG SANGGOL
Kahapon nagsimba ako. Sa tabi ko ay may mag-ina; di ko na gaano napuna yung nanay, napukaw na ang atensyon ko sa batang nakatingin sa akin. Nakakatuwa, sapagkat puro gilagid man ang laman ng bibig niya, walang pakialam siyang ngumisi sa aking di man niya kakilala o kaano-ano. Bakit nga ba habang bata ay libre ang ngiti, pero pag tanda, ang saya ay halos tapatan pa ng pera?
Malabo. Malamang alam nating lahat ang sagot, ayaw lang natin aminin. Mas masaya naman talaga ang buhay habang tumatanda ka, kaya lang, mukhang mas mahirap makontento. Andami masyadong problema, karaniwan, higit na madali ang malungkot kesa tumawa. Pero kung gagawin nating rason ang mga problema, edi habang buhay na tayong hindi sasaya. Sa totoo lang, hindi mauubos ang mga problema---may mga panahong magigipit ka sa pera, may eksam ka bukas, minalas ka sa puso, tumaas ang langis, may gera sa Mindanao. Kung iintayin nating maubos ang mga suliranin bago natin pipiliing lumigaya, talagang hindi na natin makakamtan ang saya.
Baka hindi ko man matapos ito. Pwedeng mamaya, makalimutan mo nang huminga. Wala naman talagang nakakaalam kung kelan mailalagay sa marmol don sa may Loyola ang mga pangalan natin. Hindi ako nananakot…kaso, naisip ko lang, ang iksi pala ng buhay, sayang naman kung hindi ko ito masusulit. Ang pangit naman atang malaman natin nang huli na, na hindi pala kaylangan na magsungit noon at mamroblema sa simpleng bagay; na hindi naman pala kailangan makasakit ng kapwa para matapos ang trabaho; na wala palang kwenta ang pagmumukmok at pagmumura nang na-gago ka ng ilang tao. Sino ba namang gustong manghinayang sa huli?
Hindi naman masamang pag-isipan ang mga problema. Natural, hindi naman pinipitas sa puno ng kalachuchi ang mga solusyon o nasasalo mula sa bibig ng kaklase mong humatsing. Ang hirap kasi sa’tin, masyado tayong mahilig magsarili; lahat tayo nagmamarunong at nagpipilit akuin ng mag-isa ang problema…kahit di naman kailangan. Nakalimutan na kasi natin ang isang bagay na marahil alam na alam natin nung tayo ma’y wala pang pakialam sa gilagidin nating mga ngiti— na isang tawag lang pala ang layo natin mula sa solusyon. Baduy na daw yon, sabi ng iba. Wala daw kwenta, para sa ilan. Ewan ko, pero para sa akin, mas madali yatang ngumiti kapag iniisip mong kahit kelan, tutulungan Niya tayo. Kaya pala ang saya ni Neneng Gilagid.

Must be PMS

2005-08-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wake up knowing that everything's going to be alright. Even when the sky's gray. Then I slump back on my seat and start feeling all shitty.
Must've eaten too much for breakfast.
Must've been what I've been thinking of last night.
On these days on the calendar, it's easiest to blame it on PMS.

Then I slap myself and say that it's all wrong; it simply isn't right to be feeling down when nothing's wrong. It's like inviting rain.

So, what now?

Maybe I'm thinking way too much about how I'm feeling today; about how I should feel. Maybe I'm growing old?

PMS. Stupid hormones.

Happy hippie

2005-07-06T13:45:00.000+08:00

Hearing my parents laugh with each other (after a very long, tiring day each one of them had) fills me with happy thoughts.

Pin-head

2005-06-21T05:49:00.000+08:00

It was the size of a pinhead. Unseen. But as I lay in bed last week, rendered sick with colds and fever, I felt it. Right below my sternum. There it was, a lump. Tiny, but a lump nonetheless.

Being the paranoid freak that I am, my life flashed before me. The things I’ve long feared. I won’t go into the specifics, but the nightmare mostly was made up of hospital beds, treatments, agonizing visits to the doctor, laboring for cash payments. Leaving at such a young age.

My throat went dry as I thought about those things; as I stroked the tiny lump and made sure it really was a lump on my flesh and not simply a misshapen piece of dirt on my shirt.

And I prayed. Hard. I prayed that it be nothing. I prayed for Him to take my worries away. There were nights when I’d wake up, stare in the darkness and again, pray for sleep to come. I just wanted to forget the pin-head. It was nothing. Maybe it was only a dream. But then, I’d wake up in the morning and still, I’d find it there, cradled safely below my sternum.

Then I told myself to suspend all the worrying. Stop it altogether--if it was possible. Worrying, after all is an insult to God. He’ll get me through this. He knows I’m too weak for a challenge as big as this. He knew what’s best.

‘So how come there’s a lump?’ I thought. The answer: I don’t know.

I decided not to tell my mom. It’ll only make her worry. That week, only kuya and a few of my closest friends knew. And though I told myself not to worry, but try as I might, I couldn’t shove all those sad thoughts away. Mahirap pala.

I went through the days as normally as I possibly could. But I simply couldn’t get through the days with a smile. Each chance I had to go to mass, I went. In the chapels I found solace. Baduy as it may sound, it’s true. Last week, I prayed. Really prayed.

Funny, even as I felt fear, a part of me knew that everything will be alright. It had to be. I always got what I prayed for. I consoled myself with that thought. I found comfort in the idea that He loves me. He won’t let me down. Not this time. Not ever.

Come Friday, my sadness/worries started to peak. I will be having my check-up tomorrow. Tomorrow, everything could change.

And so I went to Dra. Ongkeko, and told her about my predicament. The routine went on for less than 10minutes. But the conversation after, lasted longer. I had questions, stories…and grateful cheers to pour out.

It was nothing!

A sebaceous gland, which, to her surprise, I even bothered to notice. She even pointed out that the real lumps which were indeed THERE fell under my radar. But those too, were nothing to worry about. She assured me. I needed neither a mammogram nor a biopsy. Candidly, she told me not to worry. She even laughed as I told her how paranoid I’ve been for the past week.

And so it went. The hours, the agony of waiting for the doctor to finally tell me the worrying’s over.

There weren’t confetti popping from cans as she told me the good news. Not much fanfare. I texted kuya, regi, maui and eca. Thanked them for the prayaers. They too were relieved.

Before I went out of the clinic, I told doc that she made my day, that she can’t possibly imagine how happy her news made me feel.

But deep down, a voice told me, “Sabi ko sayo, wala lang e.” The thing is, I wasn’t sure if the past few days of keeping quiet, feeling sad, and worrying were pure manifestations of an emotional meltdown or partly histrionics. More like the latter. Because I knew He wouldn’t let me down, still I let myself go through the perfunctory motions of being sad. It wasn’t ‘proper’ after all to rejoice over such a matter. But I probably shouldn’t have been too sad, or too worried. Or I shouldn’t have made other people worried, and I shouldn’t have…The list may go on about what I should’ve or should not have done…

But the important thing is, it’s over.

I’m happy now. From my view, I see this as a new lease on life. It’s time to stop ranting over the cloud of mediocrity that hangs over this life. The point is, it’s mine, and I can still live it as well as I want to. Because my body ain’t failing me, and my dreams can become real.

Funny how God makes wow events out of the ordinary. Last week would’ve gone by in a whiz. No occasion, whatsoever, nothing to look forward to. But with the possibility of losing my life so apparent, I hung on to it. Prayed that God make it longer. I said sorry for feeling unexcited over each day; for thinking that my life at 24 failed me by faring below my expectations. It was when I feared I might lose it that I started to think that it wasn’t as bad as I painted it to be; not as mediocre as I thought; not worth being too disillusioned over to let go of. I want it still. There’s so much to be done with it.

Now, I see each day as already better, even when it’s just begun. It’s definitely better than if the doctor had said otherwise. Or if God has called the game over.

But it’s not. And so the fun goes on.

Hoping for Nothing

2005-06-18T10:58:00.000+08:00

I had been wanting to postpone writing this until next week. When I’d finally look at things in retrospect, hopefully write of nice things, of things I’ve learned; of being thankful for a new lease on life as some would say.

Turns out I can’t keep myself from thinking about it. A part of me keeps on saying that I’m just paranoid. I may be over reacting. After all, it’s merely the size of a pimple, the shape of a pin-head. Unseen, unnoticed, until last week.

It’s amazing how a simple lump can change everything. How I who always found it so easy to smile, now find it a chore. I may be just paranoid. I hope I’m just being paranoid. I’ve played it over and over in my head. How my doctor would jokingly say that I’ve been wasting my energy and thoughts over unnecessary anxiety. How I have been sulking, worrying, getting mentally/emotionally spent over nothing. It’s nothing to be worried about, she’ll say.

It’s nothing to be worried about. Nothing. It’s nothing.
Lord please. Let it be nothing.

Missing Me

2005-06-18T05:30:00.000+08:00

It’s an unhealthy obsession over the past.
There are times when I catch myself thinking that what I am today is a diluted version of what I was 2, 3 years ago.
I was much better then. Accomplished more. Laughed more often. Got sick less. Survived on less sleep, but lived vibrantly despite that.

Whatever happened?

Suddenly I’m brought back to my first months in college. For almost 3 months, I’ve been crying every time I got my sorry ass home. I was aching to move back the time and get myself into my black&white uniform and declare myself once more a high school student. I missed the flag ceremony, being greeted on my bday, First Friday masses (yey! 2 subjects less!) I missed eating on the floor, being in the company of friends. Ending each day knowing that I did the tasks I had to. Feeling that I did them well. (sometimes sulking over that low quiz grade)

But after a few months, I stopped missing high school.
I’ve moved on. Loved the new one. Each time I got into the campus I could not help but say (albeit in my head) ‘Hay, this is MY school.’

Ang ganda. The tree-lined avenues, the big buildings. Oh, yes, and it had boys. Real ones.

It was time to move on to bigger stuff. Bigger things to learn. Thicker books to read (&photocopy!). Longer bus rides. More people to meet, talk to, be with, call friends. The following year, people actually greeted me on my birthday. College wasn’t so bad after all. It was actually good. No, it was a blast.

Funny how when my mind goes back to my past, all the happy memories come rushing in. Suddenly, even those things which used to be perfunctory get to trigger a sense of nostalgia.

I remember the time when I started driving around the campus and Gayo and I felt the urge to cruise along Apacible gangstah syle. Windows down boom-boom music oozing from the speakers. We only lasted a couple of minutes, for fear of having someone we know see what we’ve been up to. Slapshock pa ata yung pinapatugtog namin nun.

And the time Asto and I started passing an imaginary ball along AS. Moving farther and farther from each other with each throw. Mukhang tanga, pero masaya.

K3. Ang mga alamat ni Leo. Ang galing ni Jocie mag-organize ng grupo. Lahat ng blockmates ko, na iba-iba. Pero masaya. Masaya.

Riding the Ikot jeep for the first time, getting down on the exact spot I boarded the jeep. Finding out that my perpetual crush whom I haven’t seen in 5 years suddenly is a classmate. Still, he ignored me. (Some things, never change)
Yo-sessions (na walang yosi!) with Maui&Eca. Tambay pag Tuesday o Friday.
Regi, finally putting a stop to my daydreams of having a boyfriend. Finally a loveydud was no longer a concept. He’s the real deal. Sigh.

At ICTUS. God, I miss Ictus. I don’t mean it like ‘My Gosh’ I miss Ictus. I mean it, really, like a prayer. As in, ‘God, I miss Ictus, please bring me back there.’ For a thousand and one reasons I miss it. Most of them related to the one which says: Being there, doing what I did there, made me feel good about myself. Deserving of the thought that I was doing enough; given what I had.

Okay, it may not have been enough. But it was definitely more than what I’m doing now.
It, what’s the referent of my ‘it’?

It just sucks. I just miss tapping myself on the back a-la Babe style: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

I don’t see myself deserving of the pat on the back nowadays. And that’s what I miss most about the old version of me. She worked hard, slept less, laughed more often, got tired, woke up the next day, had crushes in almost every class, sweat a lot, ate a lot, slaved off and demanded the same from groupmates, smiled at the sight of a good score, (more like jumped up&down?)

And then the memories come back. It wasn’t all fun. College, was hard. I was also harder on myself then. But I was…better then.

So who do I blame for this? That’s the whole point. I can’t pin it on anyone. Anybody from my present. They have nothing to do, or probably even have no idea about this regression. More like digression. Because, in this case, regressing to my old self would be good. But now, I’ve so far digressed from that.

In a few months I will be turning 24. And so I ask myself, what have I done with my life so far? What have I accomplished? And I will probably rattle off the things I’ve done ‘til college. After that, I will have to stall, reminisce, think back really hard about what I’ve done after graduating that would deserve my pride.

Oh, and that too. I miss feeling proud.

tantalizing

2005-06-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

Of days I dreamt it all will end
When everything my heart has seen
my hands behold
But it seems the two were never meant to be
of one voice
For as one beholds
the other falters
rests its glance for only awhile
And looks beyond for farther more

Slow days

2005-05-25T23:52:00.000+08:00

Lately I’ve been feeling…lethargic. Not sad or down and blue. Just that. Lethargic.
It’s amazing how some words can really capture what you truly feel. In this case, what I’m truly in. It’s a state. Not the one where you could frolic or go shopping around in.

It’s a not-so-good state…being lethargic.

There’s nothing wrong really. So I tell myself that’s its not right to be sad.
Or down, nor blue.

But lethargic, yes, I can be lethargic.

It’s a sorry excuse for my mediocre existence. I’m lethargic, so I’m mediocre. Or should it be the other way around? Could be.

In my younger, more idealistic days, I’ve always said that I wanted each day to be a fight against mediocrity. Each day should be better than the last. If I can’t do anything with the day, at least do something with myself. Better. Be better.

Now, I open my eyes to the sound of my brother’s voice (yes, I don’t use an alarm clock. Thanks kuya for the daily favor) and say to myself, is it Friday yet?

Well, not always. Sometimes I think, “Get up, get up, please”
And sometimes I pray, “Lord, please, make this a happy day”

But you see, the previous days weren’t sad at all. No tragedy, no sickness, nothing to cause anyone utmost poverty.

They just make me lethargic.

And lately, I’ve been growing even more (for the nth time) le…thar…gic.
It’s alarming.

Things that run around your mind when you're sleep-deprived

2005-05-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

There are days when you just can’t help but pray, “Lord, please don’t let the sun shine yet.” Begging him, to please prolong the darkness, ‘til you finally get yourself to sleep, and forget about the stinging heat on your bed and back, and the impending list of things to do.

Finally, you get the strength to get up, and you realize how easy that was. So you think to yourself: life does go on.

Ka-windangan

2005-04-21T10:07:00.000+08:00

Should life be made up of a series of Sissyphian tasks?
Will this ever really end?

--thoughts on Sapphire

Guardinero at Green light: Mga Kwentong Sabado

2005-04-13T09:15:00.000+08:00

Exam season na, kaya sinamahan ko na lang si Regi mag-aral. Sarado na ata pati main lib sa UP, kaya sa Katipunan na lang kami tumambay. Habang kumakain ng pizza, I got distracted by some movement at my right side. Up, down. Up-down. Pag tingin ko, si Manong Guard, nagbubungkal ng lupa. Sa labas kasi ng bintana ng Pizza Hut, may maliit na flower bed.

Tapos, ang mabuting guardia, imbes na tumambay lang at magbantay sa labas ng pinto, seemed to have cooked up a method to while away the time more productively. He started to remove the dead plants from the soil. After a while, he was already re-planting new ones. It was amusing to see him.

Well, it wasn’t exactly appetizing. After all, we were eating the vegetarian pizza (feeling nagpapaka-healthy e hello, pizza kaya yun. Unhealthy to start with…) and it was weird to see plants being uprooted (with bits of soil falling from the roots) while I shoved green leafy vegetables into my mouth.

Nevertheless, it was a happy scene to remember on a Saturday afternoon. A man in a guard’s uniform happily tending a mini garden right outside the pizza place. When he was done replanting, he tenderly maneuvered his scissors to trim off the leaves from this side, and there, to give the plants a 3d cup shape.
Afterwards, he poured water on the thirsty soil, as if to say, “O ayan, inom muna kayo. Tapos tulog muna kayo mga anak.”

Right there, outside Pizza Hut Katipunan was a man who went beyond the call of duty. Where on earth will you see ‘tending a garden’ to be part of a security guard’s job description? Yet he voluntarily heeded the starving plants’ call. Oo na, wala namang yumaman, di nabayaran ang utang ng Pinas dahil sa ginawa nya. Pero nakakatuwa pa din. At aba, he did make a difference in more lives than one; go ask the plants right outside Pizza Hut Katipunan.

**Green Light**

Paboritong traffic light ko yung nasa intersection ng Ultra at Meralco Ave. ext (tama ba?) Basta yung pag andun ka, pag kumanan ka papunta kang Alexandria, pag kumaliwa papunta kang Shaw. Weniwei…

Sa lahat ng traffic lights na dinaanan ko sa tanang buhay ko, yun yung pinakamabilis mag-pula; isa sa pinakamabagal mag-green. Everytime I get to that point, it’s always red. Mabibilang ko lang sa daliri ko kung ilang beses sya green. Kaya pag may importanteng tanong ako sa buhay, yun ang ginagawa kong sign :)

Di ko sinasabing doon lang nakabase ang desisyon ko ha…pero wala lang, masarap mag-laro. Bago ko sinagot si Regi noon, sabi ko sa sarili ko, pag green ‘to game na! Ayun. Green nga.

Di pa ko nakontento. A few nights after that, nagtanong ako uli. Pag green nga ‘to, tooto na, sasagutin ko na…Green uli. Ang kulit kasi ng mukha ko. Pero teka, hindi naman ibig sabihin na yun lang ang basehan ko sa pag-decide ha. Kumbaga, kung point system ang gamit ko sa pagtimbang ng pros and cons, kasali yung green light sa scoring. Mga 10 points ang dagdag nun.

Bago ko makita yung traffic light, meron akong nakakakilig na tinanong nung sabado. Tapos saktong green. Yehey. (Kung ano man yung tinanong ko, secret na lang muna. In 6 years, sana masagot ko kung tama nga. :) )

Kutob ko talaga, merong cosmic force behind it. Basta, magaling. Magaling…

Getting more than what I gave

2005-04-08T10:40:00.000+08:00

...
Ang karugdtong ng kagabi.
...

Totoo pramis. Wala kasing tubig at kuryente doon sa site. Kaya kung gusto mong maligo, either dun ka sa bukal maligo, o mag-igib ka't maglakad ng ilang daang metro bago makarating sa banyo. Tamad pa man din akong maligo. Eto, ibang level na. Kundi lang ako nanlilimahid sa libag, semento, pawis at kung ano-ano pang elemento, di na lang ako naligo.

Pero ansarap ng feeling pagkaligo ha. Parang gumaan ako by 2 lbs.

Eto pang isang first.

First time kong matulog sa tent. Buti na lang pinahiram kami nila Duane. Sakto lang kami ni Maui sa pulang small-sized Coleman tent na dala ni Mike. Ayus sana yung posisyon namin dahil nasa may lilim. Kaso may malaking bato sa ilalim ng tent namin kaya dapat dahan-dahan kang hihiga, kundi baka masapul yung likod mo.

Kinabukasan, nagmisa sa site. Di ko na kinaya mag-build uli. Bukod sa masakit na ang likod, braso, at balat ko...Mas malaking concern ko ay ang katamaran kong maligo pa uli bago umuwi. Nakakahiya man, pero totoo. Tinatamad na kong mag-igib uli sa malayo para maligo uli. Kaya kung pwede lang wag na kong gumalaw kinaumagahan para wag nang mamawis at mamaho bago makauwi sa Maynila.

Onga pala, meron pang isang first.

First time kong makipagchikahan sa mga sundalo. Kinabahan nga si Maui. Kasi ganito yung takbo ng chikahan namin ng isang magiting na myembro ng Philippine Army.

Macho Sundalo: Taga-Manila ba kayo?
Cey & Maui: Opo.
Macho Sundalo: A talga? San sa Manila?
Maui: Sa _______
Cey: Ako po sa Mandaluyong. Sa loob.
Macho Sundalo: (nakikisakay sa lokohan) A talaga, sa loob? Saan dun?
Cey: Sa Pavillion 5 po.
Macho Sundalo: Aba! Ba't ka naman napasok dun? May pagka- loko ka siguro (basta something to that effect. Nakikipag-joke din kasi sya)
Cey: Hindi naman. Pinasok ako sa Mental matapos akong manapak ng sundalong nang-aasar sakin. Bwehehehe.
Maui: Nervous laughter.

Ayan. Magaling. Hindi na mawawala ang gist ng General Nakar experience ko. Buti na lang nagyaya sila Duane & Didi. Heto nga pala ang mga bagong friends from YFC EA--Pat, Derrick, Aaron, Patrick, Galo, Jayson, John, Love, Michelle, Tracy, yung isa pang matangkad at mabait na kabarkada nila, AR, RJ, Mike. Pati yung mga naging instant Titos & Titas from CFC, sila Tita Roda, Tito Tonie, Tito who rode in front of the van nung pauwi from Quezon :)

Yung mga bahay, di pa namin tapos. Tuloy-tuloy pa ang daloy ng mga tao. Ang goal ay ang makapagtayo ng 120 houses sa site. Parte ng 7700 houses in 7 years goal ng Gawad Kalinga.

Ang ganda pala ng slogan nila: Bawat Pilipino Bayani.

Back to my previous point. I got more than what I gave...Ayan na naman, nagpapaka-feeling-mabuting-Kristyano ako kaya sumama. Feeling ko, nagbigay ako sa kapwa. Pero sa totoo, mas madami akong nakuha. Mukhang di ko na kailangan i-explain. Ibang klase yung saya at recharge ng pag-asa't paniniwala uli sa bansa ang nakuha ko nung araw na yun. Sana, sana lang e di naman yun ang huli. Sana din, lahat ng mga batang nakasama namin dun, akchwali, lahat ng mga sumama sa build na yun, patuloy maniwala na ookey sa owrayt pa 'tong Pinas.

Sabi nga ni Maui, sayang nga lang...bakit tuwing weekends lang pwede gawin yung mga ganitong bagay? Bakit nga ba? Gusto kong isipin na pwede namang habang ginagawa natin ang mga kanya-kanya nating mga trabaho e may magawa pa rin tayo para sa ikauunlad ng bansa.

Ano ba 'to, parang boses politiko.

Pero gets mo naman ang punto ko diba? Pwede kaya yun? Pwede dapat e. Di ko pa lang sigurado, as in concretely grasp the idea of how to go about it exactly.

Siguro, sa ngayon kahit pakonti-konti muna. Pero dapat atang malaman na kung pano kaya talaga; sa lalong madaling panahon.

Ang karugdtong

2005-04-07T12:40:00.000+08:00

To be continued(michelle, Lyle, YFC people, Golda)Masakit na balat, likod. Pero masayang puso.Deprive yourself of some comforts sometimes…

Sorry ha, ilang beses ko na atang sinabing nakakatuwa, nakakatuwa. E kasi, wala na akong ibang masabi. Basta SOBRANG NAKAKATUWA. Approximation lang yun sa lagay na 'yun.

Biruin nyo, may mga taong pumunta doon, nakisama sa Kalinga Luzon out of their own accord. Hindi school activity. Walang pumilit sa kanila. Gusto lang nila tumulong. Sa tingin nila gusto lang nilang gumawa ng paraan para kahit papano, kahit sa maliit na paraan may magawa naman sila sa bansa.

May mga nakilala kaming taga-Miriam. Sila Golda, Marian...at si... Naku, ang hina ko sa pangalan. Pero in fairness, naalala ko naman ang itsura nya. Kami, 2 days lang sa site, etong mga batang 'to, isang linggo halos. Ibang klase! Tapos nagyayaya pa nga silang bumalik. Mag-organize daw kami minsan ng build uli.

Walang grade na katapat. Pero pumunta ang mga estudyanteng to.

Eto pang mga nakakabilib na taong nakilala ko: Si Lyle, isang full-time missionary para sa YFC. Ka-edad ko lang, tapos yun yung napili nyang tunay na trabaho. Tapos mukhang masaya sya.

Si Michelle, isang teacher sa Holy Spirit. Graduate ng Ateneo. Mahilig mag-volunteer sa mga clean-up sa Manila Zoo, feeling ko nagk-Kythe din sya dahil na mention nyang nakapag-alaga na din sya ng mga batang may cancer, tumanggi sa isang high-paying job dahil nalaman nyang yung Kanong boss nya ay nag-utos na hinding-hindi, under any circumstances, nila aaminin sa mga customers na kausap nila na mga Pinoy sila.

Nabad trip nga daw yung pamilya nya nung ginawa nya yun. Pero pinanindigan nya yung prinsipyo nya.

Hanep. May mga nagtatanong daw sa kanya kung bakit ba nya ginagawa yung mga bagay na yun. Wala namang perang kapalit o kung ano pa man. Simple lang ang sagot nya, "Mahal ko ang Pilipinas."

Potek. Pareho siguro tayo ng iniisip. Yung mga taong ganun, pinagtatayo na ata ng rebulto. Sobrang rare. Ilang beses sa isang taon lang ata ako nakakarinig ng ganun. Madami every 4 years, bandang Mayo. Lalo't pag malapit na ang bilangan ng boto.

Sa dalawang araw namin sa Quezon, hindi ko talaga makakalimutan kung gaano kasarap ng pakiramdam tuwing naririnig ko ang mga salitang iyon. Seryoso, may mga Pilipino pang nagsasabing ayaw nilang iwan ang Pilipinas.

At hindi sila tinutukan ng baril para sabihin ito.

Nung narinig ko nga si Michelle magsalita, parang napatanong din ako sa sarili ko. Ako ba, anong ginagawa ko dito?

Yung totoo? Nagpapaka self-righteous. Para may masabi naman akong may nagawa ako para sa bansa. Kahit papano. Oo na, anong tulong ba naman ang magagawa ng pagbuhat ng konting hollow blocks at pag-halo ng semento. (Pero in fairness, hindi sya madali ha) Anong magagawa ng pagtitiis ng init at pagkasunog ng balat (e uso naman ang tan ngayon dahil summer). Did I really make a difference?

Gusto kong sabihing oo e. Gusto ko talaga.

Pero isang bagay ang mas sigurado ko. I got more than what I gave.

Oo, nakakapagod. Jahe pa ang amoy pagkatapos magbuhat, magbody-building gamit ang pala at malapot na semento, at magbilad sa araw. Hassle maligo dahil mag-iigib ka pa sa bukal...

to be cont.

Madaming firsts sa General Nakar

2005-04-05T00:08:00.000+08:00

Ang sarap isipin na sa panahon ngayon, may mga taong ayaw pa ring iwan ang bayan.

Sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako ganun ka-desedido pumunta. Nung inemail nga ni didi sakin yung invitation, di ko pa nabasa ng maayos. Buti na lang nagtext sya. Nagtanong uli kung may balak ba ko sumama. Nung una, nahihiya lang ako magdecline. Pero…ewan. Parang sa kaloob-looban ko, merong gustong sumama sa Quezon.

And now I’m back on my cube. But the past two days were amazing. Dati, akala ko, Boracay lang ang katapat ng pagod na utak. Pag bagot na ko, iniisip ko lang ang putting buhangin, ang kumiskislap-kislap na tubig na wari bang tinatawag ang pangalan mo sa bawat pag-alon. Ang hangin na bumubulong sa tainga mo at walang ibang sinasabi kundi, “Mainit ba? Lublob ka na, tara.”

Pero yung trip sa General Nakar, hindi ko makakalimutan. Ang daming firsts.
Teka, teka…akchwali, kaya ko ‘to sinulat, takot akong makalimutan yung mga detalye. Minsan kasi may paraan mag-edit ang utak ko. Yung gist lang ang natatandaan. Basta yung thought lang na nag-enjoy ako. Period.

Sayang naman kung mabaon lang sa limot yung mga pangyayari ng April 2-3. Kaya’t heto na.

Ang daming Firsts.

First time kong makakita ng alitaptap. Astig. Parang bulalakaw na malapit lang sa kamay mo. Sayang, ang bilis nga lang lumipad papalayo.

First time kong makakita ng kalabaw na nagkakamot ng tenga gamit ang kanyang hind leg. Akala ko, aso lang ang gumagawa nun. Kapag kalabaw ka, igagalaw mo lang ang tenga mo para mabugaw ang makulit na langaw. O kaya, magdasal at umasang aalis na lang ang makulit na insekto ng kusa. Hindi pala. Either marunong lahat ng kalabaw magkamot ng tenga gamit ang hind legs nila…o nagyoyoga yung kalabaw na nakita ko.

It was the first time I listened to a soldier, and saw the Filipino behind the army suit. And I was thankful, not frightened to see that they were there. After all, that was Quezon and it’s known to be a place where NPA’s hold their fort. Pero narinig ko mula sa iba naming kaibigan na ayos naman pala ang mga NPA at sundalo sa Quezon, yung iban nga, nag-iinuman pa. Kasi nga naman magkakapitbahay sila. Pero para lang siguro makampante ang mga volunteers na nasa site, binantayan na din kami ng mga sundalo. Mabuti na rin yun, para kampante ang mga magulang naming kapag nagtetext kami sa kanila para mag-update kung kamusta nga naman kami.

Weniwei, back to the sundalo story.

Kinwento nya yung tungkol sa mag-amang may dalang kalabaw. Sa ibang versions, donkey ang dala nila. When the son was riding on the carabao’s back, people criticized him for not letting his old father take the ride. When the father rode on the carabao, people still criticized him for not letting his young son ride on it instead. Nung nalito na ang mag-ama at ayaw nang mapulaan, di na lang nila sinakyan yung kalabaw.

Nang ganito ang ginawa nila, ang sabi ng mga nakakita, “Mga tanga, may kalabaw, ayaw naman gamitin”

Ayaw ko na halos makinig sa kwento nya, kasi nga naman, alam ko na yung ending. Sino bang hindi.

Pero yung punchline ni manong, tinablan ako. Sabi nya, yung mag-ama daw kasi, parang ang gobyerno natin, kahit na anong gawin, siguradong mapupulaan, mahahanapan ng mali.

Oo nga naman. Syempre, parang tayo lang yan. Can’t please everyone ika nga.

Pero sa totoo lang, naawa ako kay Lt… (Ano ba yan, nakalimutan ko ang pangalan nya. Russell ata…) Kasi nagtatrabaho sya para sa gobyerno. Sundalo pa din sya, kahit alam nyang kaunti na lang ang naniniwala sa kakayanan nyang magsilbi.

Hayyy. Sino ba naman sa atin ang nakakakita ng mga opisyal ng army at gobyerno na ang gagara ng mga sasakyan at hindi alam kung kaninong bulsa ba nanggaling ang pambili. Linchok na. Ang hirap ditto, sa sobrang talamak ng nakawan, parang lehitimo na.

Tapos, yun lang naman kasi ang madalas nating Makita. Di natin naalala kung sino yung mga nasa ilalim ng mga opisyal na nagpapaksasa sa erkon na bahay at magarang kotse.

Tulad nung mga sundalong kasama namin nun. Natuwa nga daw sya at nakasalamuha ang mga sibilyan. At least may opportunity naman silang maipakilala ang tunay na intensyon nila na magsilbi.

Hindi lang sila nagbabantay dun ha. Sila mismo nagbubuhat ng hollow-blocks. Nagbubungkal ng lupa. Naghahalo ng semento. Nakikipagdaldalan. Pinapawisan. Nauuhaw. Nag-iintay kung kelan kaya magb-break para makakin ng pandesal. Natutuwa dahil unti-unting nabubuo ang mga bahay.

Nakakatuwa. Nakakapangilid pa nga ng luha. Ang sarap isipin, na eto, eto ang mga kababayan ko.

Ang hirap kasi kapag andito ka lang lagi sa Maynila. Nakakulong sa opisina, lalabas sa mall para magpalamig at mag-aliw. Uuwi ng bahay nang pagod kaya di na halos makapagkwentuhan sa kapamilya. Matutulog para bumangon uli at ulit-ulitin ang parehong mga pangyayari.

You see the same things and get numbed by the idea that this is it. We’ve got nothing else to do but get used to the fact that this is how it’s been and this is how it’s going to be even when we have kids of our own.

Matraffic, madami pa ding mahirap. May mga mayayaman na gumigimik sa Makati. Yung mga minalas na pinanganak na mahirap, malamang pati mga anak nila ganun na din. Yung mga mayayaman, kundi man mabawasan ng konti ang kayamanan, malamang yayaman at yayaman pa rin. O kaya aalis ng bansa dahil sawang-sawa na sila makakita ng pangit.

Pero ganito na lang ba talaga?

Nung Sabado’t linggo, nakita ko na HINDE. Hindi talaga, kasi may mga Pilipino pa ding gustong tumulong. May mga tao pa ring nagsasabing ‘Ayaw kong iwan ang bansang ‘to. Mahal ko ang Pilipinas”

At hindi sila tumatakbo sa eleksyon ha. O naghahanap ng taong mapapa-impress. Sinasabi nila yun kasi totoo.

Ang sarap. Ang sarap marinig. Na may mga taong naniniwala pa din na aayos pa ‘tong bansa natin. And the best part of it all was that they were doing something about it.

First time kong sumama sa mga Couples, Singles, at Youth for Christ. Kasama din namin ang mga SIGA. Halo-halo, iba-ibang eskwela, probinsya, o kung ano pa man. Basta gusto lang tumulong. Magtayo ng bahay.

First time kong nasampal ng katotohanang tumatanda na nga talaga ako. Well, syempre, paminsan-minsan, naiisip ko na yun. Kahit na naipako na sa 21 ang edad ko, di ko pa rin matakasan na totoo, malayo na sa ‘teen’ ang actual age ko.

Well, di pa naman sobrang tanda. (Ayaw talagang pakawalan) Pero hindi na yung tipong madaling makipagsabayan sa energy level ng mga tunay na bata. (tubog lang pala akoh!)

Basta, iba pala. Nung mga 17-19 ako, ang tingin ko talaga sa mga taong 23 pataas…matanda na. Hindi naman tipong lola-ic, pero iba na. Iba na ang humor, iba na ang prinsipyo sa buhay, iba na ang mga priorities…

Hmmm, looking back, mejo iba nga. Pero in essence, ganun pa din. Gusto pa ding magkaron ng stable na trabaho, magkapamilya, yumaman! Makatulong sa iba, sana.

Kaya lang, naiiba ang order pag tumatanda ka. I-jumble jumble mo na lang. Basta pag bata ka, iba. Pag tumanda… ewan. Basta yun.

To be continued

(michelle, Lyle, YFC people, Golda)

Masakit na balat, likod. Pero masayang puso.

Deprive yourself of some comforts sometimes…